Told she was IVF

[Timbuck3]

Name changed for this:
My wife and I had a child and wanted a second. Wife couldn't conceive again so we went down the IVF route and she fell pregnant. Daughter was born. Wife asked me whether we should tell daughter she was conceived using IVF and I said, Yes, definitely, but only when the time was right.
Wife has asked a few times since and I've always said not yet.
In September last year we were having a discussion, can't remember about what exactly, but it came out that my daughter knew about her being IVF. I froze! My daughter said "I've known since March. Mum told me on my 16th birthday!"
I was furious! I should have been part of that conversation! I wouldn't have told her then because she was just coming up to doing her GCSEs, but she would have been told soon enough.
When I finally calmed down enough to properly discuss this with my wife, she just said, "Sorry, I didn't think it was that big a deal". Even though I'd told her often enough that i didn't think it was the right time.

I'm not saying that it had to be when I said so, but i think a decision like this should definitely have been a joint one with almost a power of veto.
I've deleted the poll as I'm not looking for a score, but just wanted opinions because despite it being months ago, I'm still seriously pissed off about it. I know I've got to have a proper discussion with my daughter about it, and I will, but I think it would have been a lovely discussion for the three of us to have had at the right time. I've effectively had that taken away from me.

Are you certain that you make the clear and specific request that your wife was only to tell your daughter when the three of you were together? Did she give you a clear promise to accept this? Agreeing to delay telling your daughter on the occasions your wife had raised it over the years is not the same thing. Either way, your wife clearly didn't take the matter as seriously as you did and you failed to understand that despite it being obvious she felt differently from you. This is poor communication from both you and your wife. Don't make your daughter suffer for it. With all the freezing and fury and months of seething and needing to have a proper talk about it all with her. Did you get counselling through your fertility struggles? Certainly sounds like you and your wife could benefit from a bit of marriage counselling now.

My dd was conceived via IVF. We told her when she was about 11 or 12. My dh referred to her being conceived that way while we were all at the table and I was 🙄. And so we explained and she asked questions.
We were always going to tell her so it wasn't a disaster but the timing wasn't thought about.
I'd have reacted in the same way if my dh had taken it upon himself to essentially go behind my back and tell her without me being there.
It is a discussion that you absolutely should have been in on.

I think you’re making a mountain out of a molehill. What difference does it make how she was conceived? Why would it bother her ? I honestly don’t get it.

You’ve made this into such a big deal! And also by 16 I think she deserved to know and should’ve been told much sooner.

You did not have the decision to tell your daughter IVF was part of her birth process taken from you. Your failure to properly address this as part of her life story from an early stage and hiding it from her until long after she was able to process the information took something away from her. You are hiding something from here you shouldn’t have done - and made your wife keep something very normal a secret.

Why did you feel she and your wife could not be open about this? Why do you get to control that conversation? It was your wife who took on the hard work in the IVF process and it was your daughter’s birth story.

@Alalalalalongalalalalalonglonglilong with twins in the family all your children need to know before they have children whether there is a genetic predisposition to having twins as twins/multiples run in families.

One of the reasons I have only one child. My DD keeps saying she wants babies when she is an adult. 😂

And the parents who had another baby when the older ones were 10+, the embarrassment for those kids knowing their parents were having sex 🤣

My only DC was conceived through IVF and was born with severe physical and learning difficulties. He wouldn't understand what his conception meant even if I tried to explain it to him.

So there's that. I try to consider that everyone's problems are significant to them even if in the scheme of things they aren't serious - but sorry, personally speaking the issues you have with this just irritate me. Make it up with your wife and be thankful for your wonderful DD and family.

What's age did you want to tell her @Timbuck3

You vetoed her for 16 years. When were you going to ‘let’ her have the conversation?

This wasnt donor eggs was it on your wife's side?

Really the pair of you have had your knickers in a knot for no apparent reason

Why did you want to wait until she was older than 16?

@wurlycurly When kids ask you questions they never ask at what you consider is the perfect time.

One of the issues is that the OP's DD may have asked her mother because one or more of her friends were conceived using IVF or other assistance, and the DD had questions on it. If the mother refused to answer at all, truthfully, or said "wait until your father is here" then it would have been a massive deal.

"Some children at my school were from a family of 7. None of the children could look these parents straight in the face: imagine people being so debauched as to have had sex a grand total of 7 times!" @Calliopespa

"What do you mean Harry? I mean we've got two children and we've had sexual intercourse twice" Monty Python

m.youtube.com/watch?v=Xt53afFXbrg&pp=ygUsTW9udHkgcHl0aG9uIHRoZSBtZWFuaW5nIG9mIGxpZmUgcHJvdGVzdGFudHM%3D

As she is biologically both of yours, and I can see her medically aided conception would have been a tough time for her parents, it is neither here or there to her.

Don't see there was a need for a big conversation, what could she possibly be concerned about? I don't tell my dh what he is allowed to tell my dc especially when when it is something insignificant to them. I have told ds in the past where he was conceived (much to his disgust! 😂) and I never asked dh for agreement to tell him, or that it even came up in conversation!

Why do you feel this is a big deal? The only thing I can think is you are upset you never got an initial/surprise surge of gratitude from your dd that you went to further lengths (emotionally, physically, financially) than normal to have her? Which would be a bit strange because parents have dc for their own benefit not the dcs.

In this case I think the replies would be the same.

Mumsnet is a funny place. If it were a husband ignoring a wife’s whishes regarding your DC, the husband would be called abusive, controlling, etc.

I agree with the majority of PP that it’s no big deal and DD should have been told sooner but as a joint decision. At least she could have had the decency to let you know she was telling DD anyways and ask you to join her if you wanted. She i’s certainly in the wrong but because she is a woman you’ll be told it’s OK!

It's weird that you're making how your child was conceived, and them knowing about it, a big deal.

I wouldn't even ask my parents. It's just bloody weird.

Nah, I would give the same response to the mother or the father i.e. you're being ridiculous

Told my son very young, in age appropriate terms e.g “we needed a bit of help from a doctor to get you” . It was never a planned conversation, just came up when babies or pregnancies are mentioned. Now he’s older (11) and knows a bit about reproduction, it’s interesting to explain the mechanics of how we had to circumnavigate the usual route to get a baby, he even knows we had to pay for this and he knows the name of the lab guy who “grew” him (thanks Douglas!). Never discussed with my husband about telling him, just never seemed like that much of a revelation!?!

Non issue, I think you're putting far too much emphasis on how she was conceived and the 'lovely' conversation you were going to have around it. How exactly would that have gone? 'So mummy had all these injections and daddy did his thing in a cup...' - I'd say you were better off out of that conversation personally!

OP, I say this in the nicest way, but have you ever had an opportunity to work through how you feel about the IVF? From your reactions, both in not wanting your child to know, and now being upset that your wife has told her, that you perhaps have unresolved or unexplored issues around the need for IVF. While your wife may have been wrong to tell your daughter without consulting you, given that your feelings were clear, it may be that she knew you would say no again, and felt the need to do for your daughter's sake. Whatever the case may be, do please consider some counselling. It can really help with these types of issue.

@Mariposistaa my replies would be the same as it isn't a big deal.

Unlike in the early 1980s it is now a "normal" method of conception.

It's so weird you're massively overreacting to this, given no donor involved. It sounds like you have a huge amount of guilt / shame around having used IVF, which is ridiculous.