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AIBU?

Infidelity and forgiveness

119 replies

ffs2024 · 08/01/2024 09:25

How does one do this? In a nutshell, DH had a ONS last year. With a man. I have since discovered he was on various websites and signed up to them. Secret affairs and grinder to name a few. Reddit was a particular issue as he quickly started to access more explicit material and talking to other redditors. The topics were extreme and even now gross me out.

He acknowledged his behaviour but seems to get angry that I'm still impacted by this. He is otherwise a loving person and is extremely supportive.

Current issue is he wants closeness but I can't stop thinking about what he did. The betrayal and frankly some of it being awful in terms of his likes. When we discuss it, we end at a stalemate because he can't deal with the fact that I ‘hate’ (his word) some of his likes. I can't deny that it does make me feel sick thinking about this part of him and I don't like it.

How does one move on from this? I don't want to leave him. Im especially interested to hear from others who have experienced something similar.

OP posts:
nonmerci99 · 08/01/2024 09:31

Does your husband say he’s bisexual…? I’m not sure how you move past this, as it sounds like he’s looking for sex with men on the side. Are you sure it’s only happened once? Would you be happy to stay married and turn a blind eye to his infidelities? It just sounds like he’s unlikely to stop. I’m so sorry you’re going through this.

BoohooWoohoo · 08/01/2024 09:32

It’s ok not to be able to forgive him.
Did you know that he was bisexual? In your shoes, I’d be worried that he was really gay and not be able to forget that really. Does he have parents, friends and family who would disapprove if he came out?

When you say he wants closeness, presumably you mean sex. It would take a lot of time and counselling for me to accept that he was sorry and that he wasn’t repressing his true sexuality. I would date bisexual people but exploring while you date is very different to suddenly funding out. Your h’s attitude to you not being over it shows that he doesn’t really understand the effects of his actions.

glasdee · 08/01/2024 09:33

I’d move on by leaving him, I’m sorry, but I would.

ffs2024 · 08/01/2024 09:36

nonmerci99 · 08/01/2024 09:31

Does your husband say he’s bisexual…? I’m not sure how you move past this, as it sounds like he’s looking for sex with men on the side. Are you sure it’s only happened once? Would you be happy to stay married and turn a blind eye to his infidelities? It just sounds like he’s unlikely to stop. I’m so sorry you’re going through this.

Does your husband say he’s bisexual…?

Not quite. He says pansexual. I am gender critical. It feels him being attracted to transwomen somehow conflicts with me being GC.

I’m not sure how you move past this, as it sounds like he’s looking for sex with men on the side. Are you sure it’s only happened once?

I am as certain as I can be.

Would you be happy to stay married and turn a blind eye to his infidelities?

Absolutely not.

It just sounds like he’s unlikely to stop. I’m so sorry you’re going through this.

💐

OP posts:
pickledandpuzzled · 08/01/2024 09:37

He doesn’t get to cheat, lie and then say you have to get over it.

what about your safety while he cheats and lies and you think you are in a monogamous relationship?

And why should he be allowed to change the rules of your marriage without your consent or any consequences?

Im pretty sure next step is, it’s your fault for not being/doing everything he needs.

It’s over already. You aren’t married to the man you thought he was.

If you are content to stay in a sexless relationship, then work the rules of that out together. Maybe you cohabit but both have relationships elsewhere.

pickledandpuzzled · 08/01/2024 09:38

Funny how giving things a funky name makes them a matter of identity and aok.

ffs2024 · 08/01/2024 09:42

BoohooWoohoo · 08/01/2024 09:32

It’s ok not to be able to forgive him.
Did you know that he was bisexual? In your shoes, I’d be worried that he was really gay and not be able to forget that really. Does he have parents, friends and family who would disapprove if he came out?

When you say he wants closeness, presumably you mean sex. It would take a lot of time and counselling for me to accept that he was sorry and that he wasn’t repressing his true sexuality. I would date bisexual people but exploring while you date is very different to suddenly funding out. Your h’s attitude to you not being over it shows that he doesn’t really understand the effects of his actions.

‘It’s ok not to be able to forgive him.
Did you know that he was bisexual?’


He says he's pansexual. I knew he was very open.

‘Does he have parents, friends and family who would disapprove if he came out?’

He grew up in a very repressed household. Personally, I think he is transferring on to me how he feels about himself and how he feels his parents would react. The ‘hate’ he keeps mentioning. That I hate that part of him.

‘When you say he wants closeness, presumably you mean sex.’

Not just sex. Hugs, kisses etc. But I sense he wants full acceptance from me. I can't give him that.

‘Your h’s attitude to you not being over it shows that he doesn’t really understand the effects of his actions.’

I agree with this and I think this is what I find so frustrating.

OP posts:
Sunflwer · 08/01/2024 09:42

I don't think I could get past it. He doesn't get to tell you how to be affected, or not, by his choices.

ffs2024 · 08/01/2024 09:43

glasdee · 08/01/2024 09:33

I’d move on by leaving him, I’m sorry, but I would.

I get this response. I've thought about it lots. But doing it is easier said than done.

OP posts:
ffs2024 · 08/01/2024 09:44

pickledandpuzzled · 08/01/2024 09:38

Funny how giving things a funky name makes them a matter of identity and aok.

I just find the whole identify thing tiresome.

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Orlistat2024 · 08/01/2024 09:52

I could not let this man anywhere near me.

So many wives ended up in the GUM clinic I worked at in London because of their husband’s infidelity. So many men having sex with men and transsexuals outside of their heterosexual marriages. The first the wives knew about it was when they attended the GUM for STD tests.

I am not GC and I don’t judge anyone’s sexual or identity preferences unless it’s abusive or exploitative.

He's been caught cheating once and in all likelihood he’s done it more times than that and he’s going to do it again.

You have one life to live. Yours. He is not going to stay faithful to you and he will have sex with a man or a transsexual again.

If you can live with this stay but leaving although hard is the option I would take.

Rosiem2808 · 08/01/2024 10:04

It isn't about identity OP. He has cheated and that is a different thing altogether. He doesn't get let off' just because he cheated with someone of the same sex...
If this were me he would be long gone

MatildaTheCat · 08/01/2024 10:06

It seems as if you have answered your own question in that you can’t move on from this betrayal. If you no longer want the closeness of even hugs, let alone sex, that demonstrates how repelled you are by his actions.

Thats ok. The onus isn’t on you to forgive it’s for him to make amends and do whatever it takes to try to repair the damage but that doesn’t seem to be happening? Hes moved the goalposts on your relationship and is now acting as if you are unreasonable to refuse this.

Why is separation so hard? Maybe by unpicking that issue you’ll feel more in control?

ffs2024 · 08/01/2024 10:11

MatildaTheCat · 08/01/2024 10:06

It seems as if you have answered your own question in that you can’t move on from this betrayal. If you no longer want the closeness of even hugs, let alone sex, that demonstrates how repelled you are by his actions.

Thats ok. The onus isn’t on you to forgive it’s for him to make amends and do whatever it takes to try to repair the damage but that doesn’t seem to be happening? Hes moved the goalposts on your relationship and is now acting as if you are unreasonable to refuse this.

Why is separation so hard? Maybe by unpicking that issue you’ll feel more in control?

Separation is hard because one I love him.. We've been together nearly 25 years. He has demonstrated love in so many other ways. We have children together. Practically, I am finaciallybdependmt on him and I have no family to whom I can go to as I am estranged from all my family owing to childhood abuse and neglect.

OP posts:
ffs2024 · 08/01/2024 10:14

@MatildaTheCat i think you make a good point in terms of hes not giving me time, I don't think he understands this. It feels like he has said sorry and now that's it.

OP posts:
MatildaTheCat · 08/01/2024 10:14

Yes, that’s very tough. What would you like to happen next? Is couples counselling an option?

pickledandpuzzled · 08/01/2024 10:16

He’s broken something. Does he realise that?

SpilltheTea · 08/01/2024 10:17

You don't, sorry. The trust is gone and your relationship will never be the same. Nothing he can say or do is going to change that because he can't go back in time. You won't regain that same affection. If you stay, you have to accept that. He isn't showing any consideration or understanding for what you're going through. Your feelings are just an inconvenience to him. Is it really worth staying and always being on edge because of a relationship that doesn't exist anymore?

ffs2024 · 08/01/2024 10:19

It feels like this expectation that I fully embrace all of his sexuality and kinks. I think he is confused and hates this part of himself too tbh. I think his very conservative upbringing only adds fuel to this.

Every now and again he mentions me being with another man and I just can't. The idea repulses me. The only man I would want anywhere near me is him, and yet I struggle to even allow this because of his betrayal. However I acknowledge that sex and intimacy with him is non existent. Our youngest is 3 and cosleeps. I have a chronic illness which impacts my mobility and energy levels. There are other stressors which mean I am just depleted.

OP posts:
ffs2024 · 08/01/2024 10:20

pickledandpuzzled · 08/01/2024 10:16

He’s broken something. Does he realise that?

I don't think he sees it this way because he has provided everywhere else.

OP posts:
ffs2024 · 08/01/2024 10:21

MatildaTheCat · 08/01/2024 10:14

Yes, that’s very tough. What would you like to happen next? Is couples counselling an option?

Yes we've spoken about this. I think this is needed.

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MILTOBE · 08/01/2024 10:21

You know if you experienced abuse when you were growing up, it's harder to recognise it when you're adult as you define it as normal behaviour?

Look at things logically. Your husband is having sex with transwomen and is blaming you for not being able to accept it. I would say that 100% of GC women could not accept that. I'd also say that 99% of all women couldn't accept that.

If you are not financially able to split now, then maybe you need to think longer term. What are you trained to do? What would you like to do? What would you have to do to get there?

Is there any chance of your husband cross dressing?

CoffeeMachineNewbie · 08/01/2024 10:22

He IS bisexual. He cheated.

Those are 2 issues. You arent ok with him being bisexual but you could turn a blind eye. However, you know he wants to explore this, which is why he cheated, and you know you will always look over your shoulder.

Be honest, what would he have to do to make things ok and normal again?

From where I'm standing, I dont think he can meet this expectation. Therefore I think the relationship is over, its just a question of how long you both drag it out and how much hurt is caused in the meantime.

MILTOBE · 08/01/2024 10:26

I hate to bring autism into this, but is there a possibility he's autistic? He seems to have very rigid thought processes. (And yes, I know, not all autistic people, etc.)

LenaLamont · 08/01/2024 10:27

He betrayed you and your marriage. Saying sorry doesn’t undo that.

You can get over it or not to your own timescale. He doesn’t get a say in that.

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