Told she was IVF

[Timbuck3]

Name changed for this:
My wife and I had a child and wanted a second. Wife couldn't conceive again so we went down the IVF route and she fell pregnant. Daughter was born. Wife asked me whether we should tell daughter she was conceived using IVF and I said, Yes, definitely, but only when the time was right.
Wife has asked a few times since and I've always said not yet.
In September last year we were having a discussion, can't remember about what exactly, but it came out that my daughter knew about her being IVF. I froze! My daughter said "I've known since March. Mum told me on my 16th birthday!"
I was furious! I should have been part of that conversation! I wouldn't have told her then because she was just coming up to doing her GCSEs, but she would have been told soon enough.
When I finally calmed down enough to properly discuss this with my wife, she just said, "Sorry, I didn't think it was that big a deal". Even though I'd told her often enough that i didn't think it was the right time.

I'm not saying that it had to be when I said so, but i think a decision like this should definitely have been a joint one with almost a power of veto.
I've deleted the poll as I'm not looking for a score, but just wanted opinions because despite it being months ago, I'm still seriously pissed off about it. I know I've got to have a proper discussion with my daughter about it, and I will, but I think it would have been a lovely discussion for the three of us to have had at the right time. I've effectively had that taken away from me.

And "And just for the record, on each occasion my wife brought up telling her, maybe 3 or 4 times over the years, we DISCUSSED it, and decided between US that WE, rightly or wrongly, would leave it for the time being."

I feel like maybe your wife agreed because she wanted a quiet life here and maybe her views were different and you were a bit intractable. I'm not saying controlling, but maybe a bit fixed in your views.

Actually OP didn't ask if we thought IVF was a big issue. He asked if it was unfair of his DW to go ahead and have a conversation that HE believed was important and should be done together (or at least at an agreed time).

It was unfair.

I don't think the IVF conception is a big deal, and the DD should absolutely have known about it (as a non-event) sooner. But if I asked DH not to talk to our DD about something - ANYTHING - until we'd agreed the time was right, and he ignored me, I'd feel sidelined and pissed off too.

OP - I think this depends on whether your wife agreed to wait or repeatedly told you that this was a non-issue and your daughter should just be told. If you have been dragging your feet, she probably decided you were never going to think it was the right time. She probably should have told you that she was going to do it first though.

My son has always know he was a test tube baby. We never did a big announcement. He’s always know. It was discussed when he was much younger and asked how babies are made and this was one of the ways. He doesn’t care. No one cares.

You’ve made it way bigger than it is. Way, way bigger

I can understand why you’re upset here, and I disagree with the posts about it being your DWs body so her choice. This is not about that at all, and it’s about neither you nor your wife. It’s about your daughter and her understanding. You are both her parents and you made the decision for IVF together, and are both responsible for the health and happiness of your child - including mental health. Your daughter may potentially be unphased by it all, or potentially may find it confusing and have many questions.

The most important thing now is for you both to unite to support your daughter and each other. I sort of see the argument about it not being a big thing (though think other posters have expressed this view in an overly harsh way). The thing your daughter should understand is that she was so very much wanted and that was why the IVF route was chosen.

That's cos you don't have endo/adeno/PCOS/an inherited genetic condition/something else that affects your fertility.

Incidentally I found out I was mixed fed and a vaginal birth from my mother long before I was 16. 😂

My dad didn't care but was proud to tell me he changed some of my nappies. 🙄

Regardless the OP has some issues.

@Reugny

I don't see any reason not to add that into an explanation and given our experience I'd be silly to not include it?
It's not a shameful thing, it's not a bad thing for children to know about? It's a factual thing of life now, many children are conceived via ivf or other fertility treatment

"I'm not saying that it had to be when I said so, but i think a decision like this should definitely have been a joint one with almost a power of veto."

When, in your view would have been the right time. Don't you think this sounds controlling?

Could your wife have said "I really wanted to talk to my daughter about fertility and about how wanted she was growing up, but my husband always said he had a right to decide what we said to her about this"

If you were the OPs wife wouldn't you have felt your view was sidelined for the last 16 years? At what point would you think 'enough is enough!'?

Our first child was conceived via IVF (‘he’ isn’t IVF) and we told him at the same time we explained the reproductive process. We didn’t make it into a big thing, because it isn’t. I think you’re overreacting and waiting until your child
is 16 seems quite cautious.

OP didn't ask if it was a big deal, but it matters i think.

He's clearly very pissed off. A little introspection might help here. Actually help the situation.

Or should we all just only be agreeing/disagreeing with the main point now? OP is the one who disabled voting ...

Why such a big deal? Was it your wife’s eggs and your sperm? If so then it’s such a non-issue.

If there’s a donor component, eggs or sperm then the advice generally is that it should be an open age-appropriate conversation from as early as possible in the child’s life.

Yeah, but how long was it going to take you to be ready? Your daughter is 16!

Just out of interest ( and perhaps for your piece of mind) what did your DD say. Was she even very interested?

I think you have a huge problem with the fact you needed IVF to conceive. Was it sperm-related issues? No-one cares about IVF except for you - so many kids are conceived thanks to IVF these days.

This occurred to me as I read your post, although the PP above has articulated it directly. Is it possible you might have something of a hang-up about the way your daughter was conceived? If so, it isn't fair to project this onto her. She has a right to know.

I know some men can feel very sensitive about this, as though it's a form of infrigement on their manhood. But you shouldn't, @Timbuck3. It's a straightforward medical problem, just as many men may start to experience issues with their prostate when they reach their late forties or fifties (and please, FGS, check these out, it could save your life). We needed IVF because I don't ovulate: no one, whether medical science or social stereotypes, has made me feel less of a woman because of this.

Whatever your own feelings, IMO these shouldn't be made to affect your daughter. Incidentally, aren't you and I fortunate that medical science has progressed to the extent that we've been able to have our precious children, whereas in other generations gone by, your daughter and my son would not exist? Maybe reframe your feelings in that context. I'm grateful I was born when I was or I'd never have known the joys of being a mother.

How can it be too early to know that you’re conceived through IVF? What harm would come to them from knowing? Mine are IVF and we’ve never kept it from them. When they started asking about how children were made it was a part of the conversation.

I get that the issue here is that your wife went ahead and told her without you. But I think you put her in a really difficult position where, in the end, she felt she had to choose respect for her daughter’s right to know over respect for your position on this.

You say she’s asked quite a few times over the year and you’ve discussed it and come to the conclusion together that you shouldn’t tell her yet. But I think you’ve misinterpreted this. I suspect this wasn’t your wife musing on whether this was the right time or not and ending up agreeing with you that you should wait. Rather - your wife has wanted to tell her and thought she ought to know for ages. She’s been asking to prompt you to get your shit together and realize your DD needs to know but since you are clearly not budging when you do talk, she’s been leaving it. And then it’s got way, way, way past the point at which your DD ought to know your wife has felt obliged to tell her despite your view of the matter. And she has, for some reason, felt unable to be straight with you about this.

If it were me, I’d have just been adamant with you that DD needed to know and that I wasn’t going keep it from her any longer, years ago. It wouldn’t have been behind your back, but it would have happened regardless.

My DH sometimes tells me what I want to hear and then goes off and does what he wants anyway. He doesn’t like difficult conversations or arguments when we disagree. It’s infuriating, but I’ve learned to understand his communication style over the years. So I now normally recognise it when it’s happening and can address it. You might want to consider if there are other things in your marriage where your wife defers to you in a way which makes you think she agrees when she doesn’t really, and why that might be.

Peace of mind! Grr…

I’m genuinely interested in when you would have told her and the reaction you would expect? Sounds like you enjoy having a big secret from the kids.

would you have sat her down in her 18th? Oh that’s to close to her A-levels? When she’s waiting for results? A day before she leaves for Uni? After the first year?

Let’s say you did sit her down on her 18th and told her. Then she said ok and went out with her mates. What you be feeling somehow disappointment you haven't had an emotional reaction? What other reaction is there beyond mild interest to clarify you are both her biological parents. Job done.

I don't understand why she needed to know. If it was donar sperm or egg then yes. If there was a genetic reason for not being able to conceive naturally that she would potentially also have then yes but otherwise no one needs to know if sperms came from the penis or syringe.

What exactly was the aim for wanting to tell her?

It wasn't really fair for your wife to say something if it was agreed you wouldn't but I really don't understand why it was a thing to begin with tbh

Why did you not want your dd to know?

You haven't taken the point at all though, have you? You're sulking bc when you asked if you were being unreasonable you were told yes.

You're coming across very poorly here.

Don't be a pillock. Your wife is right, it's not a big deal. I mean, clearly it is to you but in no way should that be projected onto your daughter.

I'm a female, with an IVF child OP, and I totally get where you are coming from.(Excuse the pun🤣) You are not being hysterical in my view. I would be upset if I'd made it clear I wasn't quite ready for the conversation, and my partner just went ahead, and didn't even let me know afterwards. If your wife had posted, from your perspective, I feel there would be more mixed responses. Also, for those saying IVF is no big deal (it isn't for me) that doesn't mean it isn't for other people, and for some of the little/or bigger people being told that's how they were conceived. It's not always how you are told or when - people process things differently. You need to let it go though OP - it seems no harm done in terms of your daughter's wellbeing. I'd be letting your DW know I was upset at being made the "outsider" in this sharing if knowledge, and that I'd have appreciated at least knowing, that the conversation had occurred. That would be the upsetting bit for me.

I read this as candlelog has told her in a matter of fact age appropriate way - if her child wants more information later on I'm sure she'd be given it in an similar age appropriate way.

Did your wife do more than say we had to go through IVF to get you - possibly in repones to some conversational context. At 16 I'd expect some vague understanding and that could be all that was said.

Is this why you've delayed because you want to impart a lot of detail?

I thought most were advocating candlelog approach - matter of fact age appropriate answering questions as they came up - rather than some big dramatic reveal near or post adulthood you seem to have been preparing for.

Welcome to Mumsnet OP, where all men are vile and controlling. But MN is not sexist, of course.

2 issues here, 1 your wife knew it was something to dicuss as a family and did it without you. I suspect as a natural conversation about menstruation, rather than behind your back. If it was agreed you would do this together then she should have told you immediately that it was done. I don't think she can say its no big deal when you had discussed it many times. So for that YANBU IMO.

2nd I agree with most PPs that I don't think its a big deal and don't get the need to make it a 'thing'. So for that I think you (and possibly wife) are BU for this.

FWIW it never occurred to me to tell my twins they were conceived through IVF. I just figured it was something I experienced that is a gynaecology issue so nobody's business. I might rethink it after reading posts here. I conceived naturally 3 times with 1 baby as a result so I'm not fully infertile as such and there is no medical issues. I also presume my Dsis will not be telling my nephew that he was an unplanned accident when she didn't take the pill properly.... it just didn't occur to me that people need to tell kids about their conception.

I honestly don’t understand why you think this is an issue , she should have been told from the word go when she was old enough to understand , it’s nothing to be ashamed of and by withholding this kind of info you just make it into a big deal .

The pun! 🤣