To divorce him over cookies?!?!

[Thecookiecrazylady]

This has happened this morning and is tbh he norm if I ever ask him to get me stuff. Last time he told me they didn’t have wholemeal bread in Sainsbury’s so I jumped in the car and ofc they had an entire end aisle he’d just not looked.

Me: can you grab me some of the chocolate chip cookies in a brownish yellow bag from the free from section while you’re at Sainsburys. If they don’t have them that’s fine but if they do 👍🏻
Him: yeah no problem

Me:… what are those?
Him: your cookies
Me: No they’re not. I said brown/yellow bag these are in a bright purple box.
Him: they didn’t have the others
Me: but these ones aren’t dairy free
Him: yes they are
Me: it says ‘all butter’ on the box they’re just gluten free
Him: give them to the kids 🤷‍♀️ (kids won’t eat them)
Me: You just don’t even care do you? Can’t even make a basic effort to listen, give me a ring to check…or at least read the damn box to check whatever alternative you’re buying is safe for me.
Him: YOU SAID BROWN AND PURPLE BAG
Me: PURPLE NEVER LEFT MY MOUTH ONCE NEVER STOP GAS LIGHTING ME YOU ALWAYS DO THIS!
Him: I thought I had the right bloody ones!
Me: No you didn’t you literally answered ‘they didn’t have them’ when I asked about the brown bag ones. You knew you were buying an alternative and you didn’t even bother to check it was safe or check with me I wanted it. I didn’t even care about the cookies that much it’s just the way you behave. You are never wrong, you don’t give a crap and you turn everything around on me and it’s always my problem.

Ok it’s not just over cookies it’s a very ingrained pattern of ‘IDGAF’ behaviour that always gets turned around on me. Words put in my mouth, him claiming I said or did things I didn’t. For context I do all our shopping and make a huge effort to meet his very particular requirements, even going to multiple supermarkets for items. I care if he’s happy. The only reason I wasn’t doing this supermarket run myself was because I’m poorly.

Not read the whole thread but you have my sympathy.

I was married to a man like this.

The fact he cannot admit fault ( by saying sorry) means he will never change. If he has never done anything wrong, there is nothing for him to change, is there?

Book marriage guidance counselling - whether it's any use or not, you need to show that you've tried. Write down examples of everything like this with dates (don't tell him). Make sure your name is on the mortgage and on all the utility bills. And start squirrelling money away. You'll need it. I wish someone had told me that last one 5 years ago. Good luck xx

My H was later diagnosed with autism btw, sounds very similar to yours.

This is about the ops actual safety. He doesn't care enough to to not endanger her.
She could have trusted him, grabbed the cookies and eaten them and then he would've had a different situation to deal with.

I won't date a man who won't apologise. It's always accompanied by some kind of abusive behaviour, either DARVO, stonewalling, or sulky silent treatment.

If you think about it, if he won't apologise, he's got to either minimise and deny, refuse to acknowledge it at all, or say nothing. There are no other options.

@Kosenrufugirl @CHRIS003 I generally agree with your posts. Thought I would show some solidarity!

I don’t think@Thecookiecrazylady and her DH sound compatible and he is clearly in the wrong for buying cookies she is allergic too. That’s really not good enough.

Married with two small children, I would suggest op needs to decide if she wants to stay married or not. If she wants to stay married she will likely have to pick her battles and change her own behaviour.

I am happily married for 25 years, luckily my DH is a very able man who mucks in with everything. There is nothing I do that he can’t do as well. Would I divorce him over grocery shopping (even with the allergy issue), no I wouldn’t.

whether it's any use or not, you need to show that you've tried

No she doesn't. We have no-fault divorce now.

Misandry innit? "The poor menz can't help it" despite reams of evidence to the contrary.

Did you ask him to make you and the kids something to eat ?

Is is an unusual situation that children need to be fed every day? Did he ever ask me to make them lunch? No, because I'm a parent, and I don't need to be told that children need to be fed!

That's the point - men are not mind readers.

Neither are women, yet my children get lunch (and breakfast, and dinner) every day, without anyone asking me!

Yes he should have cleaned up. Gentle reminder to him - next time you are cooking could you please ask me if I want anything too. Oh and by the way - could you please make sure you don't get chilli flakes everywhere- if you spill something wipe it up - include your kids in this too if they old enough no need to shout and turn in to anything major !

Aaaahhh - you think that this was the first time it happened? That I'd not asked before, so how could he be expected to know that a side needs to be wiped to stay clean, and that wrappers don't get into the bin on their own? Of course it wasn't. I'd spent years either just doing it (not sweating the small stuff), or gently asking (being kind, and hoping for change through gentle encouragement) - I rarely got cross (and didn't this time, I was upset at the lack of care), it made no difference. I just cleaned the kitchen up for goodness sake, with no complaint, despite a fair bit of the mess being from his previous activities, and he couldn't even keep it clean for 30 minutes.

Why are you saying he is not a decent person if he doesn't do these things - your response says a lot about how stressful you are making life for yourself within the family

Because a decent person appreciates the effort that their partner puts into the family, and makes a similar amount of effort in return. His behaviour was selfish and inconsiderate, and that isn't decent.

No, I can say categorically that chocolate and biscuits do not matter. We’d all do better to eat less/fewer of both.
I can see that in some cases it may be the final straw, but I personally put a lot of effort into the big things (as does my DH) and we both try not to get too annoyed when either stuffs up on the little things. You just have to decide what matters—and if you don’t agree about that then the relationship is obviously going to struggle.
Just to be clear, I’m female and neither my DH or I are surrendered in any way to each other. We dislike housework equally and learned incompetence would be pointless, as neither one would pick up the slack.

My ex was like this. He would then get in a strip because I'm so ungrateful. If he ever cooked me a meal he got a massive strip if I asked ingredients. I got the shits every time though 🤷‍♀️. If you want to leave you don't need a reason but as reasons go feeling partner DFAF is enough

Sounds like if he gets it wrong often enough you'll stop asking him to do things he doesn't want to do.

Are you really this stupid in real life?

No, I can say categorically that chocolate and biscuits do not matter. We’d all do better to eat less/fewer of both.
He bought her something that she is allergic to. Actively harms her. It's not the cookies, it's the act.

You just have to decide what matters—and if you don’t agree about that then the relationship is obviously going to struggle.
Surely it matters if he's trying to poison her, deliberately or otherwise. They've been married five years, he should know. I know this after five MINUTES.

I personally put a lot of effort into the big things (as does my DH)
And there you have it. You both consider each other. How would you feel if you did all the effort and he bought food that you can't eat then got angry at you for being ungrateful? Go on, think this through, you can do it.

There's an awful lot of 'my DH doesn't do this so therefore the problem must be you' on this thread. Baffling.

The problem with the way this quote function works is that you couldn’t see here that my comment was not responding directly to the OP. Of course he should not have bought her something she was allergic to.
My response was to the numerous posts generalising about men’s incompetence and unreasonableness in buying, for example, the ‘wrong’ brand of chocolate.

But for a lot of people there is the wrong chocolate. I hate oreo and dark choc. My DH knows this
So why would he buy the wrong one when it's right next to the right one?

You could switch to shopping online, and if the shopping was the problem and he was loving thoughtful and considerate in every regard apart from shopping maybe that'd make everything ok. But I don't think switching how you shop for groceries is really going to fix the problem here because the problem really isn't that the cookies were wrong.

The problem is he either doesn't care about you or he's doing an incredibly good job of acting like it. I can't tell you precisely what to do, I can confidently tell you yanbu.

Got home from a few days away with the kids, dh* at home while we were away. The first thing they always want when they get home from any busy day (and this was a loooong journey) is some toast and a packet of crisps for a quick survival snack. I went to the cupboard and there wasn't one slice of bread or packet of crisps to be had. All he had to do for four days was look after himself and provide the most basic shopping for when we got home, and he couldn't manage that. And when I was very slightly annoyed that I would have to go out again for food shopping, he didn't like my reaction.

These things, the OP's cookies, they're completely justified last straws.

*dh - stbxh

i'm neurodivergent.. i'm perfectly capable of remembering an instruction and locating a specific item in the supermarket, or even sourcing a suitable alternative should the requested thing not be available.

Next excuse?

Option 1 - next time you go away like this and you are on your way home call him or text him before you leave and ask him if he could just pop out to the shop so there is something in for when you get home.
Option 2
Stop on the way home and get something to eat
Option 3
Make some sandwiches etc to eat on the journey if you can't do Option 2
If he complains about Option 1 or the cost of Option 2 then remind him about the previous time - no need for argument - turn it in to a joke if you can and say do you remember last time - god knows what you lived in on for four days but there was nothing in.
Tell him that you and the kids will be very hungry and tired because it is a long journey that way you have explained your needs to him,
If you get back and the cupboards are bare after you have done this then that would be the time to get seriously mad at him.

Option 4 - he thinks of it himself like an adult? The poster clearly says the children always want such a snack when they return from this kind of trip. This isn't the first time, or unexpected. It's not a woman's job to manage the household or to train her husband like a dog. Or to have to make things into a joke so that he doesn't feel nagged.

Have you actually read the OP's original post? How's the weather there, back in the 1940's where you are obviously living?

In other words, understand that it's your responsibility to ensure your DH behaves like an adult and a parent?

And if he doesn't behave that way, you've only got yourself to blame because you didn't spoonfeed him with enough suitable options?

Alternatively, ensure you have a plan B and C in case he can't manage basic parenting / adulthood.

Edited as.pressed post too soon!

I think others have beaten me to it with the responses @CHRIS003

He's an adult with 16 years of parenting experience. He hasn't just fallen from the sky....

@Thecookiecrazylady I walked out on my dh about 3yrs ago over things like this. The seeming lack of care for my feelings, the lack of interest in helping me out comforting me when I needed it, etc.We'd been together about 20yrs, but it hadn't always been like that. It had got worse over the last 4-8 years and I couldn't take any more. I tried countless times to talk to him and he would just say "if you're not happy, leave", so eventually, I did. The act of me leaving, seemed to wake him up, and for the first time ever, I got an apology and a promise to do better. He agreed to attend joint counselling and a few others things I asked for so I went back. It wasn't a walk in the park to start with due to my hurt feelings, and my worry he'd slip back, but 3 years later we've never been happier and every day he goes out of his way to show me he cares, and he has kept up those changes. The counselling really helped us talk to each other and actually hear what the other was saying. Resentment had definitely built up on both sides and we'd become defensive in any discussion, and had lost how to communicate effectively and kindly, like we used to when we first got together. He'd always been against counselling, but will now recommend it to anyone struggling as it helped us so much. He says every day how grateful and happy he is that we didn't just throw it away and that we tried and fixed it. Just wanted to give you a positive story.