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AIBU?

Right to be suspicious or losing my mind?

150 replies

ellie09 · 08/01/2024 14:05

I hadn't really had any suspicions of cheating from my current partner until recently. Even then I am still really unsure.

He is 3 years younger than me (I'm 30) and stays in most of the time as he games etc. We live separately but close by (within a mile). Every weekend we will spend together and if I get an unexpected night to myself, he is always available at short notice. Always has stayed affectionate etc.

Anyhow, the last lot of weeks, there has been some really subtle changes as below:

  1. The ED pills. He originally got them and they worked well (he has issues and always has). He still had a couple left a couple of weeks ago and we haven't had sex since (he says he cut his foreskin and it was sore, and I have been ill). I went to his medicine drawer to get some pain killers a couple of days ago and noticed that the ED box was empty (they could be placed elsewhere but not sure)


  1. Snapchat. He has a HUGE amount of notifications that he never reads on his phone. Mostly gaming notifications. He will openly use his phone in front of me and flick through quickly etc. The past few times there has been a Snapchat notification from a girls name (I can't make out the name as its too quick scrolling) and I see bits of the message but not everything. What stood out to me were certain emojis used - ❤😘 etc but there wasnt enough time to read the message. Ive asked him why he doesn't just remove all his notifications as ot would do my head in, and he says its so he can ignore them but go back to them later. He doesnt have ghost mode on, so I am able to see when he is online Snapchat. As soon as I get home, he is online Snapchat.


  1. Backhanded comments. He recently told me I had "mum boobs" while I assume he was irritated. He seems to be making more and more comments about how he doesnt like fat girls (I'm not fat by the way, he is the one thats fat). He's went on to also say he went for looks in the past but "looks aren't everything".


Despite the above, everything else is pretty much the same. We spend a lot of time together, he barely goes near his phone and will openly leave it around me etc, although he had some elaborate unlock pattern on his phone (which he has ALWAYS had, this isnt new)

Does this sound suspicious to you?

I have been cheated on in the past (although it was a LOT more obvious) and I dont know whether I am just paranoid, or right to question and investigate things a little more?

I wouldn't even know where to start to even validate anything because obviously if I say anything, even if its true, I wont get a straight answer?

The next time I see the Snapchat for example, do I point and question him on who that is? I want to be subtle at the moment seeing as I dont exactly know whats going on.
OP posts:
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Am I being unreasonable?

358 votes. Final results.

POLL
You are being unreasonable
25%
You are NOT being unreasonable
75%
millymog11 · 08/01/2024 19:21

"He recently told me I had "mum boobs" "

Why do i get a feeling this bloke is talking about himself here and/or projecting? He clearly has "man boobs" because he is fat and out of shape.
I do feel outraged for OP but even my outrage does not cancel out my confusion as to why she is still with this guy.

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wronginalltherightways · 08/01/2024 19:27

Aquamarine1029 · 08/01/2024 14:09

He 27 with ED and spends his life gaming. FFS, is this really what you want for your life? Raise the bar.

FIrst response nailed it.

Why are you wasting your life on this loser? Seriously. Why?

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porridgeisbae · 08/01/2024 19:32

@ellie09 Making derogatory comments about my body is on my dealbreaker list, and it should be on yours, too. That's a man who doesn't really like you and doesn't know how to talk to a woman. Well, it's verbal abuse really and the more hinting comments about looks not mattering etc are psychological abuse, designed to make you feel bad.

You have another abuser here, just a probably fatter and lazier one. Sad

And yes, ED is on my dealbreaker list too, and it should've been when I was 30. Don't mostly miss out on decent sex for the next couple of decades like I did.

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sausagepastapot · 08/01/2024 19:47

I have said yabu because he sounds like an absolute tosser of a loser, and you need to dump him asap. what a fucking waste of time

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Illbebythesea · 08/01/2024 19:52

I don’t know @ellie09 but your description of him hardly turns me on 🤮

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Moaning5 · 08/01/2024 19:59

Did you do a separate thread about the mum boobs ?
This alone would see him kicked to the kerb. Nasty.

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godmum56 · 08/01/2024 20:00

Asking my usual question....why do you stay?

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porridgeisbae · 08/01/2024 20:00

I'll summarise your previous descriptions of his behaviour @ellie09 to help you decide.

He is vociferous about others such as exes, lies, displays what you rightly see as shifty behaviour towards women online, has also insulted your labia, and is possibly poo-ey.

You are sexually frustrated and sometimes lonely.

How he treats you will not be helping you improve unhealthy habits in your life, and as you have MS you need a partner who is more supportive and mature than this one. In fact, any woman deserves a better one than this one.

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lightand · 08/01/2024 20:00

Merryoldgoat · 08/01/2024 14:28

I remember your last thread.

Why are you wasting your time with this idiot?

So there is another thread too. Hmm.

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LuluBlakey1 · 08/01/2024 20:00

Reading what you say about him, I don't know why you are with him. He sounds a dead loss.

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porridgeisbae · 08/01/2024 20:01

lightand · 08/01/2024 20:00

So there is another thread too. Hmm.

@lightand There's a lot.

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blackrabbitwhiterabbit · 08/01/2024 20:03

Aquamarine1029 · 08/01/2024 14:09

He 27 with ED and spends his life gaming. FFS, is this really what you want for your life? Raise the bar.

Yeh...THIS

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ChampagneLassie · 08/01/2024 20:03

He sounds such a catch, and your relationship fantastic (I’m not fat he is by the way) this was like a romantic short story. Seriously you don’t sound like you like him and there doesn’t sound much to like about him anyways, raise your standards.

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MermaidEyes · 08/01/2024 20:09

and is possibly poo-ey.

He's sounding better by the minute 🤢.

Is OP planning on coming back?

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sodyouraynauds · 08/01/2024 20:11

Is there a link to the last thread? I can't find.

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LordBummenbachsMagnificentBalls · 08/01/2024 20:15

I voted YABU because it is ridiculous you are still with, and making posts about, this shit-streaking, lazy, negging fuckwit of a man.

Block him. Seek counselling to understand why you are wringing your hands in desperation to understand and remain with such a fucking loser.

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porridgeisbae · 08/01/2024 20:15

@sodyouraynauds I don't want to make OP feel naked but you can Advance Search usernames and click 'threads.'

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Thecatmaster · 08/01/2024 20:22

I actually don't think that he is cheating tbh.
And I'm not going to comment harshly upon your relationship. Only you know if he makes you happy and whether it is worth continuing with. I would have speak to him about the comments about your body. That's not fair and unkind. It sounds like he's deflecting. I would also think hard about what you want for your future. Would you like to get a place together, get married, have children etc? Because unfortunately gaming is pretty addictive and escapist and you may find that he won't reduce the time that he spends on it if you were to have children. In essence he probably needs to grow up. I don't have a problem with his ED. If tablets work that's not so much of a problem and it's not his fault. It would be rather cruel to ditch him for that, imo. But the gaming would be the bigger issue for me.

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Rosiem2808 · 08/01/2024 20:29

Aquamarine1029

He 27 with ED and spends his life gaming. FFS, is this really what you want for your life? Raise the bar.
This

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Cetim · 08/01/2024 20:39

The emoji are suspect. I would challenge him on that. Don't worry about the ED pills as that could be for any number of reasons. The comments about your looks are unacceptable and I would be suspicious too. Trust your gut and ask him about the emoji but don't accuse him out right. If he is cheating you will know eventually.

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crappyname · 08/01/2024 20:46

I married a gamer who was 3 years younger than me who lived with mummy and had never had a girlfriend and had ED due to excessive porn.

We had 2 children and they are both in school, dh goes to work comes home and goes straight on Xbox until bedtime yes every night and every weekend, we sit in complete silence and I have no telly to watch so come on MN.

He rarely spends time with the children and is very sleezy.
Like your "man" he criticises everything I do, if it's not done his way it's wrong, although he doesn't comment on my looks (small blessings)
He won't change and neither will your man, run away.
I've been stuck with my husband over 10 years because his names on the tenancy and it's H/A and he's not going anywhere and neither can I or the children.

Don't be me op, it's too late for me but you're still in your 30s run away and run fast.

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DriftingDora · 08/01/2024 20:48

God, he sounds a real catch (not). Why in heaven's name are you putting up with this idiot? Have you no pride? The critical comments alone are a dealbreaker - get rid of him.

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MsDogLady · 08/01/2024 20:51

@ellie09, I commented on your recent thread regarding his appalling comments about your body. We all were horrified by his nasty negging meant to humiliate you, but you actually downplayed by calling him ‘a little cheeky’ and ‘a bit annoying.’ He also refused to take a walk with you and sent you on your way.

You’ve also written about his habit of ‘stealing your thunder’ and his
one-upmanship.

He has now done something to elicit a heart and kissy face from a woman.

In a nutshell, he is a disgusting pig who enjoys diminishing you in a myriad of ways. I wouldn’t disrespect myself by staying with such a loser, and I certainly wouldn’t expose my child to him.

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GoodnightJude1 · 08/01/2024 20:55

I think you’re safe OP….. I’m not sure anyone else would want him.

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chaosmaker · 08/01/2024 21:04

Try being single for a while, have read your other threads.

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