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AIBU?

Things you've done whilst dating to work out if they're decent or not

104 replies

LadyJelly · 07/01/2024 21:17

I've recently been on a date with someone, so nothing serious yet. Nice. Attractive. Funny. He's a big football fan. His team lost today. I've just taken the mick (very lighthearted text about his team losing) to see what his response is. A shirty response will = no second date as getting angry or petty about football would ge a red flag for me (let's see!). Lighthearted response will be a very small green flag. As you can tell, I'm rather paranoid about domestic abuse. 1 in 4 women. And have missed the small signs beforehand. Maybe I'm being over cautious or ott.

Anyone else think it's madness that we go to these lengths to test the waters? Or that we have to? Or am I being daft?

OP posts:
SnappyDragony · 07/01/2024 21:20

I have been with my husband 7 years, we met online.
From the very start we were very honest about what we wanted from a relationship. I was late 20s, looking to settle down and have children. Spoke to a few who were looking for a hook up, said that wasn't what I was looking for and we both moved on. Husband was looking for similar so we dated and eventually got married. We are still brutally honest with each other, no second guessing or game playing.

SoOutingWhoCares · 07/01/2024 21:20

I try to get in a small, smiling, "No, thank you." in as early as possible.

Any man who doesn't hear my no, doesn't believe my no, gets irritated by my no, tries to convince me I actually mean yes etc = huge, red flag. And it's surprising how many men have an issue with it.

pickledandpuzzled · 07/01/2024 21:22

Sounds very sensible! You reach a certain point in life and realise that some people are not worth the risk.

Keep on doing it. Hopefully there will be a prince among the frogs you tease!

LadyJelly · 07/01/2024 21:22

SnappyDragony · 07/01/2024 21:20

I have been with my husband 7 years, we met online.
From the very start we were very honest about what we wanted from a relationship. I was late 20s, looking to settle down and have children. Spoke to a few who were looking for a hook up, said that wasn't what I was looking for and we both moved on. Husband was looking for similar so we dated and eventually got married. We are still brutally honest with each other, no second guessing or game playing.

This is really heartening. I know I want another child. Didn't mention it on first date but will on second. Because, if he's not interested then there's no point me dating him. I'm 33, I don't have all the time in the world. I like that brutal honesty and find it very attractive.

OP posts:
Doggymummar · 07/01/2024 21:23

I couldn't date anyone into football again, it consumed the whole weekend and one day in the week. Then they play as well. Hideous moods when the lose, all the trips abroad using up annual leave to follow engerlund. Never again

Loopytiles · 07/01/2024 21:26

That seems sensible, OP! Went to a sports match with my dad recently and the team were losing, they were still having fun and seemed in good humour, it felt ‘safe’ and good.

sometimes situations arise naturally, eg being unwell. I know someone who ended a relationship when her boyfriend was uncaring after she had a painful dental visit.

shoesday · 07/01/2024 21:26

While I understand your reasoning I think reducing all behaviours to a red and green flag system doesn't always help

Dacadactyl · 07/01/2024 21:28

I think if you feel like you have to test someone isn't it doomed anyway? Shouldn't you just see how it goes?

napody · 07/01/2024 21:31

SoOutingWhoCares · 07/01/2024 21:20

I try to get in a small, smiling, "No, thank you." in as early as possible.

Any man who doesn't hear my no, doesn't believe my no, gets irritated by my no, tries to convince me I actually mean yes etc = huge, red flag. And it's surprising how many men have an issue with it.

Yes, me too.

Also, my ex was horrible when I was ill (and postnatal) but I didn't get a chance to test that early on.

wellhello24 · 07/01/2024 21:33

Mention a male friend casually in conversation…if he’s the jealous type he may reveal it with his reaction.

StephanieLampshade · 07/01/2024 21:35

I find this odd.

What if he gives you a red flag for teasing him about something important to him?

It is sad you haven't developed or don't trust your own judgment to the extent you would try and engineer something artificial and see that as more indicative of someone's compatability than observing them and interacting naturally.

A manipulative person can always charm you initially. I simply don't see therefore what this achieves. Much better having a meaningful conversation about domestic violence (you mention that is your concern) than a fake one about football.

Why don't you feel you can discuss important things with a potential partner and judge his compatability from his answers and willingness to engage?

Cosyblankets · 07/01/2024 21:37

StephanieLampshade · 07/01/2024 21:35

I find this odd.

What if he gives you a red flag for teasing him about something important to him?

It is sad you haven't developed or don't trust your own judgment to the extent you would try and engineer something artificial and see that as more indicative of someone's compatability than observing them and interacting naturally.

A manipulative person can always charm you initially. I simply don't see therefore what this achieves. Much better having a meaningful conversation about domestic violence (you mention that is your concern) than a fake one about football.

Why don't you feel you can discuss important things with a potential partner and judge his compatability from his answers and willingness to engage?

Fully agree with this

SoOutingWhoCares · 07/01/2024 21:40

@napody I'm so sorry to hear that. You must have felt really vulnerable and alone.

I wish I'd have been able to test my ex's attitude to illness earlier too. After a year
of us being together, I had to travel five hours on a busy train with him with a raging fever and nearing collapse. I'd barely been able to walk from the waiting room to the platform, I felt really dreadful but thought I'd be ok once I was sat down as I could just close my eyes.

He made sure he got a seat for himself and left me standing in the aisle with all our bags while he gloated at me. I also had a major injury (one of the worst you can have) not long after we got together and he constantly took the piss when I was in pain no matter how hard I tried to hide it.

ThisIsMyEden · 07/01/2024 21:41

StephanieLampshade · 07/01/2024 21:35

I find this odd.

What if he gives you a red flag for teasing him about something important to him?

It is sad you haven't developed or don't trust your own judgment to the extent you would try and engineer something artificial and see that as more indicative of someone's compatability than observing them and interacting naturally.

A manipulative person can always charm you initially. I simply don't see therefore what this achieves. Much better having a meaningful conversation about domestic violence (you mention that is your concern) than a fake one about football.

Why don't you feel you can discuss important things with a potential partner and judge his compatability from his answers and willingness to engage?

I agree. Some people care very much when their team loses, and deliberately poking that sore spot to provoke a reaction seems somewhat manipulative - that would be a red flag for me!

ThisIsMyEden · 07/01/2024 21:42

SoOutingWhoCares · 07/01/2024 21:40

@napody I'm so sorry to hear that. You must have felt really vulnerable and alone.

I wish I'd have been able to test my ex's attitude to illness earlier too. After a year
of us being together, I had to travel five hours on a busy train with him with a raging fever and nearing collapse. I'd barely been able to walk from the waiting room to the platform, I felt really dreadful but thought I'd be ok once I was sat down as I could just close my eyes.

He made sure he got a seat for himself and left me standing in the aisle with all our bags while he gloated at me. I also had a major injury (one of the worst you can have) not long after we got together and he constantly took the piss when I was in pain no matter how hard I tried to hide it.

Your ex failed the test early on when he took the piss about you being in pain and you felt you had to hide it.

MotherOfRatios · 07/01/2024 21:45

I ask about gender roles in the home, what podcasts they listen to (anyone who listened to Joe rogan, Jordan Peterson is a no no)

LadyJelly · 07/01/2024 21:46

StephanieLampshade · 07/01/2024 21:35

I find this odd.

What if he gives you a red flag for teasing him about something important to him?

It is sad you haven't developed or don't trust your own judgment to the extent you would try and engineer something artificial and see that as more indicative of someone's compatability than observing them and interacting naturally.

A manipulative person can always charm you initially. I simply don't see therefore what this achieves. Much better having a meaningful conversation about domestic violence (you mention that is your concern) than a fake one about football.

Why don't you feel you can discuss important things with a potential partner and judge his compatability from his answers and willingness to engage?

I was in a horribly abusive relationship. A manipulative person can't always charm you initially. Sometimes yes, but actually if you stand firm and know the signs you can spot that manipulative behaviour from a mile off. I could talk to him about the importance of being with someone who isn't violent, however by your logic he would be able to manipulate his way around this. I don't plan on making everything about domestic abuse, I just know that football is hugely related so ssw an opportunity to see how he reacts when his team loses.

I do see your point, but it's not something I plan on doing all the time.

OP posts:
RadiatorHead · 07/01/2024 21:50

Absolutely nothing wrong with being honest. My DH is my second husband and, on our second date he told he he’d had the snip so there would be no more kids (I’ve got one, he’s got two). I appreciated the honesty but I didn’t want anymore anyway. No doubt my decision would have been different if I hadn’t already had a child. Best to be honest as early as possible i
reckon.

LadyJelly · 07/01/2024 21:51

ThisIsMyEden · 07/01/2024 21:41

I agree. Some people care very much when their team loses, and deliberately poking that sore spot to provoke a reaction seems somewhat manipulative - that would be a red flag for me!

I didn't say 'hahaha loser!' I just said 'looks like you'll be getting Chinese' as he said he could decide what to eat so said Indian if they win and Chinese if they lose.

OP posts:
coodawoodashooda · 07/01/2024 21:55

SoOutingWhoCares · 07/01/2024 21:20

I try to get in a small, smiling, "No, thank you." in as early as possible.

Any man who doesn't hear my no, doesn't believe my no, gets irritated by my no, tries to convince me I actually mean yes etc = huge, red flag. And it's surprising how many men have an issue with it.

That's it. Watch out for them ignoring 'no'.

Dogknowsbest · 07/01/2024 21:57

My world also comes down to red and green flags. I've been dating a new man for 3 weeks now. The green flags:-

He's added me to Facebook already;
calls me every other day instead of every day. It feels normal;
He doesn't tell me how amazing I am all the time;
He took me out for dinner the other night and said I could order whatever I wanted - this is only a green flag because I'm greedy.

In fact, he's a walking green flag.

EmmaEmerald · 07/01/2024 22:00

Arsenal by any chance?

Id just say nothing at all in his shoes. I appreciate you’ve been through awful things but devising these tests doesn’t sit right.

If he feels sad he might just ignore your message.

I had a couple of boyfriends big into football. Fine with me. I never wanted kids or mixed money though so if they’re away a lot, I don’t mind.

I kind of wish I was interested in football!

BatshitIsTheOnlyExplanation · 07/01/2024 22:04

@Dogknowsbest
Being invited for dinner and ordering what you want isn't a green flag. It's just what people do.

LadyJelly · 07/01/2024 22:06

Dogknowsbest · 07/01/2024 21:57

My world also comes down to red and green flags. I've been dating a new man for 3 weeks now. The green flags:-

He's added me to Facebook already;
calls me every other day instead of every day. It feels normal;
He doesn't tell me how amazing I am all the time;
He took me out for dinner the other night and said I could order whatever I wanted - this is only a green flag because I'm greedy.

In fact, he's a walking green flag.

I would've seen that last one completely differently, as a red flag. He told you you can order whatever you like? My mind would immediately have been like 'thanks for your permission 🙄'

OP posts:
SouthLondonMum22 · 07/01/2024 22:08

Arsenal?

I love football and my team also lost today but well, they were playing Man City so it was expected. 😂I wouldn't be with someone who sulked or raged when their team lost.

I think what you did was absolutely fine. It's normal to feel things out at first, I don't blame you for being cautious.

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