Is X unreasonable expecting me to use child benefit to buy DDs clothes?

[Flowerpower333]

Who is being unreasonable here?
DH and I have split up and he gets keys to his new house on Friday.
We’ve just started talking about how to divide paying for DD’s things.
We will share custody, and since we split up, I have been the one to take her on holiday as he doesn’t like going on holiday. He will probably never take her on holiday except to visit relatives to sit in their house eating their food. (minimal costs)
towards DDs holidays. DH wants me to use the child benefit to buy DDs clothes instead. Am I being unreasonable to think that he should pay for half of her clothes and allow me to use the child benefit for her cultural education, as outlined above?

Yes thanks i think you are right. I just meant that she will be spending half the time here and half the time there.

How old is the child in question?

I agree cultural experiences and all that is very important, but your priority surely has to be that she’s clothed and with a safe responsible adult while not in your care? What good is a museum if you’re not advocating for (and getting adequate financial support at the least) her to have 2 homes with ample clothing and the things she needs? I think you need some legal advice.

Child benefit is usually for essentials for the child. Unfortunately sounds like you can't afford holidays etc. Yes lots save the child benefit but many use it for food shops etc. Many kids don't get holidays.

I thought that’s what CB was for - clothes, shoes, books, that sort of thing.

Can't you agree a clothing split? Such as you buy casual clothes and shoes and he buys school uniform and school shoes?

How old is she?

(Just as an FYI the reply button doesn’t work so your posts read as though you are talking to yourself in an odd way. If you use the quote function it will make more sense and alert the poster that you are replying to them).

It is still a luxury and you cannot force the other parent to contribute to luxury items. And it is still just a holiday / days out and he would be subsidising you.

Cultural education ! 😂

I spend child benefit on school uniform and school shoes, bags, trainers, sports kit, books, pens, paints, colouring books- they soon add up and are essential.

Your DD will care far more if she isn't dressed appropriately in front of her friends, than if she's been on a city break that none of them will ever see.

You know you can give your child a cultural education without visiting museums and galleries, right?

If she is spending 50% of her time at his then he needs to provide her with clothes for that time, send her in the clothes she is wearing and thats it. He clearly has no intention of spending as much on her as you do if he is not planning to take her anywhere, so why on earth should you be funding her clothes while she is with him. If the child benefit claim is in your name then I would spend it on what I want to for her, tough cheese for him.

Thanks I think ypu’re right about legal advice. I think the point of many of missing on here is that I don’t hold those things more important than clothes. She will be clothed of course but it will be easier to get him to pay half of the clothes than half of the things that he doesn’t see as important.

That is so helpful thanks. I gave her what she asks for.

You really don’t know my daughter, she couldn’t care less what she looks like. I do though

You can only give your DD the experiences (and clothing) that you can afford and have the time to give. You can't expect others to agree with it, or to facilitate it.

Additionally, you can't make a shit father step up and parent the way you want them to parent. The most you have control over is choosing WHO will be the father, and you make as good a choice as you can. Many of them lie through their teeth though and pretend to be someone they more not so this is not foolproof!

You can try to have your DC for more than 50% of the time, and so claim maintenance from him. But you can only 'try', that in itself is not guaranteed.

So welcome to that club of single mothers who get on with minimal help from their ex's.

I have 100% care for my DC and my ex doesn't pay me a penny in maintenance. It sucks, but it's life. More fool me for falling for the good guy persona for so bloody long.

Why would you earmark the CB for a specific thing? Sounds weird to me. My ex has the kids 10 - 12 nights a month, therfore he pays me maintenance and I receive CB. I buy all of their clothes, school dinners, uniforms the lot. All he pays for is food when they're in his care, he takes them to school. I don't earmark it for certain things, I get what they need when they need it.

CB is for the child not for holidays.
Its to be spent on the child its not a lot so you add to it.

So you are choosing to spend more on clothes than you need to because you want her to look a certain way but still expect a contribution towards it?

maybe agree a reasonable amount each month for clothes and split that from the cb and any extra you cover from your half of what’s left?

@Flowerpower333 If you are the resident parent your outgoings are going to be significantly more than your now ex’s as you have everything to cover for the child where as dad sounds like he’s doing the 50/50 to try & exert financial control. He literally can’t order you to do anything with the money that comes into your home.

CB is for the child, at the end of the day, so should be spent on the child.
what that spending entails depends on your financial situation not your ex’s & I am quite sure that when your child needs clothes your provide them & have provided them.
Personally I would send child to contact with clothes & anything extra dad feels she needs he can sort out his end.

She loves city breaks. Cracking.

Presumably she also loves knickers, being warm and haircuts.

Why do you get the child benefit and not him?

It is usually the mother who gets it.

I don’t think I ever went on a ‘city break’ as a kid. They’re definitely not a necessity to develop a respect and interest of different cultures… clothes however yeah they should be a priority. The city breaks are definitely an optional nice to have so I would say that’s you funding that.

The first question I'd want answered is is he truly going to do 50/50. As in 7 24hr periods in 14 days. Handover at 9am each day - not you cover after school then he claims the overnight. And 50% of the school holidays - with all childcare paid for by the parent whose responsibility she is for that 24hr period, half her sick days and doctors appointments etc etc

If he is truly going to do 50/50 then I don't think you can claim CB for things like holidays. If he isn't then I'd be claiming maintenance as well as child benefit and he can sort himself out.

Yes OP YABVU.