Another stepchildren & bedrooms one…

[ProbablyAmy]

DH and I have 3 children between us, aged 15, 14 (his) and 9 (mine).

My 9 year old DD is with us full time, except every other weekend when she stays with her dad. DPs children stay with us 50/50.

We have moved into a house that needs extensive renovations. Originally the house had 4 double rooms, but because we now need to move a wall, it will be 3 doubles and one single. DP had already promised his children the bigger rooms (except ours) and I didn’t mind so much because my DD still had a double room with enough space for her things. I did warn him though that we shouldn’t be promising bedrooms until the renovations got under way.

However, now that one of the rooms is a single, it will not comfortably fit DD. She will need a single bed (fine), but then a single wardrobe, no room for a chest of drawers or desk. She has lots of books, soft toys, Lego and loves to draw, there will be no room to do any of this comfortably in her bedroom. My argument is that one of the teenagers should have the single room as:

• they are only here half the time.
• they don’t have as much stuff as DD.

DP is resistant as his argument is that DD had a much smaller room at my old house (this is true, but she still had toddler furniture which was unsuitable and I would’ve had to move soon!) He’s also backed himself into a corner with his teens and feels they will be annoyed because he’s already promised them larger rooms. He even said if I was suggesting swapping rooms that I should be the one to break it to the teens!

FWIW, I would feel the same if it was the other way round and DPs children were here full time and mine only here 50/50.

Op I think your daughter should get the double and the boys have to rotate between the single and the double room.

How about selling this idea to the boys… They share a double room to sleep in AND they get the single room as a gaming room/hangout room for when they’ve got mates round. Then your daughter gets a double with room for a desk.

My parents would have given me two options:

1. Share a double room
2. Don't share, but 1 will be in a double and 1 in a single.

Argue amongst yourselves on who's in what room. For me, there could be a third option- they could share the double room (to sleep in) and use the smaller bedroom as a gaming room, or whatever they're into. That way they have a room to retreat to, if they want space from each other.

Forget the bath shower fine much more important all the kids have a good bedroom .. and you won’t need a massive bathroom when the teens away!

Is there any possibility of either a complete remodel for three smaller doubles and no single? Or to turn the loft into a master bedroom, perhaps with en suite, and to still have three double bedrooms on the first floor for the children, plus a box room for guests / storage / additional home office etc?

Toss a count to see which of the children only living in house 50/50 gets the single room. I'd just live with a shower and make do without a bath.

A single room is also adequate for a 14 or 15 yo.

I would say it is OK for now but once you go off to uni or work after school your dd gets the bigger room on her 13th birthday compromise.
Have her drawing in the kitchen and lego in the kitchen where you can interact with her.

@ProbablyAmy do the step children not need a desk for homework if they are with you 50/50. Also, they will have exams soon so will need space and quiet.

Can you not move one of the other walls along with dd wall room to make one of the doubles a bit smaller and the single a bit bigger?

At one point in my childhood, we each spent six months in a large bedroom and then swapped to six months in the smaller bedroom. Worked fairly well. Not really sure why we bothered, but it was VERY important at the time!

It makes sense for your daughter, who is in the house the most to have a double room, and the two brothers to share the other double and single. Or could the single be decorated really very well for one of the boys with its own state of the art tv in it, to make it really appealing to one of them permanently?

Hope it works out well.

Yes, this!

I know swapping sounds great in theory but it means they can't really make the room their own? Unless you plan on redecorating with every room swap, they won't be able to paint or have things on the wall etc.

your DD is there all the time pretty much, she has a lot of stuff and should get one of the big rooms. Her being crammed in a smaller room whilst the bigger ones are empty half the time is absurd and I can't honestly believe some people think it's acceptable.

Having a set up where one is in this room with a wardrobe in another or a bed in there but toys downstairs and allowed a desk in her brothers room is also ludicrous. There are two super simple solutions

1. Don't change the bathroom. A 4 bed house with one bathroom is a deal breaker for me. I'd never buy it. We have 4 bedrooms and 3 bathrooms. I'd put in a second bathroom somewhere before I'd spend the money on upgrading the one you've got. An en suite in yours, a Jack and Jill between the boys, a downstairs loo, a small extension to accommodate one, in the garden house.. a second bathroom is much better than a bigger one.

1. Daughter in big room, you two in big room, boys get the other two. They can flip a coin, draw straws, rock paper scissor it, whatever but they can decide themselves. Having a room each is still better than sharing. A single room to yourself is better than sharing. Don't make it a thing, just this is the situation. The dad promised a room each, they are getting a room each. Don't let your daughter be ignored. Everyone saying she can play in the living room or is small enough to live in a cupboard under the stairs because her giant brothers need a mansion each to store their Xbox charger and pair of socks can sod off. Women and girls do not need to make themselves invisible and take up less space to accommodate men. Don't teach her to shrink herself at 9 years old.

Your DH needs to accept that she deserves a bigger room. She's there the most.

You’ve just answered your own question…
Your DD lives with you fulltime, she gets to choose her room first!
The boys have a choice… they share the big room and also have soul use of the small room (turn it into a study/games room or whatever)… OR they have their own rooms, but one of which will have the smaller room..

another option is to knock what will be the small room into the large room next door to make one even bigger room, and then put a divider down the middle so both can have 4ft (small double) beds in there.

OR my neighbours (who have 2 DS & 1DD erected a really cool heated outhouse (wooden shed) which is insulated and looks pretty cool…and the elder boy sleeps out there and it’s his own space.. you and DH could always sleep out there if he’s so keen for his kids to have a large room in the house?!

but yes I’d 100% never put my DD in the smallest room…

Make a deal with the 15 to have the larger room until they graduate. Then move your DC to the bigger room. Older child should be off to college after high school.

Presuming you currently have the largest room ear marked for you and DH?…. Maybe that needs to change…. Is the largest room large enough to put a thin divide in to give both boys privacy? Then you have the 2nd largest double and DD has smallest double. The small room is also the boys so they can have a place where one can go for privacy, it could have a sofa bed, desk, games console… so if they really wanted space it’s theirs to use.

100% with you on this one. Your daughter is there permanently, except couple days, of course she should have the bigger room..

Mix it up with other privileges. Make one large room your daughter's permanently, but in name only. Make the single room come with privileges - such as deciding what everyone eats for dinner, having no bed time on Saturdays, being able to watch whatever they want for 2 hours, having no chores for the weekend, etc - whatever makes a difference in their weekend. Just make it both desirable and reasonable, so that there's an advantage to sleeping in the single room and one you can fulfill on an ongoing basis. And then, every weekend, when all three girls are together, they can all draw straws for who gets which room to sleep in. It will teach them intelligence and being able to see situations in other than black and white. Keep both large bedrooms as consolation prizes and make it a basic necessity that your daughter keeps her room clean. Even after all three of them start wanting to sleep in the single room on weekends. And don't forget, the other two have their own bedrooms in mum's house. And your daughter has her own bedroom and mum and dad mon-fri. You just all have to compromise at weekends.

@ProbablyAmy does t seem to be coming back which is a shame as if she did and posted a floor plan people may be able to help her

Okay, now I got it. I think you need to reflect on the plans, or let the two older share and have the bonus room (as a PP above had mentioned)

Yes, your DD deserves to have a double room, the boys can share a bedroom but also have a game room.

Why on earth would you devalue your house and lifestyle but cutting down on a bedroom
sounds bonkers .
you need a plan b
the child who is living full time with you should get the biggest room ( they grow !)
if the whole plan is about getting an en-suite, or similar look at a smaller cube type
just done similar and it’s tiny but works so well

Off to Uni in 3/4 years so won’t be there? Good luck with that 🤣

Your partner was totally unread to promise bedrooms to his children before you had figured out the impact of renovations.

I would really struggle to be in a relationship with a man who prioritised the boys and insisted that the girls be grateful for the crumbs.

You have to stand up for your child here, because your partner is totally disregarding her needs. She needs a double room - she has more stuff and is there more frequently.

Can you post a floor plan?

Other solutions could be:

Build an en-suite into the biggest bedroom and leave the shower room as is for the children to use

Reduce 2 bedrooms slightly to increase bathroom size

Look at whether you can fit an additional bathroom downstairs somewhere.

I haven't got to the end of the thread yet and admittedly know nothing about restructuring houses, but couldn't you make your bedroom ensuite so the 3 kids share the small bathroom and then you could keep the bedrooms as they are?

Atleast then you aren't all needing the one toilet at the same time. You won't have a bath but it does solve the bedroom problems.

Perhaps 2 singles and 2 doubles. Teenagers have the singles x