To want to cut as many ties with SIL

[alltheteainchina]

NC for this.

Over the past few years my relationship with SIL has soured.

The relationship began to sour when she made some very inappropriate comments to me. I was so shocked at the time that I didn't call her out on it, but DH agreed that what she had said was inappropriate. From then on, I decided I would be nice to SIL but after those comments I've always been a bit guarded with her.

Against my better wishes, DH asked if SIL could come and stay for a few days last summer as she's been having a difficult time (her EXH essentially asked for a divorce 4+ years ago and she hasn't been able to move on). I was a little reluctant given how she can be me with me on a 1:1. I feel like I have to walk on eggshells with her. Unfortunately I didn't have the hindsight to say that if the visit went ahead DH would need to be home. He wasn't. It was all left to me. She took offence at everything - she asked me what our plans were for late summer and I said we had a family wedding and because it was a gay family wedding, she got very angry with me for talking about gay relationships in front of her 11 year old daughter.

She sent me a very rude birthday card about ugly people, which DH laughed off but I felt this wasn't sent in humour. Most recently at Christmas, every time I walked into a room, she would walk out. Every time I spoke she would roll her eyes. MIL said she doesn't understand me and doesn't know how to properly communicate with me. Yesterday we received a card in the post address to DH and DD with a letter from SIL saying how lovely it had been to spend Christmas with the 2 of them etc. No mention of me. When we were at her house, she made a point of offering everybody else a drink, except me - I appreciate some of this sounds childish!

SIL triggers me. I find her rude. I find the family use her depression as a green light for being able to say what she wants to people. I stopped messaging her ages ago, but I know I have to have a relationship for the sake of DH.

DH said talking about SIL is "off topic" as it opens up a huge can of worms. She wants to come and stay again in the summer, but I can't have her here but I feel by saying that I am putting DH in the position of having to choose.

I've already stopped all communicating via text, we don't speak to each other on the phone, but can I really go the whole distance and refuse to have her in my home?

Let you dh go and stay with her for a few days in the summer.

Your husband absolutely should be choosing, he should be choosing to say "stop being so fucking rude to my wife in her own home." Tell him to stop being such a wet lettuce and start being a husband!

Your husband thinks it's reasonable for you to allow someone who's awful to you to stay in your home? Ask him how he would feel if the shoe were on the other foot?

Your dh is at fault too.

My bil was really rude to me 3 years ago. Told me I disgraced the family name! I made it plain that dh could visit him but he wouldn't be coming to my home as its my safe space.
Dh doesn't bother with his db now. He said db was mean to you and he doesn't need a relationship with db.

DH says SIL "is not right in the head" at the moment and to not be so sensitive about what she says. He also said over Christmas he had numerous inappropriate comments directed at him and he almost lost it with her.

to which my reply would be "that is fine, i will have zero to do with her until she is right in the head" and leave him to it.

Although i would veto any visits by her to my house if DH wasn't there, and I'd make sure to be unavailable if it did happen. I certainly wouldn't be visiting or lifting a finger to help her in any way at all.

No. Rude is rude..not really an excuse tbh. I get how when your mentally unwell its hard you can get skewed perspectives, paranoia and/or act inappropriately..but family and supporting is rationalising and correcting..enabling and making excuses is doing a disservice. one mistep with a boss, police or in public (depending how it escaltes) and it wont wash.

Also what about you? Why should you be a human punch bag?

I would not be having her in my home, if they are desperate and guilt trip you i would accept if you and Dc are booked into a nice spa getaway while she is there.

I would be passive aggressive back probably. With the gay offense i would probably say "sorry its just so normal for me, i forget there is still homophobia"
What PP's have said about responses are great. I wouldn't take obvious disrespect laying down.

Yes she can!

He wants to see his sister he can visit her or go and stay somewhere with her.

It's the OP's home and she shouldn't be disrespected in it or in front of her daughter

HE stays at the hotel.

The OP doesn't get driven out of her own home when her spineless DH doesn't stand up for her

Your husband is rushing to steady the loose canon and ignoring the fact that you’re being tossed overboard in the meantime.

You don’t have to tolerate this to ‘keep the peace’. It isn’t your peace you’re keeping though, and what you’re actually doing is putting up, shutting up, and suffering for it. It’s very easy for your DH to say it isn’t a topic to broach, because then he doesn’t have the confront the issue. Fuck that. He’s maintaining his comfortable life by sacrificing yours.

Of course she can come and visit. Such a shame you have a friend's big birthday abroad in the middle of it.
Excuse for a pamper break away. Take some me time. Go an visit Rome and do the history stuff. Go on a yoga retreat.

Fucking right you can say no to having her in your home.

If dh wants to spend time with her that badly, they can find somewhere else to do it.

Why is he prioritising her feelings over yours?

You have a DH problem not a SIL problem. He isn't in your corner.

Well your DH is an absolute arse for even considering having her come to stay again when he knows how awful she is to you!
But if you don't feel like you can point blank say no to the visit, I'd be making it crystal clear that your husband has to be there for the duration and that he does all the hosting etc. Cheeky buggers!

This.

Its all very well saying its DH's home too, its his sister...

She is downright rude and her "Thank you" letter was spiteful and deliberately intended to upset you. Your DH should worry more about upsetting you.

But he invited her last time and you didn't know he wasn't going to be around.

So she's not really visiting him, she's visiting you and you do not have to put up with her vindictiveness.

"Opening a can of worms" by discussing it means that he can just dictate that she comes, you aren't allowed to say anything adverse about the plan and have to put up with it. I don't see how that works in your favour at all. It just means that DH gets to have as easy a life as possible. Invites the SIL so he's in good order with her, but absents himself so he doesn't have to really deal with her you do. She's enjoying herself being nasty to you, knowing there's no comeback and she can get away with it.
Do you want your children to watch that.

I confess I don't know what the answer is in this case. There's probably some wise way to deal with it. The fact is that your SIL has no fear that her behaviour will ever be judged unreasonable but you do. At the same time you don't want to sink to her level and behave like her.

In your position, I think I would just keep calmly saying no. Make it clear that it is non negotiatible. If you get knockback. Calmly say " You made me responsible for her stay last time so that you didn't have to get involved and I won't put up with her horrible behaviour. This is your problem not mine." on repeat. But it depends how incendiary it is. SIL knows that this will cause arguments too.
It would take a lot but maybe you should tackle her head on.

You are not being difficult, you are standing up for yourself.

If she has problems I would be civil when we have to see her ie at wider family catch ups even when provoked. I would understand that dh loves her and will tolerate this behaviour for whatever reason.To me this would be patience of a saint. There is no way she would be invited to stay or for me to spend any time with her alone ever.

She has been sufficiently rude and hostile towards you that you are justified in refusing to have her in your home. I don't know how old your DD is, but it can't be good for her to witness her mother being treated this way. Not good for DN either! SIL's depression etc is not an excuse, she sounds pretty vile really.

My BIL had to stay with us for a few weeks once, I found him a bit rude and now don't really bother with him. DH occasionally visits him without me. But my BIL was nothing like as rude as your awful SIL! Your DH should have your back.

Coincidentally BIL is also homophobic and refused to attend his own grown child's gay wedding, I was horrified for DN. What is it with these people?

Yesterday we received a card in the post address to DH and DD with a letter from SIL saying how lovely it had been to spend Christmas with the 2 of them etc.

This alone is justification for not having her back and I can't believe DH isn't sticking up for you on this one. How breathtakingly, pointedly unpleasant.

YANBU and if she really has to come and stay (she doesn’t and ideally DH would be on your side and as pissed off as you are), I would swan off for a week in the alps/to see family/hotel down the road or whatever. If DH is not happy with the cost of that he has the option of cancelling his sister’s visit, doesn’t he.

You have a classic case of a DH problem.

He, and by extension his whole family, see it as easier to piss you off than to get the necessary support and help for his sister and/or to piss her off.
This wouldn't be happening under my roof. I'd be locking away any and all documentation if SiL came to visit. I'd be making very VERY sure that it is up to DH to look after his sister and I will not be doing anything for her as she was clearly very unhappy with how things went last summer.

The question I would have is if she was so unhappy during her visit the last time, why on earth she might want to even consider repeating the traumatic experience again???

You could put a caveat on any visits that she has to be polite to you. She can fake it if she has to but she must be polite to you. You will not be walking around on eggshells during her visit. She takes you as she sees you and everything else that goes with that. If she can't hack it, then perhaps for the time being, it would be better for DH to visit her instead? You shouldn't be forced out of your home because of this woman or feel forced to stay elsewhere why she lives it up under your roof with your DH.

Could she be jealous of you? I'm just grasping at straws here but if she sees how your life with her brother has evolved she could be really jealous of you.

Last thing I'm going to say is that there really shouldn't be any topic that is off limits between spouses so saying that talking about his sister is opening a can of worms, why have they let the situation fester to the point that there is even a can of worms to begin with?

Any chance dh feels sorry for neice so that's why he wants to invite her

my SIL is similar, I told DH if he forced me to be around her I would completely lose it with her and give as good as she dishes out.

he’s welcome to spend time with her. Funnily enough he doesn’t want to.

but I’m not putting myself in a situation where I’m miserable.

tell him you will seriously fall out with him if he lets her stay and you will tell her she can’t stay and the exact reason why. Because frankly I would.

@Nanny0gg Yes, you're right. I tend to put up with too much of that sort of thing.

This!

it’s a hard No from me.

She can find paid acommodation and see your DH and DD outside your home

if he insists I’d give him help and make life hard for him…
i wouldn’t lift a finger to cook clean or prep and/or I’d be taking myself out on day trips or going away for duration of her enforced visit.

So it's OK for SIL to be rude as heck to OP and for DH to facilitate it, because it's his home too?

Sod that.