Is X unreasonable expecting me to use child benefit to buy DDs clothes?

[Flowerpower333]

Who is being unreasonable here?
DH and I have split up and he gets keys to his new house on Friday.
We’ve just started talking about how to divide paying for DD’s things.
We will share custody, and since we split up, I have been the one to take her on holiday as he doesn’t like going on holiday. He will probably never take her on holiday except to visit relatives to sit in their house eating their food. (minimal costs)
towards DDs holidays. DH wants me to use the child benefit to buy DDs clothes instead. Am I being unreasonable to think that he should pay for half of her clothes and allow me to use the child benefit for her cultural education, as outlined above?

I do see your point, but I know him, and I know that she won’t have those things looked after properly so I am just trying to do my best for my child, having known him for a very long time I know that I’m going to have to continue to do those things if I want her to be okay.

I think if you're going to have to provide clothing, enrichment, and everything else, then he shouldn't have 50/50 care.

Keeping a roof over a child's head, keeping them warm at home, keeping them fed and clothed are the priorities.

Then luxuries like holidays, cultural experiences and fun.

As said above, if you have 50/50 custody then child support should be split equally. If there's a massive disparity in incomes and important outgoings (to ensure the first lot) then you will have to negotiate that.

YABU, you pay for your DD when she’s at your house and he pays for her when she’s at his. You want her to go on holiday that’s on you to pay for, you’ll still need to ensure she has adequate clothes at your own home just as he needs to make sure there is at his. Poor child shouldn’t be carting a suitcase back and forth.

Clothes seems like a more appropriate use to me.

There's nothing wrong with buying clothes from charity shops, or etsy or ebay or amazon. Mostlly they're cheap and not the quality of say, M&S, but you have to cut your coat according to your cloth.

Yes, you want to minimise the upheaval that splitting up has for dd, but you can't shield her from everything, and if you can't afford clothes AND holidays then you either buy cheaper clothes and have cheaper or fewer holidays, or you get into debt. That's your call.

You value holidays. He doesn't. You disapprove of what he values. That's irrelevant. The CB should be split and you can't control what he spends it on for her.

Just a little? Rather a lot.

You need to take him to court and force him to provide clothes at the very least for his child, to be kept at his house, her other home, if he does not do this.

Do not buy clothes or other stuff that she needs and send her with a suitcase.

You are going to need to step back and gather evidence that he is not providing adequate parental care for her while he is supposed to be parenting her. You are going to have to bite your tongue really hard, and sit on your hands instead of packing a suitcase.

Your child needs to understand that her fathers house is her home, not a hotel she visits.

If it is not her home - and a home is not a place you bring a suitcase to, and pack your atuff when you leave - then you need to take him back to court and get the 50-50 arrangement and its financial element thrown out.

Play a relatively long game here. Try to hold your anxiety about your child at bay while you force him to step up.

Let your child go to her father's wearing only the clothes on her back. If she comes back in the same clothes, having only worn them for the time she's spent there, take note. Do the same for the next sessions with her father. Take note again.

Then tackle him about the lack of clothes, by text or email. Insist he provide clothes, etc, for her at his house and at his expense, since his house is her other home, equal to yours in that regard. If he still won't, then inform him by text or email that you have been forced to send her with everything she needs, and start packing suitcases for her.

Then take him to court.

He needs to pay for the clothing for his house. That is house maintenance is calculated, that the parent is covering all the costs associated with the days that parent has responsibility.

even if you do the actual shopping, he needs to pay for the clothes.

would child benefit cover all the clothing your child needs at both houses for a year, including uniforms?

I don't think you can argue a week on the beach in Benidorm is cultural education 😂

I’d be surprised if child benefit covered the cost of clothes for her anyway

Very difficult to take your ex DH’s personality into account when we don’t know him.
Museums are free to visit as are many cultural experiences you want your DC to be exposed to which I think is a great idea btw.
But holidays are not a priority if you can’t afford them. I also agree with PPs that you should share the CB payment as you’re 50/50 custody.
If he’s happy for you to keep it for clothes then that is a reasonable compromise.

Depends where you shop.

It doesn’t sound like 50/50 would be in DD best interests?

To be fair to op there have been many threads on here talking about cultural capital. Ie. Things you can do for your child to replicate experiences those more well off get through private education ie. Art galleries, ski trips, museums etc.

So it is a thing. A MN things maybe. But certainly a real thing.

CB is not for holidays, cultural or otherwise. Its for providing items your child NEEDS and a holiday is not that.

CB is for clothes or food or other necessities. Not museum visits.

The bigger picture here is important.

Is it genuinely a 50/50 split? Are you splitting childcare? Wont he have to buy clothes for at his house? Uniform?

I think perhaps the way you phrased this is the issue.

If 50:50 you should each pay for the clothes for your own house/ time. You’re basically assumed to be paying for half each of everything.

The CB - would he qualify for it based on salary? If he wouldn’t then it’s no business if his what you do with it. If he would, then you should share it 50:50 like everything else. It doesn’t go far in terms of everything a child needs anyway!

Cultural capital is a thing though. And it’s important once other needs have been met. Or so says our school SENCO anyway!

edit - the SENCO attaches importance to it - she didn’t say “once other needs have been met” - I put that in just to acknowledge that food, clothing etc clearly do come first.

So Op isn’t just making stuff up.

Cultural education 😂😂😂

What's the formally known as Twitter got to do with anything then

I agree!

Thanks. I’m really surprised anyone would not consider that important. I should’ve put in my original post at all though by no means well off, we are comfortable-ish.

Once we split our finances I will be less so but still want to continue with this as part of her life.

Sorry, if your children don’t have this, it is really important. It’s a real shame for them.