Bratty children and presents

[BrandySnaps1]

Gave my niece (through marriage) a Christmas present. Shes 14. Obsessed with make up, hair, and because of her dad, loves designer. Shes spoilt. 5* holidays, bags, you name it, shes got it or at least wants it.

Gave her some makeup items and she was SO disappointed. She opened it and the look on her face said it all. She expected Armani make up and i got her Boots items. Either way since when have pre-teens because so spoilt? Next time Im not even going to bother.

Anyone else experienced bratty children? How to handle them through gritted teeth. Shouldnt kids at least feign excitment?

Maybe the name of this thread should have been ' I cant stand my arrogant BIL who is creating unrealistic standards for his daughter and for the rest of the family to live up to

But there are so many posts on Mumsnet complaining about the gifts they get. Saying things like my in laws only spent X amount on me. Or I don't want the tat that my sister in law buys me every year , or apparently worse than anything. They always buy me rubbish Bayliss and Harding gift sets etc.
So if that is the attitude from many adults I don't think anyone can be surprised that a child is expressing the same.

yeah - you're coming across as jealous and judgy, OP. Just let it go. And bung her a tenner in a card that you send by post next year

So you've taken charge of the gifts when previously your dh did and spoil her. My sil has done this and the quality of gifts have gone down just random bargain bins tatt with no thought to what they might like what their interests are. Dbro used to get some thoughtful gifts but now sil in charge they don't use them.

I am being jealous and judgy. Jealous in one sense because they have the means to do everything they want (when me and DH are scrapping by) but secndly they dont have the courtesy to understand not everyone can buy their daughter a dior palette.

But also i know how badly BIL treats SIL, talks down to her constantly, embarrasses her yet does all the big gestures on their anniversary/birthday to 'show love'. DN can be sweet at time but I want to shake her and tell her money doesnt mean everything.

She even told me she heard them arguing and BIL was calling SIL a bitch. I guess the moral is dont shop at boots for a girl who treats harrods like her second home.

To be fair at 11 I was so upset and probably a bit rude to an Aunt who had given me clothing for Christmas one year. My Mother made me put it on while the whole family was there and I was mortified as it was really clingy and showed off the developing body I was desperate to hide under baggy clothes at the time.

Its so hard to win with kids that age they are all over the place and easily influenced by adverts and tiktoks, its not unusual at the moment for preteen girls to want premium skincare brands when they don't even need it, surely a case of evil genius marketing to a very gullible bunch.

Anyway, next time either ask her what she wants or just give money or vouchers.

She opened it and the look on her face said it all

Some people just aren't very good at masking their feelings, but I don't think that is rude, just honest. It is one thing to be polite and another thing entirely to be fake.

Maybe your SIL has realised her DH cant keep spending so willy nilly of the kids and they need to focus on their own lives? The relationship with brothers and sisters is so complex.

Many sisters i have met still feel some monopoly over their brothers even when the brother is married. Naturally when SIL comes into the picture things will change. If he spoilt your kids before, when he has got married she has now taken charge. It isnt a bad thing.

If she was my niece (whether through marriage or not they are my nieces!) and that is what she likes I would have bought her a smaller item within my budget but of the type she likes. Anything else is just a waste of my money if they are not going to use it at all.

Maybe ask you husband (through marriage) to deal with her presents in the future if you cannot cope with a child not reacting the way you want to a gift you bought that you already knew before she opened she wouldn't like.

Your expectations of a child seem to be much higher than your expectations of yourself.

But it wasn't. Do you know why you're focussing your resentment on a teenage girl? An easier target than her wanker father perhaps?

Your familial link with her is pretty tenuous, so unless you happened to really like her, which you clearly don't, why the umbrage? You know she loves, and has been brought up to love, designer so you knew Boots would be meh to her.

BIL is a knob clearly. Don’t take your issues with him out on a young teen though, it just isn’t fair. Next time just bung £20 in a card (or however much you want to spend) and don’t set both of you up for a fall.

The girl sounds like she has a difficult and not particularly happy home life and the issue you've decided to hang your hat on is not receiving a sincere enough thank you?!

so don't be jealous and judgy about the niece. Support your SIL. How about you mention to your DH what a dickhead his brother is and maybe he can have a word? There are lots reasons you could have started a post here, without taking 4 pages and slagging off a teenage girl for not faking grattitude better, to get here.

Your SIL is in a difficult position. Focus, if you want, on supporting her. It is not your job to shake sense into DN. It is possibly your job to show her that there are other ways to live? (such as not being rude when you're out for tea by answering your phone)

£50 on eyeshadow is ridiculous. Especially for a 14 year old

She even told me she heard them arguing and BIL was calling SIL a bitch.

The poor girl is trying to share with you the nasty reality of her 'golden cage' life, and you're worried about how she reacted to some Boots eyeshadow?

OP YABU and despite lots of posters saying YABU, you don't seem to want to believe it. You bought a 14yo some Boots makeup, knowing that she's into designer brands. As other previous posters have said, you set her up to fail. You may not have been able to afford a Dior palette but you could've just gotten her a voucher instead for the same monetary amount as the Boots makeup so she could have put it towards a Dior palette for example, rather than just wasting money on some Boots stuff she will never even use.

And yes, you do sound petty and jealous.

To clarify, SIL is my DH's sister. BIL is an unfortunate addition to the family.

£50 is not ridiculous to spend on eyeshadows

Meanwhile in the real world....

Just being nosey.

Do they spend quality time together at home as a family?

You’re kidding right? What BETTER way to show how real world reactions to ungrateful behaviour? It’s a very gentle lesson and one designed to actually register

Of COURSE it won't register!

It's really nasty because it's PA. If the giver doesn't intend to exchange it, don't offer to do so. Leave it with the recipient.

If they say they are going to do it, do so - don't be hiding behind 'oh I must have forgotten'.

If they are that concerned with making a point - they should use their words and say so.

It's no more teaching a life lesson than teaching a cat to sing. Modelling unkind PA behaviour to boot.

Exactly - OP has ignored anyone trying to make this point in favour of a petulant rant about a child, and a platform for jealousy for her ILs.

I agree with PPs that you played a risky game by buying Boots makeup when you know what sort of stuff she likes.

My mum was a pain in the arse for similar stuff when I was growing up. At every birthday or Christmas, she would ask me what I wanted and I would tell her - very specifically - "I would like these trainers in this colour" or "I would like an iPod - I understand that it will be my only gift because it's expensive".

She would invariably get me random unbranded trainers or a cheap MP3 player instead, plus a load of random trinkets. It wasn't because she couldn't afford the thing I'd asked for, she did it deliberately because "I thought it would be better to spend less on it so you'd have more presents to open on the day". Then I'd be disappointed and she'd call me an ungrateful brat who doesn't deserve anything nice 🙃

A few years ago I read about the concept of “paternalistic presents” - the sort of present that says “this may not be what you want but it’s what you ought to want”. We can all tell when we’ve been given one- the MIL who thinks you should be a SAhM and gives you a pinny, the boyfriend who wishes you’d dress differently and gives you clothes that suit his style not yours, etc. They’re doubly unwelcome because as well as a gift we don’t like we can tell someone is trying to give us a lesson- it’s less a gift and more an insult.

It sounds a bit as if this might have happened here- you know she likes designer stuff but you think she ought to like Boots, so that’s what you got her. Now you’re cross because she wasn’t very grateful, despite the fact that you knowingly got her something not on the basis that she’d like it but that she ought to like it. Yes she could have done a better job pretending but that doesn’t mean it wasn’t a paternalistic gift.

If you want to give her a gift, try her cash next year- that way she won’t have to feign gratitude and you won’t have to feel cross. Or if you don’t want to give her a gift, don’t. But don’t use gifts as a way of expressing your opinion on her upbringing.

focus on the important things, OP

So get your DH to support his sister to change her circumstances?

BIL is father of the year to his kids. Not the best husband from the looks of it though.

Although recently BIL and SIL hve been doing more coupley things with other couples on his side of the family. its all about appearances with him. money to him is like blood to a shark.

if you have wealth he will immediately act different around you