Please help… AIBU

[Yesgojess]

Want to keep this brief but desperate for advice… I had 2 under 2. DD is 9 months and lovely but very clingy/ screamy (keep hoping it’s a phase but seems to be a never ending one). DS is a gorgeous, gentle and calm 2.5yo.
DH leaves the house before 6am, so I am up and dressed by 6 before a relentless day. He comes back around 6-6.30pm for bath and bedtime unless he’s out late with work (min. once a week). DS does 2 days in nursery and we have a cleaner but i do everything else. I have dinner on the table when DH walks in, I make everything fresh, I do all the cleaning up, shopping, planning, I’m bfing so have done all the night shifts since DD was born, including a 2 month stint completely alone while DH “needed sleep” because he started a new job.
my concern is that DH does not give a shit about me. He thinks having a good job and living in a nice house is a substitute for me ever having any support. I told him I was so exhausted I felt suicidal last week. I haven’t had any time to myself that wasn’t spent doing essential chores in I don’t know how long. We have no family nearby and we don’t live close to any of our friends. I get out with the kids a lot but never really have time to catch up with mum friends. I know it’s entirely normal to be chasing your tail and not managing much self care but my current concern is that even when I raise how dreadful I’m feeling to my DH he just doesn’t seem to care. I haven’t had a lie in for years. When I complain about having no time to myself he just says he has none either. I don’t think work compares to the relentlessness of being a 24/7 mother to infants and never having any time off. (I am also going back to work part time in March) After I lay into him and give him hell he will eventually apologise and help for one or two days until it blows over. it’s never consistent or ongoing and it’s usually off the back of a horrific row during which I say horrible things and he lets me know how pathetic I am for not being able to cope.
He’s (generally) a kind man, good with the kids, and he occasionally does some very small household tasks like the bins and very sporadic bits of cooking.

The issue is I just don’t think he will ever fundamentally change and I don’t know what to do. I don’t want a relationship like this where I am seething with resentment, snapping at my kids and crying at random because I’m so burnt out. I also don’t want to rely on Nannies or strangers to help me raise my family. None of this is ever what I envisaged and it’s so confusing being with someone for 16 years and suddenly realising you have such different priorities.
anyone else been in this boat or have any advice at all? It’s gone on for so long that I’ve started to wonder if he’s just an extra drain on my time and energy and if I’d be better off as a single parent without the constant disappointment of expecting someone to give a shit. Our lives are very intertwined and on the face of it everyone thinks he’s lovely and very hands on, but nobody sees me drowning behind the scenes. Any advice greatly appreciated and thank you if you’ve managed to read this far. Sorry for the essay.

He isn’t really kind or good with the kids if he only chips in at weekends. Especially when he knows you are really struggling. A kind man doesn’t let his parents come into his house and expect his wife to wait on them. He nips it in the bud.

How is that kind at all? How is he good with the kids if it’s all on you, weekends and evenings?

Either you are massively over exaggerating (which I don’t think you are and he does more than you are saying or maybe seeing because you feel so stressed and tired. Or you are trying to convince yourself he is kind and good with the kids, even though he isn’t.

Stop making the op feel worse. Of course she can’t get dressed or shower or clean her teeth or eat, she has 2 children (and a cleaner and childcare) 🙄 and definitely don’t tell your tales of having no help with disabled children and cancer stricken partners, you are clearly just showing off by being so far worse off than her, it’s unfair that she has healthy children, apparently doesn’t have to work or clean and has a parter who loves and provides for her.

He needs to be the primary parent (of at least the toddler, and baby where possible) at least one weekend day each week or two half days.

He needs to be giving you a lie in or an afternoon nap at least once at the weekend, handing you baby to feed then taking them both quiet and out to the park or something.

Personally I fed toddler a banana and had snuggles if they woke early, but I see what you're saying about time.

Did you miss the part where he starts work at an ungodly hour, and bathes and puts the children to bed when he gets home? How better better do you think he should be with them when he isn’t there?

Lol quite

I don’t think anyone has been ‘sassy’ they are pointing out many other Mums have been where you are and that things will get easier as they get older.

It does sound like you need to lower your standards a bit - why does dinner need to be on the table for DH and cooked from scratch? Why do you need to have ‘breakfast on’ for toddler? Baby doesn’t need to be held constantly and yes you can put them in cots while you shower/brush teeth.

I think you will feel mentally a lot better when you start working part time, which isn’t that long away now.

I had 2 under 2 age gap of 19 months, they are now 3 and almost 2. My husband is very helpful with certain bits, not so much with others. He also works shifts so I can go days without seeing him!
He freely admits that I have the harder job with the kids. One thing that's really helped lately is him having a day off looking after them while I work.
Depending on how long breastfed baby can last you need to get out the house when he's around! Until he's experienced how hard it is with both of them for a prolonged period with no back up, he probably won't get it.

I have a reframe here.
You are the captain of your ship. If you are doing the kids and house then that is your ship.
You do it your way. If you are tired crumbs are left on the counter. If you have more energy one day, you do what you see as important.
Have a clothes horse permanently set up and don't stint on tumble dryer use.
If you don't want or need to get dressed one day, then don't.
Order takeaway once a week/ fortnight.
Think of any ways to make life easier.
Playpen/ travel cot set up to pop the baby in can be a godsend.
Nobody gets to criticise how you do stuff unless they are prepared to be the solution.
Least of all MIL. Don't let her get a foot in on trying to tell you how to run your ship unless she's prepared to help.
This will pass. You will get through it.

Could you hire a home help a few mornings a week, someone who could help you with house stuff, help with your children, take care of them while you have a nap and also be adult company for you. You’d still be in the house so wouldn’t be leaving your children with strangers.

This thread isn't going particularly well and we can't imagine it's helping anyone so we're going to take this down and also take a look behind the scenes.

Chill out in the mornings, get dressed when you like, don't do the non essential chores would be the first starting point. The world won't stop because you haven't hoovered. Cut yourself some slack.

Thank you sincerely for those who took the time to reply to me with helpful suggestions. I’m really grateful. Getting the sense that I need to change my perspective and lower my expectations of myself because it isn’t getting any easier, and DH’s hours aren’t going to change. DD will be starting nursery when I go back to work so I think everything will change again then.

i was honest about having a cleaner and using a nursery because I’m not sure why I shouldn’t be, or why anybody would treat me bitterly for that. I’ve got a good professional full time job and I waited a long time to have children so that I could afford these things. people can have problems regardless of their circumstance without it being a competition. I don’t think anybody on earth with kids has it easy.

i got desperate yesterday. I’ve never ever posted on here before but after hitting an extremely low point, DH came home from work and took an emergency day off work, hence why I was taking the time to post and reply. Still got up at 5 though. lol. I’m also the kind of person who cannot nap for love nor money. My own worst enemy I fear.

@Wheresthefibre yeah this is where I struggle. Because he is genuinely good with them, I think it’s more of a me problem where he just doesn’t see that I can’t just go on and on relentlessly without a break. He’s also physically not here a lot of the time and probably wants a break himself but wouldn’t dare ask. He doesn’t make me wait on his parents but annoyingly he ends up waiting on them when I refuse to 🙄

Also… adorable toddler goes to nursery. I’m left with screamy clingy baby. She would never ever lie in bed for snuggles. Not complaining and absolutely adore her, but she’s very active and very needy and it’s all round been very different as DS was quite chill and immobile. I spend half my day just policing her destroying everything DS is doing while she screams at us all. Every time I think it’s getting a smidge easier it seems to get harder. Probably just need to stop hoping and get on with it.
Spoke to DH and agreed that I’d have one lie in on the weekend and he’ll take them both somewhere for an hour or so so I can get out or do something for myself. And he’ll batch cook one of the meals for the week. So at least that’s a step in the right direction. I’m not good at asking for help and have always been very independent, so am not finding it easy to rely on others.
thanks again for your time and replies.

I am very sorry for some of the replies tou got, OP.

This sounds a good start.

Ah I feel for you OP - been there with 2 under 2 - it's pure hell on wheels

I kept DD1 in nursery 3 days a week or I would have gone mad and she at least got more constant 1-1 attention. DD2 was a very fussy baby who fed badly and DH (now ex) was a workaholic who was in a band - so added evening rehearsals and gigs

all I can say is that it really does get better - but yes - let some stuff go - do what you have to make your life easier. Like you I tried to do everything 100% and it made me ill!

@poetryandwine lol please don’t be. I didn’t realise people came on here just to kick other women when they are down. The internet is a horrible place isn’t it. Thank you for taking the time I appreciate it x

Jesus!

There's some deeply unpleasant people on here

@ghostyslovesheets thank you. Yeah I didn’t see why I should take DS out of nursery just to spend more time in front of the tv/ listening to a baby scream at home. Nursery is amazing for them and if anything I miss him when he’s there. But yes it is hell other than those lovely moments in between the firefighting. My mother was awful, I just desperately don’t want to fail and constantly feel like I am. Sorry to hear about your split, although sounds like it might have been for the best. Xx

@Yesgojess - madly we went on to have DD3! But with a 4 year gap and it was much easier - the split was for the best - in fact it made him a better dad because he had to look after them 3 days/evenings a week!

They are 21,19,15 now and no lasting damage from the evils of nursery!

It's very hard when both of them are little and need you so much - the guilt is horrendous - so do what works for you - and please stop trying to be supermum for a bit - it's okay to have a day off - the clothes/dishes/crumbs will still be there the next day - unless DH objects in which case tell him to crack on!

Why on earth won't you accept help from a nanny or extra cleaning hours?
I am a SAHM and I have a nanny M-F, for five hours a day. And I have a cleaner too. Those 5 hours daily save my life. I love my dc but can't tell you how much I hate hate hate the early years. I would trade all the baby snuggles and 'firsts' for a 3yo. Get help if you can. The early years are brutal and depressing.

@mumsytoon i don’t know. I’m an idiot. We upped the cleaner and I found it annoying having her around me for a whole day every week so that didn’t last 😂🤦‍♀️
Met some mums who were recommending bubble today so might get on there and see if I can get a few hours of help a week, ahead of going back to work. I just struggle with whether it’s worth the cost or if it’s a ridiculous privilege. But I think you’d pay anything to stop yourself from going insane sometimes. 100% agree about the early years..: the worst.

I think you're at the height of clingy breastfed baby. I remember my youngest being that age and she was constantly in my arms and I could barely leave the room, even when DH was there (who has always been an excellent father btw)
It will pass at around 12 months when they themselves are spending more time exploring the world around them. Which will coincide with you going back to work.
It sounds like your DH is already doing a lot as when he's home, he's being an active father.
You are also putting a lot of pressure on yourself to have a perfect routine. You're still on mat leave, which is primarily a time to look after and bond with the baby, not necessarily the time to be a perfect housewife. You don't have to have dinner on the table when DH gets home from work. If you manage it and it's appreciated, then great. If you don't and he does it, or looks after the kids while you make it, then that's good too and is how most families with young kids operate.
It might not feel like it, but you've got it easier than most. A cleaner, the day in nursery and not having the financial pressures of surviving on a shoestring and having to cart the kids round budget supermarkets and shops to make ends meet, which is also the reality of a lot of mums. That's not to undermine how you are feeling, just to give some perspective.
Things are going to change very quickly as the baby gets a bit older, so it'll get better.