To divorce him over cookies?!?!

[Thecookiecrazylady]

This has happened this morning and is tbh he norm if I ever ask him to get me stuff. Last time he told me they didn’t have wholemeal bread in Sainsbury’s so I jumped in the car and ofc they had an entire end aisle he’d just not looked.

Me: can you grab me some of the chocolate chip cookies in a brownish yellow bag from the free from section while you’re at Sainsburys. If they don’t have them that’s fine but if they do 👍🏻
Him: yeah no problem

Me:… what are those?
Him: your cookies
Me: No they’re not. I said brown/yellow bag these are in a bright purple box.
Him: they didn’t have the others
Me: but these ones aren’t dairy free
Him: yes they are
Me: it says ‘all butter’ on the box they’re just gluten free
Him: give them to the kids 🤷‍♀️ (kids won’t eat them)
Me: You just don’t even care do you? Can’t even make a basic effort to listen, give me a ring to check…or at least read the damn box to check whatever alternative you’re buying is safe for me.
Him: YOU SAID BROWN AND PURPLE BAG
Me: PURPLE NEVER LEFT MY MOUTH ONCE NEVER STOP GAS LIGHTING ME YOU ALWAYS DO THIS!
Him: I thought I had the right bloody ones!
Me: No you didn’t you literally answered ‘they didn’t have them’ when I asked about the brown bag ones. You knew you were buying an alternative and you didn’t even bother to check it was safe or check with me I wanted it. I didn’t even care about the cookies that much it’s just the way you behave. You are never wrong, you don’t give a crap and you turn everything around on me and it’s always my problem.

Ok it’s not just over cookies it’s a very ingrained pattern of ‘IDGAF’ behaviour that always gets turned around on me. Words put in my mouth, him claiming I said or did things I didn’t. For context I do all our shopping and make a huge effort to meet his very particular requirements, even going to multiple supermarkets for items. I care if he’s happy. The only reason I wasn’t doing this supermarket run myself was because I’m poorly.

I feel for you OP. It's obviously not just about the cookies so you have done yourself a bit of a disservice with your post title.

Some of the responses though, wow.

I could stand here and say, with the benefit of hindsight, there wasn't any overall benefit (to your marriage) in continuing the moan after he went back out the get the right cookies, but I can't say I definitely wouldn't have done the same in your shoes. And, at the very least you probably felt better for saying it.

As to what comes next, you need to decide if the relationship is salvageable. If it is salvageable, at what cost? I mean I've seen some suggest you micromanage every move so he doesn't make the mistakes that upset you and - yes it is a solution - but the cost to your mental load may be too great for you to see value in that option.

It you believe he can't change and you have to be the one that makes all the compromises for it to work out, then start making plans for yourself to move on, with your self esteem is a strong enough state so you don't end up like the same poor souls who post on MN who can't see the cycle repeating itself.

Got it. How about giving him a written list - something along the lines of...

1. when you go to the toilet, there will be a roll of paper close by. You need to use this to wipe your bottom

2. shoes come in pairs; one shoe goes on the right foot, one goes on the left foot. Get it wrong and you'll probably fall over.

etc.

'Gentle reminder to him..' oh yeah, he's definitely going to remember that, isn't he? Why didn't the OP think of that - well done, Sherlock, you should be the next Met Police Commissioner.

Have you bothered to actually read what the OP has written? Does the fact that her husband, with full knowledge, is buying food that will make her ill elicit no comment from you? Do you realise how tone deaf and unrealistic you are, not to say oblivious?

Agree that there’s a difference between dark and milk chocolate, but Cadbury and Galaxy? I’m a bit bored with this discussion now and it’s a long way from the OP, but I admit to carelessness on the confectionery front (because I don’t eat it myself I suppose) and unwitting forgetfulness in the supermarket. Doesn’t mean I’m incompetent or pretending to be, or that I don’t care about my DH. I get that in the OP’s case it could be the last straw but for most people how common or serious a problem is it? (Rhetorical question)

Oh goodness just reading some of this and I realise why the last 20 years of my life with hb have been so painful.

someone mentioned ‘weaponised incompetence’ a while back on first thread pages.

My daughter is currently very ill and I am trying to sort consultants etc whilst working full time. We both have same level jobs- in fact I’m more senior than him. Yet the entire load of sorting out anything to do with appointments and treatment for children always falls to me. It’s because it’s complex.

I approached him for help as I’m struggling trying to be in the phone to BUPA and emailing etc whilst in back to back calls. His answer was that he is likely to mess it up so best not help here.

If I tried to bring anything like this up as a topic he would literally shout at me.

The OPs hb seems mild in comparison to mine.

on the other hand - he would do the ironing and build me a herb bed in the garden and try and do other stuff I think needs doing. Stuff that I can’t do.

So I’m not 100% sure as a result I can just walk out although after 20 years of this I’m happy to hire an odd job person to sort those random things!! As the proportion of stuff he can’t do versus me is weighted much more towards me doing the most in my view. I’m sure he would disagree.

and no it’s impossible to discuss anything with him like a civilised adult as he is basically a giant man child.

How did I not see this when I married him??

I don't like Galaxy. I like Cadburys. So when DH does the food shop he buys Cadburys. Various ones - Oreo, Marvellous Creations, normal but never Galaxy. Because I prefer Cadburys and he doesn't mind either way, so he's happy to have what I prefer and has listened so he buys the right one. If he kept buying the wrong one even though I told him I didn't like it and preferred Cadbury I would probably end up just buying my own. But that's where the weaponised incompetence and resentment sets in. Not caring enough to listen and learn doesn't just stay in the chocolate, it's then other stuff and it escalated.

if someone loves you they find ways to make you feel loved. Yes there are lots of different ways to fix the problem of consistently having the right groceries in the house. But if someone loves you they find ways to make you feel loved.

One of my christmas presents (like under the tree wrapped up) was literally my favourite kind of chocolate biscuit after dh overheard me complaining that the cupboards were bursting with super fancy food after the christmas shop but I hadn't remembered to get my favourite thing. Of course the 'gift' was being arsed to take a special trip to the shop and find the right biscuit, but it really matters. Because you're either worth the time and effort or you're not.

So it's STILL the woman's job!!!
Why are you making excuses for incompetent men??

I am not making excuses for incompetent men - I am just saying that maybe she could look at how the argument started in the first place. There are a few choices that she could have taken herself that would prevent the situation happening again. Learn from

I did read Ops post -
I do understand she needed special biscuits for her dietary needs absolutely!
What I would have done it this in this situation is would not have relied on ANYONE else to buy them for me - husband friend etc . If it important to get the right ones then I would have bought them myself and if I forgot on the weekly shop then I would go without the biscuits until the next shop !
Hence - you have thought the situation through yourself and avoided a confrontation - there is an old saying - if you want a job doing properly- do it yourself !

What I would have done it this in this situation is would not have relied on ANYONE else to buy them for me - husband friend etc

So how are people with allergies expected to cope when dining out, in hospital, etc? How does someone with severe mobility problems and allergies cope, because someone else has to do their shopping for them?

The OP should be able to expect her "D"H to read a label. It's not hard.

if you want a job doing properly- do it yourself

That's his eventual goal: that she does everything whilst he lies on the sofa.

It's called "weaponised incompetence".

Give him dog food to eat, as it doesn't matter

But if its important like not eating Nestle for many reasons now, then buying Nestle for me is pointless. So yes the wrong brand of chocolate is a thing.

It doesnt matter the reason, it doesnt matter the brand, if its important to me, that should be enough. If I listen to my DP and hear he is boycotting x brand for any reason or none, I wont go out and buy that brand ever again. He should do me the same courtesy. And he does.
Granted he probably has forgotten why I'm boycotting x, but he will remember that I am and that will do.

All this because he cares.

This is what I would call accepting the rod he has made for her back and proceeding to whack herself with it.

So by your peculiar logic, even if the OP is physically ill at any time, and cannot shop for herself, she should drag herself out of bed and crawl to the shop, because she has a husband who is deliberately obtuse? Yes, great logic - well done!

Are you listening to yourself?

Huge sigh.

And when you cannot for whatever reasons get your own
I'll be honest here, if you cannot think of at least 10 reasons why you cannot get your own cookies, there is something wrong with you, do you go without cookies the rest of your life or do you ask someone, someone close? Like a husband maybe to go get the cookies you really like.

For context I do all our shopping and make a huge effort to meet his very particular requirements, even going to multiple supermarkets for items. I care if he’s happy. The only reason I wasn’t doing this supermarket run myself was because I’m poorly.

Stop doing that. Just grab up ‘whatever’, and shrug and say ‘they didn’t have it’ if he complains.

I haven't read the whole thread, but blimey is this the hill you choose to die on? Is this the only battle you have to fight. Yes I get it's annoying but your sound super high maintenance! Poor guy he must be treading on eggshells.

If you want the EXACT biscuits go and buy them yourself.

It reads like you just read the title to be honest

When does her husband 'learn'?

If he'd done the job properly in the first place there wouldn't have been an argument!

If you are CHRIS003 you would, of course, drag yourself out of your sickbed and roll along the pavements in your pj's to the supermarket (mind the roads, ladies), because (all together now, ladies of the 1940's): - 'if you want a job doing properly- do it yourself !' Heavens, how original!!

Meanwhile, back in the 21st century....

Winnading, your comment 'if you cannot think of at least 10 reasons why you cannot get your own cookies, there is something wrong with you' is totally correct. There is something wrong. Very badly wrong.

I'm glad you've admitted you haven't read the thread.
You clearly haven't even read the OP's posts.

So whilst kind of you to bestow your opinion it's based on incomplete information

Life is way too short for this drip-drip-drip of lack of care and weaponised incompetence.

Also excusing it by suggesting neurodivergence is so insulting. I have ASD and I manage to remember what DH is allergic to and not poison him. I even manage to remember that humans need regular mealtimes, but that might just be my lack of a penis.

so if i invte my BF over, who has a nut allergy, for dinner.. should he bring his own food, or should he trust that i will take care to make sure the food i provide is safe for him to eat?

@CHRIS003 men arent "helping out" so let's address that language. They are responsible for 50% so that posters dad could have at least done a shit job 50% of the time. Funny how men arent "helping out" or incapable at work. Or do you think women have a higher standard of how a task should be completed at work and therefore have a higher standard of work? Because it cuts both ways.

If my husband and I can both be doctors, then we can both use a hoover.

Ok I think he's a bit of a knob but you were a bit ungracious here. "So they did have them then?" is passive aggressive. You could have said thank you, I appreciate you going back and checking. I got a bit frustrated before. I think if you had tried that tack the conversation might have started a bit better.
I am not criticising you - God knows we had issues when ours were tiny (nearly left him for similar a few times) but I learned not to give him any leeway to claim I was being OTT or nagging and he has worked through his knob tendancies. It's our Pearl wedding this year.
Bottom line is the big picture. Is he generally a good husband/ dad and is it worth you staying. Men are quite simple creatures, they just need training, lol!