To ask at what age children need you the most

[Hiraeth20]

I’m considering retraining in a field which will give me more money and will hopefully allow me to work part time whilst maintaining the lifestyle we enjoy.

The training itself will be full time over 3 years so I’m interested to know from those who have adult children at which stage you felt your kids needed you most so I can decide when to retrain. I have a 3 year old and my feeling is that as he gets older he will benefit from me having more time to dedicate to school pick ups, clubs, activities etc., so it’s best to do the training now and get it out of the way. We would also like another child so this is something to consider.

Of course it’s a very individual decision but I’d be interested to hear from others and their experiences.

I think it's about the same all the way through. They just need you in different ways.

I trained when my daughter was 6. I found the older she got, the more she needed/wanted me at home.

There is no perfect time so do it now. That way you will have the benefit of the qualification and the flexibility it brings for longer while your family is growing. Even if you are planning another child you can always take a year out and come back to it, but do it now because it is very easy to find excuses not to do things for yourself when life is busy.

Definitely teenagers!

I don’t have kids but I’m a bit surprised so many people are saying teens. Up to 16 then yeah, but I have a memory of my mum (who already worked part-time) stepping up work a bit when I was 16-18 and it felt very natural in terms of that being a stage when I was at home less and increasing my independence. I actually have a memory of that being a time when my mum seemed happier and less frazzled than when she was devoting herself more fully to childcare, which tbh I think was good for the whole family, and it was also a good point for me to see her making strides in her career as I was starting to think more concretely about mine. I guess it does depend what’s going on with the individual kid though, if they’re starting to have relationship troubles or get into drugs (which I wasn’t) then maybe it could be a time when they need you.

Teens, 14-18 sometimes a bit later.

I'd say teens. That's the point where picking up nuances on behaviour, or being there if they do decide to talk is crucial (I think) younger kids were their emotions much clearer, teenagers are a whole closed off set of new issues

Agree with most other posters.
The teen years have definitely been the most demanding in our house.

Teens. I'd take sleepless nights and shitty nappies over teens any day.

@Comedycook really? It's all I knew I suppose. I'm a completely different type of parent, but I thought it was just a thing that was done at that point in time. I can't really imagine being a teenager and needing my parents.

Yes it's really shocking you had to care for so many siblings and cook every day and take on so much responsibility. What really struck me was when you said when you left home, they hired a home help. If they had the ability to do that, they should have done it before rather than relying on you.

Teens definitely.

I did an OU course when DD was 6-13years old. Sat in the back of the car with my laptop, in the rugby clubhouse and poolside depending on the sport she was at so you can squeeze study in anywhere. She needed me less emotionally between 7-10 although practically to help her with things, once she hit teens she needed me much more emotionally, plus as a taxi service as friends were more spread out but less for other practical things

Part of me regrets studying alot in her childhood when she was far happier to go out and about with me (and before we knew she had autism that drains all of the energy out of her as a teen). However financially we are in a far better position and although my degree isn't required for my job I don't think I would have gotten my role without it and I have fantastic work-life balance.

I worked had to encourage my kids to be independent but they need you in different ways forever!
What changes is the type of support they need. Posters who highlight the teenage years are not wrong. I found it had to be on their terms though. We referred to it as being "on call". Whether it was an emergency lift at midnight or an emotional drama of some sort...it was the most emotionally demanding time

Depends on the individual child. For mine, probably about 9-13, especially the time around their transition to secondary school. They are 18 and nearly 16 now, and have been very unproblematic teens so far.

Depending on age, it's a different type of NEED.

A younger child will NEED a grown up, but it can be generally anyone to give them some attention.

A teenager NEEDS a parent for emotional support, along with support for homework, organisation, becoming independent etc...

So I'd do your training NOW rather than later.

Teens. They need you to always be there but in the backgrounds. Not to be seen (you will embarrass them) but be around.

I don't agree teen years for what you're describing. By teens mine were self sufficient in getting themselves to and from activities/friends/clubs etc so didn't need me in that way. They usually weren't home till 6ish. Yes they needed me emotionally, but that's not the same.

Whereas when little they needed me around to do pickups etc so they didn't have super long days in childcare.

Baby/toddler more consuming, teens understand better when you need to take a phone call, can rustle up some food or whatever. However ...
I would do the training now, there will be no "better" time, you don't know what is round the corner.
Quite a few people I know had big plans for the teenage years and for some it did not quite pan out, as someone said upthread, it's you who needs to be there when it goes tits up for teens, you can't just send them to after school club or on a playdate.
You might have fabulous, low demand teens, but with the training done, more money coming in, you might really get a chance then to do things you want to do.

THIS

Children of different ages need their parents for different things. They’re all challenging in their own ways.

Baby - physically cannot survive without their parents
Toddler/preschooler - could probably survive for a bit but still rely on parents for everything
5-10 - could keep themselves alive for a while but need you for school runs, clubs, adult supervision
Teens - can easily fend for themselves but overwhelming emotions they don’t know how to manage yet.

My DSis had such severe anxiety when she was around 16-18 that she needed my parents more than ever. I need my parents now to support us with our DC and I’m nearly 30. This was more pronounced in my last job because it was so time consuming and my mental health took a nose-dive.

0-5 and 11-16

Teens. I worked longer hours (0.8, not full time) and pushed for promotions when they were small. Incredible childminder who was like family. Was then able to quit and go freelance as they were finishing primary and now do very flexible hours. They have no real recollection of me working more when they were very small and now they value me being around at the end of the day to debrief, decompress etc. It's less about practical logistics, more about emotional support.

This 100%.

This is all really interesting, thank you to everyone who’s commented their experiences. My DS is a mummy’s boy, he definitely needs me and DH but equally he has such a wonderful time when he’s with either set of grandparents it’s often a struggle to get him home. So I understand about being able to “outsource” that support when they’re tiny.

I think a huge part of me feels guilty about potentially working full time (and more) during the early years, particularly for the next baby, but I can see that being the case at any age and stage. Ultimately it will be the best for our family in the long term.