To divorce him over cookies?!?!

[Thecookiecrazylady]

This has happened this morning and is tbh he norm if I ever ask him to get me stuff. Last time he told me they didn’t have wholemeal bread in Sainsbury’s so I jumped in the car and ofc they had an entire end aisle he’d just not looked.

Me: can you grab me some of the chocolate chip cookies in a brownish yellow bag from the free from section while you’re at Sainsburys. If they don’t have them that’s fine but if they do 👍🏻
Him: yeah no problem

Me:… what are those?
Him: your cookies
Me: No they’re not. I said brown/yellow bag these are in a bright purple box.
Him: they didn’t have the others
Me: but these ones aren’t dairy free
Him: yes they are
Me: it says ‘all butter’ on the box they’re just gluten free
Him: give them to the kids 🤷‍♀️ (kids won’t eat them)
Me: You just don’t even care do you? Can’t even make a basic effort to listen, give me a ring to check…or at least read the damn box to check whatever alternative you’re buying is safe for me.
Him: YOU SAID BROWN AND PURPLE BAG
Me: PURPLE NEVER LEFT MY MOUTH ONCE NEVER STOP GAS LIGHTING ME YOU ALWAYS DO THIS!
Him: I thought I had the right bloody ones!
Me: No you didn’t you literally answered ‘they didn’t have them’ when I asked about the brown bag ones. You knew you were buying an alternative and you didn’t even bother to check it was safe or check with me I wanted it. I didn’t even care about the cookies that much it’s just the way you behave. You are never wrong, you don’t give a crap and you turn everything around on me and it’s always my problem.

Ok it’s not just over cookies it’s a very ingrained pattern of ‘IDGAF’ behaviour that always gets turned around on me. Words put in my mouth, him claiming I said or did things I didn’t. For context I do all our shopping and make a huge effort to meet his very particular requirements, even going to multiple supermarkets for items. I care if he’s happy. The only reason I wasn’t doing this supermarket run myself was because I’m poorly.

Funnily enough, as children are individuals, not an homogenous group, some don't like cookies

Especially as there's a huge variety.

Who knew?

Oh please.
I am a Christian. So is my dh. He would fall over laughing at this book from the worst of the 1950s

Doesn't matter how gentle her reminders are, he'll call her a nag.

@Muchof - try reading the op properly instead of skimming.

But as I saw it you asked for cookies in a particular colour packaging but said it didn't really matter anyway. He came back with alternative cookies and you blew a gasket!
She asked for specific ones due to dietary requirements which he knows about. She is allergic to certain ingredients. The not mattering was regarding if they had sold out, nothing to do with saying buy an alternative instead that will actually harm her).

@wohlarra your son sounds sweet and well-raised!

Do you have a food allergy?

Oh dear
Bangs head on desk in despair.
You have kids.
It is lunchtime.
One parent makes themsleves food and doesn't think to feed their kids.
But the other parent was supposed to ask them to do it because they are not mind readers.

No, they are a PARENT, and it is LUNCHTIME.

So in the real world where men and women parent equally it would go like this.

Man is hungry and wanders in to kitchen. Thinks, hmm lunchtime, goes into lounge and says - shall we have lunch? I could make cheese on toast?
Other parent - oh yes good idea, I'll round up the kids

See? 2 adults parenting the kids in the house.

The 'gentle reminder' assumes

1. they have never been asked before. Oh they have 100 times, but they refuse to give head space to this thought so don't do it.
2. that as an actual adult they should not parent, care about their partner or clean up after themsleves. Stop treating men as toddlers!

Jesus wept!

How much bloody pandering do women have to do??

AIBU To divorce him over cookies?

YANBU because he bought cookies that would have poisoned you and then accused you of lying about what you told him to buy.

Fin.

I suggest that you start a new thread in Relationships as that topic tends to attract a better crowd, including the occasional Women's Aid worker.

This sounds like me a few years ago. Dh highly competent in work environment. Utterly hopeless at home, I used to think he was sabotaging and gaslighting me. Tbh I think a lot of his responses to my frustrated nagging were verging on dishonest. We were in a very difficult situation and I think it was make-or-break. He couldn't do anything practical in the home, couldn't even do bits of shopping without getting it wrong. Constantly throwing things away that I needed or moving my things to unfathomable places. The more this happened the more angry I got and the worse his behaviours got.
What helped was:

1. found out/realised DH is dyspraxic. Also probably asd and definitely adhd. It was very useful for me to realise that he wasn't doing it on purpose and that was extremely helpful.
2. relationship counselling
3. me realising that he was not going to change, he was not going to ever be able to do these very normal things. I wanted a happy life with him, basically everything was my department.

No idea if any of this resonates for you, but good luck.

If you want him to pick up something maybe send him a text. Stops the gaslighting!

f you get worked up over biscuits what will you do when a really bad thing happens?

What? Of course I didn't get worked up over a packet of biscuits, how ridiculous
Bad things have happened in my life, so, no, I didn't get "worked up" over a packet of biscuits.

I answered your question, in my post:
Of course, I ended the relationship over much bigger issues, but the packet of biscuits was the final straw.

But to answer it more fully, you've completely missed the point.
The biscuits was the 'lightbulb' moment.

There were many many important things that were the actual reasons for ending the relationship.

You, and my ex, think the biscuits was "unimportant" but it was symptomatic of all the fundamental problems, and it became the moment when I realised that this wasnt the relationship for me.

MyFirstLittlePony · Today 07:40

You both sound as bad as eachother tbh

it does not sound like a fun relationship

so breaking up probably a good idea

Right, so 'D'H bringing his wife not what was specifically asked for but instead something which would poison her and getting all shitty when called to account makes HER as bad as him? FGS!

This thread should be made a Mumsnet classic.

found out/realised DH is dyspraxic. Also probably asd and definitely adhd.
It was very useful for me to realise that he wasn't doing it on purpose and that was extremely helpful.

Dyspraxia and autism and ADHD don't justify him moving or binning your stuff. And how come he could cope at work without doing these things? I'm autistic, we mask re social interactions but moving objects around isn't something that we need to mask about.

I suspect that you've been conned into settling for his crap.

WTF? It's OPs fault her husband is gaslighting her?

Just how horrible and nasty do you have to be to blame a woman for her abuse.

EDIT - @Thecookiecrazylady agree with others, repost in Relationships not here. You will get more nuanced and less stupid answers.

Marriage counselling might be a good idea - but I think the idea of couple counselling is to look at both sides - here we only see OP side of things.
Would OP be prepared to listen and address any issues that he has with her.
It not necessarily entirely his fault - she has been very honest about her own part in this situation - what she said etc and tbh she is probably like this over other minor issues too. In order for marriage counselling to work it would have to
Be approached by looking at both of them not just her listing his faults so she would have to accept that some of her reactions to situations might need to change as well. Counselling would only work if they both still love each other, otherwise they may be better off divorcing.not good for their children growing up with a mum that sounds very unhappy and stressed out over really minor issues

"I didn't get your text, Sainsbury's has crap signal" will be the next excuse.

Once more for the slow readers:

Buying cookies that would poison OP is not a "minor issue".

You might consider also looking the concept called "death by a thousand cuts".

Yet until recently they were the sex working in factories/warehouses picking and packing. Even now Amazon is staffed by predominantly men.
All the things other women will tell us that men can't do, has been done by men since the beginning of the world of work being created. In Muslim countries men used to do the cleaning/organising etc in the hotels. They still make up the majority in catering etc. Ship stores etc all organised by men.

I am sure you have, but asking anyway, have you pointed out to him that he can never say sorry to you? My DH seems/ seemed to have a blind spot about this. He could not say a simple "I'm sorry", he would go straight into defensive mode. It was automatic and then he would claim I was making a big deal and that he had actually said sorry. (He hadn't!)

In all other scenarios he is a lovely kind guy. It was just like a knee jerk reaction. I suspect he was brought up like this. He did become aware of it and asked me to let him know when he was doing it. He is better at it now but it sometimes sounds like he is reading from a script when he says it. I think this is his natural awkwardness rather than anything else.

I've asked him does it shame you to say I'm sorry, do you genuinely think it is impossible that you might balls up, forget something, accidently do something hurtful/ wrong? Do you think I get one over you if you say sorry? Do you not realise that I'm sorry tells me you think about my feelings? Can't quite get to the bottom of it. But he does see it is an issue.

Misandry alert!🔔

The majority of military quartermasters are male. Of course men can be great at this sort of thing... if they want to be.

That's weaponised incompetence. He got worse to your anger as a way of punishing you. What you are saying is that he could never live independently but went through a mainstream school, socialised enough to date and marry and holds down a decent job.

The point is that adults shouldn’t have to be asked to do basic household tasks! Stop trying to make these useless mens’ bad behaviour women’s fault. Leaving mess everywhere makes life stressful too.

This