To consider leaving my 3yo to cry for me

[Newmama93]

I have my second DS 5 weeks ago, my first DS was sleeping with my husband consistently for about a year (to get this to happen I had to let him scream for 2 plus hours at bedtime with DH until he finally accepted it) and would call out for him when he woke during the night as I used to work nights. He’d randomly call out for me when I was pregnant and home and I’d go in occasionally (if I didn’t he’d have a meltdown)

since my baby has arrived I’ve been in my bedroom (where I’ve always been) with the baby and my DH has just moved himself into my sons room and attempted to just sleep there all night with him instead of him calling out and I’m also co sleeping with our baby so didn’t want an extra adult in the bed..

my first DS has started to wake up 3/4 times a night and scream for me, my dh leaves the room to get me and my son won’t have him back in. He would tantrum for over an hour so I’ve just been going in, he has a cuddle and goes straight back to sleep. Problem is, he wakes again and if it’s dh back in the bed and not me it starts again he’s screaming mummy where are you! He’s hysterical begging my DH to go and get me.

so I’m breastfeeding second DS every 2 hours by the time I settle and get him back to sleep my son is screaming for me and I’m running on probably an hour overall of broken sleep. I’m so exhausted. I don’t want to leave my son and have my husband say no you can’t have mummy it’s me in this bed as I don’t want him to feel replaced but I can’t have this anymore. I dread nights and bed. I’ve also been putting my son to bed instead of my husband now as he begs me too and goes on and seems sooo upset, but I want my husband to be able too as well.

also… sometimes to get some sleep I’ll go into my sons room while my husband goes in our room and settles baby so it’s probably confusing for us to say no mummy can’t come in this room then at times I am in there.

side note my son has always been a mummys
bot and preferred me but he’s really against his dad at the moment, won’t go anywhere with him without me etc which is such a shame.

what do I do!!!!

I think it is about doing whatever works best for all four of you. Presumably your husband is going to work too and at the moment you are not. I would suggest Monday to Friday you do sleep in your room with baby and have a mattress on the floor and explain to your three year old that if needed he pops in and sleeps there. I think he needs choice and to feel more control and that he is calling some of the shots. This is not forever. Could your husband settle DS-1 - read first few books with him with you and baby nearby and you doing the last book? Could you introduce some ‘special music’ or mindfulness exercises for your DS-1 which he could do. I know it’s on a screen but I have foungvthe mindfulness teacher helps my daughter to settle at night sometimes and she finds it fun and relaxing and something she can do on her own now (at 3 you might need to go through it with him to start but he might like). Your husband sleeps separately so he can function better. I understand the need for your husband to be able to get them to sleep for when you are working but you have a brand new baby and right now you are not working. One day at a time. It will get better and you will find your pattern.

I just don't understand your reasoning. Instead of parenting together you're making the first son into dh's son and thenew baby yours. Why are you splitting the family up and when do you and husband have together time? No wonder your son is feeling unloved. First he was shoved into a room with daddy for a year and now a replacement has appeared in mummy's bed. When you choose to have another child you know you're going to have little sleep but you don't take it out on the first child. Your son needs reassurance that you still love him and he's just as important as the baby. Leaving him to cry for you for 2 hours is not the way to do this. Get baby in a cot next to your bed and get husband back in your bed once you've convinced your son that you do actually still love him. You've made such a rod for your own back. Every new mother feeds every 2 hours and we all survive on little sleep without ignoring other children. Express milk and let daddy do some feeds. Feeding every 2 hours doesn't last long and it's soon 4 hour feeds then sleeping through the night.

Letting him cry for that amount of time is just cruel.

try the “in a minute” say to you your son night night I’ll check you ina. Min and eventually they just go to sleep without you going back in constantly. It takes patience but it worked with my daughter and no screaming. Or try a reward chart ( but sounds like it’s more of an emotional
issue than a behavioural)

or just have him in bed with you and your baby in a next to me. Do whatever it takes to get the sleep. We did this - my son now goes to sleep in his bed ( he wakes up in night so then / he comes straight into bed with us - no one has time for crying and screaming we all need sleep.

soon as the kids are asleep that’s my husband and i time for us. Make a cuppa have a chat watch something etc. get the husband and wife time as and where you can - people say I’m too tired to prioritise a relationship too at this stage but do! It’s crucial. theyll get to an age where they’re sleeping in their own beds you want to still have a marriage at that point.

Your son is clearly feeling really insecure atm and at that age they can’t process their feelings the same as us. Night is always worse.

good luck

Have you considered a sleep consultant? DS was a terrible sleeper when he was a baby and by eight months I was absolutely broken. We paid £250 for a sleep consultant (we found her through MN recommendations) and it’s honest to God the best money I’ve ever spent. The technique she advised for us was aimed at a family with a single nine month-old baby so probably wouldn’t be applicable in your situation, but a good sleep consultant will be able to devise a plan that’s tailor-made for your particular circumstances.

That was eleven years ago and I’ve forgotten her name, but I’m sure MN can help you out with recommendations if it’s something you’d consider.

Good luck, sleep deprivation is grim.

This is 100% what I would do. It’s only temporary and you need sleep. Who cares how you get it.

Haven’t read all the replies so apologies if this is saying the same . Have you thought it could be your husband waking ds1? My dd2 was the same waking multiple times a night with my oh there . Took him out the situation ie he didn’t sleep there and she started sleeping through

You are quite a disgusting person for such a reply.

my son has never cried out for me for 2 hours, I go in every time. Where did you come up with that number in your judgemental brain? He originally cried when I didn’t go in to take over bed time because my DH (his own DAD) needed to do some bedtimes as I worked nights!

I supported my sons sleep waking up to 10 times a night for two years so don’t you dare imply my son is unloved. We are just trying to get him from forcing my husband out of his bed every single night.

The issue is my son demands me in his bed - which is too small for me and baby and he flat out refuses to compromise and come into my bed. He used to have massive tantrums that I lay in his bed (back when he was in a toddler bed!) and it took soo long to get him to finally come into our bed! Then he tries to kick my husband out so it’s just him and i.

anyways thanks all! I have some options to try.

My son will not have his dad in his bed. He just sleeps quietly next to him while he is asleep as I’m co sleeping in the other room and then when my son wakes and ask for me we swap out, my son settles baby until he’s back asleep then I go back to feed and he goes back to sleep with our son. we have given up years of sleep to support our child so calling my son unloved, I won’t give you another ounce of my attention as with a comment like yours you aren’t looking to help, you’re deflecting with some kind of issue you have in your own life. Goodbye now!

We had a similar situation and it was awful. In the end we did what worked for us and still let our 3 year old in bed beside us and the baby. When our baby cried my son didn’t even wake up. Now, she’s 1.5 and he’s 4.5 he still toddles through to our bed and she’s always in our bed anyway. Trying to break the habit but I think we will be loving like this for a while longer lol. It worked for us and made life so less stressful.

Sorry it’s very challenging to be managing this on so little sleep. Hopefully DS getting used to the baby will help over time.

Having reflected on your posts, it might be good to start to develop his independence and confidence during the day (such as setting him up for an activity and leaving the room once he’s engaged, starting off with short enough time frames that you come back to him and gradually extending them). This will help build a more secure attachment style which hopefully will knock on to the night times.

The other thing that could help is starting to teach him to stay in bed and go back to sleep for example with a sleep training clock with day and night face. A routine with a set bed time and get up time. Stories which depict characters at night which start to feed into expectations about self regulation. A routine where he’s taught to play an audio book to listen to if he wakes up. A special toy (perhaps a baby doll) that he can cuddle and talk to.

Unless he’s unwell or has a nightmare neither of you should be having to get up, but totally appreciate you need to until this is resolved.

Similar situation except it was my now XH causing the issue by being horrible during the days following nights where DS1 woke up. I slept in with both boys because that was the only way i could manage it and not collapse from exhaustion. Could you put a mattress on the floor of your room and he sleeps there? A blow up toddler mattress isnt expensive to buy and is faily small, you wouldn't need much space to add one.

The problem here is you thinking your 3 year old can’t be left to sleep alone. Stop having you or your husband sleep with him. Read a bed time and leave the room. Every time he gets up put him back in bed. He will learn quickly that’s how it’s meant to be.

Do you have grandparents nearby that DS1 could stay with for a few nights to break the cycle?

Personally I'm not into cosleeping - I did maybe a few hours with newborns but was too scared I'd sleep deprived squish them! DC1 has her own room and we have a mattress stowed under her bed in case one of us needs to sleep in with her for whatever reason but we try to keep it to a minimum as our sleep (and couple time) is important too.

I'd definitely get DH out of his bed now unless this is something you want to continue. It already sounds bad so might as well tip the apple cart now, it doesn't sound like it can get much worse!

When DC2 arrived he honestly wouldn't sleep anywhere but on me/DH so I stayed up with him until 4 while DH slept then handed DC2 over and got some hours myself. Is that something you could try?

We also put DC2 "to bed" before DC1 (of course 2 would be up again but 1 was unaware).

At 3 you could conceivably try a star chart with him for good nights...

She never said she previously slept with the toddler. She’s also breast feeding, there will obviously be practical reasons she needs to treat them differently 😬

You don't have to co sleep to breast feed. The son will see the newborn getting all the night time and be jealous.

She needs to share a room with the baby whether she shares a bed with him if not.

Older child sees baby in bed every night with mum but is denied the same v older child sees baby has it's own bed

Your eldest is struggling with the change from being the only child to having a new baby in the house. Ignoring him when he calls for you is really not a good idea. He needs reassurance and comfort, can you fit his bed in your room? Or put a sidecar for on your bed for the baby and bring DS into the big bed? He needs you to not reject him. You've probably need in hospital for a night or two when you had the baby, during this time DS will have not grasped that you were coming back, and now when he wakes at night he panics, and needs to see you to be reassured that you're still there. The first 6-8 weeks with a new baby are a huge adjustment, and your DS is too young to navigate this by himself. Please ignore the PPs who've told you to 'rethink' cosleeping, and if anything double down and bring the whole family into the room together so DS has maximum comfort instead of less.

my Son has never seen baby in my bed. He sees me put him in his bassinet and I say that’s his bed. When my son calls out I go into him and I’ve never said the baby is in my bed. He knows he is in my room but thinks he is in his own bed.

I honestly think there are some MNetters who would just have us have only one child so the first ‘didn’t feel rejected.’

It IS hard for the first, no one is denying that, and there’s a transition period. But pretending the baby doesn’t exist isn’t healthy either IMO.

Most babies will sleep with their mother, either in a crib or bedside cot or co sleeping, while older children generally have their own rooms / beds. That isn’t rejecting the other child any more than changing a baby’s nappy while the older child wears pants is.

And @jannier I’ll be straight with you here - your language is exceptionally provocative and I would say cruel.

Words like rejected and prefer in this context cross a line IMO.

@Newmama93 It is hard for everyone when a new baby arrives. I had my DD in July and DS was just over two and a half. After a fairly straightforward pregnancy the third trimester hit me like a tonne of bricks and towards the end I was struggling to even walk. I booked DS in for full time nursery during weeks 39 and 49 - as it turned out she arrived at 39 + 6 - and retrospectively this may have been a mistake but very hard to know.

I bent over backwards to keep DS happy and to try to make him feel involved and loved but quite honestly it did not work because it was a huge change and shift and really all we all needed was time to adapt. We are now six months in and he adores her and she him.

An aside but also be wary of blaming everything on new siblings. DS had a tricky stage at nursery a few months ago and it was a very nasty ear infection that seemed to be the source although like you I was thoroughly shamed for having the temerity to have more than one child.

If I thought that I wouldn't have had more than one child myself but some think early days are only tough on mum. Include the eldest don't push him out to be delt with by dad because mums dealing with baby

I don’t think you do think that at all.

What I do think is that you post to try to give others a hard time. I think you post to try to make posters feel guilty, worried, distressed and ashamed. I don’t for a moment think the wellbeing of this child or any is the motivation for your posts

And yes, that’s unpleasant but it’s a sincerely held belief. No one honestly wanting to help would say to the mother of a five week old don’t push him out to be dealt with dad

This is what I mean about language. The only exception I can think of is when things are sometimes translated from another language and it can sometimes be unintentionally clunky (like when my dads body was returned from abroad with ‘remains of <name>.’ ‘Push him out’ is deliberately worded to maximise guilt and shame and worry, and that’s at a time most new mothers are struggling with it anyway.

Including the eldest in this particular context isn’t possible or practical. The baby is breastfed and in any case needs to sleep with an adult. The toddler was with his dad prior to the baby coming. He isn’t being abandoned, he is fine and he is safe.

Sounds like there is so much stress in your house, I could barely read your post. You need to have a total revamp of how you deal with sleeping overnight. A 3 year pld
shouldn’t be shouting for their mum in the night.