To divorce him over cookies?!?!

[Thecookiecrazylady]

This has happened this morning and is tbh he norm if I ever ask him to get me stuff. Last time he told me they didn’t have wholemeal bread in Sainsbury’s so I jumped in the car and ofc they had an entire end aisle he’d just not looked.

Me: can you grab me some of the chocolate chip cookies in a brownish yellow bag from the free from section while you’re at Sainsburys. If they don’t have them that’s fine but if they do 👍🏻
Him: yeah no problem

Me:… what are those?
Him: your cookies
Me: No they’re not. I said brown/yellow bag these are in a bright purple box.
Him: they didn’t have the others
Me: but these ones aren’t dairy free
Him: yes they are
Me: it says ‘all butter’ on the box they’re just gluten free
Him: give them to the kids 🤷‍♀️ (kids won’t eat them)
Me: You just don’t even care do you? Can’t even make a basic effort to listen, give me a ring to check…or at least read the damn box to check whatever alternative you’re buying is safe for me.
Him: YOU SAID BROWN AND PURPLE BAG
Me: PURPLE NEVER LEFT MY MOUTH ONCE NEVER STOP GAS LIGHTING ME YOU ALWAYS DO THIS!
Him: I thought I had the right bloody ones!
Me: No you didn’t you literally answered ‘they didn’t have them’ when I asked about the brown bag ones. You knew you were buying an alternative and you didn’t even bother to check it was safe or check with me I wanted it. I didn’t even care about the cookies that much it’s just the way you behave. You are never wrong, you don’t give a crap and you turn everything around on me and it’s always my problem.

Ok it’s not just over cookies it’s a very ingrained pattern of ‘IDGAF’ behaviour that always gets turned around on me. Words put in my mouth, him claiming I said or did things I didn’t. For context I do all our shopping and make a huge effort to meet his very particular requirements, even going to multiple supermarkets for items. I care if he’s happy. The only reason I wasn’t doing this supermarket run myself was because I’m poorly.

Reading you other replies he needs therapy. There is a name for it (I have forgotten) where people literally cannot be wrong, can't apologize etc (not narcissist before someone suggests it's something totally different) either way, if he presents this behaviour in front of your children too, they are likely to go the same way. Don't get me wrong my hubby can be like this sometimes, however the next day I always get an apology if one is required. Have you told him how you feel? Or do you think there's no point as he would turn it back on you? Honestly, what ever decision you make must be entirely your own but he does sound like he can't even put in a basic effort to do no something nice for you. I'm sorry

It is not about the cookies is about all the rest. Yes you can divorce.

You are

You both sound as bad as eachother tbh

it does not sound like a fun relationship

so breaking up probably a good idea

Men are not great at this sort of thing. Fine you want to move on but don't expect the next guy you meet to be any better.

Ridiculous comment. My husband will always try and get what I asked for, and if the stuff is unavailable he will send photos otherwise of possible alternatives. I will do the same for him. He isn't unusual or a saint and neither am I. Just considerate and decent people.

Get out before you invest any more time and energy into this total jeb end.

Honestly OP, this will never improve. Not a chance. Even if you went to marriage counselling, he might put a bit of effort in for a while to gag you for a bit but he will backslide in months. It's just who and what he is. He does not give the tiniest shit about you. You are a domestic device and nothing more.

As for him being competent at work. I doubt he is but there isn't the emotion attached so he gets away with it or, his work interests him so he has vested interest in getting it right. Your wellbeing does not interest him so he behaves the way he does.

Once there is resentment on both sides as there is here, it's hopeless

'the crap cup of tea ' when my brother was 10 he told me his theory on the crap cup of tea...he decided to make really bad cups of tea for mum and dad so that they wouldn't ask him. It's selfish and shows lack of care.
Of course it's just cookies, no Biggie but the lack of care is what stings.

I realise that there is a lot more going on, and I like to think that I would be better when it came to an allergy, but I get the ‘wrong’ thing from the supermarket all the time. As far as I’m concerned, chocolate is chocolate (for example) and I get what I can see or perhaps what’s on offer. Sometimes I mean to get one flavour and actually pick up an entirely different one. It’s funny because my DH has on occasion suggested that it’s because I don’t care enough about him but I can tell you that’s absolutely not the case. I just don’t totally focus in the supermarket. I do apologise but it may not sound very sincere because I just can’t see what difference it makes. My DH only occasionally makes a fuss, because he recognises that he could go himself if it was that important to him. Oh and he would definitely send me pictures from the supermarket to check that he was getting the right thing, but if he actually came home with chicken breasts instead of a whole chicken I’d just make something with the chicken breasts.

Time to look for a good solicitor methinks.

Against the grain here but he tried to get you cookies, just the wrong ones, he then went back and got you the right ones but you still had a go at him, maybe a "thankyou, appreciate that" but now he just thinks "whats the point, whatever i do she has a go"

Men are like puppies, they respond to encouragement, not being told off when they eventually get it right.

You said you always do the shopping, maybe you shouldn't? maybe he should be doing it more often, complete with mistakes, he wont learn otherwise.

Plus People with highly responsible jobs or have to behave in a certain way often go the opposite way at home, they can't keep up the front 24/7.

Jesus Christ 🙄

Marriage counselling. If he won’t go then leave him. It’s not going to get better despite the fact he reluctantly went back to get the correct cookies.

What the hell. Raise your bar.

What the actual fuck is going on here this morning? Recommendations for ‘The Surrendered Wife’ and bleats of Men are like puppies, they respond to encouragement, not being told off when they eventually get it right

Did I fall asleep last night and wake up in the 1950s?

Totally agree you sound so over the top to me, you’re making a mountain out of a molehill, it was a packet of cookies, not some essential medicine item, I’m sure you managed to live without them.

50% of marriages end up in divorce these days. Are 50% of men absolutely useless as husbands? Maybe it's time to try a different approach?

if you have an ASD child it’s likely he’s also ASD and/or ADHD. It reminds me so much of my OH and I have a child with ASD & ADHD. He sometimes is crap because he doesn’t like the demands - PDA possibly. But he’s also got a brain like a sieve and it’s not deliberate in the main.

We’re over 15 years in and it’s taken a lot of adjustment and communication to get it smoother but it’s still hard at times. I send photos of the product I want. I never get presents, or it will be really shit, unless I send a link. But he makes up for it in other ways and I’ve lowered my expectations. It was harder when the kids were small. It’s not the life I’d have chosen given all the facts but we’re happy enough for now. He stepped up a lot when I backed away for health reasons - does the shopping, cooking and laundry. I still do all the planning and most admin. We’d never have moved house, renovated or gone on holiday if left to him.

Him: give them to the kids 🤷‍♀️ (kids won’t eat them)

Just gone into a parallel universe there... you kids wont eat the cookies??? Why?

Are there kids on earth that wont eat cookies?!

Am presuming it isnt a dietary thing as you said "won't, not "can't" . Mine were like a feeding frenzy in an aquarium when they sniffed fresh cookies around

I dumped my nasty, abusive, controlling, narcissistic husband of 15 years over a tea towel.

There may have been slightly more involved.

My dh once came back from a huge Asda, saying they didn’t have any loo cleaner. No, none at all! Yes, of course he’d looked properly!

Another time he came back with pork mince when I’d clearly written beef.

Ditto a pork joint, when I’d clearly written gammon. ‘I thought it was gammon, he said, all injured.
It’s not that he tries to get out of doing any shopping - he actually likes it.

I was once exasperated enough to ask him whether he can actually read - this is a man with more than one lot of letters after his name.

Men can be brilliant at this, if they care enough.

To put it in perspective, my DP managed to do the shopping through covid lockdowns all by himself (remember the stupid rule of only 1 person from the family doing the shopping? ) if he didnt know he guessed, if even the next potential item wasnt in stock he called to say I.e no whole chickens, no chicken at all even, so if I buy minced beef, what else do you need to make a meal. Because he cared what we ate or that we ate something.

I had terrible menopause symptoms back then and periods were fucking awful. I asked him to get a range of sanitary stuff. He googled, asked what brand, took pictures of what I had, asked about the difference between night time or extra absorbent, long/short, bamboo/cotton and more. Because he cared that I was having a bad time and wanted to make it easy for me. He also managed to visit a few places for painkillers for me.

Because he cared.

Good men do exist.

Oh my god! You sound just like me! I put up with that for 25 years! It gets worse I promise. He always lied about things he couldn't be bothered with. I ended up leaving him due to him caring more about himself and his friends. Get rid and find someone who cares about these little things, because he sounds like he just can't be arsed. X

I very much got that impression too.
Shopping is beneath him and you will get what your given and should be happy.
What a selfish and dismissive man.
Do you want to spend the rest of your life like this?