Infidelity and forgiveness

[ffs2024]

How does one do this? In a nutshell, DH had a ONS last year. With a man. I have since discovered he was on various websites and signed up to them. Secret affairs and grinder to name a few. Reddit was a particular issue as he quickly started to access more explicit material and talking to other redditors. The topics were extreme and even now gross me out.

He acknowledged his behaviour but seems to get angry that I'm still impacted by this. He is otherwise a loving person and is extremely supportive.

Current issue is he wants closeness but I can't stop thinking about what he did. The betrayal and frankly some of it being awful in terms of his likes. When we discuss it, we end at a stalemate because he can't deal with the fact that I ‘hate’ (his word) some of his likes. I can't deny that it does make me feel sick thinking about this part of him and I don't like it.

How does one move on from this? I don't want to leave him. Im especially interested to hear from others who have experienced something similar.

He is gaslighting you, because when you are angry about his cheating and lies, he is turning it round to be all baout how uncool you are and how unkind you are to not support him. He is making it sound as if YOU are the problem, because you won't be cool with his sexuality.

So you end up feeling guilty, as if it is somehow your fault, as if you have been the one who didn't play fair.

That is ALL gaslighting.
The reality is
he cheated
he has changed the goal psots
he is unrepentant
he is still tyring to have his cake and eat it.

So he cheated before and his trying to cheat again. His making you out to be the bad guy because you just can’t get over it and are no longer affectionate.

Does he not understand how when you break something or someone it/they are never the never same even once repaired and repairs are not easy.

Brake a vase and only tape it the water still flows out the gaps and it falls apart again, you can’t demand the vase is fixed. You can slowly and painstakingly glue the vase back together and it might be 99% fine but you might still find the odd leak breaks though. That the glue doesn’t hold forever and it still need more restoration over time to be watertight again.

You’re honestly worth so much more don’t let him blame his pans or autism on not understanding. He certainly understands how to feel mad that your no bending to his will.

Great analogy - thankyou

OP how are you doing now?

You are getting some fantastic support here and also, knowledge.
Keep empowering yourself with everything you read here, do not let this man load his shame and anger onto you. You are not to blame, for anything.

He is abusive.

Thankyou

I agree some thought provoking advice. He returned from work and is quiet. The kids had some big things going on today so I did text to say we had to park all this to focus on the kids. Hes been out to get a few bits and I thought it would be an opportunity for him to maybe buy a bunch of flowers, nope nothing. I've asked how his day has gone, this hasn't been reciprocated. I'm being treated like shit aren't I. I've been at home with the toddler all day, House cleaned, dinner cooked, washing etc… nothing

You move on by doing what is best for you xxx

I've just left him with the toddler and told him I'm going to bed. He's sat at the other end of the room on his phone, nothing. No attempt to do anything to acknowledge what's he's done.

If I hurt someone I would want to know how I needed to make it right. I would ask. I would check in. But he's literally stone walling me.

He is stonewalling you yes, it's the next tactic because you have had the temerity to question his behaviour.

You are being treated like shit, yes, and while I'm so sorry this is happening to you, I'm so very glad you realise this. A bunch of flowers wouldn't make a bit of difference here.

That isn't a you problem op. He is the problem. He wants to have his sexual lifestyle he wants with your blessing while you wait at home keeping house.

He is becoming abusive by stonewalling you so you bend to his will. I'd ask him to leave op. I don't see a future and you deserve someone who worships the ground you walk on

The stonewalling is part of gaslighting.
He is making you doubt yourself, making you wonder if it is you.
making you question whether you did something, because all the time he sits there looking sad and sulking, it is basically him saying, I didn't do anything how can you be so mean to ME.

I am sorry to be so hard. I know this is the man you loved.
But his behaviour now is telling you that right now he does not love you.

I am a great believer that anyone can change. I would never rule out the possibility that someone could have a moment of revelation and realise what they had done, and turn their life round. But it is unbelievably rare and until it happens, and until they prove that they mean it, you must take his behaviour for what it is.
He doesn't believe he has done anything wrong. It is all your fault in his eyes, because you are concerned about him and his needs.

Seriously who cares whom he's sleeping with? Bullshit with the pansexuality. The issue is he lied and lied and lied and cheated and put your health at risk.
There really isn't very much more to it, however complex his sexuality is.
He's a liar and a cheat. Being whatever-sexual has nothing to do with it.

You entered into a monogamous heterosexual partnership.

He does not want and is not capable of a monogamous heterosexual partnership.

It is a deal breaker, the deal is broken.

A monogamous heterosexual partnership is impossible with him.

Yet he wants all the advantages and privileges of a monogamous heterosexual partnership and family, alongside all the advantages of a "pan sexual"/bisexual, varied lifestyle.

He doesn't get both.

There isn't one woman in a million who'd accept that - the only person who would would be a similarly "pan sexual" woman who wanted an open relationship. Let him find that (needle in hay stack) though personally I suspect he wouldnt end up with that if set loose, he'd just be homosexual. Hes pursuing the "pan sexuality" angle because he's already in this ltr/family and doesn't want anything to change. He wants to keep the status quo. He wants to have his cake and eat it.

He thinks you're a doormat who'll go along with it.

Sorry, but that's obvious from all your posts.

He thinks he just needs to huff, sulk, show you he's unhappy with you, pressure you, manipulative you; and you'll fold to please him/accommodate him. He is top dog. He runs the show.

He has some fucking neck on him, that'd for sure.

I take it this is mostly the dynamic of your entire relationship.

He is trying to railroad you in to believing that pansexuality or bisexuality means you are allowed to force a person you are in a relationship with to enter into a consenting polygamous relationship. You have not at any point consent for him to have relationships out of the home. Also pansexuality and bisexuality does not mean you must be in simultaneous relationships with men, women, non-binary or transgender people. It means you are attractive to a diverse group of people not restricted to the people of opposite gender to yourselves. You can and lots of people are in loving faithful long term relationship of all varieties and find people of all gender definitions attractive. I am bisexual but have been in a relationship with a man since I was 18. It doesn't stop me finding women attractive but I don't do anything about it because first and foremost I love my partner and I don't want to hurt more than I many years ago when acutely mentally unwell

If I hurt someone I would want to know how I needed to make it right. I would ask. I would check in. But he's literally stone walling me.

That's because you care!! He doesn't.

I appreciate you really want to find a way to work it out, again, because you are so caring.
But he doesn't want to work it out op.
What he wants is for you to be quiet about what he is doing to you.

This is already crippling your self worth.

He is abusing you. Please seriously think about getting away from him.

Unfortuately op, I agree with everything Ladolcevita233 has said..I thought the exact same things..

You have every right to hate his sexuality so stop letting him make you feel guilty for hating 'that part of him.' No woman wants there husband to be gay/bisexual/pansexual or what whatever he is. That doesn't make you homophobic, you got into a relationship with a man who you believed was attracted to women, who chose you to be his one woman, and 25 years later he wants you to just accept that not only does he fancy men but he has gone behind your back and slept with one. This man does not deserve your forgiveness