MIL injured my dd and would not take her to hospital

[Almondmist]

This is eating me up inside as I can't talk about this with anyone else, please help me decide what to do. Last year I went to visit my in-laws with my dds, my dh didn't go due to work commitments. My in-laws are nice people but also small minded. They live abroad in a small town and I can have a basic conversation with them in thier language. One night Dd2 slept with me and dd1 (4) slept with my mil. I have always used a bed guard with my dds abroad and my in-laws know this very well. It's a stone floor. In the middle of the night, dd1 woke up and came to me because she had a bad dream. I comforted her and my mil took her back to bed. 1 hour later I heard a thud and dd1 screaming. I ran into the room to see dd1 on the floor, her chin split open dripping blood. She had not been put on the side of the bed where the bed guard was in place, but on the other side where my mil should have been sleeping. The cut was an inch wide. I panicked and told my fil to take us to the hospital while my ignorant mil got a wet tissue to dab at the wound. My fil didn't take us to the hospital but a tiny medical centre, which was a tiny room with a guy claiming he was a nurse. He put a plaster on and that's all. I only have a beginner level knowledge of the local language and I said she needs stitches but the guy said no need it's enough. My dd bled for around four days, I begged my in-laws to take her to a hospital but they would look a me with a blank stare like they didn't understand me. I called my dh on the phone to translate to them but my fil refused and took her again to the same medical centre who only changed the plaster. I said to please call a taxi and I would pay for it but they said there are no taxis in the area. There is a hospital 20 mins drive away. I felt so lost and helpless. I cried so much. Its healed but there is a noticible scar left which, given the size, will remain. I was never given an apology for what happened and was told 'its just thier mentality'.
This time when I visited my in-laws with my dh, my mil notice the scar and said my dd should have got stitches. I saw red in that moment and screamed why she didn't do anything at the time and take dd to the hospital like I had begged.
I know what happened wasn't intentional but it was neglect and I am expected to carry on like nothing happened. But I can't let it go, I never want to see my in-laws again or leave take my dds there to meet them, I never enjoyed going I only did it for my dh. Soon the yearly subject will come up of booking the plane tickets and i want to tell dh no this time. I get so much anxiety and stressed out at the thought of going back there. I'm civil with my inlaws but i hate them since that incident. What would you do in my situation?

He didn't learn English so he could speak to his in laws once a year. He lives in the UK.

I mean that in this case it is not a point. But absolutely anyone should learn a bit of the language spoken by their in-laws, if they cannot already. Nothing to do with what their sex is.

My husband is learning and I expected him to, so…🤷🏻‍♀️

Maybe if you had stayed calm and insisted, things might have worked out differently. However, it is only a cut on her chin. Children's scars often fade to nothing over the years. One of mine fell and slid down a rock once - its wasn't serious / deep, but she had a long wide scar on her chest for a while - there was no sign of it at all a few years later.

My other child cut her chin open on holiday - she did have stitches, as it happened, but it is nearly impossible to see that scar now she is grown up. No one who didn't know about it would notice. She also fell out of a bed onto a stone floor one holiday - it happens. We observed her for signs of concussion and put duvets and cushions beside the bed for the rest of the holiday.

I'd say you need to let this go. You were there and could have taken control. Plus accidents happen and we can't always anticipate them. I'm sure your MIL didn't want your dd to be injured. She didn't expect her to fall out of bed, anymore than we did our child- who was about the same age as your dd at the time.

Children will inevitably get scars etc - it will be fine. Even if it's still visible in years to come, they fade a lot over the years.

She has learned some Italian though. Anyway, it works both ways and I don't see anyone saying the in laws should learn to speak English so they can communicate with their daughter in law.

To me, Italy was the best place to get urgent treatment, although this was in a popular tourist area. My child tripped over a step on the pavement and cut herself. We went to a pharmacy, who told us to go to the local hospital. She was seen immediately and stitched up. We were back getting on with our day within 40 minutes. I appreciate, though, that circumstances were different to OPs.

My DH speaks my language fluently. We now live in a third country and we're all learning that language too.

@coffeeaddict77 it would be far more valuable further OP and DC to learn Italian, then she would be begging and crying for four days over a cut chin. She could've sorted herself out....

Your DDs injury was probably worse than the Ops DDs.

I cannot believe that two medical people, whither they be doctors or nurses both concluded that a plaster was all that was necessary if it genuinely needed stitches.

@coffeeaddict77 why do you think it would take up all someone's feee time to learn a language? Do you find it difficult to learn?

Yes, thanks for the utterly pedantic correction, Soupdragon, it's not like anyone didn't understand my point.

I don't find learning per se difficult (have a degree, PhD and professional qualifications) but I find it very difficult to learn languages. They were by far my weakest subject at school but a lot of people were worse. I think it would be very time consuming for many adults to become fluent in another language and if very busy in other ways not likely to be a priority just to communicate with in laws once a year.

I don't think being fluent in Italian would have made a difference as the in laws took her child to the appropriate place anyway plus her DH had translated so communication wasn't the issue. Also, OP doesn't want to visit in the future anyway and is unlikely to do so without her DH.
I'm sure the DC will learn Italian (but that is her DH's job to teach them not OP).

She has learned some basic Italian. She says that she can have a basic conversation in their language. Notably they haven't learned English.

One thing to remember, learning in school inc written stuff and exams is not the same as learning to converse in an everyday manner.

Op has 2 children who are presumably learning both English & Italian. And a husband.
There are also apps like Duolingo that will teach you in 10mins a day.

But ultimately this isn't about language. Or the accident.
Its about Ops lack of confidence in the people who she saw.
They seem to have gone to some sort of minor injuries twice and both times they concluded a plaster was fine. If they thought it needed stitched they'd have done it or referred them to hospital.

IME is it no easier to learn a language now than it was when I was at school. I appreciate that OP's children are probably learning Italian and her DH speaks it but that doesn't mean it will be easy to be fluent either. Children learn very differently to adults. DH's native language is not English and we have two (now adult) children so I have personal experience of how time consuming learning a second language is and how it is not necessarily that useful or worthwhile if it is just to communicate with in laws (I do obviously understand when DH speaks to the children in his language but that is very different to actually speaking it fluently).

@coffeeaddict77 she wasn't able to call a taxi or find out where the hospital was. I'd call that a pretty low level of comprehension of the language.

I think you will be very disappointed if you think every man you have a relationship with is going to spend all their free time learning to speak your native language so he can talk to your parents.

My parents speak English so it's not an issue. But if they didn't, I would absolutely expect any partner who was serious enough about me to marry me and have children with me to make an effort with my parents, yes.

That's not some huge unobtainable bar either - I'm sorry that you think it is.

I would of found someway to take dd to the hospital if you thought was necessary

Is it very expensive to go to hospital but cheap to go to a health care centre? My sister in law is Thai and lives with my brother in Thailand, and after some months of visiting a health centre for endometrial pain at £20 a visit told my brother about it (she might've been worried fertility issues would strain the relationship) who pointed out she had free comprehensive private medical care as covered by his policy via work. Turned out she had a twisted ovary and had to have hysterectomy, must've been in agony. Bro loves her, kids or not, luckily :)

This!! What if it had been a kitchen accident or burn? The facilities are inadequate. They are really irresponsible and unco-operative and the MIL's comment showed their lack of responsibility.

What were DH thoughts at the time? How would he organise it if a similar accident cropped up? Would he prioritise health insurance with no excess? and have an EHIC card?

If you did end up going, google the health/ transport facilities in advance and consider a hire car, so that you are better informed.

It might be possible to improve the scar. One of my friends had a bad cut from a childhood scar and was able to get it improved. Also had advice on using oils/massage to improve the skin quality and stop it puckering. Perhaps you could ask GP on next visit what their opinion is and how it could be improved?

OP has made an effort. She speaks enough Italian to have a basic conversation with her in laws. Obviously she is not fluent but I doubt anyone would be just to have more of a conversation with in laws they only see once a year unless they really enjoyed and were good at languages.

As you would expect any partner who was serious enough to marry you to learn your parent's language I presume you would expect your parents to learn to speak your partners language fluently too?

I agree - but I can never understand why people don't take a mini First Aid kit away with them. It doesn't take much to make up a kit with plasters, some larger dressings, medi wipes, steri strips, small bandage, tweezers, antiseptic cream and some Calpol/paracetamol.

She said there were no taxis in the area.

It was a horrible situation to be in.

I would talk to your GP. Maybe bring in photos of your DDs chin (just so she doesn't get a 'complex' about the scar and the situation) and see if private plastic surgery later on is an option.

It sounds like your DH has not been supportive at all - you barely mention him.
It's him you need to get angry with.

Why did DH not just ring a taxi himself for you to go to the hospital?
He's lived there, he knows where the hospital is.

Why did he just go 'ok Dad whatever you say'.

I think might be angry with DH for not being there to take care of you, but you won't say it because you are protecting him.

Your real issue is that you were helpless in a country you didn't know, and you don't trust that your children are safe there if you cannot get them the care they need in a medical crisis. And that's understandable.

Next time, don't go without DH.