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Original poster

MIL injured my dd and would not take her to hospital

364 replies

Almondmist · 10/01/2024 22:44

This is eating me up inside as I can't talk about this with anyone else, please help me decide what to do. Last year I went to visit my in-laws with my dds, my dh didn't go due to work commitments. My in-laws are nice people but also small minded. They live abroad in a small town and I can have a basic conversation with them in thier language. One night Dd2 slept with me and dd1 (4) slept with my mil. I have always used a bed guard with my dds abroad and my in-laws know this very well. It's a stone floor. In the middle of the night, dd1 woke up and came to me because she had a bad dream. I comforted her and my mil took her back to bed. 1 hour later I heard a thud and dd1 screaming. I ran into the room to see dd1 on the floor, her chin split open dripping blood. She had not been put on the side of the bed where the bed guard was in place, but on the other side where my mil should have been sleeping. The cut was an inch wide. I panicked and told my fil to take us to the hospital while my ignorant mil got a wet tissue to dab at the wound. My fil didn't take us to the hospital but a tiny medical centre, which was a tiny room with a guy claiming he was a nurse. He put a plaster on and that's all. I only have a beginner level knowledge of the local language and I said she needs stitches but the guy said no need it's enough. My dd bled for around four days, I begged my in-laws to take her to a hospital but they would look a me with a blank stare like they didn't understand me. I called my dh on the phone to translate to them but my fil refused and took her again to the same medical centre who only changed the plaster. I said to please call a taxi and I would pay for it but they said there are no taxis in the area. There is a hospital 20 mins drive away. I felt so lost and helpless. I cried so much. Its healed but there is a noticible scar left which, given the size, will remain. I was never given an apology for what happened and was told 'its just thier mentality'.
This time when I visited my in-laws with my dh, my mil notice the scar and said my dd should have got stitches. I saw red in that moment and screamed why she didn't do anything at the time and take dd to the hospital like I had begged.
I know what happened wasn't intentional but it was neglect and I am expected to carry on like nothing happened. But I can't let it go, I never want to see my in-laws again or leave take my dds there to meet them, I never enjoyed going I only did it for my dh. Soon the yearly subject will come up of booking the plane tickets and i want to tell dh no this time. I get so much anxiety and stressed out at the thought of going back there. I'm civil with my inlaws but i hate them since that incident. What would you do in my situation?

OP posts:
Ohnoooooooo · 11/01/2024 11:09

OP understandably you are upset by the feeling of helplessness and your daughter having a scar. It's great you are receptive to the idea that even if you went to a hospital they may still not have stitched or glued it. We also live in the Uk and I do anything I can to avoid going to A&E with my children's injuries including showing up at minor injury units, paying private GPs etc.
I think as you said if in the UK you would have gone to a hospital so in your panic you were thinking that was the right thing to do.
I would give his parents another chance - the fall was an accident - and they did take her to the medical unit twice.

catelynjane · 11/01/2024 11:10

Op literally said in her op why this was a problem.

I'm sure she'd have managed if it was a genuine emergency. As it is she did nothing for four days, so it can't have been that bad.

Verbena17 · 11/01/2024 11:15

Can you drive @Almondmist
If yes, hire a car at the airport and so if anything else happens, take the kids to hospital yourself.
If you don’t want to hire a car, ask that your FIL to put you on their insurance so you can drive if you need to….although I wouldn’t guarantee him doing that!

Or just dont go. In the mean time, maybe try learning more Italian as well for basic first aid things/booking taxi etc.

Instead of staying with them, stay in a hotel in the nearest big town with good services. Then you can drive over to see in-laws in the day or meet up in the town. You’re the girls’ mother - be assertive and in charge of what you do. Don’t let them control you.

Also, if you go alone with the girls, instead of putting one in with your Mil (not sure where your FIL was sleeping), have both girls in with you - camp bed on floor/one in your bed or both etc.

I know it was an upsetting time but there are multiple things you can do to become more assertive. You’re an adult and the mother of 2 children who can be strong and advocate for them.

What would you have done if say you were on holiday alone with the girls in that same area - you would have managed if your in laws hadn’t have been there. Take a first aid kit with you on holiday - including steri strips for pulling wounds together.

I’m not trying to sound harsh - just that good planning in ANY situation is better than no planning.
Obviously you wouldnt have known your in-laws would be so laid back/unhelpful about it all and you couldn’t have foreseen that, but always plan everything is my motto.

Goodlard · 11/01/2024 11:15

saraclara · 11/01/2024 11:09

On a slight tangent, I recommend taking steri strips in holiday first aid kits. They're not difficult to apply (though read up on how to do it) and can be helpful as, at the very least, a temporary measure. I always have them in my first aid kit.

I'm travelling soon, this sounds a very good idea! Can you just pick them up from a chemist?

Maddy70 · 11/01/2024 11:18

Almondmist · 11/01/2024 10:55

Good morning all, I'm still here, just trying to catch up with all the replies, I'm surprised and appreciative of how much attention this thread has received. The title of the thread is misleading I realise, it was an accident not intentional. Also about dd bleeding for 4 days I should mention it was not profusely, the blood was soaking slowly through the plaster and going on her top (a few drops). There were no steri strips applied, just the plaster which was changed. I don't know if going to hospital would have made a difference, it's just what I would do here in the UK. I definitely have my fair share of blame in all this, I am angry at myself too. I was made to feel like a crazy person for veggin to go to the hospital, they all looked at me confused as to why I wanted to go. Maybe this is the norm for how small injuries are treated there. I started to question myself if I was overreacting to thr situation and dd had been given the appropriate treatment. I should have been better prepared of emergency numbers and where the nearest hospital was before I visited.

Im in spain not Italy but here we would go to the local health centre for something minor like that not the hospital the systems aren't the same as the uk. I think your ils did the right thing it sounds like they were seen by a medical professional and stitches were not needed. Stitiches can often lead to more serious scarring.

They didnt do anything wrong

LegoDeathTrap · 11/01/2024 11:22

FFS, it’s Italy, a Western European country, not rural Afganistan. Most people will speak English, the hospital staff definitely. The fact you “couldn’t” get a taxi to a hospital 20 min away in 4 days - what the fuck. How do you cope with life??

Emotionalsupportviper · 11/01/2024 11:24

Gingernaut · 10/01/2024 22:50

What was stopping you from getting your injured DD to a hospital?

With that in mind, if something like that happened again, how would you cope if you had to rely on the ILs?

If the place is so backwards, that there is inadequate healthcare, I wouldn't go again

20 minutes by car.

No taxi service.

In-laws wouldn't drive OP there.

She was trapped. It's in the opening post.

coffeeaddict77 · 11/01/2024 11:32

If I cut my face here I would go to a minor injury clinic so I think what your in laws did was okay. The person at the clinic they went to should have been able to treat it, so it is the clinic's fault rather than your in laws.

From experience health care in Southern Italy is not always great. I visited a hospital after an accident and it was filthy. Far below standards here and many of the staff couldn't speak English either.

coffeeaddict77 · 11/01/2024 11:34

LegoDeathTrap · 11/01/2024 11:22

FFS, it’s Italy, a Western European country, not rural Afganistan. Most people will speak English, the hospital staff definitely. The fact you “couldn’t” get a taxi to a hospital 20 min away in 4 days - what the fuck. How do you cope with life??

Wrong. The doctors will speak English but many of the other staff including nurses will not in Southern Italy.

catelynjane · 11/01/2024 11:38

@Emotionalsupportviper if she genuinely felt she was trapped then isn't it a lesson learned about not making herself vulnerable in a foreign country?

Evanesy · 11/01/2024 11:42

Emotionalsupportviper · 11/01/2024 11:24

20 minutes by car.

No taxi service.

In-laws wouldn't drive OP there.

She was trapped. It's in the opening post.

Show quote history

She could have found a way if she wanted to. Going to a medical centre for a small injury is very normal, and if OP thought she needed more assistance, it was on her to take her child to a hospital and she didn’t.

It’s easy to blame her in laws but she is very much culpable in this too. What would she have done in an actual emergency and no one has at home - just stay put for several days?

Andthereyougo · 11/01/2024 11:57

Edited. Just seen Italy. All emergency assistance stated online and they’ll usually find someone who speaks English. If not Google translate.

Sodndashitall · 11/01/2024 12:07

coffeeaddict77 · 11/01/2024 11:32

If I cut my face here I would go to a minor injury clinic so I think what your in laws did was okay. The person at the clinic they went to should have been able to treat it, so it is the clinic's fault rather than your in laws.

From experience health care in Southern Italy is not always great. I visited a hospital after an accident and it was filthy. Far below standards here and many of the staff couldn't speak English either.

Why on earth would you expect them to speak English !!

coffeeaddict77 · 11/01/2024 12:12

Sodndashitall · 11/01/2024 12:07

Why on earth would you expect them to speak English !!

Show quote history

I didn't say they should. I am just countering some other posters point that they would and that it therefore would be easy for OP to access treatment.

user1492757084 · 11/01/2024 12:13

Your PIL were negligent though they probably care deeply for your daughter. They are also old and are set in their ways and know what they can afford of have available for them selves re medical assistance. You were also there.
Definitely you should have got your daughter to medical care. The next morning could have been an okay time.
One of my kids split their chin open but the hospital glued it and also stuck a steri-strip on and we were asked to keep it dry.
It did scar but less than if it had had stitches and it faded almost away..
Hopefully your daughter's scar will fade.
For medical attention on every holiday you should have a plan. Medical insurance and emergency numbers.
I am lazy and always book with a travel agent who gives me lists and checks these things.

Emotionalsupportviper · 11/01/2024 12:14

catelynjane · 11/01/2024 11:38

@Emotionalsupportviper if she genuinely felt she was trapped then isn't it a lesson learned about not making herself vulnerable in a foreign country?

A lesson she is taking on board.

But at that time she was helpless. She can't go back in time to re-do the situation.

thedementedelf · 11/01/2024 12:16

If it makes you feel any better op I did the same thing when I was 4 and it got stitched. I've still got a big scar. So I don't think stitches would have made any difference.

Muchof · 11/01/2024 12:29

Greydogs123 · 10/01/2024 22:54

It literally explains in the op why she couldn’t get her dd to hospital!
OP in your shoes I would not visit, leave it all up to your Dh to organise. You probably can’t stop him taking your dd if he wants to, but you can make it clear that he must be very vigilant with her care and not leave alone with in laws.

Not in a way that makes sense. How can an adult not get themselves to a hospital, for four days and still couldn't work it out? I cannot fathom that, I have managed to successfully get myself treatment in China when I was injured and travelling alone. Yes I think the in-laws should have helped, but in the absence of that help, OP should have sorted this herself one way or another. It may or may not have prevented scarring anyway.

As to the next trip, no I wouldn't visit the in-laws without DH.

Outthedoor24 · 11/01/2024 12:45

user1492757084 · 11/01/2024 12:13

Your PIL were negligent though they probably care deeply for your daughter. They are also old and are set in their ways and know what they can afford of have available for them selves re medical assistance. You were also there.
Definitely you should have got your daughter to medical care. The next morning could have been an okay time.
One of my kids split their chin open but the hospital glued it and also stuck a steri-strip on and we were asked to keep it dry.
It did scar but less than if it had had stitches and it faded almost away..
Hopefully your daughter's scar will fade.
For medical attention on every holiday you should have a plan. Medical insurance and emergency numbers.
I am lazy and always book with a travel agent who gives me lists and checks these things.

They did get her medical care - twice!
Neither of the professionals thought it needed more than a plaster.

None of us have see it.
People do go to A&E for next to nothing. Scotland seems to be going down the route of you need an appointment to go to A&E, no more just rocking up and queing because of the numbers of people who go to A&E for nothing.

catelynjane · 11/01/2024 12:58

But at that time she was helpless. She can't go back in time to re-do the situation

I don't agree she was helpless - she got immediate medical attention and even went back another day to get more help.

To me it sounds like a lot of drama over nothing. Maybe her in-laws felt the same.

Babyboomtastic · 11/01/2024 13:08

Sigh, you don't need to look up numbers in advance, take phrase books etc, just use common sense if there is an accident.

I'm sorry if this seems patronising, but I'm assuming that you aren't very tech savvy or maybe have never travelled before outside of a holiday resort. Here is some stuff that can help next time, and if you do know this, then I have no idea why you didn't use it.

  • Google maps works virtually everywhere in the world. In a European country such as Italy, you can use it just as you would in the UK. To find a hospital merely type in the word hospital. You don't need to find the Italian word. The little blue. will show you where you are.
  • most hospital website will have an English page or an English version, They will also have their contact details.
  • Google translate will help you translate things into Italian and vice versa. This can help you with taxis, buses, getting a hire car delivered to where you are, communicating better with in laws etc.
Bex5490 · 11/01/2024 13:17

Almondmist · 10/01/2024 22:44

This is eating me up inside as I can't talk about this with anyone else, please help me decide what to do. Last year I went to visit my in-laws with my dds, my dh didn't go due to work commitments. My in-laws are nice people but also small minded. They live abroad in a small town and I can have a basic conversation with them in thier language. One night Dd2 slept with me and dd1 (4) slept with my mil. I have always used a bed guard with my dds abroad and my in-laws know this very well. It's a stone floor. In the middle of the night, dd1 woke up and came to me because she had a bad dream. I comforted her and my mil took her back to bed. 1 hour later I heard a thud and dd1 screaming. I ran into the room to see dd1 on the floor, her chin split open dripping blood. She had not been put on the side of the bed where the bed guard was in place, but on the other side where my mil should have been sleeping. The cut was an inch wide. I panicked and told my fil to take us to the hospital while my ignorant mil got a wet tissue to dab at the wound. My fil didn't take us to the hospital but a tiny medical centre, which was a tiny room with a guy claiming he was a nurse. He put a plaster on and that's all. I only have a beginner level knowledge of the local language and I said she needs stitches but the guy said no need it's enough. My dd bled for around four days, I begged my in-laws to take her to a hospital but they would look a me with a blank stare like they didn't understand me. I called my dh on the phone to translate to them but my fil refused and took her again to the same medical centre who only changed the plaster. I said to please call a taxi and I would pay for it but they said there are no taxis in the area. There is a hospital 20 mins drive away. I felt so lost and helpless. I cried so much. Its healed but there is a noticible scar left which, given the size, will remain. I was never given an apology for what happened and was told 'its just thier mentality'.
This time when I visited my in-laws with my dh, my mil notice the scar and said my dd should have got stitches. I saw red in that moment and screamed why she didn't do anything at the time and take dd to the hospital like I had begged.
I know what happened wasn't intentional but it was neglect and I am expected to carry on like nothing happened. But I can't let it go, I never want to see my in-laws again or leave take my dds there to meet them, I never enjoyed going I only did it for my dh. Soon the yearly subject will come up of booking the plane tickets and i want to tell dh no this time. I get so much anxiety and stressed out at the thought of going back there. I'm civil with my inlaws but i hate them since that incident. What would you do in my situation?

What does DH think or say about what happened?

angsty · 11/01/2024 13:43

OP sounds like an absolute drama queen

Oriunda · 11/01/2024 14:27

FigTreeInEurope · 11/01/2024 08:21

Airport transfers are a separate business to local taxis. For example, our nearest airport is in Bari, three hours away. Are you suggesting the op called a taxi for a six hour round trip? Besides, airport transfer taxis will not do non aiport runs. They're a completely different business, and can't be just called up in that way. Airport transfers are prebooked, have different insurance, and licensing.

Show quote history

This. We are 1.5hrs from Bari, and it took us all day to get back home after Christmas. No one wanted to drive us; taxi would have been absolutely extortionate. We got a lift to local train station. Train to Bari. Another train to airport. Two flights home. Hopefully logistics will improve before the G7!

Folklore9074 · 11/01/2024 15:30

They took her to a health centre for treatment. You were in Italy not the back of beyond. I’d suggest that you only visit with your husband in future but to cut contact or deprive in laws and children of a relationship sounds extreme. I’d put this behind you unless there is more to it.