MIL injured my dd and would not take her to hospital

[Almondmist]

This is eating me up inside as I can't talk about this with anyone else, please help me decide what to do. Last year I went to visit my in-laws with my dds, my dh didn't go due to work commitments. My in-laws are nice people but also small minded. They live abroad in a small town and I can have a basic conversation with them in thier language. One night Dd2 slept with me and dd1 (4) slept with my mil. I have always used a bed guard with my dds abroad and my in-laws know this very well. It's a stone floor. In the middle of the night, dd1 woke up and came to me because she had a bad dream. I comforted her and my mil took her back to bed. 1 hour later I heard a thud and dd1 screaming. I ran into the room to see dd1 on the floor, her chin split open dripping blood. She had not been put on the side of the bed where the bed guard was in place, but on the other side where my mil should have been sleeping. The cut was an inch wide. I panicked and told my fil to take us to the hospital while my ignorant mil got a wet tissue to dab at the wound. My fil didn't take us to the hospital but a tiny medical centre, which was a tiny room with a guy claiming he was a nurse. He put a plaster on and that's all. I only have a beginner level knowledge of the local language and I said she needs stitches but the guy said no need it's enough. My dd bled for around four days, I begged my in-laws to take her to a hospital but they would look a me with a blank stare like they didn't understand me. I called my dh on the phone to translate to them but my fil refused and took her again to the same medical centre who only changed the plaster. I said to please call a taxi and I would pay for it but they said there are no taxis in the area. There is a hospital 20 mins drive away. I felt so lost and helpless. I cried so much. Its healed but there is a noticible scar left which, given the size, will remain. I was never given an apology for what happened and was told 'its just thier mentality'.
This time when I visited my in-laws with my dh, my mil notice the scar and said my dd should have got stitches. I saw red in that moment and screamed why she didn't do anything at the time and take dd to the hospital like I had begged.
I know what happened wasn't intentional but it was neglect and I am expected to carry on like nothing happened. But I can't let it go, I never want to see my in-laws again or leave take my dds there to meet them, I never enjoyed going I only did it for my dh. Soon the yearly subject will come up of booking the plane tickets and i want to tell dh no this time. I get so much anxiety and stressed out at the thought of going back there. I'm civil with my inlaws but i hate them since that incident. What would you do in my situation?

Surely your DH would have told you the hologram was only 20 minutes away? Didn't you have a smart phone with maps? Disney you notice where you were going from the airport?

I'm sorry but this is ALL of your fault for your daughter being injured and ultimately it's your fault for not getting her to the hospital. I've been in a very similar situation with one of my Dc, injured in a country where we didn't speak the language, while staying in a villa in the countryside. But I took him to the hospital and he got 8 stitches in his foot despite me never having been to that country before and not speaking a single word of the language. And this was 9 years ago!

When it comes to the safety of my children I'm certainly not "tied by politeness" . I do whatever I can to ensure their safety and make sure they get the medical treatment they need regardless of "manners"

Agreed IP shouldn't go, she hates her ILs. But her DH should go and take the children regularly.

What a joy for the DCs to visit rural southern Italy, the different culture, learn to speak Italian so they can chat with grandparents, it's a beautiful place and they're lucky they can visit.

Surely the medical centre would have said if they didn't have the provision to help and would recommend you should take your DD to a hospital ?

It was a horrible situation for you both and I would also feel very upset. But I suppose your Mil and Fil trusted the local medical centre to provide the right treatment or advice. You probably could have communicated your concerns to the staff with Google translate. But it's in the past now. Just to add, both of my children have had accidents where stitches were required and provided by the NHS. They both have scars though, but they are older and bigger now and the scars aren't really noticeable unless you are looking for them.

Is it possible that a lot of your anger is in fact at yourself for being in a position where you weren’t in control?

Airport transfers are a separate business to local taxis. For example, our nearest airport is in Bari, three hours away. Are you suggesting the op called a taxi for a six hour round trip? Besides, airport transfer taxis will not do non aiport runs. They're a completely different business, and can't be just called up in that way. Airport transfers are prebooked, have different insurance, and licensing.

Quite. Italy is a modern country with professional and regulated set of qualifications for Doctors, Nurses and other HCPs. If the local walk in centre staff tells you they are a nurse then why do you disbelieve them?

The fact that the local walk in centre wasn't big and glitzy enough for you is your problem - you were taking a minor injury not a potential stroke. It was the logical place for quick treatment of a minor injury.

Having had a season ticket to A&E when my DC were small, and happening to live near a hospital with a world leading plastics unit, I recall how reluctant the plastics people were to stitch the faces of young children. It can result in worse scarring as adults if injuries are borderline. The little plaster things were the norm at that age and long term effective.

If you don't like your in laws, work on better Italian and stay in an AirBnB where you have total control. Make sure you keep numbers for local healthcare and transport when you go but don't be at all surprised if when the local walk in centre says "no stitches" a trip to the hospital produces the same answer after a longer wait.

The guarda medica are fantastic. No queues, no appointments, open in the evening, and staffed well enough to be able to take time, and be thorough.

I don’t think your in laws did the right thing here, but also yes, I agree you could/should have gotten her to hospital instead. Though yes, they should also have facilitated that.

How do you know the person at the medical centre only claimed to be a nurse? Is that just an assumption? Based on what? My daughter suffered what sounds like a near identical injury on her chin when falling over and landing on a doorstep. We did take her to hospital and we were told that at that age stitches or glue would make the scar worse and was also more prone to infection.

The scar looked pretty awful for a long time, but now is essentially unnoticeable.

If this post does nothing else, let it be a lesson to never travel overseas (particularly in Europe) without a European Health Insurance Card (EHIC) though I'm not sure the UK is eligible to apply for these since leaving the EU, but I am open to being educated on that.
Also, don't leave home without taking out travel insurance and health insurance if you're going on holidays.

I wouldn’t go without your oh again, but would go as long as he did. Yes they did wrong but I don’t think it was intentional. They just thought you were overreacting over a cut. The fact their ‘nurse’ just put a plaster on was probably enough for them to believe that’s all that was needed.
If they are lovely and love you all then I wouldn’t cut them out for this. Do you feel safe with your oh there? The other alternative is oh taking the kids without you and surely that’s worse?

EHIC scheme does not apply to the UK any more. And yes, of course everyone should have travel insurance. That was not the issue here though, the OP doesn't mention anything about how the medical care was paid for.

I am suggesting that I don't buy this idea that there are "no taxis" to take her to the hospital but there suddenly are taxis to take her to the airport. That makes no sense at all. She said the hospital was 30 mins away so it cant be "that" rural if a major hospital is half an hour away by car. How did she get to the medical centre? why couldn't she have got a taxi from the medical centre (on the second visit) to the hospital if she was so concerned? why does she think the nurse at the medical centre was "claiming" to be a medic? does she think he was actually a cleaner pretending to be a nurse? If she was so concerned about scarring, then why didnt she take her daughter to a doctor as soon as she returned to the UK? - she wasn't visiting for 6 months so she could have easily done this when she got back.

As I said, so many holes in this story that don't add up.

Yes but she could have gone to the hospital the following day — she kept asking her PIL to do so.

Even then a quick google pulls up the General Timbuktu hospital in seconds (along with some pretty shocking reviews).

Honestly, they're are precious few places in the world where Google can't show you your nearest hospital very quickly. Getting there might be a bit more tricky, but the OP didn't even bother pulling up google maps and typing in 'hospital' for 4 days!

Though perhaps the right treatment was given?

EHICs are valid until they expire. They have been replaced by GHIC.

https://www.nhs.uk/using-the-nhs/healthcare-abroad/apply-for-a-free-uk-global-health-insurance-card-ghic/

There’s now a thing called a GHIC. Does exactly the same thing, and also free.

I think it's your lack of being j in control of the situation which is like a trauma for you. The likelihood is that it would have scarred anyway. DS2 had an accident in preschool, small but deep cut (a child whacked his cheekbone with a toy) and he went to hospital, but it still scarred. DD tore her chin on a rosebush (when with my Dad) and that scarred too. They are 15 now and both like their scars. I would not make this into something bigger or deeper than it needs to be. A close family with loving grandparents is worth so much more.

I’ve got two pretty big scars on my face from various childhood injuries (I was taken to hospital but they botched both of them for one reason or another!) I’ve lived to tell the tale.

I don’t love them, but I have had them so long that I don’t really notice them. They often lead to conversations and first date stories! Don’t worry she won’t hold it against you or granny

The child was taken to the right place. As I said earlier, my own daughter had a similar inch long deep cut to her chin, and was treated at my local medical centre with steri strips.

Italy has these excellent local centres where her DD received the same care.

I can only assume that it was panic, lack of the language and being out of her usual country that has led OP to be so
suspicious of the care. But seriously, doubting that the nurse was really a nurse? Italy is a modern European country with good healthcare. A healthcare system that her in-laws know their way around.

@Almondmist you've had a tough time here, not all of which you deserve. But seriously, it sounds as though your DD had appropriate treatment, and like my daughter's, the scar will disappear. Forgive yourself and forgive your PILs.

The lack of control is horrendus. I know. My mother in europe got in a strop on the day and then accused me of hurting my daughter when her arm was limp. She wouldn't even take us to a medical centre. She ignored me. I had to call my dad home from work.

My daughter also split her head open. The wound was grey so it was deep. We spend 6 hours in A&E. It was a waste of time. We got home and she ripped the glue out. The scar is hardly noticeable and if it happens again - I'll stick a plaster on it.

I sympathise with you. Ignore the ignorents on here. Its a very vulnerable place to be when caring for children in a foreign country when you don't speak the language and especially when our parents won't help.

OP it sounds like you're being a total drama llama tbh. You describe your MIL as injuring your dd. She didn't, you were all awkwardly crammed into single beds and she fell out. Unfortunate but only a minor fault if any at all of your MIL.

It sounds like the medical centre was the equivalent to a minor injuries unit here. I'd expect that the same medical treatment was offered to her as it would have been in ED and even stitches used if appropriate. It could be that the nearest true ED is absolutely miles away and generally only used for serious trauma/illness in such a rural area. It could also be that whatever word you were saying to mean hospital they were interpretting as the medical centre she was taken twice to. This may explain why your PIL perhaps didn't quite know what you wanted. Even if her head was bleeding slightly doesn't mean she needed stitches.

I'm a doctor and don't see much wrong with how MIL initially managed the wound. Your priority is to apply pressure to the wound to minimise bleeding and keep it as clean as possible. You're being really harsh on her tbh.

Tbh if she'd been bleeding significantly I think you'd be describing it much more dramatically than you have. A little bleeding into a dressing is fine. It's no easy thing suturing such a small child. It would have been distressing and painful for her and likely led to worse scarring

I can see why the situation was scary and frustrating for you but as pp have said take some responsibility. The buck stops with you ITO your child's health and safety. If you'd been that desperate for 4 whole days then you should have found a way to get her to a hospital. At the very least could you have called your husband and communicated how worried you are and asked him to act as more of an interpretor and help you

Do what you need to. Go no/low contact with PIL if it makes you feel better but you're a parent. It's your responsibility to be a bit less precious and ensure that from now on wherever you are in the world you know how to advocate for your child and stay calm in a crisis. It doesn't actually sound like any major harm was done so the most healthy thing you can do is probably just to let it go. Your anxieties will rub off on your children and that could be far more damaging than a small cut

Your in-laws weren’t neglectful. Accidents happen. They took you to minor injuries twice. Presumably that is usual practice for this type of thing. If my DS had cut his chin, I would take to minor injuries here in the uk, not A&E. Pretty sure it is normal to do that here too. I cut my chin age 2 and had stitches. I still have a scar. It was stitched by a GP who was on call. We met him at the surgery and he didn’t use any anaesthetic. Gotta love the 70s! These things happen.

You sound very nasty about your MIL and the medical centre. So what if the room was small. Why doubt that he was a nurse? Your MIL comment about it should have been stitched likely means she thinks the nurse should have done it. I am sure she feel terrible regardless of how it comes across.

You could have got your husband to look up hospitals/transport and generally help with communication but even if you went to the hospital the outcome might have been the same, I suspect your in laws just felt that hospital was not the right setting. The travel insurance company would also have helped you if you had any.

i think you need to move on from this. If you cannot deal with the practicalities of being in rural italy then don’t go without your husband.

I don’t think you should deprive your children of some lovely memories of visiting rural italy and you can’t stop your husband taking them in any event.

Invest in some blow up beds for the children or stay in a hotel. Learn more of the language. Hire a car. Make a plan for any future emergencies. take out travel insurance.