To divorce him over cookies?!?!

[Thecookiecrazylady]

This has happened this morning and is tbh he norm if I ever ask him to get me stuff. Last time he told me they didn’t have wholemeal bread in Sainsbury’s so I jumped in the car and ofc they had an entire end aisle he’d just not looked.

Me: can you grab me some of the chocolate chip cookies in a brownish yellow bag from the free from section while you’re at Sainsburys. If they don’t have them that’s fine but if they do 👍🏻
Him: yeah no problem

Me:… what are those?
Him: your cookies
Me: No they’re not. I said brown/yellow bag these are in a bright purple box.
Him: they didn’t have the others
Me: but these ones aren’t dairy free
Him: yes they are
Me: it says ‘all butter’ on the box they’re just gluten free
Him: give them to the kids 🤷‍♀️ (kids won’t eat them)
Me: You just don’t even care do you? Can’t even make a basic effort to listen, give me a ring to check…or at least read the damn box to check whatever alternative you’re buying is safe for me.
Him: YOU SAID BROWN AND PURPLE BAG
Me: PURPLE NEVER LEFT MY MOUTH ONCE NEVER STOP GAS LIGHTING ME YOU ALWAYS DO THIS!
Him: I thought I had the right bloody ones!
Me: No you didn’t you literally answered ‘they didn’t have them’ when I asked about the brown bag ones. You knew you were buying an alternative and you didn’t even bother to check it was safe or check with me I wanted it. I didn’t even care about the cookies that much it’s just the way you behave. You are never wrong, you don’t give a crap and you turn everything around on me and it’s always my problem.

Ok it’s not just over cookies it’s a very ingrained pattern of ‘IDGAF’ behaviour that always gets turned around on me. Words put in my mouth, him claiming I said or did things I didn’t. For context I do all our shopping and make a huge effort to meet his very particular requirements, even going to multiple supermarkets for items. I care if he’s happy. The only reason I wasn’t doing this supermarket run myself was because I’m poorly.

Honestly he wont change. I’m 20 years in and have just kept getting over and on with it because of the children and finances. But it kills the love, gives the ick and I’ve spent best part of the morning fantasising about a lotto win and getting out. My son has asd and my husband presents in so many ways too as asd but it’s no excuse to keep getting it wrong time and time again. He just can’t see things from another’s perspective and I’ve realised he never will because he can’t. Every word you’ve written could have been me - the exact same conversation I’ve had on his return from the shop and it’s always my fault, I’m never happy, I’m always telling him he’s got wrong stuff. YES because you always do.
it’s either not in stock , or he forgot.
It has to be more than can’t be bothered surely but I can’t when out why. If I’d had the money I’d have left when kids were small. Other than that we run along ok and as long as there isn’t demands on him he’s fine but life isn’t demand free and I want a partner not another teenager.

Sorry op- I’m no help but don’t stay and regret it another 15 years down the line if you want something different from your relationship.

https://www.nimblefins.co.uk/divorce-statistics-uk

Not true. Aside from one particular year, divorce rates are getting lower

I’m not making excuses at all for him, but my DH often muddles words and we have miscommunications because he’s dyslexic. If I asked this of him he’d probably send me a WhatsApp checking which cookies or get a couple of packets to be sure he hadn’t mis-remembered.

It’s not the action of forgetting which colour packet, it’s everything that followed that makes your DH seem like he doesn’t care.

As @minou123 says: 'My feelings, things I cared about, meant nothing to him'.

That's it exactly, for me. These little things build up over time. The resentment festers and grows with every instance. You might end up despising him for it.

And here's the killer - he won't change.

Personally i'd give him a chance first and by chance... I mean do it back. Put the same amount of effort into him and any requests he makes. He'll either have a eureka moment, or leave. In the background get your assets in order.

Not the P you’re responding to, but I have a similar problem because of ADHD. Why don’t I make a list? Sometimes it’s because my brain tells me I don’t need to, that I’m only looking for a small number of items (sometimes only one), and how could I possibly forget? Sometimes I make a list but forget to take it with me. Sometimes I make a list, take it with me, but don’t look at it.

One of the reasons I left my ex was because he was very irresponsible with important life admin things (am being deliberately vague). When it all came to a head he demanded a list of these things he hadn't done. I rattled off a few and his response was 'but that's ridiculous, I could sort all those things out tomorrow'. Ex-fucking-xactly. These things aren't that hard to do, but when they can't be bothered to do them for you (for months/years) it's a big problem.

Do none of you have online shopping ? Just tick the no substitution box and you won't receive the incorrect item. That solves one element.

However it doesn't solve the dh/dp problem you are experiencing. IME if something has been lost/misplaced or needs to be a specific item , men are mostly incapable of seeing/finding/identifying it as well as understanding why it frustrates us so much. Probably goes right back to the days when their task was to find something large and fleshy, chuck a spear at it and bring it back meanwhile congratulating themselves on "providing". Or it could just be that they know if they do something badly enough that we will eventually stop asking and do it ourselves.

The above was meant to be light hearted but the gaslightling and hostility isn't. There is a difference between just being useless and turning it into a serious issue. Don't let them away with it

A good proportion of those that stay married may well be absolutely useless too, but their unfortunate wives some how put up with it.

Neurodivergency isn't an excuse for being incompetent and refusing to apologise for mistakes.

A neurodivergent person who is capable of holding down a job is capable of buying a correct packet of biscuits.

And when she's ill because her "D“H has bought cookies that she's allergic to, what then?

It is normal and proper for women to set and enforce boundaries. Take your religious misogyny elsewhere.

it was a packet of cookies, not some essential medicine item, I’m sure you managed to live without them.

Well of course Op would manage without them-hence why she said "If they don’t have them that’s fine"

Instead he got her something that she couldn't actually eat due to the ingredients!

So he either doesn't know what she can/can't eat or doesn't care enough to read the box/packet.

He is either doing it deliberately or he has a bad memory.

Just text him what you want so he can't deny what you said.

She has 12st of useless husband to lose, which would IMO be a good thing.

She has her health to lose because of her allergy.

You really haven't grasped what's actually going on here have you.
You would have done better to stick to your username and infact not comment at all.
It's so bloody obvious it's not about a packet of cookies.

This is so familiar, I could have written something very similar to the OP myself. It's part of the reason I will be getting divorced in 2024.

One of the other things I'm looking forward to leaving behind is this scenario (for context, we've been together for 12 years):
H buys me something I don't like, which he knows I don't like, as we have had that conversation many times before.
Me: thanks for the thought but I don't really like that
H: hurty feelz face, clearly I am a mean and ungrateful cow and it's his sad lot to be married to me
Me: realty tired of the sense that I am supposed to be grateful for his 'thoughtfulness'

This is also a man who has run his own business with multiple offices and staff. Perfectly capable.

Ops husband kept telling her she’d said something she hadn’t, so it looked as if she’s the one in the wrong. I unfortunately have a lot of experience with gaslighting and that seems pretty textbook gaslighting in my opinion 🤷‍♀️ she’s not being unreasonable in the slightest.

Because people are ablist twats who think autistic people who are capable of holding down jobs cannot follow a shopping list.

Because under patriarchy, every kind of shitty male behaviour has some kind of excuse for it.

If you had read the OP's posts, you'd know that yes, actually, she is allergic to dairy.

You'd also know that he refused to acknowledge fault and went for DARVO.

He could just use his words and say "I don't want to go to the supermarket" like an adult.

Of course not. It's only ever women who are expected to change their behaviour.

She doesn't need to meet another guy. Women need men like fish need bicycles.

Hmmm, he doesn’t have any allergies he’s just extremely particular and fussy. Which tbh annoys me even more because I go to that effort purely for his enjoyment whereas he won’t even read some packaging to ensure an item is allergy safe for me .

Just stop pandering to his fussiness when he clearly doesn't give a shit about you.

But it DOES matter.

Why would you get something they may not like or want when it's just as easy to get the right thing?

There are some decent blokes out there - but in my experience they're rare.

Even the ones that put on good behaviour at first, seem to relax into the role of entitled man very easily (without wishing to go into 'love languages' I'm someone who is scattered, so I have to put the effort into being super-organised or it all goes to hell, and my partners benefit from that because I soon start doing all their admin/routines for them, and they invariably take their hands off the wheel and let me with nothing in return until I burn out)

All this 'men are like puppies' 'men don't like being told what to do' 'men just don't see dirt' etc. is ridiculous. Men need to step up their game and women need to raise the bar. Men choose to be like this, and are supported by society (and a few posters here) in this behaviour.

I have sons. It's one of my niggling worries, that by being how I am, I'm prepping them to be another generation of entitled partner, and so I work hard to delegate authority/have them take responsibility/encourage empathy to try and stop that.