Another stepchildren & bedrooms one…

[ProbablyAmy]

DH and I have 3 children between us, aged 15, 14 (his) and 9 (mine).

My 9 year old DD is with us full time, except every other weekend when she stays with her dad. DPs children stay with us 50/50.

We have moved into a house that needs extensive renovations. Originally the house had 4 double rooms, but because we now need to move a wall, it will be 3 doubles and one single. DP had already promised his children the bigger rooms (except ours) and I didn’t mind so much because my DD still had a double room with enough space for her things. I did warn him though that we shouldn’t be promising bedrooms until the renovations got under way.

However, now that one of the rooms is a single, it will not comfortably fit DD. She will need a single bed (fine), but then a single wardrobe, no room for a chest of drawers or desk. She has lots of books, soft toys, Lego and loves to draw, there will be no room to do any of this comfortably in her bedroom. My argument is that one of the teenagers should have the single room as:

• they are only here half the time.
• they don’t have as much stuff as DD.

DP is resistant as his argument is that DD had a much smaller room at my old house (this is true, but she still had toddler furniture which was unsuitable and I would’ve had to move soon!) He’s also backed himself into a corner with his teens and feels they will be annoyed because he’s already promised them larger rooms. He even said if I was suggesting swapping rooms that I should be the one to break it to the teens!

FWIW, I would feel the same if it was the other way round and DPs children were here full time and mine only here 50/50.

Family of 5 here and only a wet room with no bath. It’s amazing! Clean cut, modern and very functional. Don’t miss the bath at all.

Surely the conversation is - you two will have to share, unless one of you takes the smaller room. I’m sure one will opt for the smaller room to not have to share.

One bathroom between five people won’t work - having a shower and bath in the same room doesn’t mean more people can use it necessarily! Hopefully you have more toilets than just that one.

my suggestion would be give one double room to your dd, the other double room to the dss with two single beds or double bunk type things, then use the single room as a kind of den / lounge thing for them to overflow into.

Maybe sell the house and buy one with 4 doubles and a nice bathroom?

Or they will harbour a grudge and stop wanting to go to their dads.

I think you actually need to consider a downstairs bathroom. I have one with a shower room upstairs. With that many people in the house one bathroom isn't going to be enough anyway. Or consider putting a bath as a feature in your actual bedroom...

The op didn’t agree it. Her husband made a unilateral decision that cannot be upheld.

Boys share the largest double room. Girl has the smaller double. Spare room is a den. Or if one of the boys decides he'd rather have it then that's cool too. Dad has to just own up to being silly making a promise and maybe sweeten the deal somehow.

Hi, I’ve read a few of your comments and it’s hard to say really. In our house growing up the kids always had the bigger rooms as they have the most amount of things. Believe it or not me and my partner also now have the smallest room in the house (it’s a squeeze at best). Best thing to do is call a family meeting. Sit down with the boys and explain the situation, they’re more than old enough to understand the situation and that logically it makes sense. Don’t ask them, tell them this is what’s happening, but obviously express your sorries a for DP making promises. Then maybe make it seem you’re still on their side and not being unfair by throwing out different suggestions. Sharing a room and having the other a games room (if they’re gamers at all) or a chill our room. Or the one with the smallest gets a funky cabin bed with desk (you can get some real cool ones). Either way the most important thing is also sitting down with your partner and making him see sense. Everything you have said is bang on and does make sense, I feel like as he promised earlier he just now feels bad and is standing his ground to save face with his kids. Hope it all works out well for you.

Just promise your daughter a double bedroom and then you can say all three children have been promised the same thing. Then when discussing further look for compromise involving all the children - fairest way.

I’d forfeit a bath for a double room for children of that age. Whilst a bath is nice neither my 11&14 will now have a bath. They prefer a shower. Their dad only has a bath and they hate it. If your DD was younger I’d see why a bath was needed but at 9 she could start using a shower.

I’m sure it’s been asked, but is there room for an en suite or 2?

I agree with this. Why should your dd be pushed to the smaller room and his 2 children get the 2 largest room - it doesn’t seem right. Surely more fair for them to have 1 large and 1 small. This seems fairer so that your dd doesn’t feel pushed out

Surely the solution would be that your DD gets a double while the boys alternate between the double and single which would be a step up from sharing anyway.

could you leave the bathroom as is and consider taking some space from the largest double to have a shower room with sink? So 2 showers in total? Is a bath essential?

2 DCs here, all bio kids.

We sacrificed a bath so that DC2 could have a large single bedroom.

We just have a shower room.

It's ok.

I never get this family bathroom thing, it's not as if ur all 5 going to be in there at once? Ur better off making another 1 elsewhere and having 2 bathrooms ....

We have a 5 bed, 4 doubles and my 8 year old is in a single as we best use the empty doubles as a spare (lots of visitors) and office/adult storage. He is happy, has plenty of space and hasn’t complained. Plenty of children have singles/share and are fine so I think YABU to say she can’t cope in a single.

YABU to say she should have more space at yours as there more than the DSC, it’s hardly their fault and by your logic neither house is really their home if they are only there 50%.

yanbu to argue the youngest should automatically get the smallest room. It should be based on needs and preferences. If one child gives up the double could they have priority in the tv room or best bathroom slot etc?

I think you need to talk to an architect before you confirm your renovation plans. There will be a better way to solve your problems than turning a double room into a tiny single. For example, maybe a part of 2 bedrooms could be carved out to make a second shower room (these can be pretty small and still work well if designed well) It generally works better to squeeze a small shower room between 2 existing rooms than to massively compromise one room. Plus, 2 bathrooms is going to be essential with 3 teenagers! Or look at how you could fit in an en-suite for yourselves, then the existing small shower room isn’t a problem for the kids. It’s home for all of you, regardless of who is there the most or has the most stuff, it needs to work for you all

I think you’re absolutely reasonable to give your DD a large room. At 9 she has more toys, activities and ‘things’ around and will play in her room using space. Teenagers more likely to be on phones or at desk gaming or studying - at least that’s what we experience. Adding to that your DD is there 90% of time and has this as her only own space. The boys are there 50% and have another room at their mums too - may have slightly less things then. Finally the house is both yours and your husbands - your child is just as valuable and entitled to space it’s not okay he only promises his own kids these rooms. And if you want to add a bath do so - it’s your house

It’s not fair that the child that lives there full time gets the smallest bedroom, DD should get one of the double bedrooms regardless of what she had previously. She isn’t a second class citizen and I would definitely feel that way if it were me. DH will need to deal with it won’t he. How ridiculous, DH needs to grow a pair.

Don’t move the wall! Or wait until at least one of the kids has moved into their own place.

It’s ridiculous that your DH “promised” rooms but there’s really no easy way out of this. I agree with you that your DD should have a bigger room but any way you do it now is going to create a lot of bad feeling and resentment.

While you are doing renovation have you considered an attic conversion? , your DD could have her own room and one of the boys the attic conversion bet they will fighting over it, another idea would be to move the internal walls if possible and make 3 good size bedrooms rather than 3 doubles and one single.

You could give the boys the decision...our eldest preferred a single for eg.
For example
Option 1. Older boys have larger rooms until DD is xx yr old then whoever uses their room less will swap.
Option 2. One boy volunteers to have the single which way doesn't matter but they'd have more input to personalize it (& maybe a sweetener).

Rethink your plans - put a second bathroom somewhere where it impacts two rooms a bit rather than one a lot much more practical than 5 of you sharing one bathroom.