To ask at what age children need you the most

[Hiraeth20]

I’m considering retraining in a field which will give me more money and will hopefully allow me to work part time whilst maintaining the lifestyle we enjoy.

The training itself will be full time over 3 years so I’m interested to know from those who have adult children at which stage you felt your kids needed you most so I can decide when to retrain. I have a 3 year old and my feeling is that as he gets older he will benefit from me having more time to dedicate to school pick ups, clubs, activities etc., so it’s best to do the training now and get it out of the way. We would also like another child so this is something to consider.

Of course it’s a very individual decision but I’d be interested to hear from others and their experiences.

Without a doubt the teen years.
Nothing prepares you for it and their needs change constantly- push / pull.

Emotionally they are all over the place
Educationally they go through their hardest years
Socially their friendships are completely up and down
Etc etc

I've never been needed more. Mine are 19,17 & 13. It is utterly exhausting.

Mine needed me more the younger they were and gained more independence the older they were. They still need me in their late teens (one at uni) but not as much as when they were younger.

My oldest is 6, youngest 6m, middle child 4. I am astounded and horrified to hear it gets more labour intensive. Is this true even for those of us who haven't 'outsourced' most of the care? I mean, my 6yo follows me around talking to me from the moment she wakes until the moment I leave her bedroom at night. I help her with every word of her homework, and take her to a party just about every weekend. She is without question the easiest ie least labour intensive child at the moment. My 4yo is screaming with rage every morning before school, and still needs her bum wiped,teeth brushed, still gets up at 5.30 for the day,still wets the bed on occasion. My 6mo wakes 5-8 times/ night, and I cooked dinner with one hand this evening because she wouldn't be put down. DH currently bathing all 3, while I deal with the after dinner bomb site (after a quick Mumsnet scroll, naturally). And yeah, I can see that teenager problems are much bigger, but the idea of my parents helping me with my homework after about 10 years old. Nope. I'd also say the talking through stuff I do with my 6yo is one of the most pleasant and rewarding parts of parenting. It's just not as exhausting as playing pretend or feeding back to sleep for the 7th time...

Just to be clear, I'm not disagreeing with the parents of teens. You've been there! I'm just horrified!

All those saying teens need you most - presumably you don’t mean physically need you during the working day do you? I have been assuming that from leaving the house at 8 to walk to school to arriving back around 4:45/5 that I’d be able to concentrate on my work. They don’t often get sent home sick do they? If they want to talk is that not more of an evening/nighttime thing?

edit: I’ve just realised they all have mobiles, are they calling through the day? Eeek. I was hoping to be interrupted at work less.

Nah, not true in my case. Teen years have been the easiest! My teen is easy going though, never has any drama, just cracks on with stuff. Maybe I've been lucky. I was the same though as a teen!

Mine is also in year 11 getting 8s and 9s never had a behaviour point or detention, ever. He is more than capable of doing homework but likes to discuss revision and discuss his life. Oh he also eats a varied diet not just pasta.

Mine is also in year 11 getting 8s and 9s never had a behaviour point or detention, ever. He is more than capable of doing homework but likes to discuss revision and discuss his life. Oh he also eats a varied diet not just pasta.

Did anyone say they only fed their child pasta?! It was an example, not a daily menu. Nobody is denying that some teens might want or need more parental input than others. I was responding to your apparent attitude that all teens need this, and your implication that parents who don't parent teens as actively as you are failing their children.

Mine isn't allowed to have her phone out during school. She leaves the house at 7.15 and is home at 4.15. If I told her she needed to spend all evening talking to me she'd be horrified. She has her own stuff to do 😄

I’m not sure anyone says it’s more labour intensive. It’s just that they are actually emotionally pretty needy at that time and a parents presence can have a lot of value. It’s a very different kind of need.

Just today my daughter came in from school and burst into tears due to a combination of a bad test result and a boy picking on her today. A quick cuddle, an off load and a hot chocolate managed to diffuse a lot of it. Ten mins tops of my time, and then straight back to the computer. If I had been in the office she would have stewed and the upset would have been off the chart by the time I got home. I’m so grateful for homeworking. I just logged off a bit later to make the time up and she was so much better and able to tackle her homework ok.

Teenagers need you more than you think but it’s much more flexible eg can spend time with them 6pm to 10pm. Younger kids need collecting from school so harder with full time unless you have childcare help.

If you do it when they are in secondary school it’s fine so do 9-6 as long as you are around in the evenings. ,

I have 2 DD (16 and 18) and definitely I feel it’s more important for me to be around when they get in from school in the teen years than it did when they were little. The youngest needs to download and decompress straight away, using me as a sound board. We both get a lot out of it and have a strong relationship.
My eldest is more like I was at that age - didn’t want to talk to anyone, just go in the bedroom and need space and a bit of peace! But when she emerges for tea, she shares.

I’m in a privileged position in that I’ve always been able to be there when they’ve come home (barring odd times obvs), but I’ve also found that car journeys (too and from extra curricular activities) are also a place where they feel they can really talk and some of our biggest conversations have been in the car.

My advice would be do it asap.

I remember leaving my eighteen month old baby to escort a (female) bigwig on a visit abroad. I mentioned at one point how much I was missing him and she gave me this look and said that preschoolers just need someone to consistent to be there for them and to be nice to them.

She advised I should get a nanny and focus on my career and take time off when they are teens because that’s when they would need me and not anyone else.

I only followed some of her advice (may have failed on the career front) but now I have teens I can definitely see what she means.

I’m six months off finishing my nursing degree as a mature student I started when my dd was 1 and had ds during my course I did have a lot of help from family and I got a childcare grant so I could put them in nursery which helped.

Teens, one ND, one with MH issues - disruptive of work, including attending medical assessments and getting them to interventions and dealing with issues at school etc.

Another vote for teens here! Babies and toddlers are more physically exhausting but once they started school they were happy to go to grandparents, friends houses, summer clubs etc. Teens often don't want to do these things but value having you "around ". They need more lifts, more food, more time to chat when they are ready. Cooking together is a great way to get them talking about what's really going on.

Another saying teens! Total shocker, who knew they were so needy? 😵‍💫

Aged eleven until at least fifteen perhaps older depending on their decisions with regards to relationships and career choices.

Newborns until at least three years old is a given because they need mum to regulate their heartbeat and emotions and everything in between.

Young children can be entertained and fairly independent to the point you could probably kick start a new career though aged seven until eight really seems to be the bitchy bullying sort of development age so this may cause challenges.

Once they hit aged eleven children will be questioning everyones ability to love them in various ways and this is the time where you need to be both resilient and open to them.

Get the training done. I am in the same boat and have decided the time is now before teen years.

Under three without a doubt. Teenagers need you too but it’s often for a chat just as you are going to bed.
My teens were easy though.

Because I had to work I wasn't there after school. But that doesn't mean I didn't talk to them when I did get in. I like to think that my teens were more resilient in that they didn't need me to be immediately available whenever they wanted to discuss something.

Newborns

Agree with this. I also want my teen to learn that the world doesn't revolve around him and that we can't always drop everything immediately. Obviously in an emergency I'd be there, but I'm not pausing work just so he can have a chat as soon as he walks in the door. That's not how the real world works.

Little ones need someone. They need collecting from school, feeding, driving to football/gymnastics whatever. Older ones need you, specifically. In my experience, and way.

My mum thinks that we need her more now in our 30s with our own kids and my sibling navigating a divorce, think she's finding this age quite tough 🤣