Infidelity and forgiveness

[ffs2024]

How does one do this? In a nutshell, DH had a ONS last year. With a man. I have since discovered he was on various websites and signed up to them. Secret affairs and grinder to name a few. Reddit was a particular issue as he quickly started to access more explicit material and talking to other redditors. The topics were extreme and even now gross me out.

He acknowledged his behaviour but seems to get angry that I'm still impacted by this. He is otherwise a loving person and is extremely supportive.

Current issue is he wants closeness but I can't stop thinking about what he did. The betrayal and frankly some of it being awful in terms of his likes. When we discuss it, we end at a stalemate because he can't deal with the fact that I ‘hate’ (his word) some of his likes. I can't deny that it does make me feel sick thinking about this part of him and I don't like it.

How does one move on from this? I don't want to leave him. Im especially interested to hear from others who have experienced something similar.

I think your H is being very naive in imagining you can put all this behind you and go back to where you were. It isn't really about forgiveness as much as about you having to try to accept that the man you're married to is entirely different from what you'd thought, both in terms of his sexual preferences and in terms of his honesty and integrity.
I think you need to do a lot of private reflection around that. This isn't a misdemeanor he's committed, never to be repeated, so forgive him and all will be well; t's a big reveal about who he really is. So, do you want him now the mask is off?
Once you've decided, then is the time for a frank conversation about where you go from here. If you don't want him but don't want to leave, what would that look like? How would you live together and what would be your boundaries?

Regardless of all the labels he has cheated and is not seemingly accepting of how it has made you feel. In fact worse than that HE is hurt by you feeling this way?

Come on now - you deserve better than this. You will survive without him. Financially you will get a settlement. Counselling is not going to make him change his mind. His suggestion of you with another man? Tell him to fuck off.

You say it was a ONS and seem to excuse it as this. But to me it sounds more like he’s only had one opportunity, rather than he made a single mistake. He’s on apps looking for other hook-ups at the very least. I think this is why you are finding it hard to forgive.

He may have said he’s sorry, but sorry means you won’t do it again- whereas I think deep down you know he’d cheat on you again in a heartbeat should the opportunity arise. That’s why you can’t forgive him.

your financial dependency on him is pushing you into a situation where you are having to accept behaviour you aren’t comfortable with

There is absolutely no way I'd stay with my husband after this. I could forgive some things. But the ONS with a man and being on websites etc. It's too much. I'd be more likely to forgive a ONS with a woman he'd met in a bar when drunk (although I'm sure I wouldn't) but at least that wouldn't be pre meditated and wouldn't put into question his whole sexuality!
You need to leave this cheating man. You'll never be able to get past this. He's betrayed you, he doesn't value you as a woman and is still fantasising about sleeping with other men. Why would he stop after just one? Get rid!

Goodness that’s a huge amount for you to deal with. I’m sorry I am a bit of an old bird and don’t know what pans sexual or gender critical are. In old money he’s bisexual or perhaps gay and living a lie, but were you aware of his sexual preferences? I couldn’t accept my husband having a ONS with a woman and I am sorry to who this offends but if he slept with a man I would be beyond horrified, I would never be able to let him near me ever again.

only you can decide if he is worth staying for but if you do then you are allowed to take as long as you need to heal and get over your anger. He doesn’t get to break you and then be cross that your unable to put yourself back together, it could take months/years, it may not be possible to ever get over. Betrayal is one of the most painful things to deal with, it blows your work apart and nothing seems real anymore, the basis of your entire existence together then also comes into question because who is this person, did I ever know them? I do speak from experience and for me moving on was not possible, but in the long run it was also the best thing that ever happened to me.

I think you need to find a counsellor to speak to on a one to one basis, let them help you to unravel your thoughts because I am sure everything is in a tangle like a bit piece of knotted wool - they will help you to unravel
it and then you can come to a decision about what you want to do. In the meantime your husband needs to back of an let you do what ever you need to do.

i am so sorry you are having to deal with this, what an unbearable situation. He has done this, he chose to do this, do not think for one minute that you need to do anything to make him feel accepted/loved, you have every right to be angry.

I suspect he's identifying as pansexual so that he can label you a bigot if you have a problem with it. It's his 'identity' and therefore you can't question it.

Frankly, I'd identify him as a cheat and be done with it.

Personally I couldn’t forgive someone who:

1. endangered my sexual health (I hope you’ve had a check up op)
2. refused to accept responsibility
3. won’t communicate
4. doesn’t understand the damage they’ve caused and
5. isn’t sorry (because it doesn’t really sound like your DH is)

Bin him. You’ll survive.

This!

He can give himself all the labels he wants to and identify with a wheelie bin if that’s what he wishes.

Still doesn’t take away the fact he’s a dirty stinking liar and a cheat.

I’m so sorry you’re going through this op. Truly I am, what a difficult situation.

In reality it’s not going to be a one off. All the things he was doing on Reddit, grinder and other cheating sites show an intention to explore this side to him and have sexual relations on the side. Yes he got caught but he’ll just be better at hiding it now - is what I’d imagine.

sexually, please protect yourself as you now cannot trust him.
You want monogamy and he doesn’t, he wants it with others. It’s unfair of him to ask you to accept his kinks, they are repulsive and you are not wrong in being disgusted by them.

It’s unfair of him to minimise the hurt he’s put you through as well. You have every right to be hurt, betrayed, disgusted and to feel as if you can’t trust him. Most of us would feel the way you’re feeling.

He doesn’t get to now rewrite how your relationship will be. Asking you to sleep with other men is gross and tells you what he thinks about monogamy and faithfulness.

You now have a decision to make. Whatever you choose will be hard: staying with him and knowing he’s being unfaithful. Leaving, starting over - it being hard for a while but bouncing back eventually

He cheated on you. You know this. He admits this. That would be the end for me. I wouldn't care who he cheated with woman or man makes little difference just he cheated on you. He didn't respect your marriage vows. I'd divorce him. That's what I did when my husband cheated on me. He tried to stay by crying and saying he'd made a mistake and pleased with me to take him back. I said no because I knew I wouldn't want sex with him again after he'd slept with someone else so I knew it couldn't work anymore. We'd had a good sex life so it wasn't as if he wasn't getting much sex.

It's not a one night stand when you have tried so hard to make it happen, courted multiple strange men on platforms specifically designed for sexual needs AND then gone to meet them before having sex. That's not a one night stand, that's a well planned campaign to realise his fantasies and get his end away.

Why wasn't he thinking of you over these weeks or months of planning and entertaining all of these men online?

I put it to you that he is not the kind of caring man you claim he is, rather, his own sexual needs come above your emotions and wellbeing. In short, ditch the perverse arsehole and move on.

You really really need to have a full sexual health checkup. Women whose male partners are having sex with men on the side are at very high risk, because it's likely their partners are having unprotected sex in their hookups. I would also assume that he has in fact had other hookups where you didn't catch him and he's not about to freely confess. The odds that you caught him out on his first ever extracurricular adventure are... low. Please go to your local sexual health clinic asap and tell them what's happened in order to arrange a full set of tests.

Emotionally speaking... I'm not one who's going to have a whole Thing about the fact that the person he's cheated with is male - although there is a practical implication in this case because of the health risks he's exposing you to. But cheating is cheating. He has hugely broken and abused your trust and he doesn't seem to care. At all. I don't think that's something that someone with any self-respect can move past. Do you?

Also, please please do not fool yourself with "but we haven't had sex since he's been doing this". You don't know how long this goes back. Very possibly many years, and you have a baby with him, so you've definitely had unprotected sex with him not that long ago.

Men in "straight" relationships who have sex with men on the side are a big focus group for people working in sexual health because their sexual behaviour is so risky; unlike out gay men, they rarely use any protection.

This is a huge problem with those that 'find out later in life' that they have a different sexuality.
They get to shit all over their original partner and then cry about how they are being mistreated because of their sexuality.

Its absolute bollocks. He doesn't get to cheat and not repent. He's a lying, disgusting cheating dickhead. End of. He has zero remorse or care about how this has impacted you. You have one of two options. Either you split (this is the best thing to do), or you force some serious counselling on this guy, especially together so he can set his ego aside and see why you wouldn't want to touch someone after how vile they have behaved.

It doesn't matter about repressed sexuality. No one should ever treat the person they're supposed to love, like this. You deserve so much better. You and your kids deserve better.

I couldn't get past this. It's not just a ons. This could be one of many. He's shown repeated dishonesty with all the stuff he's doing online too. Not to mention putting your health at risk. I hope to god he used protection. Please get checked out at a clinic.

Op you need to look into betrayal trauma. You won't be able to move forward or forget its happened. It's trauma.

Your partner sounds like he has sex addiction. Particularly the way it is escalating. That isn't an excuse for his behaviour and doesnt mean you have to support him. But having the right information can help support you through this.

I'd suggest podcasts such as pbse helping couples heal, choose to be. Reddit forum love after porn
Omar minwalla integrity abuse and secret sexual basement
Jake porter
Your brain on porn website
Paula Hall books and the laurel centre. You will both need a specialised atsac trained therapist. Not your typical couples counselling because their is abuse present where you have played no role at all.

It is possible to save the relationship but percentages are low of success. It would need him to enter a recovery and sobriety. No only addiction recovery but integrity recovery. It's full on.

Please focus on your recovery from this. Maybe a long term plan to be independent so you're always free to leave.

Right so he has said sorry, that's nice but what has he actually done to work on making thing right? Anyone can say "sorry" it's just words but it means nothing without action. What has he done, initiated by him, to show you can try to trust him again? STD testing, offered access to email or phone, has he started counseling, anything at all, again initiated by him, to demonstrate to you he understands the depth of betrayal to your relationship?

There is no value to you having to hound him to do these things, he will only be resentful and feel justified to betray you again as he feels "nagged". I remember when I discovered my partner cheated reading that infidelity experts say that it takes on average five years to work back to a place of trust after marriage betrayal, that is five years of both partners working openly and honestly t heal the marriage. In the beginning I attended therapy and worked my socks off, he responded by continuing lying and the affair. that period was a waste of my time and efforts and I deeply regret the missed opportunities I could have had during that time. think carefully OP, attend a therapist on your own that has experience in infidelity trauma and think about what you want your life to be like in the future.

you desperately need help with this.
Couples counselling would be very helpful.

But to be clear, counselling doesn not alwways lead to reconciliation. Often it leads to enough understanding of each other to understand why you need to split up, and to support your communication through that.

At the moment, he holds all the power and counselling should help you both to communicate.

I cannot imagine in your situation staying with him.
The only option I can see is staying together in the same house in order to co-parent, and not as an actual couple.

he obvioulsy has needs and desires that you don;t and it is fine to say that this is somethign you are not interested in, and that you can't fogive him.

My Dgran used to say "only God can forgive, the rest of us need to consider the consequences then decide what to do next".

I think with such betrayal only you can decide whether he's really worth staying with or cutting your losses and moving on with your lives separately. His gaslighting of his betrayal of you and his lack of remorse speaks volumes.

You're not sexually compatible and he continues to put your health at risk. Get tested.

It's the person that causes the hurt that does the changing

I was on the other side of this coin and I had became acutely manic and cheated. It hurt my partner but we have moved past it. It took time, it's over 10 years ago. The main thing that helped was me taking ownership of what happened and me getting treatment for my mental health and being proactive with treatment and engaging with treatment.

This isn't on you to accept an open relationship. It is on your husband to live within the rules of the relationship he has broken the contract and it is on him to bring it together again. From what you have said I'm not sure how realistic this is

Well that exploded in between looking after the bairn! Will take the time to go through the responses. Thank-you.

Need to be clear he is not having sex with TW but I know would of given the opportunity and my blessing.

I find forgiveness very hard. It's hard to accept that someone who is supposed to love you can treat you do badly.

You don't need to forgive. Not that. It's a betrayal. A long term one. Even the getting over, will take a long long time.

He's being unreasonable. And you need to tell him so. He can't dictate to you how you should feel. That's just not on.

No - fairly certain he doesn't cross dress.

Well, it’s your life I suppose.
I couldn’t live like this; he’d need to go.