To divorce him over cookies?!?!

[Thecookiecrazylady]

This has happened this morning and is tbh he norm if I ever ask him to get me stuff. Last time he told me they didn’t have wholemeal bread in Sainsbury’s so I jumped in the car and ofc they had an entire end aisle he’d just not looked.

Me: can you grab me some of the chocolate chip cookies in a brownish yellow bag from the free from section while you’re at Sainsburys. If they don’t have them that’s fine but if they do 👍🏻
Him: yeah no problem

Me:… what are those?
Him: your cookies
Me: No they’re not. I said brown/yellow bag these are in a bright purple box.
Him: they didn’t have the others
Me: but these ones aren’t dairy free
Him: yes they are
Me: it says ‘all butter’ on the box they’re just gluten free
Him: give them to the kids 🤷‍♀️ (kids won’t eat them)
Me: You just don’t even care do you? Can’t even make a basic effort to listen, give me a ring to check…or at least read the damn box to check whatever alternative you’re buying is safe for me.
Him: YOU SAID BROWN AND PURPLE BAG
Me: PURPLE NEVER LEFT MY MOUTH ONCE NEVER STOP GAS LIGHTING ME YOU ALWAYS DO THIS!
Him: I thought I had the right bloody ones!
Me: No you didn’t you literally answered ‘they didn’t have them’ when I asked about the brown bag ones. You knew you were buying an alternative and you didn’t even bother to check it was safe or check with me I wanted it. I didn’t even care about the cookies that much it’s just the way you behave. You are never wrong, you don’t give a crap and you turn everything around on me and it’s always my problem.

Ok it’s not just over cookies it’s a very ingrained pattern of ‘IDGAF’ behaviour that always gets turned around on me. Words put in my mouth, him claiming I said or did things I didn’t. For context I do all our shopping and make a huge effort to meet his very particular requirements, even going to multiple supermarkets for items. I care if he’s happy. The only reason I wasn’t doing this supermarket run myself was because I’m poorly.

I admire your honesty in this post - I would be inclined to be on the side of your husband - poor guy must be scared of putting a foot wrong - I think if you still love him and you still want him in your life you need to calm down a bit and learn what battles to fight. Being like this over minor issues will build up and drive him away eventually. I have been happily married for over 30 years and what you are describing is a minor issue - that you have blown up at him about.
If you wanted to be sure that the right product was being bought then go and buy it yourself !

Are 50% of men absolutely useless as husbands?

Yes. And it's often a choice. When my mum left my dad, the custody was split. Suddenly the man who couldn't cook, didn't hoover etc learned to do all these things! Really pissed my mum off because if he'd done these things during the marriage, she wouldn't have left.

Maybe it's time to try a different approach?

Yes, it is. 100% of women don't need men around. The different approach that I recommend is that if your husband isn't stepping up, get rid. Your life will be better.

Was the reason your dad didn't do the hoovering and cleaning when they were married because he couldn't or did he just not bother to offer because he wouldn't do it the way she wanted it done ?
Sometimes men don't do stuff at home because if they don't do the housework cooking etc to their partners standard they get berated for it and therefore they stop helping because they don't want to be nagged at.
They end up being treated the way OP is treating her Dh.

I don't think I would get long-term excited about a packet of biscuits. My DH (who is currently in ITU) strips the fridge of things 'I am not using' to make soup, which he eats more than I do unless he doesn't put a chicken carcase in it (hate bones in soup). I do not get excited about this. It seems very much that everyone vocalises every little niggle these days and it wrecks relationships. Compromise is central to a relationship, not eating the oreos really isn't. I have had many shit days (I was a teacher) and sat crying about it and resented DH not helping but that did not mean he was not sympathetic and supportive. He supported me all the way to a tribunal because a boy threw a book at me, but he did not get worked up about it, apart from telling me to complain loudly. His apparent indifference to my annoyance about food in the fridge or being upset by work were/are not what they appear on the surface. Eating your biscuits was not a mark of not caring but of thinking unimportant things are unimportant, because they are unimportant. If you get worked up over biscuits what will you do when a really bad thing happens?

If its just about cookies then YABU. Sounds like it is def more than that. Whats the real reason behind the resentment from both of you?

My dh is bad at shopping, and is also probably neurodivergant.

But the big difference is that he would

1. phone me and say he can't find them and ask.
2. make decsions to substitute that are based on what he knows we actually eat and like, even if it isn't ideal.
3. Never ever in a million years bring me something to eat that I am allergic too, because he cares about me and wouldn't do that.

And that is the difference isn't it? He cares and therefore does what is needed for the family.

It is basic human to human thought and care.
Living with someone who doesn't get that is soul destroying.

If I sent my DH for something specific I would take a photo of the one I wanted!

Somebody else with very low standards.

Mine would go especially, and make sure he had the right thing. Just as I would for him.

Jesus Christ, it's not about the biscuits! Eventually, the weight of little things gets you down.

I was completely on board with "don't sweat the small stuff", I have low housework skills - I was pitifully grateful if he did anything around the house, to any standard because he did so little and I had so much on with job and kids - eventually though, you realise that all this small stuff, that would have taken a tiny, tiny bit of effort from him to do properly is actually him showing you how little he cares and how much he takes you for granted and how entitled he feels to your labour, to save himself putting any effort in.

Anyone who can't see that, is very lucky to be in a relationship where the volume of small stuff is so low, that it can disappear into all the good stuff they do, rather than being the majority of your interaction.

My god, the misogynists are out in force this morning, aren't they?

Yes, OP, you are definitely in the wrong, either because a) a woman's role is to surrender herself and her boundaries, and to accept that of course she can't expect a man to consider her needs the way she considers his, and frankly she is lucky to have a man at all - or b) because men are puppies or toddlers or [insert other charming non-adult metaphor here] and are simply incapable of being decent functional grown-ups. And therefore get a free pass to be shits.

You know what? It doesn't fucking matter whether expecting better from a man is realistic or not (FWIW, it is perfectly realistic, although possibly not from the same man). The OP can expect better from her life, which doesn't need to have a substandard, selfish, entitled wanker in it.

And anyone who thinks this is about a packet of biscuits needs to go back and read the OP's (and other people's) responses with more attention. This is not about a mistake, this is about a pattern.

I actually remember welling up when I walked into the kitchen that I'd just cleaned and wiped down, to discover he'd made himself some food (just himself, not me or the kids) and left chilli flakes all over the counter and the packets left on the side above the bin again. All he would have needed to do is spend 30 seconds putting the wrapper in the bin, and sweeping the chilly flakes into his hand (or the floor, even the floor would have been fine - we have a robot hoover), but even that was too much effort for him

And there! See how low my bar had got? A decent person would have made lunch for us all, not just himself and tidied up after himself.

I've reported your post, obnoxious cretin.

Well said

men are not great at this type of thing

so, men who can send rocket ships to mars, calibrate a machine, fix a complex engine, manage people at work, organise a meeting, lead a team, write a report etc etc etc
This men cannot read a packet of biscuits to see if they are dairy free?

It is just not true to say men are not great at this.
What is true is that many men cannot be bothered to give enough of their time and attention to the details of their home life. Because it is not important enough for them.
What does that say about what they think of you as their partner?

Such a low bar. A relationship should contain mutual care and respect. I recently hurt my knee. My dh immediately changed his plans and working day so that he can walk our dog every morning for the next 6 weeks. Without any drama he just stepped up to what needed to be done. Because he cares for me.

I am obviously missing the backstory that other people seem to have been able to obtain from your first post. But as I saw it you asked for cookies in a particular colour packaging but said it didn't really matter anyway. He came back with alternative cookies and you blew a gasket! And then he goes back to the shop gets the correct cookies and you still have a go at him. I would have said exactly as he said, that you won't let things go. I think you are at least part of the problem, this is an absolutely ludicrous over reaction to cookies. I know people are saying things like straw that broke the camel's back, but I can only go off this cookie incident.

But you definitely should divorce because it is not sounding like either of you are very happy.

Neither. He chose not to bother because he'd rather do something else.

I'm talking about the kind of man who would leave his briefcase in the living room doorway, in the way of anyone wanting to go through the door, night after night despite being told not to. Post-divorce, he kept a boat engine in the middle of the kitchen floor.

Sometimes men don't do stuff at home because if they don't do the housework cooking etc to their partners standard

Then you use your words like a grown-up to determine a mutually-acceptable standard. You don't go on strike like a stroppy toddler.

What you call "nagging" is her trying to use her words to solve a problem.

Your post is a textbook example of rule one.

@Kosenrufugirl Yeah, nah. I don't know if you're a Christian, but I am, and that nonsense doesn't wash with me. Men and women are equal, and husbands are called upon to love their wives as Christ loved the church. Giving your wife cookies that she's allergic to seems pretty shoddy to me.

I hear you OP, loud and clear. It's one of the main reasons I've started divorce proceedings. After 30 years its not even about him not caring enough, or even the weaponised incompetence. That ship sailed ten years ago. It's the outright sabotage, the anger when I'm not grateful because he bought or did something "similar" as that should be enough. His refusal to apologise even when he's physically hurt me. Like pp above, I should have moved my foot away from the car door quicker, or moved out of his way in the kitchen. Never his fault.

If you ignore and accept the cba attitude now it will eventually slide into emotional and mental abuse. Don't do that. Either get counselling and work on your marriage together - and he has to really want to, or start planning to leave.

@Muchof A particular kind of cookie or none because OP has a dairy allergy. He came home with cookies that would poison her and then pretended it wasn't a big deal.

Which part of he bought her food that would poison her do you fail to understand?

Totally agree with this. This book above all made me realise I can NOT change another person's behaviour. I can only change mine. It also made me realise that we were in a toxic cycle of me treating DH like a child and him acting like one...I honestly couldn't tell you which came first.

When I changed my approach to communicating with him it really did make a difference. He does care...a lot! I really recommend this book.

Your username is quite pertinent.

Have you read ALL the OP's posts?

It's not about the cookies

No. We read all her posts.

Much often comes out as threads develop

Did you ask him to make you and the kids something to eat ?
That's the point - men are not mind readers. Yes he should have cleaned up.
Gentle reminder to him - next time you are cooking could you please ask me if I want anything too. Oh and by the way - could you please make sure you don't get chilli flakes everywhere- if you spill something wipe it up - include your kids in this too if they old enough no need to shout and turn in to anything major !
Why are you saying he is not a decent person if he doesn't do these things - your response says a lot about how stressful you are making life for yourself within the family

There's misandry, huge amounts of misandry as well. The idea that the poor menz are childlike idiots who need everything done for them and can't even read a biscuit packet to check for the phrase "dairy free" is pure misandry.

Of course they can. They just don't prioritise their wives not being literally poisoned.