Want to keep this brief but desperate for advice… I had 2 under 2. DD is 9 months and lovely but very clingy/ screamy (keep hoping it’s a phase but seems to be a never ending one). DS is a gorgeous, gentle and calm 2.5yo.
DH leaves the house before 6am, so I am up and dressed by 6 before a relentless day. He comes back around 6-6.30pm for bath and bedtime unless he’s out late with work (min. once a week). DS does 2 days in nursery and we have a cleaner but i do everything else. I have dinner on the table when DH walks in, I make everything fresh, I do all the cleaning up, shopping, planning, I’m bfing so have done all the night shifts since DD was born, including a 2 month stint completely alone while DH “needed sleep” because he started a new job.
my concern is that DH does not give a shit about me. He thinks having a good job and living in a nice house is a substitute for me ever having any support. I told him I was so exhausted I felt suicidal last week. I haven’t had any time to myself that wasn’t spent doing essential chores in I don’t know how long. We have no family nearby and we don’t live close to any of our friends. I get out with the kids a lot but never really have time to catch up with mum friends. I know it’s entirely normal to be chasing your tail and not managing much self care but my current concern is that even when I raise how dreadful I’m feeling to my DH he just doesn’t seem to care. I haven’t had a lie in for years. When I complain about having no time to myself he just says he has none either. I don’t think work compares to the relentlessness of being a 24/7 mother to infants and never having any time off. (I am also going back to work part time in March) After I lay into him and give him hell he will eventually apologise and help for one or two days until it blows over. it’s never consistent or ongoing and it’s usually off the back of a horrific row during which I say horrible things and he lets me know how pathetic I am for not being able to cope.
He’s (generally) a kind man, good with the kids, and he occasionally does some very small household tasks like the bins and very sporadic bits of cooking.
The issue is I just don’t think he will ever fundamentally change and I don’t know what to do. I don’t want a relationship like this where I am seething with resentment, snapping at my kids and crying at random because I’m so burnt out. I also don’t want to rely on Nannies or strangers to help me raise my family. None of this is ever what I envisaged and it’s so confusing being with someone for 16 years and suddenly realising you have such different priorities.
anyone else been in this boat or have any advice at all? It’s gone on for so long that I’ve started to wonder if he’s just an extra drain on my time and energy and if I’d be better off as a single parent without the constant disappointment of expecting someone to give a shit. Our lives are very intertwined and on the face of it everyone thinks he’s lovely and very hands on, but nobody sees me drowning behind the scenes. Any advice greatly appreciated and thank you if you’ve managed to read this far. Sorry for the essay.