To divorce him over cookies?!?!

[Thecookiecrazylady]

This has happened this morning and is tbh he norm if I ever ask him to get me stuff. Last time he told me they didn’t have wholemeal bread in Sainsbury’s so I jumped in the car and ofc they had an entire end aisle he’d just not looked.

Me: can you grab me some of the chocolate chip cookies in a brownish yellow bag from the free from section while you’re at Sainsburys. If they don’t have them that’s fine but if they do 👍🏻
Him: yeah no problem

Me:… what are those?
Him: your cookies
Me: No they’re not. I said brown/yellow bag these are in a bright purple box.
Him: they didn’t have the others
Me: but these ones aren’t dairy free
Him: yes they are
Me: it says ‘all butter’ on the box they’re just gluten free
Him: give them to the kids 🤷‍♀️ (kids won’t eat them)
Me: You just don’t even care do you? Can’t even make a basic effort to listen, give me a ring to check…or at least read the damn box to check whatever alternative you’re buying is safe for me.
Him: YOU SAID BROWN AND PURPLE BAG
Me: PURPLE NEVER LEFT MY MOUTH ONCE NEVER STOP GAS LIGHTING ME YOU ALWAYS DO THIS!
Him: I thought I had the right bloody ones!
Me: No you didn’t you literally answered ‘they didn’t have them’ when I asked about the brown bag ones. You knew you were buying an alternative and you didn’t even bother to check it was safe or check with me I wanted it. I didn’t even care about the cookies that much it’s just the way you behave. You are never wrong, you don’t give a crap and you turn everything around on me and it’s always my problem.

Ok it’s not just over cookies it’s a very ingrained pattern of ‘IDGAF’ behaviour that always gets turned around on me. Words put in my mouth, him claiming I said or did things I didn’t. For context I do all our shopping and make a huge effort to meet his very particular requirements, even going to multiple supermarkets for items. I care if he’s happy. The only reason I wasn’t doing this supermarket run myself was because I’m poorly.

Men are quite simple creatures, they just need training, lol!

🔔 Misandry alert! 🚩

If a man can hold down a full-time job, he can buy the right biscuits.

As for your tone-policing of the OP: see rules seven and thirteen.

Men are quite simple creatures, they just need training, lol!

Theybe certainly got you well trained if you believe that.

What you have to wonder is what happens if no-one taught the woman how to read allergy labels, lay in bread and milk when your loved ones are due home, and sweep up chilli flakes? Then neither of them would know how to do this stuff and it simply wouldn't be done. The human race would die out within a generation. All because the sex with the muscles is missing out on the brain cells. Apparently. Heaven knows how single men cope. (Terrible insult to men, and fortunately I have given birth to 4 of them who manage the basics without being spoken to like a small child or domestic pet. Two of them are even married and still retain their capabilities! Amazing!)

As for that surrendered shit, awa' wi' you. It starts sounding so reasonable, until you realise that only one partner is expected to do all the understanding and giving way. Also I suppose there's a clue in the title. Marriage isn't a war, so there shouldn't be any need for anyone to surrender. Just negotiate like two equally able and valuable adults. Or LTB.

WTAF? Misandry , absolutely not. Simple recounting of my personal experience and opinion. I am raging at this.

If you were recounting your personal experience by saying "my husband is quite a simple creature..." then that would be fair. But you said Men are quite simple creatures, they just need training, lol!, making an assertion about men as a class. That is a negative generalisation, unsupported by reliable evidence (e.g. robustly collected statistics), about an entire sex class, hence my assertion that it's misandry.

Oh thank you soooooo much for policing my words and educating me. I am away for my sackcloth and ashes.

I'm torn

YANBU for being annoyed with his attitude and lack of effort.

YABU for not specifying the brand and name of the cookies you wanted. I'm gluten and lactose intolerant and would specify something like "Nairns oaties but obviously not the chocolate ones" to DH (because chocolate is a migraine trigger for me)

This is my life too exactly. Interested to read the responses.

I'd recommend actually reading at least the OP's posts, then you would know what the thread is about.

In support for AsIseit.... I agree with her assertion that men are simple creatures when it comes to domestic life. They can't multi task hence they try to simplify matters as much as possible. And they get annoyed when given requests which they consider unreasonable/excessive. If a woman wants to stay married she needs to respect the man's biology. There is an excellent book on the topic written by a male-female team of family therapists Why Women Talk and Men Walk. They quote lots of science in support of biological differences.

OP, I've read your posts and honestly you sound awful. Does he ever do anything right?

And @HeroicMinute , as someone who is also autistic, someone moving my stuff around or completely throwing it away would really upset me, ergo I would never do that to another person. If your DH throws away your things he should bloody well replace them.

@Kosenrufugirl I must be married to a woman then. Mine isn't a simpleton and he can multitask just fine

All this generalising is ridiculous.

There is no one kind of man. Like there is no kind of woman.

My husband and many men I know do equal amounts of housework and childcare. I would not stand for anything less.

My mum used to say this nonsense and enabled my father’s laziness. The most unhappy marriage from hell. I decided as a teen that I would never run round a man. And I haven’t. My standards were high. My husband is more than capable of cleaning and shopping.

We are not even talking about multitasking or complex tasks. The OP gave a specific instruction due to a medical condition. It was one simple task. You know, the kind men should be able to do. He didn’t give a shit and got what he thought was right. Because he didn’t care enough about his wife.

Some of you lot do men and women a disservice by spouting this ridiculous stuff.

‘Men are simple creatures when it comes to domestic life’ but somehow manage complex situations at work? how does that work and who gains? Read what you have said. It’s nonsense.

By saying this, you sound like another doormat with low standards. This thread is full of them.

Yanbu x

He does not care about you. Divorce him.

I think it's really tough Learning to live together, and managing all the domestic chores. Some couples consist of two highly competent people, others not so much. You need to decide that you are (hopefully) going to work it out, then find solutions, because this sort of thing is just going to keep happening. Is he good with the kids? Then make him look after the kids whilst you go and get the cookies. Is he a good cook? Work what he's good at and arrange your life accordingly.

I am always interested by the very broad range of responses to questions like these on mn. There is definitely a contingency of posters who are from the take-no-shit-and-leave-him school of thought. Maybe some of those have done just that and life has worked out better, but honestly, I don't think this is the norm. Divorce sets both parties back about 10 years financially, completely destroys the family home, and nearly always has a very damaging impact upon children. I guess you need to work out how dreadful your husband really is, and make your decisions based on that.

Also, my dh's very individual profile of personality traits, asd, adhd and dyspraxia do certainly make it very difficult for him to do diy, cook, buy what I need from the supermarket, tidy in a normal way, do laundry or stand in a queue for any length of time. He's a lovely dad though, his life is based around his family and he works very hard and effectively in order to pay the mortgage and provide for us. I'm sorry if some people thought I was saying that all asd people are domestically useless. That is obviously not what I meant, I was specifically talking about my dh.

It's depressing the number of posters who are calling the OP 'awful', etc. and defending her intentionally stupid manchild of a husband. The fact that (a) eating the wrong things could make her ill, so a caring husband would be vigilant to make sure this didn't happen and (b) she's been unwell, so perhaps needed to rely on him to get the shopping on this occasion seems to have assumed secondary importance, just ignored in most cases. Far more important is 'Be Kind' to the male's ego, never mind 'Be Kind' to the wife.

My word, many women have incredibly low standards for themselves, the classic comment being 'if you want something done, do it yourself' (thank you for your insight, CHRIS003,), which was a blast from the past straight out of the 1940's 'How to be a Good Wife' handbook. One to be treasured.

Ethylred · Today 05:34

OP, I've read your posts and honestly you sound awful. Does he ever do anything right?

Sigh.

You've read all Op's posts and honestly this is the conclusion you came to?

What I would have done it this in this situation is would not have relied on ANYONE else to buy them for me - husband friend etc

what I find sad about this and about the many many posts saying men just need to be trained, or they are simple or they can't multi task etc, is that your experience of men is so crap.

My dh would have not come home with biscuits that I am allergic to. Because he isn't a dick head. If he did by accident, he would apologise!

I have a dad, 2 brothers, a dh and an adult son.
None of them are crap like this. None would dream of buying me biscuits I am allergic to. All those men treat their wives and grildfriends with respect and with equality. My dad is 82 this year and he knows exactly what my mum likes and needs and has never behaved like the men on this thread with their weaponised incompetence.

Why are so many people's bars so low? Why do people accept such nonsense from their men? Why did they marry them in the first place? I can honestly say I would not have married a man who didn't know how to take care of himself, or who pulled crap like this.
I have been married for 25 years. My parents for 61. My brothers for 24/25 years.

Have standards and find decent men

@steppemum i do hear you and I understand how difficult to have an understanding of another position, especially when it looks like a lazy or indifferent man is being molly coddled. Every relationship is different. I think if you met me and my dh, you’d probably observe that we’re both quite nice, flawed but normal people. You might observe that my dh is a nightmare around the house, but it doesn’t matter too much because we’ve found ways to work around it and accommodate it, namely I pick up the slack, mostly with humour and I am under no pressure to work too much or bring in much cash in exchanger. We get on well, make each other laugh and have an honest relationship. My df and dbs are all highly competent and capable, and this relationship is not what I ever imagined or wanted but we’ve found a way to make it work. We nearly didn’t, and im profoundly grateful we did. He’s an enormous pita a lot of the time, but he’s also my best friend, and a very decent and fun father to our dc. It takes all sorts and none of us are perfect. All relationships require some compromise and accommodation of less than perfect personalities or issues, and I’m pretty happy with the compromises I’m making, and the ones my dh agrees to make in exchange. I’m not saying op should be a doormat or tolerate abuse, but if she can find a way of coping with her dh being a bit crap then her life will be immeasurably better and less complicated than if she keeps expecting more and being disappointed by his lack.

Or they could separate and OP could have a life free of having cope with someone a bit crap.

Divorce with young children is the default solution for any marital problem on Mumsnet. I am not excluding the possibility that OP's husband is completely useless. However we only know what OP told us. And we all know women who micromanage their nearest and dearest and then look hurt and surprised that no one is following their instructions

When I was little my mum told me to never marry a man who had always lived with his mother and I think this is why.

Shopping for food, cooking, cleaning, these are core skills to being an adult.