Please help… AIBU

[Yesgojess]

Want to keep this brief but desperate for advice… I had 2 under 2. DD is 9 months and lovely but very clingy/ screamy (keep hoping it’s a phase but seems to be a never ending one). DS is a gorgeous, gentle and calm 2.5yo.
DH leaves the house before 6am, so I am up and dressed by 6 before a relentless day. He comes back around 6-6.30pm for bath and bedtime unless he’s out late with work (min. once a week). DS does 2 days in nursery and we have a cleaner but i do everything else. I have dinner on the table when DH walks in, I make everything fresh, I do all the cleaning up, shopping, planning, I’m bfing so have done all the night shifts since DD was born, including a 2 month stint completely alone while DH “needed sleep” because he started a new job.
my concern is that DH does not give a shit about me. He thinks having a good job and living in a nice house is a substitute for me ever having any support. I told him I was so exhausted I felt suicidal last week. I haven’t had any time to myself that wasn’t spent doing essential chores in I don’t know how long. We have no family nearby and we don’t live close to any of our friends. I get out with the kids a lot but never really have time to catch up with mum friends. I know it’s entirely normal to be chasing your tail and not managing much self care but my current concern is that even when I raise how dreadful I’m feeling to my DH he just doesn’t seem to care. I haven’t had a lie in for years. When I complain about having no time to myself he just says he has none either. I don’t think work compares to the relentlessness of being a 24/7 mother to infants and never having any time off. (I am also going back to work part time in March) After I lay into him and give him hell he will eventually apologise and help for one or two days until it blows over. it’s never consistent or ongoing and it’s usually off the back of a horrific row during which I say horrible things and he lets me know how pathetic I am for not being able to cope.
He’s (generally) a kind man, good with the kids, and he occasionally does some very small household tasks like the bins and very sporadic bits of cooking.

The issue is I just don’t think he will ever fundamentally change and I don’t know what to do. I don’t want a relationship like this where I am seething with resentment, snapping at my kids and crying at random because I’m so burnt out. I also don’t want to rely on Nannies or strangers to help me raise my family. None of this is ever what I envisaged and it’s so confusing being with someone for 16 years and suddenly realising you have such different priorities.
anyone else been in this boat or have any advice at all? It’s gone on for so long that I’ve started to wonder if he’s just an extra drain on my time and energy and if I’d be better off as a single parent without the constant disappointment of expecting someone to give a shit. Our lives are very intertwined and on the face of it everyone thinks he’s lovely and very hands on, but nobody sees me drowning behind the scenes. Any advice greatly appreciated and thank you if you’ve managed to read this far. Sorry for the essay.

Firstly - do you need to be up and dressed before your husband leave in the morning. You sound exhausted. Can you stay in bed? My BF children would usually want a feed then a nap around then. If the toddler hasn't woken - go back to sleep. If they have woken bring them into bed for Snuggles too (or a cartoon while you doze).

That doesn't answer your big issues but might help with one bit.

I also don’t understand why you need to be up and dressed before your husband,

also can I ask gently, was he like this with the first, or is this a new thing since the second?

I must admit I’m confused as to why you get up so early.

I know it’s sometimes a soul destroying couple of years when they’re little but it will end.

Could your 9 month old do a few hours in nursery with your elder child to carve out a few ‘you’ hours?

just seen your thread after writing a very similar one of my own…

https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/parenting/4982673-advice-on-how-to-survive-this-phase

i wish I had some advice but I’m looking for some of my own. Totally know where you’re coming from and I get what you’re going through.

Another one confused about the up and dressed so early requirement. Do you make him breakfast or something? I’d be tempted to stay in bed until the kids woke up or take the kids into the bedroom for a little while.

Based on what you’re describing, and assuming you can afford it, I would be tempted to hire a nanny/childminder for one day a week, so you can do something just for you or simply rest. I don’t think one day would mean you aren’t raising your family. It sounds like you need it.

Both kids are up by 6, baby Is up anytime from 5 and toddler wakes up STARVING. So even if I’m not dressed, I have to have breakfast on before I get him out of bed. Then it’s the relentless both needing me all morning so I don’t have a spare ten seconds to get ready later on. Toddler already uses tv way too much while I’m settling baby

Why on earth are you up and dressed by 6am every day? That's just silly.

Are the kids awake at 6am? What time does dh leave for work?

Stop making everything fresh. A few frozen/ ready/ easy meals (pasta and salad) will not kill anybody.

Set up a rota with things you want dh to be responsible for.

Things will need to change when you go back to work so you both need to start working together now to prepare.

Why does your dh not sort toddler breakfast while you feed baby?

You "get him out of bed"? Why are you responsible for him as well as the kids?
Also what about weekends? What does he take off your plate to make things more equal. I sincerely hope he's not having 2 lie-ins and being handed dinner and clean clothes etc.

I understand the getting up and ready.

When mine were younger I was always up and showered before my partner left for work (around 7am) because it was near on impossible once he'd left, and being ready just set me up with a better mindset for the day.

As suggested above, could your baby go to nursery/a childminder for a few hours a week?

A frank and honest conversation should be had with your husband. Something has to give.

@Getthethrowonthesofa It’s a good question. Combination of factors. He had a diff job that was slightly less intense, we shared parental leave and everything was just easier with one. I think he was the same but I just didn’t realise it because of those things making life “easier”

@aperolspritzbasicbitch thank you for not making me feel mad for this. If I don’t brush my teeth and wash my face at 5.55 I literally cannot find the time to do it. 2 under 2 has been the most intense experience of my life. I don’t even shower until they’re both in bed at night because there’s not a spare moment.

I think you need to lower your standards a bit. You say you 'have his dinner on the table' when he gets back - does he insist on this or are you putting the pressure on yourself? Can you batch cook and let him reheat his own food when he gets back in?

It's tough being a parent to small children. Sometimes you have to prioritise the basics - keeping them safe and fed which includes a basically clean environment. Anything above that is a bonus.

Luckily you do have some support - a cleaner, nursery care for your older child as well as financial support from your husband. Whilst comparison is not helpful this is a lot more than many people have.

See if you can just keep everything as simple as possible - food, clothing, laundry etc. - minimise extra activities and spend time cuddling in bed with the children or even just watching cbeebies together.

It does usually get less intense as they get older.

@ConflictedCheetah him is my toddler, who can’t get himself out of his cot 🙄

How do you both spend your hours once he's home? Do you have the same amount/any free time?

When I was where you are DH did all the washing up from that day in the evening which gave me a little time back in the day & we did weekly cleaning jobs together/tag team at the weekend.

You must make sure you get out each day it's so important for your mental health.

FWIW I did find going from 0 to 1 meant both our lives changed dramatically but when we went from 1 to 2 my life changed dramatically but his was basically the same & I found that very hard (after that adding children didn't make much of a difference 🤣).

Your high standards are admirable but they may be killing you.

If you must cook from scratch, batch cooking is your friend.

Accept that aspects of life are shit right now. There's no getting around it.

Cut some corners for your own sanity.

I had a mother's help for the first couple of years. I understand you don't want strangers in your home helping to raise your children but the way you're going, your children are at risk of far worse than this. Also, my experiences was that the responsible 19 year old we found who could give a bottle and take the children out was very quickly not a stranger but a valued auntie figure to the children. Even when she moved on, someone amazing entered their lives to replace her. It was a gift and they suffered not a jot. I was all the better for a chance to read a book/see friends/be blissfully alone for a couple of hours every day.

You’re not doing anything more than any other parent with young children, plus you have the benefit of a cleaner and nursery days.

Re the exhaustion are you looking after yourself re diet and vitamins etc, if you’re low in Vit D and Iron for example it’s really going to impact your energy and mental health.

I had 3 under 5 including 2 under 2.
I have no experience on DH issue as mine worked shifts and did share parenting etc but I do have some tips for keeping things easier during the day.

Outsource as much as possible. Have food shopping delivered, have some ready meals, use Hellp Fresh (if in UK).
Use childcare for the oldest if you can afford it. Even if it's half a day twice a week.
Ask the older toddler to help mummy with baby. Even if they just bring you nappies.
Get household help. A cleaner, gardener.
And learn to let stuff go. If the house is mess, his tea isn't on the table when he is home or the kids do watch way more TV than they should it doesn't matter.

And after tea say I'm off for bath....... 🙂

Ah apologies! I'm in bed with flu and my comprehension is clearly lacking. Plus you really read some mad stuff on here sometimes..

To my second point though, does your DH pitch in at weekends?

What happens at the weekend? Presuming your DH works Mon-Fri of course.

We found with our second it was important not to do everything together in order to give the other adult abit of alone time eg one person does Saturday breakfast routine and the other gets a lie in and vice versa. Or one does a trip to soft play and the other takes over when they get back etc.
You need to remind him you're part of the same team especially when you return to work. A rota would really help. If the expectations are clear he will maybe more accountable?
I find my DH will often not realise things need done but will willingly do them if asked/prompted. Once he's been asked a few times he remembers it needs done in the future.
I could do everything myself but would be seething resentment which doesn't benefit anyone.
Getting your baby a few hrs of nursery would make the world of difference to you. Wouldn't cost the earth and would be a good settling-in stage before you go back to work?

Lower your standards a bit. Have dinner after the dc have gone to bed so dh can help with that. Cleaning doesn’t need to be done every day. Make time to sit and have a rest every single day. Toddlers are usually happy to cuddle and watch tv for half an hour whilst the baby is sleeping. Tell him you want a lie in one day at the weekend. We used to have one each, and it was sacrosanct.

Clean, fed, not dead was my mantra when DTs were small.

You can shower when they are awake - stick them both in their cots for 5 mins, that's all you need.

He needs to help at night, is the baby BF? I used to do all the night wakings Sunday-Thursday as DH is a teacher and drives other people's kids around to fixtures etc and it was getting dangerous. He did Fri/Sat so I could at least catch up on sleep. H also did the 10pm feed during the week and I would go to bed around 8.30. As a minimum he needs to do the weekends.

You have a cleaner and one of your children has two days at nursery.

So where is the stress coming from? Identify what the issue is and streamline it.

If it's the shopping, take an hour once a week to plan all meals for the week ahead, then put in an online shop to be delivered.

If it's the pressure to cook, cut back. Make easier meals. Buy oven pizzas and ready made salad. Buy ready made pies and steam some vegetables. Buy ready made pasta sauce. You get the idea. Planning the meals a week ahead will also mean the mental load of "oh god, what shall we have today, oh I'll make that to use up X but shit we need Y to go with it and now I have to go to the shops" is gone.

If it's the laundry, save the things you don't need urgently and you and your H tackle it together at weekends.

I'd be using the days your toddler is in nursery to catch up on sleep and just nap when your 9mo does. Take those days as slow and as chilled as you can.

I have to have breakfast on before I get him out of bed

What kind of breakfasts are you cooking for your toddler? Fruit, cereal, toast, or porridge only take a couple of minutes. You don't need to get breakfast "on" before he gets up.