To divorce him over cookies?!?!

[Thecookiecrazylady]

This has happened this morning and is tbh he norm if I ever ask him to get me stuff. Last time he told me they didn’t have wholemeal bread in Sainsbury’s so I jumped in the car and ofc they had an entire end aisle he’d just not looked.

Me: can you grab me some of the chocolate chip cookies in a brownish yellow bag from the free from section while you’re at Sainsburys. If they don’t have them that’s fine but if they do 👍🏻
Him: yeah no problem

Me:… what are those?
Him: your cookies
Me: No they’re not. I said brown/yellow bag these are in a bright purple box.
Him: they didn’t have the others
Me: but these ones aren’t dairy free
Him: yes they are
Me: it says ‘all butter’ on the box they’re just gluten free
Him: give them to the kids 🤷‍♀️ (kids won’t eat them)
Me: You just don’t even care do you? Can’t even make a basic effort to listen, give me a ring to check…or at least read the damn box to check whatever alternative you’re buying is safe for me.
Him: YOU SAID BROWN AND PURPLE BAG
Me: PURPLE NEVER LEFT MY MOUTH ONCE NEVER STOP GAS LIGHTING ME YOU ALWAYS DO THIS!
Him: I thought I had the right bloody ones!
Me: No you didn’t you literally answered ‘they didn’t have them’ when I asked about the brown bag ones. You knew you were buying an alternative and you didn’t even bother to check it was safe or check with me I wanted it. I didn’t even care about the cookies that much it’s just the way you behave. You are never wrong, you don’t give a crap and you turn everything around on me and it’s always my problem.

Ok it’s not just over cookies it’s a very ingrained pattern of ‘IDGAF’ behaviour that always gets turned around on me. Words put in my mouth, him claiming I said or did things I didn’t. For context I do all our shopping and make a huge effort to meet his very particular requirements, even going to multiple supermarkets for items. I care if he’s happy. The only reason I wasn’t doing this supermarket run myself was because I’m poorly.

But if they treated us badly and we all left them, like you left your ex and I've walked away from some of mine, we wouldn't have to complain about them.

Their parents have let them behave like that. Then their partners. I wouldn't let my 2 year old behave like some grown adults do. Why, as partners, does anyone accept being treated badly, which allows it to continue?

@VitoCorleoneOfMNMafia their behaviour isn't on us. But choosing to live with it when it's been shown to us over and over....that is. We are responsible for what we allow in our lives.

Again, we don't have the full picture, we only know what OP told us. She could be working part-time and she has time and energy to go out of her way and cater to his special requirements. It does sound from her posts that he works in a high-pressure job. The roles are reversed in my household. My husband never bothers me with anything after my run of heavy shifts. I hardly ever bother him. We both go out and get what we need or do without or use next day delivery or keep special brand of bread in the freezer/chocolate stash at the top shelf etc. We have been married for 25 years and it took quite a while to work out how to co-exist peacefully together. We are very happy now. Every marriage takes work and compromise and making allowances for the other party's shortcomings. I have also learnt that a way to a man's heart is not through cooking (I am a rubbish cook) but through NOT nagging

@Kosenrufugirl I wholeheartedly agree. Good relationships are sustained on communication, compromise and mutual respect. Where there are issues it's vital to say what is unacceptable and, as long as neither partner attempts to gaslight or employ DARVO tactics then a relationship can be repaired if it is worth saving.
It's possible some people here will say this is "stupid" or label me a "doormat" or "a time traveller from the 1950s" for such is the level of toxicity in the comments on this thread. I have managed to have a very happy relationship for 30+ years however, because both of us stuck at dealing with the difficulties and didn't walk away at the first sign of anything less than perfect.
And yes, before the inevitable pile on, OP's husband would really need a lot of work on his appalling attitude and behaviour and that is IF he is prepared to change. He might not be.

@AsIseeit it's not the same though. Your partner cares enough about you to listen and try to do right by you. If they continually repeated the same behaviour despite your clear communication, would you continue to accept or or would you walk away? Knowing that they didn't care enough about you to even think about your needs or a thing you'd specifically asked for?

Definitely walk away. Some people are irredeemable. I hope for OP's sake that her husband isn't...

I'd always rather be on my own than with someone who doesn't care about me. And my DH knows this. But he's a good one anyway. Obviously not perfect, neither of us are, but like you and yours we care enought about each other to want to do the things that show love. We want to know if the other is upset and work towards making our lives better together.

I think if a partner can't even be bothered to check something they're buying for you to eat is safe for your allergies, and they repeatedly do this, it speaks to a deeper indifference to your wellbeing.

Finally - someone else on here who gets what I have been trying to say !
There are so many posters on here who take these 'small things' In a relationship and blow them out of all proportion. No wonder there are so many unhappy couples out there. One women cried because her husband left some chilli flakes on the worktop and didn't put the recycling in the right bin, he made food for himself and didn't ask her and the kids if they wanted any. She said he wasn't a decent person - I replied and asked if she had actually asked him to make something for her and the kids - did she make it known to him that she was wanted to eat too - and also did she tell him to clean the kitchen worktop next time - meaning tell him in a jokey way use humour - but I don't think I made this clear on my post - Apparently she thinks her husband is not a decent person because he did this and lots of posters agreed with her - how on earth do these people get from a small issue over meal making to him not being a decent person ? As for the OP - she could have waited until next shop and bought them herself really it was only biscuits - what on earth is she teaching their kids having a go at her husband over packet of biscuits. How would she deal with a serious crisis in her life fgs ?

'....as long as neither partner attempts to gaslight or employ DARVO tactics then a relationship can be repaired if it is worth saving.....'

Have you read the OP's original post? I'd say that what the husband says is typical gaslighting. If he's in a highly responsible post (heaven forbid this man's a doctor, as he seems (1) not to care about food allergies or (2) be able to read), then why is he twisting and turning his story, trying to turn the blame on the OP (again, heaven forbid he's a doctor if he thinks this is routinely acceptable)?

I'd say he has some extremely unpleasant character traits that need calling out.

Dear god. It isn’t about the bloody cookies!

OP I feel this so much. I have been married nearly 7 years and we have 2 children. He is exactly the same. Never apologise or if he does twists so he is apologising that I have mistook something!
Supermarket never had the stuff in I ask him to get! It's odd that it's always there when I go!
We have tried a few sessions of relationship counselling after he was messaging other women on Facebook and his narrative is that he wants to make me happy and everything is for me and our children. He helped out a bit more in the mornings which I find a difficult time and he stays in bed. He got up for a while week and then reverted back to normal but still things everything is better.

I honestly don't understand and don't think I love him anymore. This year is going to be focused on making me happy and saving so I can leave him if he continues to gas light me.

Incidentally it was my fault he messaged other women, because I didn't give him enough attention, however when asked his needs in the relationship by the counsellor he said he didn't have any that weren't being met! Couldn't answer when asked why he messaged other woman then if his needs were met.

Sorry that ended up long! If you need more support or want to talk it through I'm always here.

This is a simple one…. STOP BUYING HIS SPECIAL REQUESTS.

I completely get why this has annoyed you!
I'm coeliac and my OH will always ingredient check things if he's buying something for me. Free from stuff is expensive so buying something that's free from but not suitable would really annoy me, not only does it show he hasn't put any thought into making sure its okay for you, it's also a total waste of money!
As a one off incident the wrong cookies aren't worth a big fall out, but if that's an accurate representation of his general attitude towards you then yeah, YANBU to want to LTB!

Same here - been together happily for 30+ years and agree with what you say in this post - give and take on both sides and I would add humour too! It does sound like couples today forget that small issues can be dealt by having a sense of humour - how different this op situation would have been if she had simply laughed it off. That's what I would have done !

Is your DH autistic? From reading your post I suspected he might be.

Honestly it sounds like neither one of you are communicating effectively for the other. Have you tried other ways to help him? Like writing/ texting him a list? If you know he struggles to find things, why not include a picture? Maybe he is actually trying and he does care, but he finds it difficult?

Have you tried talking to him when neither one of you are upset and asking him why he thinks he struggled with the task, in a none confrontational way? Maybe approach like, to help make it easier for you next time, can you help me to understand why you might have struggled? If he says you said brown and purple box, then ask, would it help if I texted you, that way it makes it easy to refer back to it?

Explain to him, directly, without blaming words, when you brought the wrong cookies it made me feel like you don't put thought into my health needs and I felt upset. Is that how you feel? If he says no, then don't just like then why did you buy the wrong ones, because that sounds like blaming him.

So many people are just like LTB, but marriage isn't always easy and you obviously married him for a reason.

Please stop with the autistic stuff as the go-to defense for selfish men. Thank you.

a man making himself food and not the rest of the household is selfish and inconsiderate.. why should the woman have to ask?!… I wouldn’t dream of making myself a cup of tea or getting a snack without asking everyone else!…
not just that but OP clearly stated that she usually does the shopping but she’s POORLY!
It’s not about the act of not buying the right cookies or not asking if anyone else would like a sandwich…. It’s the sheer lack of thought or consideration for anyone but themselves… the sheer selfishness of it!
its great your marriage has lasted, I’m guessing your DP is either very kind and considerate so these things aren’t even on your radar of annoyance.. or you are just happy to do absolutely everything and just put up with it like many women did years ago… my parents are still together… but my mum makes him packed lunches for when he goes fishing, lays his clothes out for him, makes all the meals even though they’re both retired, does all the housework… but they’re ‘happily married too’ because they’re both happy with their roles… women now don’t have to just be doormats my ex would make himself a sandwich or whatever and did you dared to ask if he’d made anyone else one he’d practically throw it at you and say ‘have mine’ and then storm off!… in the end he cooked only for himself and pleased himself 100% of the time…. Some men can just be so selfish. It’s not a very helpful trait for marriage lasting long term

Sorry that was directed to Chris (the previous comment in the qoute gistory)

I have no idea why you quoted me when I was telling the poster I quoted that it wasn't about the bloody cookies as she seemed to be yet again missing the point big time.

I replied and asked if she had actually asked him to make something for her and the kids - did she make it known to him that she was wanted to eat too

did someone give the vagina people some sixth sense that let's them know others need feeding around lunchtime?

Because I didnt get this. No one told me that at or around lunch time kids need feeding. I suppose I just guessed?

Ffs the OP isnt about cookies, she even says as much, and the not making lunch is not really about making lunch.

In small words so you can understand it better.

It's the lack of thought for the person you married or are living with.
And to compound that it's the not saying sorry.

Instead they weaponise any mistake that THEY made and use it as a stick to beat them with.
Gods sake, if they just said sorry, it would likely blow over.

@CHRIS003 are you a man by chance? You know this isn’t about the cookies, right? And why in the holy name of fuck should the OP have to spell everything out to a presumably intelligent man? Seriously? She’s not responsible for him being totally shit. He is.

You seem to see your parents happy long marriage as something negative ?
Did they not give you a happy childhood?

Jesus wept. You’re turning ‘missing the point’ into an Olympic sport. 😂

@SomeCatFromJapan I'm not sure if that comment was directed at me or not.

People that are autistic think differently than neurotypical people and all people in general don't think the same. If someone is Autistic it changes how you might perceive the situation and their behaviour.

It's easier for a NT person to make accommodations, then the other way around. I can change the way I communicate, but it's more difficult for my husband.

Yes, it can be frustrating, but that doesn't make him selfish.

Ignore that poster.

Either:

• they lack reading and comprehension skills

Or

• find it funny to purposefully wind people up

It's sad, I feel sorry for them

The education system has let them down so badly or they have such unhappy lives, winding people up on an Internet forum is entertaining to them.