To ask at what age children need you the most

[Hiraeth20]

I’m considering retraining in a field which will give me more money and will hopefully allow me to work part time whilst maintaining the lifestyle we enjoy.

The training itself will be full time over 3 years so I’m interested to know from those who have adult children at which stage you felt your kids needed you most so I can decide when to retrain. I have a 3 year old and my feeling is that as he gets older he will benefit from me having more time to dedicate to school pick ups, clubs, activities etc., so it’s best to do the training now and get it out of the way. We would also like another child so this is something to consider.

Of course it’s a very individual decision but I’d be interested to hear from others and their experiences.

Teens definitely. Especially those going thro GCSE and further ed. I didn't believe this when they where little but teens need you much more than younger kids just in different ways.

Just do it now, there will
never be a good time. My 20 year old is still pretty needy and he doesn’t even life here most of the time anymore!

Going to chime in with teens. Got 23yo, 16yo & 14yo DSs.

That said! If you outsource too much when they are young you might find when they need mum & dad as teens they might not feel like you're there for them & find that support elsewhere.

A large part of being 'needed' is actually just existing for them, even if the buggers just sit in another room with their headphones on! 14yo sits in with us almost all the time, but under a blanket - he doesn't want to engage, just be around us. In fact...sometimes it's a case of woe betide us if we DO try & engage 🤦🏼‍♀️

22yo moved out & has a baby & superwoman girlf, but even this week he needs dad to help him with something & we've had a flurry of messages & photos about baby trying first foods.

I came to say this.

I retrained when my kids started school and I’m so glad I didn’t wait. I’m now in a position where I have established myself enough in my new role to be around before and after school and do drop offs and pick-ups. I took for granted that at this age I wouldn’t need to but dd 15 moved school and it’s further away with lots of extra-curriculars and she often doesn’t finish until 6 so being able to leave early to collect her is a godsend. She needs me far more now than she did when she was smaller (although she was much nicer to be around in those days!!!).

I dispute teen years. My teens were very independent and I didn't ferry them around. If they wanted to get somewhere they had to work how who to get there and back themselves. They could cook, and helped out in the house. All this stood them in very good stead when they left for uni. I'd say that young children need you the most. As in 8 and under.

Teens. They can do more for themselves but need a lot more emotional input

My teens can do all this. My teens need me more now with the emotional stuff, dealing with school pressures, dealing with the next steps. Needing me to physically be there for then in a way they didn't need when younger. Yes they can cook etc but that's not where the support ends.

I'm going against the grain and saying babies and toddlers. Unless at nursery all the time it fecking relentless. I remember begging for one cup of tea a day in peace not that it happened (3 under 4!) Teens do need you around but not all the time. My 3 are now teens. I predominantly work from home and am ignored but every now and then am needed. In fact often beg then to spend time with me!;Mine are quite low maintenance though and very independent so get themselves to their 8 million sporting activities, all cook once a week, etc so not needed practically a lot. They are very emotionally stable so not really needed for that either!

Teens do not need more parenting than toddlers, how ridiculous! Teens can feed themselves, toilet themselves, and be unsupervised in a room or even a house without hurting themselves.

I've never in my life heard of parents working full time with small kids then going part time for teenagers. It's a MN myth.

Baby and toddler years are by far the hardest, special needs notwithstanding.

Have you seen some of the teens? Shoplifting, knifes, causing havoc( a very real reality in my city)? Yes these teens need more parenting. I parent my teens which is why I have a good relationship with them and why they come to me for help and support and don't cause these problems. Lots of parents of teens think jobs over and let them do what they want when in reality teens is the age they need more parenting.

I'm not talking about the thugs in town. I'm talking about people's kids on here, with engaged parents.

My teen is at school all day and makes his own way home. What parenting could I possibly do before getting home and wacking some pasta on for him?

I disagree with many posters - my teenager doesn't need me so much. I'm about as wfh but she likes to do her own thing. Likewise my son who is at the end of primary is very self sufficient. It's obviously personality dependent but for us it's been no bad thing to not have a parent always on standby and ready to handle every situation as soon as it arises. That said, I am needed as a driver for more evening activities now!

Everyone’s experience is different. Every child is different.My 2 were dream babies and toddlers. The teen years for us haven’t been easy at all. They have needed a lot more emotional support.
Ive always worked full time and have found the teen years to be far more physically and emotionally draining than the baby/toddler years.

Of course everyone's different but in general, as kids get older we have more time for ourselves. That's why we take up hobbies, challenges etc.

My sil is struggling with her teen, emotional stuff and various crises but she remains in full time employment and has a busy social life. I can't envisage any scenario where she's have to reduce her hours to do more 'parenting'.

That's where we differ. I don't whack pasta on for my teens 🙄. We discuss the day while they help cook the tea and it's more than pasta. Then I help with revision if needed. They discuss any worries about school, applications for college, discuss relationships, tell me what's happening in their lives. Teens, even good ones like mine do need listening to and parenting. Just because you don't do it dosent mean it's not needed.

ODFOD

Pasta is a perfectly adequate tea. Maybe you give yours loads of Mars bars too as the ‘more’ bit? Or perhaps a starter and petite fors to follow?

The thing about teens is that they want to keep to themselves most of the time but when they need you they really DO need you and it’s usually at the most inconvenient time; either late at night just as you are going to sleep or as you are rushing out of the door. And when it goes wrong with them, the problems tend to be more potentially serious.

Also, they need a lot of good nutritious food when they are growing fast which takes time to buy and cook. And they need a lot of advice about future important decisions eg driving to university open days. And also general chauffeuring around late at night coming back from friends houses etc.

And of course early years 0 to 6 absolutely crucial.

I think you can still work and be there for these age groups but I personally couldn’t do consistent full time hours and parent those specific years how I wanted to, but it depends on individual dc, type of job, age of parents and their energy levels, how supportive your partner is and if you have extended family helping out.

Just because you don't do it dosent mean it's not needed.

Just because your teenager needs to talk through their school day every day and needs help with their revision, that doesn't mean all teenagers do. And what on earth is wrong with pasta?

I parent my teen and I also work full time. The two aren't mutually exclusive. My teen isn't needy at all.

In real life, no one that I know with teens works part time! It's a very mumsnet thing.

My teen knows I'm always there when he needs me, I also have my own life though and that involves career.

Although I guess I'm biased as I had a baby when I was 18, I can't imagine ever needing my mum to quit work to pander to my needs as a teen.

Have you seen some of the teens? Shoplifting, knifes, causing havoc( a very real reality in my city)? Yes these teens need more parenting. I parent my teens which is why I have a good relationship with them and why they come to me for help and support and don't cause these problems. Lots of parents of teens think jobs over and let them do what they want when in reality teens is the age they need more parenting.

Lots of parents of teens have done a good job raising them since they were babies, and are wise enough to recognise how much active parenting their own teenagers actually need. Newsflash - not all teenagers are the same. I am fairly hands-off with mine. Guess what - they are polite, intelligent, well-behaved, not inclined towards knife crime , and perfectly capable of doing their school work without me breathing down their necks. One is now at her first choice university, the other is in Y11, is predicted all 8s and 9s at GCSE and has never had a behaviour point or detention since Y7. Oh if only I'd parented them harder and fed them less pasta!

'show me the child at seven, and I will show you the man', they say. Early years are absolutely crucial to children developing into healthy, well rounded adults. Teens present a whole host of fresh worries but they don't generally need you to drop everything and run, like when DS was four and wouldn't stay in the theatre for the nursery panto trip because the crocodile was too scary.

Btw, I do put sauce on the pasta 😊

The first 1000 days are absolutely crucial in terms of brain development and one of the key tasks is to form secure attachments to a primary caregiver.

Good quality childcare can’t replace the primary caregiver though they can supplement/help. (And to be clear I work and used childcare).