To divorce him over cookies?!?!

[Thecookiecrazylady]

This has happened this morning and is tbh he norm if I ever ask him to get me stuff. Last time he told me they didn’t have wholemeal bread in Sainsbury’s so I jumped in the car and ofc they had an entire end aisle he’d just not looked.

Me: can you grab me some of the chocolate chip cookies in a brownish yellow bag from the free from section while you’re at Sainsburys. If they don’t have them that’s fine but if they do 👍🏻
Him: yeah no problem

Me:… what are those?
Him: your cookies
Me: No they’re not. I said brown/yellow bag these are in a bright purple box.
Him: they didn’t have the others
Me: but these ones aren’t dairy free
Him: yes they are
Me: it says ‘all butter’ on the box they’re just gluten free
Him: give them to the kids 🤷‍♀️ (kids won’t eat them)
Me: You just don’t even care do you? Can’t even make a basic effort to listen, give me a ring to check…or at least read the damn box to check whatever alternative you’re buying is safe for me.
Him: YOU SAID BROWN AND PURPLE BAG
Me: PURPLE NEVER LEFT MY MOUTH ONCE NEVER STOP GAS LIGHTING ME YOU ALWAYS DO THIS!
Him: I thought I had the right bloody ones!
Me: No you didn’t you literally answered ‘they didn’t have them’ when I asked about the brown bag ones. You knew you were buying an alternative and you didn’t even bother to check it was safe or check with me I wanted it. I didn’t even care about the cookies that much it’s just the way you behave. You are never wrong, you don’t give a crap and you turn everything around on me and it’s always my problem.

Ok it’s not just over cookies it’s a very ingrained pattern of ‘IDGAF’ behaviour that always gets turned around on me. Words put in my mouth, him claiming I said or did things I didn’t. For context I do all our shopping and make a huge effort to meet his very particular requirements, even going to multiple supermarkets for items. I care if he’s happy. The only reason I wasn’t doing this supermarket run myself was because I’m poorly.

OP - I have been there. Thought I was the one who was uptight and hysterical…even went to Mindfulness to try to control my ‘anger issues’ and resentment of my H.

Funnily enough, it was his lack of care about shopping for my birthday breakfast that broke me. The plan had been to have a romantic day at home as we’d both been travelling loads.
the night before I’d been delayed on work trip, so asked him to go to supermarket to get some lovely food for a nice breakfast, and lunch- suggested he go to M&S for fresh orange juice, nice cheeses, smoked salmon… you get the idea …

came home to find a plastic bag from corner shop with a packet of cheap nasty cheese, cheap orange juice and a loaf of bread. That was it. I was so upset.

He also never said sorry- ever- which is actually the biggest red flag for me in your account.

It shows he doesn’t care about your feelings. It’s also a very narcissistic trait.

Sending lots of love. Completely understand. Nearing divorce over him taking all the kids milk this week. I could have written this entire thread. In fact, I was wondering if you were a secret wife and family of MY husband. But obviously that would be ludicrous because would require twice the level of (non) effort to try to maintain two wives, and he can barely manage to care about f*king one!

I’m going to come at this from the other side. As much as I genuinely do sympathise, I’m very much like OP’s DH. I’ve got M.E/CFS which causes terrible brain fog. It’s got even worse since menopause. My brain just can’t retain information, to the point I worry I have early onset dementia. It’s not because I don’t care. I forget things for myself even more often than I forget things for DH. I’ll pick up loads of things I know he’ll like, because I care! I just forget the one thing he’s asked for. I know it drives him mad when I leave the house for one thing, and come back with a hundred things, but not the thing I originally went for. DH now texts me specific instructions because I can’t be relied on to remember.

https://www.facebook.com/groups/410364763121879/?ref=share

But when you forget these things, do you argue with your DH, get angry with him and try to pretend that he never asked for them in the first place?

I bet you don't. I bet you apologise, like a normal human being would. I bet you don't ration your affection towards him either, like the OP's DH does towards her.

Dh asked what chocolates I liked ( from dd for my birthday). I told him malteasers, a box of malteasers - he bought malteaser cake bars, malteaser chocolate figurine ( small) and something like malteaser bonbons. So no box of mateasers! He couldn't understand why I was disappointed- I am a bit fussy with chocolates eg don't like filled ones etc.

Why is that the go-to response on the basis of absolutely no evidence whatsoever?

Do you not use lists to help?

He. Does. Not. Give. A. Shit.

And he’s twisting everything into a huge confusing knot, just so the blame winds up at your feet. It’s arrogant bordering on narcissism, but really it’s just being a truly shit husband.

That brought back memories! Dh was taking 3 of our 4 dc to visit him parents abroad for 10 days. His sister ordered a load of things from Laura Ashley that she wanted him to bring. He booked one suitcase and the rest hand luggage. He then proceeded to fill the suitcase with sil's stuff ( filled it). I couldn't believe it, had a huge argument and after being told I was crazy etc he emptied it and filled it with dc's holiday clothes. We sent sil's things in a huge box - she paid for the postage ( not sure if I believe that).

Why are you pandering to your h by going to multiple shops to accommodate his picky eating? Your creating work , he wants it he gets it.
You mention your son has ASD , it can run in families, does your H have it as well?

I absolutely love this , I wish a lot of men would read it

She has her dignity to lose.

She has her self-respect to lose.

She should be true to herself while she is still able to recognise the arrogance and entitlement of this man for what it is.

It would be a shame for her not to have her weekly roast, though. Maybe she could cook just enough for her & eat it while he was still in the bar with his mates. Then he would come home to an empty kitchen.

That, or cook the roast as usual & if he's not there, put his in the bin.

Surrendered Wife by Laura Doyle. It took me a long time to agree with my husband's logic that when we ask for a favour, the other party has a choice to say either yes or no. Everything else is control and men hate it. Surrendered Wife method is affording your husband the same courtesy and diplomacy you would afford a good friend. Some husband are inherently lazy and inconsiderate and deserve to be dumped. Most are not and respond well to positive approach e.i. asking, not demanding. Asking means a man can say no without suffering the consequences of his obstinacy

Yup.

Going against the grain but I think the OP is being utterly ridiculous about some cookies. Are you allergic to the ones he bought? I think I'm missing something here.

Yeah - divorce him - whatever.

Yep leave him. It's not actually about the cookies, I'm sure you'd be much happier without him, it sounds lonely and exhausting

It's weaponised incompetence

Probably grasping at straws but does he make an effort for others in any circumstances? Like, would he write a list of what you'd asked for or remember a birthday?

I know that I tend to be poor at remembering things so I write everything down.

I'm wondering if it would work better if you texted him so he'd have a note?

I know I have also developed fridge blindness which has led to me suspecting family of using things from the fridge that they shouldn't when in fact I just couldn't see it. So now I ask someone else to have a look for me

That said, your husband's behaviour could just be arseholery. You know him and you know how much you've put up with. Sounds very frustrating.

He's lazy. And I'm guessing not just about this issue. Can't be arsed, that sort of thing.

*Yup.

Going against the grain but I think the OP is being utterly ridiculous about some cookies. Are you allergic to the ones he bought? I think I'm missing something here.

Yeah - divorce him - whatever.*

Perhaps read the OP's posts again. It's right there in the opening one.

It's also not about the cookies.

Well that seems perfectly reasonable. Presumably the companion Surrendered Husband book is identical but with the genders swapped?

People need to stop inappropriately using the world gaslighting. It’s so offensive.
YABU.

Because MN thinks it’s trendy. Like OFFENSIVELY using the word gaslighting for anything.

Omg this resonates with me because I literally had the same argument about a pack of mince the other week !! I completely get this , it's not the item itself it's the principle and the idgaf attitude I swear I thought I was the only one. I wouldn't say it calls for divorce but I completely get it. I think the more you tell them about their faults and they get a defence it doesn't get you anywhere. You either have to put up or shut up in the nicest way I chose to shut up but I still get triggered and there's only so much a person can take . I've been told I'm ungrateful and I should go and get it myself if he's buying the wrong things. I'd rather nothing at all tbh lol I'm trying different techniques like you buy your stuff ill buy mine ! Lol I hope you sort it and if you do let me know what worked for you! X