MIL injured my dd and would not take her to hospital

[Almondmist]

This is eating me up inside as I can't talk about this with anyone else, please help me decide what to do. Last year I went to visit my in-laws with my dds, my dh didn't go due to work commitments. My in-laws are nice people but also small minded. They live abroad in a small town and I can have a basic conversation with them in thier language. One night Dd2 slept with me and dd1 (4) slept with my mil. I have always used a bed guard with my dds abroad and my in-laws know this very well. It's a stone floor. In the middle of the night, dd1 woke up and came to me because she had a bad dream. I comforted her and my mil took her back to bed. 1 hour later I heard a thud and dd1 screaming. I ran into the room to see dd1 on the floor, her chin split open dripping blood. She had not been put on the side of the bed where the bed guard was in place, but on the other side where my mil should have been sleeping. The cut was an inch wide. I panicked and told my fil to take us to the hospital while my ignorant mil got a wet tissue to dab at the wound. My fil didn't take us to the hospital but a tiny medical centre, which was a tiny room with a guy claiming he was a nurse. He put a plaster on and that's all. I only have a beginner level knowledge of the local language and I said she needs stitches but the guy said no need it's enough. My dd bled for around four days, I begged my in-laws to take her to a hospital but they would look a me with a blank stare like they didn't understand me. I called my dh on the phone to translate to them but my fil refused and took her again to the same medical centre who only changed the plaster. I said to please call a taxi and I would pay for it but they said there are no taxis in the area. There is a hospital 20 mins drive away. I felt so lost and helpless. I cried so much. Its healed but there is a noticible scar left which, given the size, will remain. I was never given an apology for what happened and was told 'its just thier mentality'.
This time when I visited my in-laws with my dh, my mil notice the scar and said my dd should have got stitches. I saw red in that moment and screamed why she didn't do anything at the time and take dd to the hospital like I had begged.
I know what happened wasn't intentional but it was neglect and I am expected to carry on like nothing happened. But I can't let it go, I never want to see my in-laws again or leave take my dds there to meet them, I never enjoyed going I only did it for my dh. Soon the yearly subject will come up of booking the plane tickets and i want to tell dh no this time. I get so much anxiety and stressed out at the thought of going back there. I'm civil with my inlaws but i hate them since that incident. What would you do in my situation?

I think your being unreasonable. It was an accidents. It wasn't on purpose. They are at fault for not following your wishes and taking DC to the hospital as requested. They should have done what you wanted as the parent. However, I don't know what the medical provision is like in their area. It imagine they took DC to where thet would have gone if the got injured. You could have taken your child by taxi to the hospital if you wanted. Personally, I wouldn't want to go to visit the inlaws without my H in a country where I don't speak the language so maybe insist he comes as well.

I have a scar on my chin. I had an operation as a small child. It's not very visible. My mum massaged the scar every day with a tiny bit of olive oil. It was very red and raised and now its a fine line. Its worth a try. If it still looks bad you could consider having it corrected in the future.

I called my dh on the phone to translate to them but my fil refused and took her again to the same medical centre who only changed the plaster.

And what did/does your husband think of all this Op?

Tbh that's the point at which my husband would have organised for me to leave & had a hard think about his parents attitude to his wife & kids.

It's a hard no you are not agreeing to the children going there, your first responsibility is to your children's welfare not your husband's or his relatives wishes

This is all very odd.

Your MIL didn't injure anyone - your 4yo fell out of bed as 4yo's are prone to do. It was an accident.

Your FIL then took you to get medical care in the middle of the night and you as the parent were unhappy but you still didn't find a way to get your injured child to the hospital over the next four days

I have to say I agree with the PP saying you feel guilty and are unfairly taking it on your MIL

You're the parent - it's your responsibility to get the appropriate medical treatment for your child, and if you're going to go somewhere where you don't speak the language then you need to take a guide book.

I don't understand why your daughter slept in her grandmother's bed if there aren't enough beds you should go to a hotel or Airbnb

My goodness this thread! I've been to lots of places where there isn't internet or taxis and in some cases where both aren't available.

The problem here is the the OP was in an emergency situation. Had she known that her PIL were going to ignore her clear wishes then presumably she wouldn't have taken the same decisions and that's why she's thinking again about the situation.

FWIW OP I wouldn't visit without your DH again, ever.

I've been abroad with in laws and been ill and I assumed they'd take me to a medical centre on request - they didn't and questioned my medical need. Sometimes there are very nasty realisations in these situations. If you don't have your own car / can't drive in a situation like that it is very difficult. In my case I forced the issue and it wasn't an emergency, thankfully, but it's very easy to end up in a much more isolated situation than you expect if the people who should help you don't.

They should have done as you asked, however they did take your DD to a medical centre. Nevertheless, I would NEVER visit again without your DH, you are far too isolated without him there to translatte and advocate for you with his parents. You know they don't listen to your opinion now or respect your parental authority.

The problem here is the OP was in an emergency situation.

It wasn't an emergency.

Between now and your next visit, download a language app, practice with your dh, and your next visit will be very different.

I think you freaked out. It looks very foreign down here. Northern Italians think of the south as backward. It gets a bit less cash spent on it. Its definitely not flash, but it's just as functional, and often better than the uk in many ways.

Either don't come alone, or equip yourself with enough language to feel safe, competent, and independent. Your kids will thank you for making the effort.

It's not hard to find an overbearing, narcissistic Nonna. I think the stereotype enables them. It's possible that your MIL was happy with what the guarda medica said, and that was the end of it for her. She might be lovely, but quite innocently, with ways you find infuriating.

I'd also drive, if you can. There is no way you could get from our house to a hospital without a car, at any time of the day. No busses, no taxis. Wed ring an ambulance if it was an emergency and the car wasn't available.

The guarda medica are out of hours doctors, you probably wouldn't have got a different response at the hospital. Its the same doctors! Honestly, you need to learn the language to build a relationship with your in laws.

It's a hard no that OP makes to decide they joint children don't get to see their grandparents!

A very hard no, I would divorce my DH if after the events detailed said I wasn't to take our children and I can assure you that the time the children were with me they would be visiting my parents,

I was expecting the back of beyond not Italy.

Didn’t your travel insurance have a helpline you could call to advise you?

If you are a frequent visitor to an area especially with young children I’d advise you to familiarise yourself with the medical system and location of facilities in advance of going. I’d also advise learning the language especially if you want your children to grow up speaking both languages.

Sorry if it was asked and I missed it but What did your husband say about all this?

You spoke to him and so will have explained what happened and the injury.
Presumably you sent photos of her face?

Only asking as initially i assumed this was a big injury but based on how the thread has developed I'm wondering if your perception of it is more catastrophic/traumatic than the reality.
Being isolated / alone/ feeling out of control etc. can be really distressing and it sounds like there is more going on with the in laws

Why are you only capable of holding a basic conversation when it’s been at least 5 years and Italian is one of the easiest languages? You need to put some work into learning it for your DDs’ sake.

If she’d needed stitches they would have done it or said so at the medical centre.

You screamed at mil a year later? Maybe she was agreeing that the 'nurse' didn't do enough. Maybe she felt guilty. I wouldn't want you in the house overreacting like that, your dh must have been really embarrassed. Must have been a lovely visit for all involved.

And two of my dds had 'dripping blood' chin injuries and only had steri-strips. Is it normal to have stitches?

You know the responsibility for your daughter falls on your shoulders which is why you remain so angry about this. You were with her and you should have got her to hospital if that was what was required.

Southern Italy is hardly the Congo and you found out that a hospital was only 20 minutes away.

If this is really eating you up then get some counselling to get over the problem,

I don't think you should be simply blaming your inlaws or your dh. You need to accept the fact that you are the mother, you were with her and you could have done more.

Put this behind you and be thankful that it was just a minor accident. How would you have behaved if it had been more serious?

@Almondmist
if the scar is very noticeable and badly healed ie. The edges of the wound are not well approximated then you can have scar revision done for a better aesthetic. Especially as your child is a girl and more likely to be bothered by it in future. Ask your gp to refer you to plastics at your local hospital.
unfortunately healthcare abroad is not of the same standard as home. Even in Europe. I needed emergency trauma surgery abroad in Spain but they didn’t recognise severity and current treatment and merely casted the limb which needed replacement joints and massive tendon and ligament repairs surgically. I had to go to ED as soon as plane landed.

Healthcare in Italy is far superior to the UK, have you used NHS services recently?

Headlines today key NHS targets missed for seven years.

MIL injured my dd and would not take her to hospital

From what you have said it is:

My DD had an accident, I thought it was important to go to a hospital, PIL didn't. I didn't do anything about it for 4 days.

Not if they can avoid it - kids heal fast and if the wound can be held together without stiches they will.

my son’s chin injury was a long flap, the muscle came right off and I know I don’t want to see the inside of my kids face again. The plastic surgeon was amazing, and what he predicted is exactly what happened - in time the scar faded and moved down off his chin.

We are very lucky to have the NHS but I wouldn’t assume they’d stitch kids if they can avoid it. it hurts, increases infection risk and often needs an anesthetic

I wouldn't call 30 minutes from a hospital rural, at least not the kind of rural thats isolated. Rural isolation here means you're a 4 hour flight via light plane from emergency help. There aren't land lines, phone and internet require satellite, long range radio is the only other form or communication.

Given what a few people have said on here regarding medical treatment for facial wounds it sounds like the treatment given could well have been the correct treatment. I can't speak for Italy, but where i am if the treating doctor or nurse thought the injury required a higher level of care they would have said that the child needed to go to hospital. MILs remark was certainly not a kind one and FIL should have taken OP and her DD to hospital as she is the parent and its not their place to make those decisions. But maybe no one has to beat themselves up over this one as OPs daughter got the same level of care as other children wirh similar injuries.

You were taken to the health centre, you were unhappy with the situation/result/attitude. In the morning in bright sunlight you could have implemented actions to take your child to a hospital. You didn´t. Even paying a neigbour/shopkeeper/anyone to take you to the hospital! Google translate is your friend. It´s Italy, not Afghanistan.
My grandpa was a royal marine, his favourite saying was "use your effing initiative!".
You feel guilty and also angry at your husband, but you are transferring to your mother in law. She didn´t injure the child, I though you were going to say she manhandled her, and it is nothing of the sort!
What is done is done, the scar will fade in time and if not happy take her to a consultant re plastic surgery if needed.

unfortunately healthcare abroad is not of the same standard as home.

No it is much better, especially Italy!
What an utterly xenophobic post about those Johnny-foreigner clinicians!

This is a generalisation. I am an Italian who lives jn England and in many aspects Italian healthcare is better (not all but many). You have rose tinted views of the NHS.

Your DD had an accident, she wasn’t injured by mil unless you’re saying she deliberately pushed her out of bed!
You’re the parent and it sounds like you panicked and didn’t handle the situation very well. Understandable in the middle of the night but why couldn’t your DH call a taxi for you the next day from the UK?
I think you should apologise to mil.

I definitely wouldn’t stay there again and be very cautions about how much direct contact mil has with your kids. I know accidents happen however she was negligent and totally in the wrong.

In terms of getting medical care, you clearly speak English and many people all over the world also speak it too, even if it’s a basic amount. I don’t really understand why you couldn’t get to the hospital. They do sound very controlling though and this wasn’t their decision to make.

All seems very hysterical to me.

Title is misleading. MIL didn’t ‘injure’ your child. Child had an accident.

She also received medical attention fairly promptly.

OP you seem a bit helpless, for want of a better word.