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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To want to cut as many ties with SIL

119 replies

alltheteainchina · 10/01/2024 08:58

NC for this.

Over the past few years my relationship with SIL has soured.

The relationship began to sour when she made some very inappropriate comments to me. I was so shocked at the time that I didn't call her out on it, but DH agreed that what she had said was inappropriate. From then on, I decided I would be nice to SIL but after those comments I've always been a bit guarded with her.

Against my better wishes, DH asked if SIL could come and stay for a few days last summer as she's been having a difficult time (her EXH essentially asked for a divorce 4+ years ago and she hasn't been able to move on). I was a little reluctant given how she can be me with me on a 1:1. I feel like I have to walk on eggshells with her. Unfortunately I didn't have the hindsight to say that if the visit went ahead DH would need to be home. He wasn't. It was all left to me. She took offence at everything - she asked me what our plans were for late summer and I said we had a family wedding and because it was a gay family wedding, she got very angry with me for talking about gay relationships in front of her 11 year old daughter.

She sent me a very rude birthday card about ugly people, which DH laughed off but I felt this wasn't sent in humour. Most recently at Christmas, every time I walked into a room, she would walk out. Every time I spoke she would roll her eyes. MIL said she doesn't understand me and doesn't know how to properly communicate with me. Yesterday we received a card in the post address to DH and DD with a letter from SIL saying how lovely it had been to spend Christmas with the 2 of them etc. No mention of me. When we were at her house, she made a point of offering everybody else a drink, except me - I appreciate some of this sounds childish!

SIL triggers me. I find her rude. I find the family use her depression as a green light for being able to say what she wants to people. I stopped messaging her ages ago, but I know I have to have a relationship for the sake of DH.

DH said talking about SIL is "off topic" as it opens up a huge can of worms. She wants to come and stay again in the summer, but I can't have her here but I feel by saying that I am putting DH in the position of having to choose.

I've already stopped all communicating via text, we don't speak to each other on the phone, but can I really go the whole distance and refuse to have her in my home?

OP posts:

wombats78 · 10/01/2024 09:01

Yes, you can.

Tell your DH to step up & get your back.

Anycrispsleft · 10/01/2024 09:04

You shouldn't have to host a woman who won't even speak to you!

Your DH and MIL seem to want to keep things "nice" which translates to, your SIL can be as rude as she likes and you're supposed to put up with it. Who knows why SIL is the person everyone is supposed to walk around on tiptoes? Maybe if you tell your DH you're not hosting her and you're not discussing it "because it always opens a can of worms" he and MIL can try worrying about whether they are upsetting you for a bloody change.

Meadowfinch · 10/01/2024 09:05

She's your dh's sister and it's his home too.

I don't think you can refuse to let dh invite her to the house but you can make sure you spend as little time in her company as possible. If she's coming to stay, can you enjoy a trip to see your family?

2dogsandabudgie · 10/01/2024 09:05

What does your husband do/say when she's rude to you in front of other people? What did he say about the letter addressed to him and your DD and leaving you out?

I definitely wouldn't have her staying in the house.

Getthethrowonthesofa · 10/01/2024 09:07

wombats78 · 10/01/2024 09:01

Yes, you can.

Tell your DH to step up & get your back.

Well no she can’t, it’s not her sole decision.

but you can speak to your husband op and explain your feelings and that you wish him to decline. If he doesn’t, then you can move out and stay with your own friends, family, a hotel, for the duration. You don’t need to be there,

Louieloves · 10/01/2024 09:09

What a nightmare! Refusing to have her in your home may give her more 'ammunition' against you. You could play it as concern for her - 'I don't think Lucy would be comfortable staying here as she's obviously not happy when I am around. It's best you go to visit her'. If it ended up with her coming to stay, I would find a reason to go away for a few days with my DD. 'It's great that you and Lucy can spend some time together over the summer. Me and DD will go to visit Jane for a few days, as I know Lucy is uncomfortable when I am around'.

Original poster

alltheteainchina · 10/01/2024 09:10

DH says SIL "is not right in the head" at the moment and to not be so sensitive about what she says. He also said over Christmas he had numerous inappropriate comments directed at him and he almost lost it with her.

I don't need or want her to like me, but I don't expect to be spoken to or have inappropriate comments directed at me each time I see her. The comments are usually made when nobody else is around. Christmas she was quizzing me over whether I kept in touch with DH's school friends wives as I didn't contact her, how pathetic it was for somebody to hold a grudge for so long after somebody made a couple of comments they took the wrong way.

OP posts:

euff · 10/01/2024 09:10

Your DH should be calling her out on her behaviour. How old is your DD? What is she seeing and understanding here? The lack of support from DH would have me questioning our relationship.

Dontbeme · 10/01/2024 09:11

@alltheteainchina have you posted about her before, your mil came to stay with you for a few days and sil kept phoning for two hour long phone calls and upsetting everyone as her ex-husband wanted their child to stay an extra night with him one weekend?

ConflictedCheetah · 10/01/2024 09:11

Your DH is a proper CF for inviting her last summer and then nit being around to support and entertain her!
I wouldn't have her in my home again but if your DH feels strongly about it he has to be present AT ALL TIMES while she's there which I assume will then have impact on annual leave?

euff · 10/01/2024 09:12

If she is coming again I would tell DH that he should be around for the duration, you will be making other plans.

CharmedCult · 10/01/2024 09:12

Hell would freeze over before I’d host her in my home again after that letter she sent.

Tell DH if he wants SIL to stay you’ll need to know the dates she’s there as you’ll be booking a holiday and going away for those weeks.

MojoMoon · 10/01/2024 09:13

He needs to take the week off work while she is staying as well as do all the cleaning/laundry etc required for the visit.

She sounds like an idiot but while you can't control her, you can control your response.
Can you recast this in your head as "oh how ridiculous her behaviour is, it is funny."

You can also be direct back "oh Sil, I would love a coffee thanks" when she asks everyone else if they want a drink.
On the gay wedding you can just say "I don't believe there is anything wrong with gay marriage. You asked what I was doing and I've told you." You can push back on her calmly.

A bit of passive aggression directed back at her can work wonders.

You can take control of the situation - you don't have to let her dominate and set the tone.

On conversations when it is just the two of you - you don't owe her any information about your life. Her passive aggressive comments about whether you stay in touch with your husband's friends wives can be defused. You don't have to respond to her baiting - why not play along "god yes Sil too are so right, I hate it when people hold grudges! Although I suppose sometimes grudges might be justified. Who can really sah. Righto, must get on with the errands that mean I am leaving the house without you now".

2dogsandabudgie · 10/01/2024 09:17

I think I'd be tempted to treat her like a child and every time she was rude to me I'd tell her off.

daisybrown37 · 10/01/2024 09:20

If she does not want to talk to you, then her brother needs to be there all day/every day of her visit

mumsytoon · 10/01/2024 09:20

euff · 10/01/2024 09:10

Your DH should be calling her out on her behaviour. How old is your DD? What is she seeing and understanding here? The lack of support from DH would have me questioning our relationship.

All of this. Why do you need to suck it up and 'keep the peace' just because she's his sister. She is a nasty, horrible person and you shouldn't feel like you have to have someone like this in your home. I would really be upset if my dh expected me to put up with this so that HE feels ok. He's basically saying that you need to do what's best for HIM at the expense of someone treating you so awfully. Why do you extend that sort of consideration to him when he doesn't give a crap about you?

pikkumyy77 · 10/01/2024 09:23

Meadowfinch · 10/01/2024 09:05

She's your dh's sister and it's his home too.

Having hostile visitors is a 2 yes/1 no situation. Ordinary rules of hospitality or home ownership don’t apply.

3peassuit · 10/01/2024 09:24

You absolutely should not feel any obligation to have this rude woman in your home. Depression should not be used as an excuse for her behaviour towards you.

Nicole1111 · 10/01/2024 09:24

Your dh should be welcome to have a relationship with his sister but that doesn’t have to come at the expense of you having someone in your home who disrespects and ignores you. It’s also not healthy for your child to be exposed to that and could be teaching them that tolerating poor treatment for the benefit of someone else is acceptable. You have to ask yourself what impact that might have on them as an adult in their relationships, employment etc. I say put your foot down. You’ve tolerated too much already.

mumsytoon · 10/01/2024 09:26

Why do you have to be ok with her staying over? So your dh is happy to make you miserable and feel upset over her? That would really make me think about where I stand with him. That may be his sister but it's not like you are Nobody! And I would NOT want someone like that Around my child.

MzHz · 10/01/2024 09:27

Life is too short to host people who are genuinely only interested in hurting and upsetting you.

@alltheteainchina tell H that you don’t want her under your roof again, but as it’s his roof too, he can invite who he likes, but you won’t be there until she’s fucked back off again

and follow through with it

it doesn’t matter what anyone says. It really doesn’t

stop giving any kind of shit about people who don’t give a shit about you.

Outforlunchallday · 10/01/2024 09:32

I wouldn’t have someone in my house who treats me with so much disdain.
Its your home, your safe place where you should never feel uncomfortable.
Tell your husband you are not prepared to have her there ever again. She’s nasty.

GenXisthebest · 10/01/2024 09:35

Personally I would tell DH that if he wants to invite her that's fine but I wouldn't be around to host and he would have to do it all. Could you go and stay with your parents / sibling / in a holiday inn for a few days?

Tinkerbyebye · 10/01/2024 09:35

I wouldn’t expect my husband to let s one one stay who is so rude to me, even if it is his sister. If he feels she is ‘not right in the head’ he would be better encouraging her to get help

if he insists she comes then ok it’s his house as well, but I would be unavailable, either by planning to do stuff and she can’t join in, or going to visit my family, and he should be staying off work to look after her including cooking etc

mamacorn1 · 10/01/2024 09:38

You absolutely can say no to the summer visit. She has been rude and nasty and is not respectful of you. people who are saying you can’t say no, are frankly mad - of course you can. You say to dh it’s not going to work out for you as you don’t want someone who is nasty to you in your house. Dh can have a relationship with his sis, he could even take her somewhere for a holiday - but not in your home. I am sure you wouldn’t expect dh to have someone in his home that is nasty to him, so yes OP- you should and can say no, it’s totally justified.

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