To want to cut as many ties with SIL

[alltheteainchina]

NC for this.

Over the past few years my relationship with SIL has soured.

The relationship began to sour when she made some very inappropriate comments to me. I was so shocked at the time that I didn't call her out on it, but DH agreed that what she had said was inappropriate. From then on, I decided I would be nice to SIL but after those comments I've always been a bit guarded with her.

Against my better wishes, DH asked if SIL could come and stay for a few days last summer as she's been having a difficult time (her EXH essentially asked for a divorce 4+ years ago and she hasn't been able to move on). I was a little reluctant given how she can be me with me on a 1:1. I feel like I have to walk on eggshells with her. Unfortunately I didn't have the hindsight to say that if the visit went ahead DH would need to be home. He wasn't. It was all left to me. She took offence at everything - she asked me what our plans were for late summer and I said we had a family wedding and because it was a gay family wedding, she got very angry with me for talking about gay relationships in front of her 11 year old daughter.

She sent me a very rude birthday card about ugly people, which DH laughed off but I felt this wasn't sent in humour. Most recently at Christmas, every time I walked into a room, she would walk out. Every time I spoke she would roll her eyes. MIL said she doesn't understand me and doesn't know how to properly communicate with me. Yesterday we received a card in the post address to DH and DD with a letter from SIL saying how lovely it had been to spend Christmas with the 2 of them etc. No mention of me. When we were at her house, she made a point of offering everybody else a drink, except me - I appreciate some of this sounds childish!

SIL triggers me. I find her rude. I find the family use her depression as a green light for being able to say what she wants to people. I stopped messaging her ages ago, but I know I have to have a relationship for the sake of DH.

DH said talking about SIL is "off topic" as it opens up a huge can of worms. She wants to come and stay again in the summer, but I can't have her here but I feel by saying that I am putting DH in the position of having to choose.

I've already stopped all communicating via text, we don't speak to each other on the phone, but can I really go the whole distance and refuse to have her in my home?

Damned right!

@alltheteainchina people like your sil USE their kids as the battering ram to get what they want, it's just manipulation.

No to the niece, no to the SIL. DH can arrange to go and visit.

DO NOT ALLOW THIS BULLSHIT INTO YOUR HOMES/LIVES. Your SIL needs to learn that she has to respect people to get invited. She knows damned well what she is doing and YES, there is little doubt why her H divorced her.

OP do you have a friend that your DH can't stand to be around? Invite them for 5 days.

No I wouldn't have her over again. Husband can visit them whenever he wants to. If you were rude to people, they wouldn't ever invite you again, so why do you accept her bad behaviour?

Perfect response

Definitely say no to her staying. You need to stand up for yourself, you obviously can't rely on your husband. Wtf is wrong with him, why would he want her in the house when she treats you like crap?

I would make sure DH knows that you will not be left with her at any point. His sister, his problem.

If my SIL behaved like that towards me she would never be allowed to step foot on my home. Of course you shouldn’t have her to stay and I don’t think you need to maintain any relationship with her just for DHs sake.

I would go away when she's there. She gets gets to visit and have her brother all to herself. You get a break and don't have to deal with her. DH can feel all smug for helping his sister out.

It isn't JUST her home though, that's the problem. It's his home too. I know the default on MN is to assume men should have no say in their own homes but this is the real world unfortunately...

I wouldn't be having this woman in my house and if my DH behaved like this he would be getting his divorce papers

She's bullying you

This, absolutely.

And make sure your DH knows that, while you are ok with SIL and DN coming to visit, that you will be taking no part in it, and he will have full responsibility for hosting them.

Go somewhere lovely and enjoy it, and don't even concern yourself with what is happening with them. They are adults, they can sort themselves out.

I'd say the same on either situation

@Getthethrowonthesofa

Well the op is a grown up, she can be away when she’s there. The op doesn’t get final say, if he wants to invite her and have a relationship with his sister, then he can, the op can go stay with mates or family or something when she’s there and the husband can limit it to one or two nights.

So she doesn't get the final say... but her husband does?

Imagine telling someone to leave their home to facilitate a visit from someone who has been actively nasty and spiteful to them in front of the whole family.

It's madness.

@alltheteainchina

The way it will be approached is D niece needs a holiday.

You're a woman her mum bullies, not Butlins.

Not your responsibility!

I know I have to have a relationship for the sake of DH.

No, you don't. Especially if he's shrugging off and minimising her extremely unpleasant, caustic behaviour.

He can have a relationship with her if he so wishes. You are not compelled to do the same. You certainly don't have to accept someone so hostile staying under your roof, and are well entitled to protect your own mental wellbeing by distancing yourself from people like this.

Some years ago I was in your position and took the same decision. I've never regretted it.

No. Tell your DH to strap on a pair and stop enabling her dreadful behaviour towards you. If she wants to be a bitch, she can do it on her own time in her own house. There's no way she'd be doing it on my time in my own home.

If SIL is off topic for discussion, then how tf can she stay under your roof?

Give DH a flat no.

While no is a complete sentence, remind him how she behaved last time. Explain that he was conspicuous by his absence and if she's not right in the head that you're not a psychiatrist.

If he invites her regardless there is a lovely little company called lastminute.com where you and the kids can go. Leave a text when you hit the airport.

No. If it's a case that two people live together, in which case it's both their home and their sanctuary, then when it comes to who is invited to stay one person gets the veto. It makes no odds at all what sex they are.

It's disappointed me, over the years, that my own DH has been unwilling or unable directly to challenge his family's atrocious treatment of me. But at the very least, he's supported me in my decision to distance myself, and agreed that things had escalated to the point where it was no longer appropriate for them to visit our home. Quite frankly, that's the minimum of what I'd expect. (Had my mother treated him the way MiL has treated me I'd have gone ballistic, and told her so in no uncertain terms).

Why would anyone want to invite a person to their home who was outwardly hostile and unpleasant to their spouse, the person they supposedly love? If they do, you have bigger issues than merely an in-law problem.

Don't give him any warning, just make sure you and your DD are not there when SIL visits. If you warn them then they will come up with a workaround. Maybe one of your parents will have a sudden illness and be desperate to see your DD? That could work. Plausible deniability and you don't have to see your cow SIL.

Ohh I had a similar issue this year op. Sil wanted to visit, she's often rude to me and I said no. Dh thought I was kidding. I was not. I said it she could come if he wanted to see her but I wouldn't be in that day. Funnily enough the thought of entertaining her alone made him change his mind.

You have to talk this out with your husband before agreeing to anything.
Let him know what she’s capable of behind his back. Let him know how you feel. Let him know you shouldn’t be expected to put up with this especially in your own home. Get him to agree to that at least.

It’s clear she can’t put up with him having a wife, especially if they were close siblings.

I think you could come to some agreement with DH over any proposed visit. The invitation should come from you both not just him.
He has to be there the entire time. He won’t leave you alone with her. You both agree how to tackle her barbed comments and poor behaviour together, always calling her out on it, always having each other’s backs. You agree that it is a very short visit say three days max, to test the waters to see if she has improved. You both agree that it’s a good idea that your husband writes to her to let her know that neither of you will be dragged into or put up with her petty dramas, as it’s not the way you live your lives, so she has to behave herself for the entire duration of her (very short) visit or she will be asked to leave and won’t be invited again. Tell her she is only invited and welcome if she can agree to stick by the house rules and make it a lovely time for the children and you all which means you all being polite, respectful, considerate as hosts and guests.

I can't believe posters are saying you should host her again. It gives her a green light to carry on her behaviour and worse. Your DH needs to deal with this, his loyalty should be to you. Do not host her. The fall out will not be any worse than having to host her because you will dread it for months and it could be worse than ever.

I put up with my rude, horrible SIL and MIL for years. I went NC many years ago and what a relief. As for DH, he is free to see her if he wants and believe me he doesn't. As for my own dd's I never pressurised one way or the other allowing them to make their own decisions. They and their partners dislike her completely.

It is not you op, nobody behaves like this and it only happens because people accept and enable it. If your DH wants to spend time with her, how about your MIL hosts and your DH stays there also giving you a break.

Would he accept this if it was your brother who did this to him ?

I would say If he allows this you will be going away with DD, (chances are she won't come she will have to entertain her own child ). Your H will have to do all the hosting. Also, pay for drinks in the pub, meals out from his ^own^ slush fund.
When/if she cancels, you choose if you do the same !.
You know she will be slagging you off, but hopefully your H will learn a lesson

I would also send her card back.