Advice on how to survive this phase!

[Toto531]

ill try to keep this as brief as possible but I’m basically looking for advice on how I can survive this phase I’m currently in. I have a 14 month old and 2.5 year old. The 14 month old was 2 months premature and a twin but we lost his brother so the last year or so has been really difficult as it is. My partner is a farmer and works around 4am until 8.30pm….this is 7 days a week. He might get a few hours off on the weekends if lucky. We don’t live on the farm so we don’t see him during the day. We eat no meals together as a family. I’m currently really struggling to just hold it all together. I’m responsible for everything concerning the children as well as all household chores (cooking, cleaning, laundry, tidying etc). I returned to work in September, 3 days a week. When I’m at work, the children are at nursery and sometimes the youngest goes to MIL’s as he’s still on the waiting list for the rest of his nursery days. When working, I get up super early so I can attempt to get ready before the children otherwise it’s chaos. I take them to their childcare and then sometimes have to drive for an hour to get to where I’m working that day. Then in the evening, I pick them up from nursery or MIL’s, get home, sort their dinner, feed them, bath them, get them ready for bed and then we have to wait for my partner to get home so he can take one to bed and I take the other. Sometimes they won’t be asleep until gone 9pm and then I have to cook us our dinner meaning we don’t eat until nearly 10pm. Days where I’m not working drive me insane as I feel stuck indoors as taking both of them anywhere by myself is a nightmare. My 2.5 year old is horrendous for running away. My parents don’t live here and I moved here about 4 years ago to be with my partner so my network of support isn’t fully established. There are some days I feel like I literally can’t cope and I’m going insane. I get terrible mum rage and then I feel so awful afterwards for shouting. I wake up feeling so anxious about how I’m going to cope with the day and I feel like everything is just so chaotic and disorganised. I’m desperate for some time to myself but it is literally impossible as I have no one who can have the children. I don’t like to ask my MIL as I can tell she’s not overly happy about having my youngest whilst we wait for his other nursery days to become available. I feel like I can’t get anything done around the house and it’s just a mess and I can’t stand it.
I’ve tried to tell my partner how I’m feeling and that I’m desperate for some support but he just says he’s trying his best. I know he’s fed up with me asking as sometimes he gets annoyed and tells me to change the record as it’s the same old thing. I know that this is all part of being a mum but I have never felt so down and lonely in my whole life. I’m so used to being a happy and outgoing person and I feel like I’ve completely lost myself. Even if I had an hour to myself each week, where I did something for myself, like a class of some sort, I know it would make a difference. But it’s just impossible to factor in because of my partner’s work. I know there are far bigger problems out there and I know how lucky I am to have a roof over my head and 2 beautiful children but at the moment I am really not enjoying this and feel like I’m basically in survival mode everyday. Any advice on how to get through this stage would be greatly appreciated. Please be kind…💖

You poor thing, that sounds so stressful. I doubt anyone would cope in this situation without feeling like they're losing their minds. This situation is not sustainable. If you sat DP down & explained it to him, how would he take it? Would he talk & come up with solutions together?

That’s part of the problem really. I find it so difficult to communicate with him. He just says he doesn’t know what I can do. It really doesn’t feel like we’re a team. I’ve tried so many times to talk to him but it goes no where and can just end in an argument which isn’t great for anyone.

As above this sounds a very stressful and chaotic life! Give yourself some grace for getting this far and doing a wonderful job raising your two young kids so well ❤️

I think it is unlikely as you say from the nature of your partner's work for that to change. So I'd we put a pin in that there's a few options really for you.

1. You move closer to your parents who it's seems to be implied would be more supportive and helpful? Given your partner works so much anyways would you really see him that much? Is there chance for you to do 5 days nearer parents, two days with him on the weekend when he has more time? Geographically I'm not sure how that would work out for you, how far are you parents away? Even if this isn't feasible, I'd maybe sit your partner down and tell him this is what your considering due to the level of stress your under. It might at the very least be something to make him stop and listen!
2. Kids need to be in nursery 5 days a week so you have a chance to at least have time to yourself.
3. Meal preparation when partner is available/ kids in nursery so you aren't cooking meals till god knows when. This was life saving for me when I returned to work, also limits dishes to wash on your list of chores!

Can I ask why it is you don't live with partner on the farm? Is it not his? Does he have plans to move onto a farm so that you could at least be at his place of work?

I know it's seems hard now but this is just a phase, your kids will get older and easier or at (least less dependant on you!) When you go to work it does actually start to feel a bit like me time, or at the very least adult conversation and time out the house. And eventually kids will be in school full time as well. Is DC1 going to pre school when they turn three? Might be something worth looking into.

Good luck!

Thanks YetiSeven. Appreciate your words.
My parents are a few hours away so, as much as I'd love to, I don't think it's something I'd do. My partner wouldn't be best pleased about it either. Trust me, I have considered it a lot recently.

I think my mum guilt is stopping me from sending them to nursery 5 days a week. That and the cost. It already costs us around £1200 and that's with only 5 days between them both a week. I just don't think we could afford it at the moment. My job wrongly advertised the salary I'm on as well (that's another story that makes my blood boil) so I'm technically out of pocket once childcare and fuel costs are taken into consideration.

I like the idea of finding time to do more meal prep. I think I need to see if my partner can take the children for a few hours on the farm on weekends so I can attempt this. That would certainly make life easier.

My partner's parents live in the farmhouse, hence the reason we don't. We live down the road from them so not far. We will have to move to the farm one day though but I assume that's when his parents are no longer around.

I know it will start to get gradually easier as they get older, I guess when you're in the thick of it, you can't see a light at the end of the tunnel.

We're in Wales so everything is different to what I'm used to in the education system in England. I'm still trying to get my head around it. I think my eldest can go to something but not until next Easter I've been told.

Thanks for your help 😊

Probably far fetched but can your in laws not move out/swap homes with you guys? Sounds like its the family business; can you speak to them about it/about changing the intensity of his work/getting some additional staffing at the farm?
Your partner might be getting defensive because he also feels trapped/obliged to do because its his parents and he doesn't know what to do.

You're doing an amazing job and everyone would be feeling how you are, don't do yourself a disservice!

Thank you carmexmum. Everyone is making me feel better sometimes I feel like the worst mum!

They're conversations we've had. His parents were supposed to live in the house we're in and us in the farmhouse but his dad will never leave it whilst he's alive and working on the farm. I've tried to help find them extra work hands for the farm but people just wouldn't stick out the farm work and left after a short time. It's not the nicest of hours. Plus, I'm not sure my partner and his family did the best job at the whole selection process. They're not especially organised. I've no farming skills whatsoever so I stay out of it most of the time and am just around when they need It skills and letter writing! (I'm a teacher 🤣)

Do you have room in your house for an au pair? I think if they live in and are getting food and accommodation you don't have to pay very much?
Could you go up to the in laws for lunch and your partner join you there to break up the day a bit and have a shared meal....
It sounds really tough. Maybe if there's any way at all of paying for a bit of extra childcare even a babysitter every now and then for you to get a bit of time to yourself.
Or could your parents come to stay with you more frequently? Just to get you through the really tough times....as the little one gets older they'll start to play together more and it'll become a bit less relentless ....

Yes, an au pair isn't a bad shout at all actually. We did joke about that when we thought it was going to be the twins. I have this horrible mum guilt though, like it's wrong if me to want time to myself. But I know it'll make me a better mum if I do.

I did use to go to the farm more when it was just the eldest that I had but that kind of stopped. If I'm honest, I've found MIL quite bossy and interfering recently and so I guess I've distanced myself. Perhaps I jyst need to get over that for the sake of my sanity. The children do live to go out on the farm and see the cows and ride in the tractors.

My parents both still work and my dad is in call every other weekend so tgat can make it tricky but they do help when they can. It's a god send when they visit but always a little awjward/tense as they don't seem to like my partner much. I think they get annoyed at his lack of help etc.

It's so hard. I've always admired women in your situation where the daughter in law has to move to the farm while the grandparents are still living there... especially if MIL is bossy... You'd need the patience of a saint! I think it's easier to visit grandparents etc when you've only 1 child. I've three children and when we had one (easy quiet girl) we were welcomed with open arms and now that we've got three I think people find us overwhelming!
As they get older the farm will be brilliant for them though, children that grow up on farms always are so independent and have lots of common sense.
I know how you feel - I am in a city but my parents are several hours away and both work so can't help much. My little boy was a runner too and all through the pandemic we only had outdoor options....I spent most of the time chasing him and couldn't chat to anyone even if the opportunity arose.
I don't think you would regret an au pair especially if granny is getting grumpy about having to do babysitting. There is no need to feel guilty it's a really tough stage of life, you just need to survive it whatever way you can and everyone needs me time and also social contact with other adults. And in my experience some children are easier than others and if they are challenging there's even more need to get someone else to take over regularly so that you can recharge.