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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Things you've done whilst dating to work out if they're decent or not

104 replies

LadyJelly · 07/01/2024 21:17

I've recently been on a date with someone, so nothing serious yet. Nice. Attractive. Funny. He's a big football fan. His team lost today. I've just taken the mick (very lighthearted text about his team losing) to see what his response is. A shirty response will = no second date as getting angry or petty about football would ge a red flag for me (let's see!). Lighthearted response will be a very small green flag. As you can tell, I'm rather paranoid about domestic abuse. 1 in 4 women. And have missed the small signs beforehand. Maybe I'm being over cautious or ott.

Anyone else think it's madness that we go to these lengths to test the waters? Or that we have to? Or am I being daft?

OP posts:
Tooshytoshine · 07/01/2024 22:09

Any Arsenal fan will feel salty today.

They played brilliantly except for the bit where they seemed too polite to score a goal. It's not just the hurt of one match but over a decade of frustration. We are a house of grumpy Arsenal fans today but definitely not abusive.

I think your text was fine but I would have put a sad face at the end of it to show you know he will be disappointed with the result. If I knew someone I was dating was setting traps for me and not being straight forward, it would be a red flag.

maybejustonemoretime · 07/01/2024 22:12

Out of interest OP what reaction to 'looks like you'll be having Chinese' would you expect to indicate a red flag.
It's a pretty benign comment, I would be surprised of anyone replied 'I really don't appreciate you mentioning we effing lost you silly bitch'
It's more likely to get a yep or a thumbs up if he's gutted.
I do get your idea though and I agree, I always slipped feminism into the conversation and the reaction could be very outing.
Another good topic ex's /past relationships, any female friends?
To be honest any man with the arrogance to confidently share his opinions/ beliefs/ politics without a second thought that you might disagree or it might be offensive to you would be a huge indicator of an abuser I'd think so worth looking out for .
Good luck

LadyJelly · 07/01/2024 22:16

maybejustonemoretime · 07/01/2024 22:12

Out of interest OP what reaction to 'looks like you'll be having Chinese' would you expect to indicate a red flag.
It's a pretty benign comment, I would be surprised of anyone replied 'I really don't appreciate you mentioning we effing lost you silly bitch'
It's more likely to get a yep or a thumbs up if he's gutted.
I do get your idea though and I agree, I always slipped feminism into the conversation and the reaction could be very outing.
Another good topic ex's /past relationships, any female friends?
To be honest any man with the arrogance to confidently share his opinions/ beliefs/ politics without a second thought that you might disagree or it might be offensive to you would be a huge indicator of an abuser I'd think so worth looking out for .
Good luck

Well, silence for starters. That's in no way necessarily an indicator of domestic abuse but I personally can't be with someone who gives the silent treatment if I rib them about the football. I don't want to be tiptoeing around whenever their team loses. Been there, done that with a couple of guys. It's miserable. But I see your point, genuinely.

OP posts:
maybejustonemoretime · 07/01/2024 22:24

@LadyJelly fair enough it's definitely a good thing to know your personal boundaries and stick to them.
For what it's worth I have also survived an abusive relationship and have now found the most considerate and loving partner- I met both online so hang on in there and never forget your worth.

user1471434829 · 07/01/2024 22:32

For me I make sure they actively take on domestic tasks early on. Eg if I cook they offer to wash up. My ex worked away so used to stay at mine from early in the relationship, he used to bring washing back but just asked where the machine was/the settings then cracked on with doing it himself and soon asked if i had any to put in. I cooked a lot and he always washed up unprompted.

Also how they behave when you're ill. One of things that made me really like him early on was how much he looked after his sis after she had a miscarriage and surgery. He was just so understanding and did nice things like popping round with chocs/driving her to appointments. Then I was feeling awful last new year and he cooked me a roast dinner and was really kind. We split up due to different ideas on the future, but he was a lovely man and would be a good husband for someone!

TheMotherSide · 07/01/2024 22:33

Not daft at all. One of the best pieces of advice a girlfriend ever gave me ‐pay attention to what they're like
a) in a conflict, however small.
b) under stress
and you'll know all you need to know. And believe what you see.

Victoryai · 07/01/2024 22:44

Brilliant idea for a thread.

TheSlantedOwl · 07/01/2024 22:47

So has he not responded to your text @LadyJelly ? And if not, is that unusual?

SoOutingWhoCares · 07/01/2024 23:05

@user1471434829

We split up due to different ideas on the future, but he was a lovely man and would be a good husband for someone!

I can offer him a good home 😀

BobbyBiscuits · 07/01/2024 23:12

I don't see why anyone couldn't order what they wanted at dinner? Surely three courses plus drinks at a place within budget is standard. Some people are saying basic normal things as 'green flags'. Is that what it means, just normal traits that are not red flags? He wipes his bum= green flag? haha..

ThirtyThrillionThreeTrees · 07/01/2024 23:13

No, I don't play games and wouldn't appreciate someone doing that to me.

I've always relied on my gut instinct and ability to judge people. It hasn't let me down.

I think this "testing method" is horrible.

Grimchmas · 07/01/2024 23:25

It's called shit tests and I don't like them. I do however see the appeal: for women it's about safety. I am strongly into gut instinct but I have been around the block enough to know that some people can get under my radar.

I pay attention to things. Can they arrange a nice date, or is it Wetherspoons or worse "I don't know you choose"? How do they treat the staff. What little things about their day are they irritated by. Do they tip. Do they accept a no, do they listen when I express a desire for something inconsequential.

Jumpingpogosticks · 07/01/2024 23:42

Sit back, listen and pay attention to body language.
He has to wait for something? What's his reaction?
Waitress messes up his order? What's his reaction?
What does he talk about other women like? Sisters? Mum? Exes?
How does he talk about work? His colleagues?
As you build a picture of him, how would you categorise him? Is he honest? Is he guided by his moral compass? Does he help people?
Is he kind? Does he seem like someone who would take advantage of others?

I sat back and listened to DH when I met him... two things that I think really stood out to me was when we first met, he tried to pick me up, I squirmed, and fell out of his arms onto my bed which broke. He came back a few hours later with a toolbox and fixed it. I didn't ask. He was mortified at tge idea of having broken something of mine.

Second thing, he was doing something in his van, someone came and asked for help. He shut the door, somehow with the phone inside. He mentioned his broken phone, and just said, someone needed help, I forgot what I was doing for the moment... it seemed so kind.

He was kind to DD, he was kind and helpful to his parents elderly neighbours, infact waited for an ambulance with the old man next door who couldn't be moved due to injury, so was late for one of our dates.

He's an excellent husband and father. I wouldn't always say he makes the best choices in life, but the man is unfailingly kind to people.

Ap24 · 07/01/2024 23:43

Those who don't get it should just Google domestic violence and football. I don't blame you OP but ultimately I wouldn't date anyone who was interested in it.

Jumpingpogosticks · 07/01/2024 23:45

Ap24 · 07/01/2024 23:43

Those who don't get it should just Google domestic violence and football. I don't blame you OP but ultimately I wouldn't date anyone who was interested in it.

I'm sure that I read DV rates soar on game nights.
I'm sure that it was incidences of the person's team losing that made the rate rise so rapidly.

Ohyeahwaitaminute · 07/01/2024 23:46

Yes, kindness to others is a good thing in a man. Always worth looking out for.

I agree with the others that saying ‘No’ to something early on is a good way of gauging if they’ll respect boundaries.

MorrisZapp · 07/01/2024 23:53

Kindness to others is always a good thing, but how many women on here will say 'nobody will believe he's abusive, all his friends and family think he's amazing'. In the early days when he'd walk over hot coals to have the privilege of shagging you, all this stuff is lovely but could melt like snow off a dyke once he's comfortably ensconced.

BadLad · 08/01/2024 00:01

SouthLondonMum22 · 07/01/2024 22:08

Arsenal?

I love football and my team also lost today but well, they were playing Man City so it was expected. 😂I wouldn't be with someone who sulked or raged when their team lost.

I think what you did was absolutely fine. It's normal to feel things out at first, I don't blame you for being cautious.

Red flag right there. They played Liverpool yesterday, not Man City.

(runs for the hills)

EmmaEmerald · 08/01/2024 00:10

BadLad · 08/01/2024 00:01

Red flag right there. They played Liverpool yesterday, not Man City.

(runs for the hills)

Arsenal played Liverpool yesterday.

So I guess @SouthLondonMum22 supports Huddersfield Town.

no red flag, misunderstanding.

EmmaEmerald · 08/01/2024 00:12

I just looked up shit tests.

Depressing all round. And do you really learn anything?

BadLad · 08/01/2024 00:17

EmmaEmerald · 08/01/2024 00:10

Arsenal played Liverpool yesterday.

So I guess @SouthLondonMum22 supports Huddersfield Town.

no red flag, misunderstanding.

Oops. My reading comprehension is a definite red flag.

MissSmiley · 08/01/2024 00:19

I knocked a full glass of red wine over a date once (by accident) he didn't get cross, ordered me a new glass of wine and said his shirt didn't matter, I've often thought this would be a good test for the second or third date, someone with a temper might not be so kind about my clumsiness

Scorchio84 · 08/01/2024 00:19

Cosyblankets · 07/01/2024 21:37

Fully agree with this

And me

EmmaEmerald · 08/01/2024 00:23

MissSmiley · 08/01/2024 00:19

I knocked a full glass of red wine over a date once (by accident) he didn't get cross, ordered me a new glass of wine and said his shirt didn't matter, I've often thought this would be a good test for the second or third date, someone with a temper might not be so kind about my clumsiness

Or they'd just hide that they were pissed off, what a horrible thing to think to do on purpose.

I don't really date but anyone I think is testing me, I just think nah, I'm not your lab rat. I did date a guy this summer and I'm so glad he hated all this stuff too.

@BadLad 😂

Wall13 · 08/01/2024 00:36

Texts can be interpreted any way you want.

I’ve fallen out with a very close male friend a few times over his replies to me, where I took it seriously but he meant it as a joke.
He is learning a new language, that I speak fluently and will often call me “old woman” (I’m 56, he’s 72), it’s a phrase that he’s translated incorrectly, and in it’s original form is a phrase of endearment.