Another stepchildren & bedrooms one…

[ProbablyAmy]

DH and I have 3 children between us, aged 15, 14 (his) and 9 (mine).

My 9 year old DD is with us full time, except every other weekend when she stays with her dad. DPs children stay with us 50/50.

We have moved into a house that needs extensive renovations. Originally the house had 4 double rooms, but because we now need to move a wall, it will be 3 doubles and one single. DP had already promised his children the bigger rooms (except ours) and I didn’t mind so much because my DD still had a double room with enough space for her things. I did warn him though that we shouldn’t be promising bedrooms until the renovations got under way.

However, now that one of the rooms is a single, it will not comfortably fit DD. She will need a single bed (fine), but then a single wardrobe, no room for a chest of drawers or desk. She has lots of books, soft toys, Lego and loves to draw, there will be no room to do any of this comfortably in her bedroom. My argument is that one of the teenagers should have the single room as:

• they are only here half the time.
• they don’t have as much stuff as DD.

DP is resistant as his argument is that DD had a much smaller room at my old house (this is true, but she still had toddler furniture which was unsuitable and I would’ve had to move soon!) He’s also backed himself into a corner with his teens and feels they will be annoyed because he’s already promised them larger rooms. He even said if I was suggesting swapping rooms that I should be the one to break it to the teens!

FWIW, I would feel the same if it was the other way round and DPs children were here full time and mine only here 50/50.

It made perfect sense to me. If the justification for them getting the worst room is that they're there only half the time, that applies to both their homes, therefore they deserve the worst room everywhere they live.

Yes, this thread! They're all step-children so whoever 'win's' the bigger space defeats your claim!

How about dsc share a room and use the small room as their own sitting room.

I wouldn't give children who only spend half the time there, the bigger room. Your dd is living there almost permanently and will grow into that space. Urgh this is why I would never be with someone who has kids . There is no way in hell I'm paying 50/50 for my dc to be disadvantaged. I really would dig my heels in on this one. Why should the boys get the bigger rooms, just to seem 'fair'. It isn't fair because they aren't there half the time!

Same. I'd rather be alone then navigate the step parent minefield.

All of this and more.A family member of mine hops from one man to another, moving them in then moving them out, the poor kids are wrecked from having to deal with it all and they're not even 10 years old yet. The new one (who she's known 3 fucking months and is now getting married to, ffs), has already been moved in with his own kids to her small house, so now her children are being forced to bunk up with kids they don't even know. It's just one massive shit show, and I just could never, ever make my kids go thorugh all that, no thanks. I remember my own mum doing the same to us, I HATED having step fathers and then having to deal with THEIR family too. No way. Far, far better to be alone with my own family then have to force through things with someone else's leaving my own disadvantaged.

Better to have seperate houses, live as seperate families.

The responses would be exactly the same if they were girls. They are being prioritised because they are older, bigger, likely to spend more time in their room, need a study space and can be naturally deprioritised in a few years at which point DD's room for a bigger room is greater.

We dont know the full extent of DDs residence - EOW what about half term, ester, xmas, summer holidays etc etc

At the end of the day if the small room is not big enough for 9 yr old then it is not big enough for any of the children - ergo decision on the bathroom was stupid. Or one gets the garden office and the small room becomes the office.

You need to figure out the best solution, possibly discuss it with the boys.

Dickhead promised them
somethings that may not be within his ability to provide them. He's an idiot who needs to grow up. Breaking it to the boys is his responsibility.

having said that. It's him that could go with a bath IF he wanted to have the bedrooms be doubles.

you could put in a different style shower that would give a more spacious feel to the room.

dd gets a double.

DC (18) has a (large) , ensuite & separate study. Good desk, proper office chair, shelves etc.

she mostly studies cross legged on her bed 🙇🏻‍♀️🙇🏻‍♀️ occasionally spread out all over the dining table.

How is your relationship with the two older kids? Can you not have a conversation with them all together? I have a teen too and I would involve them in problem-solving this.

Set it out to them - make sure they feel heard re their point of view, tell them the practical problem you have, say you're trying to figure out what to do... If they don't feel they're being forced into anything they might surprise you with a solution.

You need to re-think this.

The entire point of renovating a family home is to have something that works for EVERYONE. Your proposed renovation is not suitable. IT DOES NOT WORK.

Your solutions are:

1. You and your DH have the single room. You can have your wardrobe on the landing or something. Or in one of the boys rooms.
2. YOUR double room has your bed in it, but everything else is your daughters and it's her room. She just sleeps in the small room.
3. The teenage boys share a room, and the small room becomes their gaming room. You could split the double room with one of those funky split bed designs.
4. Is there an option to have a second bathroom downstairs so the small upstairs shower room remains? Do you NEED a bath? I don't see teenage boys wanting baths!

@LittlePudding1 Op has said nothing about the situation at their mums. The boys are fifty fifty at both homes. So if the boys are deprioritised at their das because they are only there fifty per cent of the time, why would they not be at their mums?

Very sensible suggestion.

To be honest, it seems like you've made your mind and you're here to get people to justify your opinion.

I think your daughter should have the single room for some years. Children don't really mind where they play or sleep. Whereas a teenager will most likely want a bigger space to invite friends over, study for exams etc.
Soon the teens will be big enough to go to uni, and then your daughter will be a teen and can then take over one of the rooms.

Think about it this way, the teens have had to share all their life and have a few years to adulthood. Will you deny them the chance of having big personal rooms for a few years? Whereas your daughter still has time to move into a big space soon.

You might also want to sit down and have a chat with the kids. You never know who might prefer the smaller room.

Let's be honest here though, OP came on here to find ways to persuade her husband to agree with her, not find alternative arrangements

Riiiiiiight, so the telechubby person (DH), is 1)needing space found for his shower and 2) unilaterally gifting bigger rooms away so he can complete his Disney dad moniker?!!

@ProbablyAmy
Charming. He needs to have some humility.

I came to say the same thing...as the boys spend 50% in the other house too, when their dm is with a partner with a full time kid, they'd get the small rooms there too.

Op the simple solution is to give everyone the same sized room and have showers for 3 years until teens leave. I don't understand why you don't want this? Is access to a bath tub for 3 years worth all this resentment?

@ProbablyAmy aa myself and a few have said - put a floor plan up

We may see a solution you won't /can't

I think you just need to have a conversation with the boys. They're still getting a room of their own.

Sit them down and tell them that as the bathroom is going to be made bigger, then one of their rooms will be a bit smaller and they can draw straws. If they kick, you and DP draw straws for them.

Ultimately, if the choice is a fight or you choose, then you choose. This the home YOU and DP pay for, and while I'm all for making kids comfy in their own home, that doesn't mean they get to dictate which room is theirs.

Could you give your daughter a double room and then the other double has the girls beds in and the smaller single make into a room for them to use to get ready/chill out/playroom for the two girls.

They're teen boys and have shared for years, and were promised their own rooms.

It makes perfect sense for the people living in the house the most to get the bigger rooms. Your daughter needs a proper space. And it's not fair for your other half to have promised rooms. He needs to deal with that himself! He's a grown man and shouldn't put it on you to deal with. There's definitely going to be upset if the older 2 don't have equal rooms but they could share and have a games room or you could bribe one.. whoever gets the smaller room gets.... Insert desirable item here haha! Either that or like others have said, hold off renovations and make do with a shower.

How about the boys share and you use the smaller Room to create a hang out space for them with sofa, tv etc so they have a way to spend time apart? Would that work?

I think you reducing the value of your house with your current plans so I wouldn’t do it for that reason. Can you add another bathroom downstairs?

it does seem you prioritising your DD over your DSC… it seems a common theme on here. If all three children were yours how would you organise it?