Things you've done whilst dating to work out if they're decent or not

[LadyJelly]

I've recently been on a date with someone, so nothing serious yet. Nice. Attractive. Funny. He's a big football fan. His team lost today. I've just taken the mick (very lighthearted text about his team losing) to see what his response is. A shirty response will = no second date as getting angry or petty about football would ge a red flag for me (let's see!). Lighthearted response will be a very small green flag. As you can tell, I'm rather paranoid about domestic abuse. 1 in 4 women. And have missed the small signs beforehand. Maybe I'm being over cautious or ott.

Anyone else think it's madness that we go to these lengths to test the waters? Or that we have to? Or am I being daft?

As someone said upthread, I say ‘no’ early on and see how they react. It’s a simple but surprisingly accurate way to gauge someone’s character. Some men simply cannot handle it. You don’t want those ones.

Good for you OP, I once had a boyfriend shout at me on a second date. I'd missed a train and was 9 minutes late. Err, no thanks.

I don't consciously think red or green flag but, if he was like that on date 2, can you imagine, after 6 months.

I take it slowly and get to know them as a friend first. Nothing sexual at all until I know them as a friend. Irregularities come out. Those who aren’t interested in getting to know me properly fade away. It’s how they handle the irregularities I notice that counts.

Each to their own but I can’t stand a man who is a big team supporter spending countless hours watching a sport while drinking. I enjoy running myself so a triathlon, tough muddler, ultra marathon male works best for me. I don’t mind cross fit but prefer a runner. I don’t mind a golfer as long as they walk the course majority of the time. If they use a golf cart it’s a firm no.

im over 40 so most men im getting to know are not really playing football or rugby anymore.

Being “taken out” to dinner usually means the other person is paying rather than the bill is being split. I don’t know about the rest of you but if someone else is paying, I’m mindful about what I order so it’s not too expensive. Therefore someone making it a point to say “order whatever you like” shows they are emotionally intelligent enough to be aware that people being “treated” will often be mindful of the cost & are just trying to ensure that their guest/s truly do get whatever they like & don’t feel restricted.

Whenever I have taken anyone out for dinner (partner, family, friends, clients) & am therefore paying, I have said exactly the same thing so according to some of you I must be a big red flag then.

Get in line!

“I’m an abusive arsehole”
said no one ever

of course they will show you the good side and tick all the boxes. Some are really clever at disguising their red flags. So you definitely need to work out whether they are genuine or not, but this could be done by seeing their reactions to situations that arise naturally instead of engineering them. That way you get the same result without coming across as playing games.

Nothing, I see no need to play games with people I am not back and school it either works or doesn't

No. You should treat dating like a job interview and probation period and absolutely test your date. Once you are married and with kids, it's far too late to realise that he doesn't respect your "no" or takes his anger out on you.

It is sad you haven't developed or don't trust your own judgment to the extent you would try and engineer something artificial and see that as more indicative of someone's compatability than observing them and interacting naturally.

Huge numbers of women have tried "see what happens" and had it end in hospital or even a coffin.

Autistic women and women whose perceptions of "interacting naturally" means have been warped by childhood abuse are left open to manipulation and abuse without these intentional tests.

Your condescending use of "sad", as though these reliable and valuable tools are pitiable, is noted.

A manipulative person can always charm you initially. I simply don't see therefore what this achieves. Much better having a meaningful conversation about domestic violence (you mention that is your concern) than a fake one about football.

Plenty of men talk a good talk in public whilst abusing in private. Behaviour is a more reliable indicator of what someone is like because words are cheap and easily falsified.

I remember being very ill & in bed with a sinus infection. Dr. advised a week’s recovery.
My boyfriend was there & every 15 mins kept waking me up asking if I needed anything.
I said yes, sleep - why are you waking me up?
He replied, I’m bored.

So lets reverse it a new male partner tests a female, he creates a list of 20 things and if she does one of those things wrong he dumps her

ok makes sense I guess

Agree.

The manosphere bullshit of "shit tests" I just wasted 15 minutes of my life reading is not the same at all as asserting boundaries and seeing if he respects them. HTH.

If those 20 things include "agrees with me about future children", "respects my 'no'", "offers to fix or replace things she broke", then that would be completely reasonable and I would recommend that he does that.

Why can she not pay or fix things herself if she broke them? does she need a man for that?

Yes! Find something to say no to!

I was talking to one guy, sounded lovely and we soon swapped numbers and spoke on the phone too - he was charismatic interesting and financially stable with a successful business.

A few days later while we were texting he asked me to send him some photos (not nudes) I said no and he got really irritated and didn’t text me again for two days. Turned me right off. We never went on a date!

As if someone who is prone to anger/domestic violence is going to admit it if you have a conversation about it!!!!

Yes this is my approach. I don’t engineer situations but just things come up naturally which basically act as tests.
The advice for online dating is to meet up with a match within a week but I deliberately take at least 2 weeks before agreeing to a date. The reason being is often men will show me a side of themselves I don’t like. Eg. Some men have video called me out the blue with no warning in the morning . They did not get a first date!
Or they start badmouthing their ex or being too sexual. I just give them a bit of time to get comfortable and show a bit more of what they’re like lol they filter themselves out really. I haven’t had a bad date yet and I believe this is partly why.

If he's paying for dinner though, that's a generous thing to say. He's saying 'don't hold back'. I'm not sure I'd say that if I was paying for someone else's dinner right now!

So you put him through a test he didn't know he was taking.

No wonder men think some women are insane.

I once dated a guy who set up a scenario to see if I would steal a small amount money from him, then afterwards told me I'd passed the test! Maybe he'd been bitten before but it completely ruined any chance of us having a relationship, partly that he clearly didn't trust me and partly that I then didn't trust him to be straightforward with me.

How he talks about his ex-partners. Especially if they share kids.

personally I’m not keen on supposed acts of “chivalry” like taking my seat out for me or opening doors; my personal opinion is that I don’t need anyone to perform menial tasks for me that I am quite capable of performing myself. Plus it’s awkward as hell. If they have had a bad reaction to me kindly explaining it’s not needed, thank you, then I know that their own perception of how others see them/adherence to a gender stereotype is more important to them than my own expressed need.

Similar.

i def did a lot of watching and observing how he responded to things but mainly so i knew /could come to terms with his beige flags before we married 😂😂😂

it was clear pretty early he was kind and generally calm and a good man. Thing’s getting broken would disproportionately stress him out but he had an angry dad so it was more an anxiety response vs anger… he can still get a bit like that but we have talked about it and he is more in the “stuff is just stuff” and “ I accept dd is a toddler… things will be broken” mindset now.

@incredulouse utterly bizarre & to tell you!?!? 😵😵😵

I agree that someone saying order what you like is very cringey. I'd be even less inclined to order what I liked because I'd then be very conscious about the cost implications or my appetite being something that was considered. It also feels very showy to say that sort of thing.

If someone is 'treating' you then I'd expect the restaurant they chose to be one that they weren't going to be stressing about the cost. In all honesty though, the point they say anything about ordering what I'd like, I'd want to pay my own way for sure and I would feel uncomfortable about a return visit with them.

The first time I was ever taken to dinner the man said that to me and that's the only thing I remember about that dinner. Not that it ruined that relationship but it's something I've never forgotten as it made me feel uncomfortable.

Yes I agree - showing you have boundaries and see how they react