Please help… AIBU

[Yesgojess]

Want to keep this brief but desperate for advice… I had 2 under 2. DD is 9 months and lovely but very clingy/ screamy (keep hoping it’s a phase but seems to be a never ending one). DS is a gorgeous, gentle and calm 2.5yo.
DH leaves the house before 6am, so I am up and dressed by 6 before a relentless day. He comes back around 6-6.30pm for bath and bedtime unless he’s out late with work (min. once a week). DS does 2 days in nursery and we have a cleaner but i do everything else. I have dinner on the table when DH walks in, I make everything fresh, I do all the cleaning up, shopping, planning, I’m bfing so have done all the night shifts since DD was born, including a 2 month stint completely alone while DH “needed sleep” because he started a new job.
my concern is that DH does not give a shit about me. He thinks having a good job and living in a nice house is a substitute for me ever having any support. I told him I was so exhausted I felt suicidal last week. I haven’t had any time to myself that wasn’t spent doing essential chores in I don’t know how long. We have no family nearby and we don’t live close to any of our friends. I get out with the kids a lot but never really have time to catch up with mum friends. I know it’s entirely normal to be chasing your tail and not managing much self care but my current concern is that even when I raise how dreadful I’m feeling to my DH he just doesn’t seem to care. I haven’t had a lie in for years. When I complain about having no time to myself he just says he has none either. I don’t think work compares to the relentlessness of being a 24/7 mother to infants and never having any time off. (I am also going back to work part time in March) After I lay into him and give him hell he will eventually apologise and help for one or two days until it blows over. it’s never consistent or ongoing and it’s usually off the back of a horrific row during which I say horrible things and he lets me know how pathetic I am for not being able to cope.
He’s (generally) a kind man, good with the kids, and he occasionally does some very small household tasks like the bins and very sporadic bits of cooking.

The issue is I just don’t think he will ever fundamentally change and I don’t know what to do. I don’t want a relationship like this where I am seething with resentment, snapping at my kids and crying at random because I’m so burnt out. I also don’t want to rely on Nannies or strangers to help me raise my family. None of this is ever what I envisaged and it’s so confusing being with someone for 16 years and suddenly realising you have such different priorities.
anyone else been in this boat or have any advice at all? It’s gone on for so long that I’ve started to wonder if he’s just an extra drain on my time and energy and if I’d be better off as a single parent without the constant disappointment of expecting someone to give a shit. Our lives are very intertwined and on the face of it everyone thinks he’s lovely and very hands on, but nobody sees me drowning behind the scenes. Any advice greatly appreciated and thank you if you’ve managed to read this far. Sorry for the essay.

@Dalriadanland thank you, appreciate this. I do try and batch cook or do it at night or in nap times and I’m not afraid of a pesto pasta or beans on toast dinner (particularly lately) but i think my standards are too high and somethings got to give.

Does your dh do bath and bedtime when he gets home? ( that's how I'm reading it)
Quite honestly I don't know what you expect with 2 under 2's. It's bloody hard work.
You have a cleaner!!!! That's a massive help many of us didn't get!
I would reframe my thinking on this one. It's not forever. You have got this.
Perhaps you need a change of scene sometimes at a weekend day to punctuate the monotony.
It seems to me that you are both working hard tbh.

OP, if you’ve got a couple of big baking pans, I find it’s really useful to make large portions of lasagne/moussaka/pasta bake/macaroni cheese from scratch and then portion into eight, freeze the leftover portions. So useful for just popping out in the morning to defrost for a tasty dinner.

Being a stay at home mum is a “job” during the hours your partner is a work.

once he walks back through the door your “job” ends just like his and then you are just two parents looking after your children and household.

he needs to pull his weight more end of.

The cleaner comes once a fortnight. She’s a godsend and I’m so grateful to be able to afford it, but with absolutely no help anywhere in sight, not even someone to hold the baby for 5 minutes in a 15 hour day, I saw this as critical. The house still gets dirty every single day and stuff needs to be done. So thanks for everyone essentially telling me not to get dressed, to put up and be grateful - it’s really helpful when someone is at breaking point. I don’t know any other mother who does these hours alone with no help from any family whatsoever? On the weekends DH chips in but it’s still mostly on me all day and night every single day.
when he gets in he helps with the bath but i’m still there doing it too, as bf DD needs me to put her to bed.

He shouldn’t just be chipping In on the weekend. He is an equal parent to your children so make that clear. Tell him you’re going out for an hour to clear your head and take a walk, tell him he needs to be the one to make lunch for you all etc.

Of course there are other mothers, those with a parent who works, is away, single parent. It’s hard. It will be for the first few years. You’ll get through just as everybody else does.

@RoseBucket i said I don’t know any. And I don’t know why people like you pipe up just to be mean to people already at an incredibly low point.

I think your biggest problem is that from what you say, your DH doesn't care when you tell him how you feel and he doesn't want to put any effort into helping you feel better. I'm not sure that can be fixed very easily.

OP,

Is money tight? It is for many, but when you wrote of a reluctance to use nannies or babysitters because they are strangers, that isn’t how it seemed.

A great babysitter will only briefly be a stranger and is well worth finding, if you can. A great babysitter will give you time to recharge. Your DC will adore them (but they will always know you love them best). Why the reluctance? You don’t need to be perfect.

But literally no one has said this to you.

People are asking questions to establish ways for you to be able to help yourself.

He’s (generally) a kind man

He...really doesn't sound like it? He sounds like someone who is either battling such horrendous difficulties of his own that he simply has no capacity to help you with yours, or a selfish POS who rolls his eyes inwardly every time the staff forgets her place, and does the bare minimum until you're miserable enough to shut up about it again.

And how exactly do you expect him to do even more? He’s already left for work by the time the op gets up. He’s got one fuck of a long day, and when he does finally get home he does the children’s bath and bedtimes. And he does his share on the weekends when he’s off. Plus employs a cleaner so his wife doesn’t even have to do that. I’m not sure if he’s paying for the toddler that the op has already put into nursery. He couldn’t physically do anymore than what he’s already doing, surely? The ops suffering from tiredness from having 2 young children. But so are millions of us. I know it’s not a ‘race to the bottom’ as mn likes to call it, but my oh works offshore so I was on my own with our 3 from day one, with a small holding to look after and a part time job doing homechecks for an animal rescue. I’d be thanking my lucky stars if I got to sit at home all day with a cleaner and my oh having the kids every evening after work. I don’t know why her oh is getting slated on here.

There are other mothers who do similar and many who find it incredibly hard. Including one who posted a link to her own thread.

I'm sorry you're finding things so hard. It will improve.

Putting my hand up, I do 15+ hours a day alone with 2 severely disabled children. I can’t afford a cleaner and I don’t have the luxury of childcare outside of working hours.
There, now you know someone worse off than you.

It isn’t a race to the bottom is it? Just because other mothers are at breaking point with no support, doesn’t mean OP should get on with it and “it’ll pass”.

OP, outsource outsource outsource as others have said. If you can afford it. Nursery for a half or full day for eldest/nanny/cleaner more often etc. whatever can be done to claw back a few hours a week for you, and to stop you feeling like it’s hopeless.

Also lower your standards with cooking. Won’t hurt to throw a pizza in or get some Cook meals delivered or something like that a few nights a week.

I’ve never had any help with any of my kids, and I definitely know more people who get no help at all, than ones that do from their families. I moved countries to be with my oh, unfortunately to be next to his family who have been less than useless. In the last 16 years we’ve had 4 children, I’ve never had a babysitter or day off, the only time anyone’s looked after my children after from me is when I was in labour having another one. My oh and I have been out more in the last 3 months than we have in the previous 17 years, only as my eldest has now turned 16 and is capable and willing to look after his siblings. The only thing you have to do is sit at home with 2 children while your husband provides for you, and pays to get your house cleaned. I guess your mistake was having the second child too soon, but they’ll grow up quickly and your toddler is already in childcare

You can get dressed, have a shower etc OP. You just need to put the children somewhere safe while you do it. So what if the toddler watches TV for ten minutes and the baby fusses in the cot for that time? They are safe and you are getting to do what you need to do.

You can put the baby down. You don't need to hold her for 15 hours straight. Put her down. Get yourself a cup of tea, give the kitchen surfaces a wipe if they're bothering you, then take a couple of minutes to breathe. All that will only take 5 minutes. The baby can be put down for 5 minutes.

I think you are putting a lot of pressure on yourself unnecessarily. Parents should look after their children but they shouldn't set themselves on fire to keep said children warm. You need to look after yourself too, but I think at the moment you're pressuring yourself too much.

You need to encourage your children to sleep beyond 6am, even if you have to feed your baby around then, I’d keep the room dark, etc and put them back down for a nap. Could you make bed-time a little later in the evening so the toddler might not wake as early.

Being up for the day at 6am is ridiculous when you don’t need to be. Change your routines around so you don’t need to be up until 7.30am at the very earliest.

If you’re out with your kids a lot, are you not meeting friends during some of this time ? The two days a week your DS is in nursery, can you keep these low key days at home, have freezer dinner and when your baby sleeps, use that time to relax, read, watch tv, etc.

I was a SAHM for years with three children and it is hard but you can carve out time for relaxing. I always tried to get as much house stuff/admin done during the day and once DH was at home it was 50/50 so we had time to relax once kids in bed. We had a cleaner once a week. I also paid someone to come in to mind the children for a few hours one morning a week so I had a few hours to myself.

What is it you want from your DH - you say you don’t want Nannies or strangers to help with your children - so that rules out hiring someone for a morning a week so you can have time to yourself. Can you each take a Saturday morning to yourselves, alternating weeks ?

You also say you have to breastfeed the 9mo to sleep. Obviously this is a completely personal choice, but would you consider starting to wean her off the breast so it's one less thing on you?

Take banana/ fruit bread Juice up to bed with you at night
Feed toddler in bed or attend of your bed .put dvd on TV and sleep while both are in your bed . toddler may fall back asleep
After lunch nap for toddler and baby in your bed,dvd on Stairgate on so toddler doesn't fall down stairs ..you nap ,baby naps ,toddler watches tv or naps.
Bedtime bath at 7 ,put both to bed,you go to bed too.
I had 3 under 3 and that's what worked for me
You already have a cleaner ,your made

Oh I’m definitely surviving similar….. again :(

Im 50. I had my 4 and did this. It was exhausting

now I have custody of a 3 and 4 year old. I’ve had them since the little one was born, so I did it again. Managed to work as well so at least got out. Then my DH got cancer and is now bed bound so I look after all 3 of them. All day.

Im exhausted and depressed.

Being a full time mother to 2 under 2 year olds is no pleasure cruise. If it was then men would falling over themselves to do it.
It’s quite possible the op has PND.
She has tried reaching out to her dh and he hasn’t done anything at all to help.
Op, I would start by telling your dh that you are not enjoying this life and that he absolutely has to do more.
Quite frankly I think these work ‘meetings’ etc are often an excuse. It’s time for your dh to spend alone with 2 needy, screaming children.
On a practical note, stop cooking from scratch every day. Buy frozen ready meals and make do with those at least once a week.
Buy clothes you can tumble dry and throw them in the tumble dryer. Buy clothes that don’t need ironing.
On a weekend your dh needs to be parenting his own dcs.
What does he do on a weekend?
Does he consider that his downtime?
In general nobody values the work of full time mothers except those who have done it and their adult children who realise how lucky they were to have such mothers.
If he doesn't step up after you speak to him again, then start and leave the housework and cooking.
Start and put your feet up.
I don’t know if he will change and if he doesn’t then you will have to decide if it’s worth staying in this marriage.
Would you be better off without him? Would he have the children every week? That would be the crucial factor for me. Would it give you a break to be a single parent.

Surely if you have time to type 8 quite long posts on here in under 70 minutes, you can find time during the day to brush your teeth?