To divorce him over cookies?!?!

[Thecookiecrazylady]

This has happened this morning and is tbh he norm if I ever ask him to get me stuff. Last time he told me they didn’t have wholemeal bread in Sainsbury’s so I jumped in the car and ofc they had an entire end aisle he’d just not looked.

Me: can you grab me some of the chocolate chip cookies in a brownish yellow bag from the free from section while you’re at Sainsburys. If they don’t have them that’s fine but if they do 👍🏻
Him: yeah no problem

Me:… what are those?
Him: your cookies
Me: No they’re not. I said brown/yellow bag these are in a bright purple box.
Him: they didn’t have the others
Me: but these ones aren’t dairy free
Him: yes they are
Me: it says ‘all butter’ on the box they’re just gluten free
Him: give them to the kids 🤷‍♀️ (kids won’t eat them)
Me: You just don’t even care do you? Can’t even make a basic effort to listen, give me a ring to check…or at least read the damn box to check whatever alternative you’re buying is safe for me.
Him: YOU SAID BROWN AND PURPLE BAG
Me: PURPLE NEVER LEFT MY MOUTH ONCE NEVER STOP GAS LIGHTING ME YOU ALWAYS DO THIS!
Him: I thought I had the right bloody ones!
Me: No you didn’t you literally answered ‘they didn’t have them’ when I asked about the brown bag ones. You knew you were buying an alternative and you didn’t even bother to check it was safe or check with me I wanted it. I didn’t even care about the cookies that much it’s just the way you behave. You are never wrong, you don’t give a crap and you turn everything around on me and it’s always my problem.

Ok it’s not just over cookies it’s a very ingrained pattern of ‘IDGAF’ behaviour that always gets turned around on me. Words put in my mouth, him claiming I said or did things I didn’t. For context I do all our shopping and make a huge effort to meet his very particular requirements, even going to multiple supermarkets for items. I care if he’s happy. The only reason I wasn’t doing this supermarket run myself was because I’m poorly.

Do you even like him? Can you live the rest of your life with someone who can't be arsed to make an effort when it comes to you? Those are the two questions you need to ask yourself

Yep, missed that 🤷 can't think of a time I'd be too ill to go to the shop but also need biscuits so my ND brain probably erased that bit.

Or maybe, just maybe, women should expect that their husbands treat them with the same respect and attention as they treat literally every other aspect of their lives?

If he was a waster, sitting on the sofa doing nothing, caring about nothing else then you'd expect that from him. But to be able to hold people's lives in his hands and yet not remember what cookies are usually in his house? That's a him thing, not a her thing.

Be nicer.

I had covid last week. Really shouldn't have been out in public. BUT also, would have wanted cookies.

Either way, him not knowing what's usually in his kitchen cupboards is not a reason to just do it yourself. He should be capable of buying food for his house.

@Suburbitonian
You sound like you are unable to read and comprehend her posts and it's you thats coming across as dreadful.

Reading between the lines "lives depend on his attention to detail" - he's a doctor making life/death decisions... or similar occupation - together with the stress/emotions that job has.
You would think a fecking doctor would understand the harm of OP eating food he knows she's allergic to, wouldn't you. At the very least surely? Otherwise I pity his patients with his lack of care and medical knowledge.

Then your only interactions are moaning about cookies, rather than big picture stuff?
Oh the irony is strong in this one 🙄

Yanbu. Not the same but I've asked my DH a million times if he's ever popping into a supermarket let me know and does he? Noooooo, never! He will come in with an extra couple of bags of stuff we done need, and I've already done the weekly shop, not say he's going so the extra items we actually need we still don't have. Do men have some sort of filter that just blocks out what we ask for???

Because he is one. You know his wife does everything bar wipe his arse and he would probably expect her to do that if he could get away with it.

I wonder what her MN username is, I can just picture the posting history of the poor woman shackled to this troglodyte

This is such a poor response, and an absolute embodiment of the first rule of misogyny

Why should she have to ask her husband to make food for his own family? Normal people who love their families look after them, they don't need to be prompted. I bet this poster would have an entirely different response if a man had posted that his wife had make herself lunch and left the kitchen like a shit tip and ignored her OWN OFFSPRING and left them hungry.

Why should she have to treat him like a child and tell him to clear up. Hes an adult and she's not his mother. Men see mess, it's just an awful lot of them watched this fathers treat their mothers like skivvies and feel entitled to do the same. They see women as weak, frail, second class citizens who are there to carry out the tasks they feel are beneath them.

Every thoughtless action that the husband carried out in this scenario has been squarely been made the responsibility of the woman by this poster purely because of her sex.

@CHRIS003 how is it the wife's job to teach her husband to be a decent man?

It's a parent's job to raise decent humans. A wife is not her husbands mother. He should be able to consider the needs of other people and clear up after himself without being asked to. End of.

It’s the Venus Mars thing. He certainly doesn’t share your priorities but he truly thinks you’re making too much of his shortcomings. After all, he’s been told all his life how great he is. I wouldn’t divorce him or nag him over ‘small things’ annoying as they are. I would do what others have suggested, take pictures for him, make it idiot proof. Maybe take a little vacation and reignite the magic. He may be getting tired of you!

Its muxh deeper routed than the cookies isn't it. This is just the straw that broke the camels back.

@pineapplesundae
he truly thinks you’re making too much of his shortcomings.

No-one doubts that's what he thinks. In fact, the fact he does so is at the heart of the problem. And of course, he is sure he is right, so is not exactly open to change...

There's an appallingly written thread at the moment about whats wrong with men in 2023. Really really bad OP. But the responses to this thread are whats wrong with men overall.

Whats wrong with men is that women let them behave like they're the only ones that matter. And no, it's not all men, I have a good one, I was raised by a good one. But those rubbish men are rubbish because they're allowed to be rubbish.

Stop allowing them to be useless and awful.

My mother (50s housewife) would never have put up with this shit

Although 'traditional' (my father worked, she didn't) he was far more respectful of her than some of these excuses for husbands. She didn't wait on him hand and foot and they had equal say in everything.

FFS

Please tell me people are just coming on this thread to troll now,

Don’t leave him it’s a man thing

Oh look, more misandry. It's not a "man thing", it's a "shitty men thing".

The lazy men like OP's husband are more than capable of getting it right at work, so getting it wrong at home is a choice.

The decent men get it right and apologise when they get it wrong.

It is eyeopening how many women on this thread are settling for piss-poor behaviour. Ditch the sunk cost fallacy thinking that keeps you with these losers and take your lives back!

Whats wrong with men is that women let them behave like they're the only ones that matter.

I disagree. You've just demonstrated the first rule of misogyny: women are responsible for what men do.

Lazy careless men are lazy and careless because they don't value the time, energy, feelings, and health of their wives. They are happy to use us as skivvies and shags; I've seen the term "bangmaid" to describe how they see us.

Some women may choose to waste expend time and effort on reforming these men. But this is exhausting and doesn't always work, which is why my ex-bf is an ex. Some women will take the path of least resistance by becoming a doormat. Others will leave. Regardless of how the woman reacts, her deeds are a reaction to him devaluing her in the first place. He was an arsehole first and that's all on him.

My husband does shit like this too.
When challenged I get the poor me version of him, he looks all hard done to and plays the "I can't do anything right" or "I'm useless" game.

It's a constant drip drip reminder that we're not really that important to them!

Are you, by any chance, perimenopausal? 😆

YANBU. Not only are you in a one-way relationship, with you doing all the giving...but consider this. Children learn what they live. Do you want them growing up thinking that this is the way that wives should be treated? They either will be one, or they will have one.

You are NOT thinking of divorce because of cookies (which you know), but with a pattern of behavior which completely disregards both your needs and your attempts to make him happy.

😂😂Have you actually read her posts, or just the subject line

He doesn’t seem to care enough for you to fulfil a simple request. You go out of your way for him, he is not putting in the effort and then gets irked when you are disappointed. Would he have done this at the start of your relationship? However, my DH is always doing this, but not out of I can’t be bothered attitude, he is just not good at shopping, has little patience and comes back saying they didn’t have it. I suppose he would try harder if he cared more. It is the little things that count so keep pointing this out to him and don’t let him gas light you. He should know about your allergies and step up for you.

If he is a doctor, and he bought the OP a non allergy-safe foodstuff here because he couldn’t be arsed to look/check/didn’t actually care, that’s a bit of a worry, no?

I wouldn’t be making an effort to meet his needs, I would go out of my way to get opposites or even things he doesn’t like on purpose. When he raises it, I would do exactly the response he does. With some people the only way to understand is to experience it. What an a**ehole he is!

I spent 15 years of my life on a man like this. He would moan about branded items, he would moan about meals I cooked, he was a fully capable adult yet never helped, in the end I discovered he was having an emotional affair with someone. Don’t be me, don’t waste 15 years of your life.