To divorce him over cookies?!?!

[Thecookiecrazylady]

This has happened this morning and is tbh he norm if I ever ask him to get me stuff. Last time he told me they didn’t have wholemeal bread in Sainsbury’s so I jumped in the car and ofc they had an entire end aisle he’d just not looked.

Me: can you grab me some of the chocolate chip cookies in a brownish yellow bag from the free from section while you’re at Sainsburys. If they don’t have them that’s fine but if they do 👍🏻
Him: yeah no problem

Me:… what are those?
Him: your cookies
Me: No they’re not. I said brown/yellow bag these are in a bright purple box.
Him: they didn’t have the others
Me: but these ones aren’t dairy free
Him: yes they are
Me: it says ‘all butter’ on the box they’re just gluten free
Him: give them to the kids 🤷‍♀️ (kids won’t eat them)
Me: You just don’t even care do you? Can’t even make a basic effort to listen, give me a ring to check…or at least read the damn box to check whatever alternative you’re buying is safe for me.
Him: YOU SAID BROWN AND PURPLE BAG
Me: PURPLE NEVER LEFT MY MOUTH ONCE NEVER STOP GAS LIGHTING ME YOU ALWAYS DO THIS!
Him: I thought I had the right bloody ones!
Me: No you didn’t you literally answered ‘they didn’t have them’ when I asked about the brown bag ones. You knew you were buying an alternative and you didn’t even bother to check it was safe or check with me I wanted it. I didn’t even care about the cookies that much it’s just the way you behave. You are never wrong, you don’t give a crap and you turn everything around on me and it’s always my problem.

Ok it’s not just over cookies it’s a very ingrained pattern of ‘IDGAF’ behaviour that always gets turned around on me. Words put in my mouth, him claiming I said or did things I didn’t. For context I do all our shopping and make a huge effort to meet his very particular requirements, even going to multiple supermarkets for items. I care if he’s happy. The only reason I wasn’t doing this supermarket run myself was because I’m poorly.

I actually think this is worse than not caring about you or weaponised incompetence.

The gaslighting, obstinacy and turning things around you speak to a worrying need for dominance, fear of being wrong and nastiness.

I don't think you will have a happy life with this man.

I left my ex-husband because he touched the back of my leg. Of course that wasn’t the reason, it was just the final straw of when I couldn’t ignore his total lack of giving a shit about my feelings anymore. I had asked him since I’d met him to not touch a specific spot on my body during sex because I hate being touched there. I lost count of the number of times I asked him not to do it. He claimed to have ‘forgotten’ every time.

It’s just the lack of caring how it made me feel when he just ignored my request.

I kicked my ex out because he didn't empty the dishwasher. Of course it wasn't the dishwasher, it was everything else- he never apologised ever either. Like when he slammed my foot in the car door by accident. Refused to apologise- my foot shouldn't have been there. Continous gas lighting, not giving a shit about my feeling, refusing to go to marriage counselling until eventually when he called me mental in front of our children I'd had enough. It took me 25 years to be free. Have a good think OP x

Do the shopping online yourself.

How exactly is that a solution to the OP's DH being a prize dickhead?

Talk about totally and utterly missing the point....................🙄

🍪(dairy free)

@Thecookiecrazylady

habits can be changed, lack of love/care rarely changes over a sustained period of time.

Do you want him to bring back the correct biscuits, or do you want to feel loved & cared about??

I assume the latter, Sadly you're not going to feel like that with him. If you want that you're going to have to divorce him & meet someone new.

dont stay 'for the kids'. Speak to adults, none of them are happy/grateful for parents who stayed for them, its just a miserable childhood, no matter how you try to disguise it.

you deserve someone who makes you feel loved & happy.

That's weaponised incompetence. I could not be with a man who acted like this.

My DH is exactly the same. Constantly ignores what I ask for or 'accidentally' screws it up. Never an apology, just blame shifting and shutting me down. Or pretending he 'forgot'. Always the same refusal to apologise or take responsibility. Occasionally I think I've got through to him, but a few hours later it's as if I never said anything.

I thought I could cope with it - after all, it's just that thing or incident, no big deal - but over time it accumulates, all those things, and then there's some big things, with significant consequences, and you realise it really is driving you crazy and you can't take it any more. You get to the point where the short-term trauma of getting out will be far less the long-term trauma of staying in the relationship.

Was he like this before you chose to have children?

Does he show care for anything else that doesn’t affect him?
Some men would be thoughtful and get you a treat that they know you would like when sent to the supermarket.
Some men are competent and would just know what is needed at the supermarket and go without being asked.
Some men have compassion and would apologise if they made a mistake as they can see it means something to you.
This man seems to have none of these qualities so I cannot imagine he also has any care when it comes to organising time together like dates/holidays, managing relationships, doing housework, gift buying, or parenting.

XH was like this. My crunch moment was when I was crying (having a very difficult time following an accident) and I had to ask for a hug. He said he’d already comforted his sister that morning…gave me very half hearted hug! It seems he only had so much sympathy to go round and it didn’t extend to me. He’d do things like this. He’d damage something of mine and shrug like it wasn’t important..because it wasn’t, not to him! There were many jobs he saw as ‘mine’. Most of the mental load. He simultaneously put most of what needed on me whilst implying that I wouldn’t manage without him!
We didn’t split over any one thing, but I was a boiled frog and eventually I couldn’t take any more. 2 years on we are divorced and I am far happier.

There are much larger issues and only you know what's best for you in the long term, but in the short term just stop pandering to his food issues?
There are so many threads like the Roast dinner at 1pm one recently where I think Why don't the women just stop providing the very specific food that's demanded, it's the only way to make these men notice anything or have any incentive to change.

@NeurodivergentBurnout

This hit me hard.

Hubby a while ago, whilst I was very upset over a difficult day with our ASD son, responded to me asking ‘why can’t you ever just be kind or say anything nice and supportive’ by telling me very seriously ‘I told you I thought you were doing a good job last week!’ Apparently once a week is more than adequate for him to be nice to me

CBA is the word, or useless

I'm single probably because I'm too picky and had an emergency op
Sent my dad a food list. He returned with the entire shop, perfect and some other stuff because "it looked nice for you"
If I asked him to get a chicken he would only clarify if I meant hot counter or not
If a 75yo man can do it I expect other people to

If he wanted a chicken for himself, he wouldn't buy the wrong thing which says it all really

Is it possible he is also neuro divergent?

I assume he wasn't like this before you got married and had kids?

Someone always says this.

Neurodivergence is sometimes a reason for particular behaviours. But it is not an excuse. If the behaviour is problematic, and the person is ND, and the person is decent, then the person in question should try to find a solution.

If the behaviour is problematic, and the person is NT, then what you have is a knobhead. (Of course, there are also ND knobheads.)

That's not what the roast dinner thread was about though. Both that OP and her DH wanted the roast - she specifically said she'd make it even if she was by herself because she likes a roast dinner. The issue was merely waiting around for him or not, and she'd happily settled on not waiting. Nothing unhealthy about that.

I'd think the question is because the OP says she has a ND son, and usually it runs in families - often undiagnosed until later when kids get diagnosed, as people would say "that's normal everyone does it" but it's not, it's normal for you and your family - who happen to be ND

I always joke that if I send mine to the supermarket for bread, I'll get milk. I've had the wrong items so many times he now rings me from the shop to check if he's getting the right thing or what an appropriate alternative item would be.

He is, again, a very intelligent, successful man.

In his case though, he's not picky. If he told me he really fancied a ham sandwich and I handed him a lobster he'd just shrug and eat it. He kind of expects me to be the same but, as with you, I have to buy free from foods and they're so much trickier to navigate.

If I was to be going out of my way to get him what he likes, as you have been, I'd be way more pissed. Time to stop that, maybe?

As an aside - have you tried these? I have to grab some if I go in Sainsburys. SO good! Brown bag, too 😁

You should go to counselling now. Sadly it doesn't get better.

It's not about the cookie... its a death by 1,000 cuts and I've been there.

I left my ex (dad to my kids) because all my Xmas presents were shit. I'm genuinely not particularly materialistic, not into expensive brands etc but the lack of thought, effort etc just summed up the relationship.

It was the final straw and i inevitably thought I'm worth more than the obviously cheapest, coat in the shop, in a colour I have never and would never wear and two sizes too big... As dramatic as it sounds it was the realisation that the rest of my life would be with someone who just quite frankly didn't give a shit about anything that didn't benefit him...

I actually AM ND and it means that I take extra care when I am buying for other people, because I know that I'm apt to not pay attention and pick up the wrong thing because it's 'more or less like' the thing I've gone for. That's fine when I'm shopping for me, but if someone else has sent me out then I am very careful and make sure I read the labels. If they've asked me for something specific, there's a reason for that and I don't want to disappoint them.

Partner, child, neighbour, anyone. Could even be a stranger, I know I can be random so I TAKE CARE. Your DH, OP, takes less care over your shopping than I would take over a stranger's.

oh gosh, i'm going to try really hard to not be annoyed at DH when he phones me 5 times every supermarket trip in the future