To want to cut as many ties with SIL

[alltheteainchina]

NC for this.

Over the past few years my relationship with SIL has soured.

The relationship began to sour when she made some very inappropriate comments to me. I was so shocked at the time that I didn't call her out on it, but DH agreed that what she had said was inappropriate. From then on, I decided I would be nice to SIL but after those comments I've always been a bit guarded with her.

Against my better wishes, DH asked if SIL could come and stay for a few days last summer as she's been having a difficult time (her EXH essentially asked for a divorce 4+ years ago and she hasn't been able to move on). I was a little reluctant given how she can be me with me on a 1:1. I feel like I have to walk on eggshells with her. Unfortunately I didn't have the hindsight to say that if the visit went ahead DH would need to be home. He wasn't. It was all left to me. She took offence at everything - she asked me what our plans were for late summer and I said we had a family wedding and because it was a gay family wedding, she got very angry with me for talking about gay relationships in front of her 11 year old daughter.

She sent me a very rude birthday card about ugly people, which DH laughed off but I felt this wasn't sent in humour. Most recently at Christmas, every time I walked into a room, she would walk out. Every time I spoke she would roll her eyes. MIL said she doesn't understand me and doesn't know how to properly communicate with me. Yesterday we received a card in the post address to DH and DD with a letter from SIL saying how lovely it had been to spend Christmas with the 2 of them etc. No mention of me. When we were at her house, she made a point of offering everybody else a drink, except me - I appreciate some of this sounds childish!

SIL triggers me. I find her rude. I find the family use her depression as a green light for being able to say what she wants to people. I stopped messaging her ages ago, but I know I have to have a relationship for the sake of DH.

DH said talking about SIL is "off topic" as it opens up a huge can of worms. She wants to come and stay again in the summer, but I can't have her here but I feel by saying that I am putting DH in the position of having to choose.

I've already stopped all communicating via text, we don't speak to each other on the phone, but can I really go the whole distance and refuse to have her in my home?

DH said talking about SIL is "off topic"

Good idea. She doesn't come to the house, there is no discussion about her.

He can't be having someone to stay and have them "off topic".

Well the op is a grown up, she can be away when she’s there. The op doesn’t get final say, if he wants to invite her and have a relationship with his sister, then he can, the op can go stay with mates or family or something when she’s there and the husband can limit it to one or two nights.

Why should the OP have to leave her house so that her incredibly rude SIL can come to stay? For the benefit of a DH who doesn't have OP's back at all and couldn't even be bothered to be around last time his sister came to stay.

Hard nope.

Why should you have to walk on eggshells in your own home?

Tell him you don't want her in your home as she's so rude and insufferable. You need to get angry and make it more uncomfortable for DH to upset you than to upset her.

but why does the DH get "final say" on asking a rude twat to stay? one who makes his wife uncomfortable?

I'd be tempted to say, if he insisted that she come "i will be exactly as rude to her as she is to me"

In reality, my DH would never allow his sister to be like that to me, and would most definitely not be invited to stay.

And if he still insists on inviting her tell him he can do all the prep for her visit and host as you won't be there.

A decent spouse or partner would not invite someone, whether it's a friend or even a sibling or parent, into the home they share with their DP, if they have been so aggressively rude to that DP. They should lay it on the line to their relative/friend that they were out of order behaving like that. If the person won't back down, ideally they should have as little to do with them as possible. That's supporting your LIFE PARTNER. The only other person who has as strong a claim to your loyalty (maybe more, depends on the situation) should be your child.

Have you posted about her before, OP? Is she the SIL who said you weren't having enough sex with DH and he was frustrated, or something similar?

It sounds like the request to visit again is a power play. She knows you'll hate it but also knows she'll get her way if she stamps her feet with your DH.

If I were you, I'd be pointing out that you accept DH is well within his rights to want to have DSis come to stay but that also you shouldn't have to have people who won't even acknowledge you spending time in your home, so DH needs to host her himself and you'll arrange go away for a few days while she visits.

Having to be around her at family gatherings is one thing. Having to host her for days is another.

Your DH is expecting you to just put up with whatever she throws at you and that's not OK.

Following this out of solidarity and a bit of being nosy!

Sorry you're dealing with this, it's dogshit isn't it?

You know how couples have lists like Ross and Rachel about people they've a free pass to sleep with?

If I could have one but instead of sleep with, I'd be so happy with a life pass to simply punch someone in the nose, it would be BiLs wife.

If the purge happens, she's first 😂

No advice, just shared dislike for a sil's behaviour, I'm sure you've tried as much as you can, I have done so much but she doesn't like other women and gets extremely angry with anyone talking to her dh and she's made some massively sly digs. She couldn't find her phone once and was adamant I'd stolen it. Wanted to search my bag, CF!
She'd left it in her car. I don't have form for kleptomania BTW.

I'm team keeping her away from you, protect your peace x

So op has to leave her home so someone who is openly awful and disrespectful of her can stay for a few days? Sil gets to feel like she’s won because she’s in op’s house and op has had to leave? Hell no.

OP the first thing you do is learn from last year and tell DH that he has to be at home, that you won't be left alone with her to do all the entertaining. "He also said over Christmas he had numerous inappropriate comments directed at him and he almost lost it with her". He may not be so keen if you make it clear that she's his problem.

Secondly I would take myself off for the duration. Yes perhaps you could argue that you shouldn't have to, but I wouldn't see it as SIL having 'won'. I'd see it as making it very clear to her and him that you won't tolerate her behaviour any more.

This.

Why are you afraid of calling her out on her behaviour? As long as you don't, she will carry on. I would give her a row, then ban her from my house.

Can you be working away / ill in bed / visiting friends or family when she comes.

Let DH do his bit this time.

Your Sister is your sister and from now that will be all down to you. You have excused every poor behaviour and comment and I've reached my limit.
So she is not welcome here, I don't care what she's going through because she doesn't care to be even basic levels of politeness towards me.
She will not be staying here. It's up to you how you explain it but she will not be here.
Going forward I expect you to have my back, if you hear her being rude, or not offering me a drink I expect you to stick up for me. Or I won't be going back. If she's rude I'll get up and leave.

Basically how he responds to something like this will tell you whether your voice is valued in the relationship

If she's off topic, that's an excellent time to tell your Dh that his sister will not be welcome to stay at your home ever again.

That's genius!

What a spot you made there @Whataretheodds.

He can't have it both ways @alltheteainchina.

OP she sounds nasty and just a horrible person to be around, there's no excuses anyone can make for such spiteful behaviour.
You could always say to your dh the way she treats you in your own home is causing you to feel depressed even at the thought of having to tolerate her, so you may need to not be there when she is for your own mental well-being.

As PP’s have said, your DH can have a relationship with her outside of your home. She doesn’t need to stay with you and you and DC don’t need exposed to her cunty ways.

"I appreciate some of this sounds childish!" @alltheteainchina from your first post... and yes, it does sound childish, but that's on HER, not you. I don't blame you for not wanting to have contact with her, I don't think I would either. She's rude and childish, so why would you want to have her in your home again? And if she hates you that much, why would she want to be there..?

If your DH wants to support his sister it should not be at your expense. He should take her out fit the weekend or go and stay with her instead. And if he says no that then you should not have any problem to saying no to having her in the house.

Or OP can stay home and he can fuck off elsewhere. He doesn’t get ‘final say’ either.

The way it will be approached is D niece needs a holiday. She's a lovely kid and I have no qualms about her coming, but if she comes the SIL comes too. That's her it will be got around so I think th ebest thing to do is to start looking at a long spa break of a long weekend somewhere!

Ask why it’s considered your responsibility to provide it, and/or suggest that SIL look online for package deals. You don’t have to bow to emotional blackmail.

You know she’ll keep coming if you don’t take a stand. You’ll be expected to suck it up for years to come. You’re not doing yourself any favors by giving in.

No wonder her husband divorced her

I would tell your husband if he wants to see her he can go to hers. She's not welcome to your home

If your niece needs a break why is it up to you to provide it? You're not a holiday let or a travel agent. Let them pick somewhere in your area (if they really have to) and base themselves there. They can do whatever activities they want but out of that base, not your home.
Then DH can go to visit them and you don't have to leave your home.

This idea of being an open door to waifs and strays and anyone else who happens along should have gone out with the dark ages. You are not running a B&B here and if you were, you could evict them during their stay for whatever reason as the management reserves the right to refuse admission! 😆