Infidelity and forgiveness

[ffs2024]

How does one do this? In a nutshell, DH had a ONS last year. With a man. I have since discovered he was on various websites and signed up to them. Secret affairs and grinder to name a few. Reddit was a particular issue as he quickly started to access more explicit material and talking to other redditors. The topics were extreme and even now gross me out.

He acknowledged his behaviour but seems to get angry that I'm still impacted by this. He is otherwise a loving person and is extremely supportive.

Current issue is he wants closeness but I can't stop thinking about what he did. The betrayal and frankly some of it being awful in terms of his likes. When we discuss it, we end at a stalemate because he can't deal with the fact that I ‘hate’ (his word) some of his likes. I can't deny that it does make me feel sick thinking about this part of him and I don't like it.

How does one move on from this? I don't want to leave him. Im especially interested to hear from others who have experienced something similar.

@MILTOBE yes he is autistic and I know this is impacting this hugely.

This is exactly it. It's the dishonesty and complete lack of judgement in the whole thing. It's also the fact he still doesn't see it and when it's brought up it will descend into him becoming sulky because I ‘hate’ that part of him.

His sexuality and yours aside, you don't get to go on a Grindr Spree without having some serious and considered informed conversations with your wife, and then expect her to be ok with it and want everything to stay the same.

Things are not the same, and they never will be. I would put to one side what he expects from you, that's not your focus now. You need to consider how you want to move forward, if you would consider a marriage of convenience because that suits you best, or you feel that the marriage is over. You get to choose, he doesn't get to demand forgiveness, warmth and convenience from you, that ship has sailed. Take up your own space, you a worth more as a partner than a facilitator for what takes his fancy.

💐

It's also the fact he still doesn't see it and when it's brought up it will descend into him becoming sulky because I ‘hate’ that part of him.

He seems to think you're his mum, not his wife. I wonder whether he thinks most other women would like that part of him.

A woman I am very close to went through similar. They did keep going but she said the hardest part of forgiving him was she felt she had to know all he had done to close the book and she's forgiven him whilst knowing this happened. I don't think that would have been the path I'd have chosen but she did.
The concern I have looking at your posts is your husband is framing this as 'I'm pansexual' when he's in fact a cheater. He cheated on you. Being bi or pansexual doesn't give you a get out of jail free card for cheating.

He and you seem to be very quick to bring up external factors to make 'allowances' for his behaviour.

It's you, YOU, that has to deal with the mental, practical and physical fallout from this (in terms of your sexual health). There is NO excuse for what he's done. I don't care if he's pansexual, autistic or beamed down from fucking Mars, his selfish, reckless actions have consequences FOR YOU. That is ALL you should care about.

And yet he doesn't seem to care about that one bit. Whinging on about how you hate what he's done and it hurts his feelings? Poor lamb. He wants closeness without fully acknowledging and addressing this huge betrayal. Fuck him. I'm so angry on your behalf and confused how you seem to be paying any mind at all to his bollocks.

Every time someone says they're pansexual, I think they'll just shag anyone.

Give that man an inch, and he’ll take 10 miles, along with your self worth. He’s already manipulating you by accusing you of ‘hating’ that part of him, as if it’s a character flaw in your part! What are you supposed to do with that part of him? Embrace it? It’s ok to hate that your husband wants to have sex with other men and with trans women. In fact, it’s a perfectly normal response that needs no further examination for unreasonableness.

Its ok to get angry, you know.

Wow thank you for all of that 💐

I couldn’t forgive him sleeping with another female but sleeping with another male is the ultimate betrayal(in my book). He’s either bi or gay and you need to decide if you can accept this. If not move on. Yes it will be hard but you don’t need to accept this in your life. .

I wouldn't care who's bum hole he shoved his knob up, male or female, he cheated.

The fact is he chose to forsake his marriage vows and do something vulgar behind your back and is a cheat.

You don't just get a one off feeling for bumming a bloke, it's now fixated in his mind and he's fobbing you off with saying it won't happen again. It will and probably already has.

But he's not owning the fact he cheated. He didn't just have a one night stand he indulged his kinks online, spoke to others and ended up cheating on you. By not being open about what he was engaging in online also adds to the cheating so don't let him reduce this to a simple one night stand. I'm very open, would not care if my partner was bi, pan, whatever, but if they have committed to me and went outside our marriage it would be over. He can't use the fact you hate that side of his sexuality against you when he's the one in the wrong. It's also a valid feeling you hate this part of him as he hadn't disclosed it prior and sounds like he actively hid it, being 'open' isn't the same thing. I don't think I could get past this as I would also be worried if he's seeking sexual interaction with a man then he's going to do it again as he won't be fulfilled in the marriage. Him asking if you would be another man is his way leading to asking for a threesome or an open marriage. Both things are only ok if it's mutual but if he's bringing it up so soon it might give an indication where his heads at or will go. You can love someone but not be right for each other

@Sparklfairy really appreciate your frankness and solidarity 💐

This.

A friend ended up exposed to HIV by her partner who used Grindr behind her back, knew his status and intentionally exposed her.

You absolutely cannot ever trust him.

I agree with @GoldDuster on this:

His sexuality and yours aside, you don't get to go on a Grindr Spree without having some serious and considered informed conversations with your wife, and then expect her to be ok with it and want everything to stay the same.

I'm afraid people can be as sorry as they want after infidelity , but that doesn't necessarily change the fact of how the betrayed 'feels' - in this case it's even more complicated by the fact it's a gay encounter. Sorry doesn't make everything alright

I have to be honest OP- however much you love him , it's very big ask on his part for you to trust again and a huge ask for you to feel the same way and I think you have to consider splitting , unless you are prepared to totally change your mindset to living 'as friends' and letting him have an open relationship- some do this .

Him cheating is very wrong but it doesn't sound like you gave him much space to be open about himself

Sorry you're going through this. Sounds shocking. Do you have children?
I personally couldn't ever be intimate with a man who do this to me as it would make my stomach churn. You might need some time to think about your options. I could never trust a man like this, think it's more because he's batting in different directions. Feels different than if he had an affair with a woman. You just don't know where this mans head is at and how many options he's explored for himself. I'd be very worried about STDs too. I hope you find a way to get through this. You do not deserve this sickening behaviour.

I just wanted to say a huge thank you to everyones frankness and openness. All have provided invaluable insight. One of the issues with all of this is it goes on behind closed doors. How do you speak openly about this with friends? Then I have no family of my own. However I do know if my daughter was treated like this I would ensure she knows she can leave anytime and stay with me.

I find myself fawning over him. I've spent a lifetime being the one to make amends to make life easier, to appease the people, mostly men, around me. We talk and he soon enters this sulking phase and it doesn't take long for me to give in to it. Howevera lot of what has been said here has helped me reframe a lot of my thoughts so at least the next time we talk about it I make it clear that the ‘hate’ he feels is not because of his swxuality but because he cheated. He lied and planned all of it.

That's really victim blaming. She's done nothing wrong. He's the one wanking on Reddit and hook up sites to TW and men. He's the one who met up with a man for sex.

Can you expand more?

Don't entertain it, he didn't do this because of anything you did or didn't do, the responsbility for the decisions he made is squarely at his door and your feelings are valid.

Who he's been shagging to one side for a minute, the fact that you're in a cycle of him sulking and you fawning to appease needs to be dealt with if you're going to be able to move through this in any meaningful way, if only for yourself.

Find a therapist you feel you click with and see if you can get some support while you move forward, this is a big deal in the scheme of a life and you really sound like you could do with a bit of an anchor while you move into the next phase.

In terms of how you tell people, you will know if you have friends that you can trust with this, who will show you and your children the care you deserve and treat the information you share with respect.

I couldn't sustain this awful (imo)state of affairs. He has cheated at least once with a man. His sexuality is apparently open to offers. No judgement but I wouldn't be happy with the situation. I'd get a job and move out.

I'm so sorry you are going through this OP. I understand the pain and horror you are going through, though it's not entirely the exact same situation, my DH had a ONS with a woman from work in 2018. In my case I knew from the beginning that I wouldn't ever forgive what he did, because to me it's not a forgivable action, it goes way past that. However, because he was deeply and genuinely remorseful, I was able to find a way to move forward and to accept that it was a very very painful part of our past, to learn to trust him again eventually - only because I could see his remorse was genuine - and because he does seem different now. In the past he took me granted, could sometimes be dismissive etc and I felt at times like he didn't really 'see' me, even though I was right there. This has all stopped now, and I know I am fully there in his attention, he is loving and kind to me, he has never taken me for granted since. So, because of these things I have been able to move forward and heal. If it ever happened again I would be very surprised but I also already know I would be out of there faster than he could blink, there will be no more chances. My worry with what you have said about your DH is that he gets angry and frustrated because you are still affected by his betrayal - that is totally wrong of him. There is no time limit on healing with stuff like this, it takes as long as it takes, and it will ONLY happen if you feel safe with him and are able to feel he has learned from it and is genuinely remorseful about his betrayal of you. I'm not getting that impression from what you have said. And the fact he is expecting you to be okay with all of this sex stuff that's been sprung on you - no wonder you feel so unsettled and unhappy. Now that you know this about him it does seem as though your compatibility is in question - but that's on him, entirely his fault, he should never have hidden it from you, then you could have made this decision whether it was something you could live with right at the start of the relationship, you could have moved on. Instead he has given you a truncated version of who he is, and now you are in this horrible situation. He has no right to be angry with you, this is ALL his fault. And if you decide to leave him no one would blame you at all.