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AIBU?

Right to be suspicious or losing my mind?

150 replies

ellie09 · 08/01/2024 14:05

I hadn't really had any suspicions of cheating from my current partner until recently. Even then I am still really unsure.

He is 3 years younger than me (I'm 30) and stays in most of the time as he games etc. We live separately but close by (within a mile). Every weekend we will spend together and if I get an unexpected night to myself, he is always available at short notice. Always has stayed affectionate etc.

Anyhow, the last lot of weeks, there has been some really subtle changes as below:

  1. The ED pills. He originally got them and they worked well (he has issues and always has). He still had a couple left a couple of weeks ago and we haven't had sex since (he says he cut his foreskin and it was sore, and I have been ill). I went to his medicine drawer to get some pain killers a couple of days ago and noticed that the ED box was empty (they could be placed elsewhere but not sure)


  1. Snapchat. He has a HUGE amount of notifications that he never reads on his phone. Mostly gaming notifications. He will openly use his phone in front of me and flick through quickly etc. The past few times there has been a Snapchat notification from a girls name (I can't make out the name as its too quick scrolling) and I see bits of the message but not everything. What stood out to me were certain emojis used - ❤😘 etc but there wasnt enough time to read the message. Ive asked him why he doesn't just remove all his notifications as ot would do my head in, and he says its so he can ignore them but go back to them later. He doesnt have ghost mode on, so I am able to see when he is online Snapchat. As soon as I get home, he is online Snapchat.


  1. Backhanded comments. He recently told me I had "mum boobs" while I assume he was irritated. He seems to be making more and more comments about how he doesnt like fat girls (I'm not fat by the way, he is the one thats fat). He's went on to also say he went for looks in the past but "looks aren't everything".


Despite the above, everything else is pretty much the same. We spend a lot of time together, he barely goes near his phone and will openly leave it around me etc, although he had some elaborate unlock pattern on his phone (which he has ALWAYS had, this isnt new)

Does this sound suspicious to you?

I have been cheated on in the past (although it was a LOT more obvious) and I dont know whether I am just paranoid, or right to question and investigate things a little more?

I wouldn't even know where to start to even validate anything because obviously if I say anything, even if its true, I wont get a straight answer?

The next time I see the Snapchat for example, do I point and question him on who that is? I want to be subtle at the moment seeing as I dont exactly know whats going on.
OP posts:
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Am I being unreasonable?

358 votes. Final results.

POLL
You are being unreasonable
25%
You are NOT being unreasonable
75%
DeeLusional · 08/01/2024 21:07

Sounds boring AF.

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Babyghirl · 08/01/2024 21:08

@ellie09

Chuck him back in so I can fish him out he's a real charmer 🤣🤣🤣🤣, why would you even put yourself through all that at 30, picture the rest of your life with this twat.

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TheNoodlesIncident · 08/01/2024 21:13

I really feel for you OP, you've obviously had a bad start in life to not be able to see your own worth and value yourself as a person as deserving as anyone else. I do think the Freedom Programme that a PP suggested would be helpful for you.

It's such a shame that you don't like yourself enough to feel outrage at the way he's treating you. You deserve to be respected and cherished, and you don't seem to see it... this man is no good to you, any more than his predecessor. It's better to be single than treated with disdain and contempt by someone who is supposed to making your life better by being in it, not worse. Sad

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StarDolphins · 08/01/2024 21:19

Anyone that said they’d gone for looks in the past & insinuating that he isn’t now while commenting on my mum boobs would be out the door. He sounds shallow & awful.

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Frostytwiglet · 08/01/2024 21:22

Sorry he sounds crap OP, I'd give him the boot myself. Ed at 27 sounds like he's a habitual porn user which is a sacking offence in itself never mind the rest of it. You are still young so cut your losses with this one and find someone better.

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porridgeisbae · 08/01/2024 21:24
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MeridianB · 08/01/2024 21:43

Aquamarine1029 · 08/01/2024 14:09

He 27 with ED and spends his life gaming. FFS, is this really what you want for your life? Raise the bar.

First post nails it. Get rid.

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Metallicant · 08/01/2024 21:48

Don’t settle for this awful manchild.

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Sallyh87 · 08/01/2024 21:50

Mum boobs? He is a sack of shit.

Sorry for my angry language, but my Mum boobs are tired tonight.

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Tryingmybestadhd · 08/01/2024 21:52

You are 30 , raise the bar a bit . A gamer with ED that spends time on Snapchat ! You can do better !

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Tikei · 08/01/2024 22:18

OP, I see another poster mentioned your previous issues with this fool. How is the advice going down with you this time?

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DoodlesMam · 08/01/2024 22:22
Its Over Love GIF

Mum boobs? Hey Mr, welcome to Dumpsville, population you (thanks homer)...also OP you are cheating yourself of a proper relationship, why stay for this porn addict ED person? really?

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LaurieFairyCake · 08/01/2024 22:43

You've hit the mother load of NOPE

BIN HIM

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shakey1 · 08/01/2024 22:50

I'm guessing since she isn't answering back after another poster said she's posted about him before. It's going to be a no show on a comment back from op.

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Frazzledmummy123 · 08/01/2024 22:54

I don't think it sounds like he is cheating, but his remarks about mum boobs and fat women are horrible and would put me off.

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crostini · 08/01/2024 23:21

If he is cheating she should leave the guy.
However, would you tell a guy to leave a woman if she was overweight and had sexual issues, and liked gaming or something similar?

@Notamum12345577

Probably yeah, it's hardly appealing is it? At least not to me anyway. especially if it gets in the way of a normal relationship.
Anyway, I don't believe in double standards, men and women are different, so you can't measure them with the same stick.

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porridgeisbae · 08/01/2024 23:30

would you tell a guy to leave a woman if she was overweight and had sexual issues, and liked gaming or something similar

It's personal preference isn't it? And what people are looking for in a relationship.

Personally I want some decent sex next time. Smile I have physical preferences, and wouldn't mind someone who gamed a bit, but not to the exclusion of other parts of life, conversation, going out etc.

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ellie09 · 15/01/2024 11:15

Hi all

Just an update! I ended up ending the relationship which has been mental since with tying everything outstanding up!

Basically, I gave the benefit of the doubt. Then the next night we were together he made yet another comment on the boobs - lol - saying he can't wait to see the benefits of my new weight training as my boobs will get "firmer" 😂 I told him there and then that it was inappropriate to say that, that my boobs were perfectly fine and if he didnt like them, I was perfectly fine to leave.

Of course he backtracked, tried to apologise etc but I made sure to leave his keys, get my key back and go back home.

The ED pills were misplaced so my bad on that one.

Communications with the other girls etc was discussed and I had seen and some were very flirty conversations and discovered he was speaking to a lot more I had never heard of in Snapchat etc. Which is odd for being in a relationship. But apparently he sees nothing wrong with it despite me saying I wasnt comfortable with it back in June last year.

Since then, he's turned a bit nasty, calling me a "user" etc. We had a holiday booked for June in which I had to pay off to him straight away and change the lead passenger to me as I dont want my child missing out on his holiday so I am around £900 down straight away.

Obviously a small price to pay for maintaining your self confidence.

I must be blocked on social media, number etc but he has left flowers etc at the door and cryptic notes saying his life is over which I've ignored.

What a week 😂

OP posts:
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MermaidEyes · 15/01/2024 11:23

Well I'm glad to see your update. Know your worth! Enjoy your independence, one day when you're ready a decent guy will come along.

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ellie09 · 15/01/2024 11:30

MermaidEyes · 15/01/2024 11:23

Well I'm glad to see your update. Know your worth! Enjoy your independence, one day when you're ready a decent guy will come along.

Not any men for a long long time, if ever.

Time for my own time 🙌🏻

OP posts:
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BrightGreenMoonBuggy · 15/01/2024 11:35

Well done, Ellie. Definitely better off without him and his shitty negging. Can’t believe he had the audacity to say it a second time instead of him realising that even just the once was shameful behaviour. Absolutely nobody should be in a relationship with a man who looks at their body and makes completely uncalled for comments about their breasts not being firm etc. What on earth makes him feel confident that he can say things like that with no consequence? He probably felt quite pleased that he got away with it the first time so thought he’d have that second little dig at you. It’s exactly how some nasty men start - chipping away slowly at women. But not you!

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ManateeFair · 15/01/2024 11:39

ellie09 · 15/01/2024 11:15

Hi all

Just an update! I ended up ending the relationship which has been mental since with tying everything outstanding up!

Basically, I gave the benefit of the doubt. Then the next night we were together he made yet another comment on the boobs - lol - saying he can't wait to see the benefits of my new weight training as my boobs will get "firmer" 😂 I told him there and then that it was inappropriate to say that, that my boobs were perfectly fine and if he didnt like them, I was perfectly fine to leave.

Of course he backtracked, tried to apologise etc but I made sure to leave his keys, get my key back and go back home.

The ED pills were misplaced so my bad on that one.

Communications with the other girls etc was discussed and I had seen and some were very flirty conversations and discovered he was speaking to a lot more I had never heard of in Snapchat etc. Which is odd for being in a relationship. But apparently he sees nothing wrong with it despite me saying I wasnt comfortable with it back in June last year.

Since then, he's turned a bit nasty, calling me a "user" etc. We had a holiday booked for June in which I had to pay off to him straight away and change the lead passenger to me as I dont want my child missing out on his holiday so I am around £900 down straight away.

Obviously a small price to pay for maintaining your self confidence.

I must be blocked on social media, number etc but he has left flowers etc at the door and cryptic notes saying his life is over which I've ignored.

What a week 😂

I’m glad you’ve finally ended this relationship - you’ve been posting a lot about the many issues with this man ever since you met him, I think, so it clearly wasn’t healthy. I’m really pleased you’ve ditched this idiot! Sorry you’ve had such a stressful week but hopefully there’s also an element of relief?

You’ve posted about other relationships with men who were clearly bad news, including at least one who was abusive, without much of a gap between them. I think maybe you’d really benefit from stepping away from dating for a while and maybe getting some counselling/therapy so you can focus on yourself and your boundaries and anxieties and just be single for a while. You’re clearly a really smart and capable woman, but it seems to me like relationships with men are your weak spot, if that makes sense. You deserve better than this, plus you have a child, and I definitely think you’d be a lot happier if you had a break from dating and took some time to take stock of things and work on your own happiness/boundaries before looking to meet someone again.

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ellie09 · 15/01/2024 11:46

ManateeFair · 15/01/2024 11:39

I’m glad you’ve finally ended this relationship - you’ve been posting a lot about the many issues with this man ever since you met him, I think, so it clearly wasn’t healthy. I’m really pleased you’ve ditched this idiot! Sorry you’ve had such a stressful week but hopefully there’s also an element of relief?

You’ve posted about other relationships with men who were clearly bad news, including at least one who was abusive, without much of a gap between them. I think maybe you’d really benefit from stepping away from dating for a while and maybe getting some counselling/therapy so you can focus on yourself and your boundaries and anxieties and just be single for a while. You’re clearly a really smart and capable woman, but it seems to me like relationships with men are your weak spot, if that makes sense. You deserve better than this, plus you have a child, and I definitely think you’d be a lot happier if you had a break from dating and took some time to take stock of things and work on your own happiness/boundaries before looking to meet someone again.

Oh I will be on my own for a long time now!

Concentrating on saving for a house for me and DS and also getting back in routine for gym, self care etc. I am at the age where I love my own company and it definitely doesnt scare me any longer! I look forward to the nights I get to myself 😊

Ive had lots of therapy last year so I dug out notes and journals recently with the affirmations which has helped loads!

OP posts:
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Crikeyisthatthetime · 15/01/2024 23:11

Well done OP you should be proud of yourself. Enjoy your new life.

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porridgeisbae · 15/01/2024 23:41

Well done OP xx

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