To want to cut as many ties with SIL

[alltheteainchina]

NC for this.

Over the past few years my relationship with SIL has soured.

The relationship began to sour when she made some very inappropriate comments to me. I was so shocked at the time that I didn't call her out on it, but DH agreed that what she had said was inappropriate. From then on, I decided I would be nice to SIL but after those comments I've always been a bit guarded with her.

Against my better wishes, DH asked if SIL could come and stay for a few days last summer as she's been having a difficult time (her EXH essentially asked for a divorce 4+ years ago and she hasn't been able to move on). I was a little reluctant given how she can be me with me on a 1:1. I feel like I have to walk on eggshells with her. Unfortunately I didn't have the hindsight to say that if the visit went ahead DH would need to be home. He wasn't. It was all left to me. She took offence at everything - she asked me what our plans were for late summer and I said we had a family wedding and because it was a gay family wedding, she got very angry with me for talking about gay relationships in front of her 11 year old daughter.

She sent me a very rude birthday card about ugly people, which DH laughed off but I felt this wasn't sent in humour. Most recently at Christmas, every time I walked into a room, she would walk out. Every time I spoke she would roll her eyes. MIL said she doesn't understand me and doesn't know how to properly communicate with me. Yesterday we received a card in the post address to DH and DD with a letter from SIL saying how lovely it had been to spend Christmas with the 2 of them etc. No mention of me. When we were at her house, she made a point of offering everybody else a drink, except me - I appreciate some of this sounds childish!

SIL triggers me. I find her rude. I find the family use her depression as a green light for being able to say what she wants to people. I stopped messaging her ages ago, but I know I have to have a relationship for the sake of DH.

DH said talking about SIL is "off topic" as it opens up a huge can of worms. She wants to come and stay again in the summer, but I can't have her here but I feel by saying that I am putting DH in the position of having to choose.

I've already stopped all communicating via text, we don't speak to each other on the phone, but can I really go the whole distance and refuse to have her in my home?

I would be wary of vacating the premises whilst still allowing SIL to come. I would be putting a lock on all personal cupboards & drawers that I didn’t want her poking about in. She will see it as a victory that you have left and she has gained possession of your home.

Your DH does have to choose between you and SIL.

He can choose to upset her, or to upset you.

What your DH needs to understand is that he can bite his tongue because he loves his sister, and because she is nowhere near as rude to him as she is to you.

You do not love her. She has never given you reason to even like her. And she is far ruder to you than to him.

”Off topic” is chicken shit. He won’t talk about her because he’s too scared to think about it. It’s putting his fingers in his ears and saying “La la la”.

I think your solution is a good one. She and DN can come. He hosts. You go away and enjoy yourself far from her.

If he wants to talk about her after that, tell him it’s “off topic”. I wonder if she’ll be invited again?

Why are you not calling her out? Depression or not I wouldn’t let anyone disrespect me or my family so there would have been a few “who do you think you are speaking to” comments made. And I wouldn’t care if DH got mad. That’s how bullies continue, because people don’t call them out on their shit

If he wants to host her then he can but I wouldn’t be having anything to do with it

If you don't feel you can escape, at least be suddenly ill and barricade yourself in your room. D and V obviously so you won't be able to cook

No fucking way would I lift a finger to help someone who treated me with contempt. Your husband is taking the piss.

I would go stay somewhere else for her entire stay because seriously fuck that shit.

It sends an important message to your husband too. You do not have to tolerate bad behaviour and if your husband insists on her visiting, he can do it without you.

I wouldn't be leaving my own house to facilitate this.
If dh wants to spend some time with his sister and nephew maybe he should look at hiring a holiday home somewhere for a sibling and cousins break.

You absolutely can refuse to have her in your home. Yes, it's his house too, but nobody has the right to make someone uncomfortable in their home.

I did this with MIL. She really disliked me. I let my husband know before our wedding that I would support his continued efforts to see her, but that post wedding I expected that she never set foot in the house again and that I was having no contact after the wedding. He asked me to reconsider IF he went into hospital and we agreed to phone contact until he was well enough to handle that himself.

He's never let her in our house. He never asked, because he knew I was serious.

I would!! It's a great excuse to go somewhere that I wouldn't necessarily want to go with DP, but with the bonus of being able to blame someone else for needing to. Win win!!

I agree with this I am afraid.

Are you scared of your DH, op? Why can’t you say no to her coming? It's your house too!

Your DN is 11, invite her for a fortnight in the summer so she gets a nice holiday and to give her mum a break. No reason for her mother to come you collect etc. Just focus on your DN only.

I have a similar SIL (and MIL). SIL used to blank me for hours if I visited or say really nasty things to me. We went to DN’s party when she was little and it was appalling as I was completely excluded in front of her friends and had nasty things said about me. I’m older than SIL so I sat quietly and kept my opinions to myself. Had months at a time when I wasn’t allowed in the house so I’d sit in the car whilst DH went in the house to see DN, etc, etc.

Then it was ok for about three years as SIL needed help and we had DN to stay all the time, etc. We paid for her food, clothes, school outings, repairs to things in the house needed for DN and even the rent a few times….basically the lot so we knew DN was OK, and had her to stay a week every half term and in the summer holidays and a weekend every month. Basically all my DH’s annual leave we used each year to have DN at ours and do things with her.

Now we are not in contact and DN is 18 and I have not been allowed to see her for three years ( not even allowed to text her as my number was blocked).

Either go away so DH has to look after her or say it will be lovely to see her and she can help with the wedding you are hosting for some gay friends.

In terms of toxic family dynamics it’s pretty obvious that sister-in-law rules the roost and her parents and dh are expected to make up to her for her loss of a husband. OP’s DH is expected to act as a surrogate husband and surrogate father to niece—his home and things belong to SIL and her child. OP is just an interloper.

I wouldn’t put up with it. Its not sustainable snd its not healthy.

She wouldn’t be setting foot in my home again! I don’t care who she is! I would tell my DH not a cat in hells chance. Even if it is his sister you should not be expected to put up with that!

Hmmm thinking on it

I actually agree you leaving gives her what she wants.… and it also sets a precedent that you have to scuttle off and hide every time she decides to descend or face being uncomfortable in your own home.

I think the boundary needs to be SIL isn’t allowed in your home (you have a right to quite enjoyment in your own home) if she can’t behave… which she can’t.

So she they can visit but they need to sort out their own accommodation.
your DH and can take DD out on day trips and whatnot with them but that’s as far as I’d go

i wouldn’t accept my family treating my DH like this and while I wouldn’t necessarily go NC, I’d be actively addressing it and putting in boundaries to manage the situation and I’d expect my DH to do similar.

I imagine that the visit will be quietly shelved if you tell your DH that you're walking out of the house the minute your SIL enters it.

If you decide to leave your home and leave your DH to get on with it with her as his guest in your house, yes I agree she will see that as a victory. A victory for not only getting you out but for being able to come between you. She will see herself in a much stronger position after that. She will see that her bad behaviour works for her.
Whatever you do, you must decide to do it together and be on the same page in your dealings with her. You must support each other and show yourselves
as a very strong team.
SIL needs to learn that there is no chink in your marriage.

I think it’s a very bad idea to tell your husband he can host her if he wants to but you are going elsewhere for the duration of her stay. Don’t do that OP.

Either she doesn’t come at all or the invitation comes from you both for a very short visit as a test to see if she can behave as a guest in your home. Let your DH spell out your joint expectations clearly on her conduct and tell her she agrees to honour them or she can choose not to come or face being shown the door.

I don't know that she would see it as a victory.

She misses out on the opportunity to put op down, while op does something much more exciting. And I would bloody well make sure to build up the trip as something really fabulous in advance. I would miss out specifics - like exactly where op is going - or maybe put out some false information and, oh dear, there had to be a last minute change of plan (I wouldn't even tell DH as honestly I wouldn't trust him not to let slip) so there's no way that sil could suddenly decide to go to.

But I also suspect that DH will be less enthusiastic when he discovered op won't be there. He didn't bother to take time off last time... So obviously have the conversation first. Tell him that if she's going to visit, you won't be there. That you won't put up with being spoken to like that, so if he's willing to take on the cooking and the cleaning and the bed changing and the hosting and the entertaining, then you'll have a break away. Preferably somewhere that sil has always wanted to go to.

Do it if you want to op. Don't do it if you don't. It's an opinion like any other and you are free to take or reject it as you choose.

I would definitely tell him he can host her cos I'd make sure I wasn't around.

Thing is, it's not her op is, for want of a better phrase, 'teaching a lesson', it's her husband.
You want her to come and it's your house too? Yeah? Ok. Well, I won't be here so good luck with that. You'll have to take time off work and actually deal with her..let's see how much you want it now pal.

The point here is not the sil. In a way she's unimportant and irrelevant. The point here is the husband and making sure he understands the op is under no obligation to provide cook/maid / entertainment / punching bag services.

Let's see how keen Mr Billy Big Bollocks is to take time off and step up.