To divorce him over cookies?!?!

[Thecookiecrazylady]

This has happened this morning and is tbh he norm if I ever ask him to get me stuff. Last time he told me they didn’t have wholemeal bread in Sainsbury’s so I jumped in the car and ofc they had an entire end aisle he’d just not looked.

Me: can you grab me some of the chocolate chip cookies in a brownish yellow bag from the free from section while you’re at Sainsburys. If they don’t have them that’s fine but if they do 👍🏻
Him: yeah no problem

Me:… what are those?
Him: your cookies
Me: No they’re not. I said brown/yellow bag these are in a bright purple box.
Him: they didn’t have the others
Me: but these ones aren’t dairy free
Him: yes they are
Me: it says ‘all butter’ on the box they’re just gluten free
Him: give them to the kids 🤷‍♀️ (kids won’t eat them)
Me: You just don’t even care do you? Can’t even make a basic effort to listen, give me a ring to check…or at least read the damn box to check whatever alternative you’re buying is safe for me.
Him: YOU SAID BROWN AND PURPLE BAG
Me: PURPLE NEVER LEFT MY MOUTH ONCE NEVER STOP GAS LIGHTING ME YOU ALWAYS DO THIS!
Him: I thought I had the right bloody ones!
Me: No you didn’t you literally answered ‘they didn’t have them’ when I asked about the brown bag ones. You knew you were buying an alternative and you didn’t even bother to check it was safe or check with me I wanted it. I didn’t even care about the cookies that much it’s just the way you behave. You are never wrong, you don’t give a crap and you turn everything around on me and it’s always my problem.

Ok it’s not just over cookies it’s a very ingrained pattern of ‘IDGAF’ behaviour that always gets turned around on me. Words put in my mouth, him claiming I said or did things I didn’t. For context I do all our shopping and make a huge effort to meet his very particular requirements, even going to multiple supermarkets for items. I care if he’s happy. The only reason I wasn’t doing this supermarket run myself was because I’m poorly.

They just don't get it, do they? Tunnel vision.

I don't think you are being unreasonable at all. It is hurtful and if this is constant it will bring you down. I think it can be fixed, if he wants it to be fixed. Like others have said marriage counselling. My husband and I married young and was very similar. It took a few years but when I nearly left my husband finally go it. He grew up in a house hold where no one apologised and it showed! He was also inconsiderate of my feelings. We both had things to address in the ways we behaved and finally got through it and things are good now. But he needs to want to address it to. Tell him you want counselling (or their are things you can look up online and work through together if money is an issue.) We didn't have counselling but we did this by researching etc, plus my psych degrees helped. It is doable. But don't put up with it if he won't even entertain trying to change or listen to you. Hugs to you though as I know how much this hurts ❤️

OP knows which cookies she can/cannot eat. If she sees bad cookies, she doesn't eat them. If she sees nice cookies she does eat them. It's not rocket science, do not try and make it a life/death scenario. It's not.

Let's say OP's husband is a doctor and does deal with lots of very difficult situations. He frames the problem of "I bought the wrong cookies" alongside everything else he had to deal with that day/week. At the same time, he doesn't want to load his wife with the emotional baggage that comes with being a doctor.

His internal dialogue - Yeah. Cookies. A woman died today, leaving children without their mother.

Very strong "first world problem" vibes and all Mumsnetters can do is goad her into considering divorce because of some inattention.

Maybe it's his way of hinting OP should skip the cookies🤷‍♂️

The point about big stuff was beyond your understanding. OP is unhappy about lots of things, including cookies. Instead of telling us about it - tell him. See a marriage counselor. Arrange date night. Spend time together. Talking to the witches coven will not help

@itsonlysubterfuge I have a diagnosis of autism, which is why the comment irked me so much.

At the same time, he doesn't want to load his wife with the emotional baggage that comes with being a doctor.

OP hasn't confirmed he's a doctor though. He could be an air traffic controller or something. Most of them don't witness a single death in their entire career!

Did you happen to miss the part where she's allergic to the cookies he brought her home? Luckily she's got a dairy allergy and not a deathly peanut allergy. But say she did. Would him applying the same lack of care about whether she could eat them and bringing home something with her allergen in be acceptable to you then?

And what if he's not a doctor? What if he's something responsible but much lower paid like a PCSO? Would him wasting money buy cookies no one will eat be acceptable? Even if he's a consultant at the top of his pay grade, why is it acceptable for him to waste food and money because he couldn't take two seconds to look? Because the poor man had a big day?

You'll find female doctors are completely capable of doing their job and then also looking after their family. Why does the same expectation not apply to male doctors in your mind? Lack of a vagina?

Luckily she's got a dairy allergy and not a deathly peanut allergy.

Milk allergy can kill (especially in children) and peanut allergy can be mild.

as long as neither partner attempts to gaslight or employ DARVO tactics

Which OP's husband already did. Re-read your own posts whilst keeping in mind that he has already used DARVO and perhaps you might understand the anger that I've expressed to you.

He has denied buying the wrong biscuits, attacked her by accusing her of telling him the wrong thing, and made himself the victim and her, for whom those biscuits are poison, the offender.

If he can make such a mistake about a food allergy, I don't trust him as a doctor.

I doubt that that poster's mum is happy.

Millions of new widows each year take up new hobbies and social groups because they finally have the time to.

I'm autistic and I so far have managed to cook entire gluten- and dairy-free cakes for bake sales and bought food for my dairy-allergic stbxbil without poisoning anyone.

It's not hard for someone with driving-legal eyesight to read a food wrapper. The allergens are even conveniently highlighted with bold text.

Please tell me you're a bloke?

Because you are so missing the point (deliberately?)

And you had full and complete answers as to why your posts were very wrong - as you constantly made it the woman's job. In your eyes it wasn't the man's responsibility. After all, why should he think that his children might need feeding at lunchtime?

Hilarious

Love to hear your other-half's view

And there is nothing funny about your partner ignoring your requests because they don't care.

Option three: CHRIS003 is the OP's DH...

"Laugh it off". Because buying someone food that will make them ill is sooo funny...

Edited because quoted wrong poster

Correction: CHRIS003 · Today 11:28

Same here - been together happily for 30+ years and agree with what you say in this post - give and take on both sides and I would add humour too! It does sound like couples today forget that small issues can be dealt by having a sense of humour - how different this op situation would have been if she had simply laughed it off. That's what I would have done !

In other words your relationship is completely different to OP's. So it's irrelevant - OP's bloke has no sense of humour, anyway, it seems.

This poster should be ignored. They are either the DH himself or they are completely lacking in any reading ability and comprehension skills (or possibly all of these things!).

I know that. I was describing extremes to make a point to a particularly facetious poster who thinks buying someone food they're allergic to is fine because poor man had a hard day at his work.

Fine, but not everyone reading your post will know it. It's a common misconception that nut or peanut (or maybe shellfish) allergies are the really serious ones, and other food allergies aren't so much of a big deal. That misconception can put people at risk, so I felt it worth saying.

Ffs raise your bar. Men are just as capable of these things as women

DH does the food shopping in our house. Also cooking. Turns out men aren't always shite shoppers. He's been doing it for 2 decades and none of us is dead.

Sounds a tad like psychological abuse to me 🤔

My situation is identical. The other day my husband asked me if I wanted a sandwich. I've spent 20 years telling him I hate sandwiches. Each instance seems to trivial, but it adds up to a mountain. And yes, mine runs a business too.

Yeah, Chris, clearly you haven't lived with a man like the DH of @RecycleMePlease .

Gentle reminder to him - next time you are cooking could you please ask me if I want anything too.

He'll ignore it.

Oh and by the way - could you please make sure you don't get chilli flakes everywhere- if you spill something wipe it up.

He'll get mardy and resentful that you even mentioned it, then ignore it and carry on as usual.

Why are you saying he is not a decent person if he doesn't do these things

Because decent people don't ignore their partner's needs and wishes.