My husband wants to move in with his ex

[AngieR87]

So my husband left me a few months ago. I'm currently 8 months pregnant with his child. He left our rented home with no money or savings. He told me he was living with a friend.
We weren't really finding a way to communicate when he left then suddenly he messaged me saying he still desired me and thinks about me. We were having a really good conversation about us, how we feel about each other. It seemed like it was going well and possibly hope for us.
I've been attending therapy and felt I was finally getting through to him. He then dropped the bomb he is moving in with his ex. His reasons were to be close to his other children and save for his own house. I didn't feel comfortable with it and asked him not to do it and we could find another way to find the money if he was still set on living apart. He said no, he was moving in with her for his children and money. He never had nice things to say about her and she made our life hell as well as his relationship with his children because she always wanted him back. He's accused me of being controlling because I asked him not to as I feel it would jeopardise our possible rekindling. Am I being controlling or unreasonable here? Am I right I thinking no one would accept this?

@AngieR87

My attitude
Go on fuck off with your ex then,
😤

But don't expect to have your cake and eat

You are way too good for this one

Surround yourself with as much support as possible in all ways

This. Focus on what's best for your child.

I agree 💯 with this

He sounds toxic. If I could I’d move far away from him before the baby is even born so it’s never part of this messy situation and you have a fresh start without him in your life. Enjoy your beautiful baby - it’ll all work out.

@AngieR87

• If you have joint accounts with him I'd move at least 50% into your own personal bank account.
• If he knows your logins/passwords change those immediately.
• remove his access to any shopping or streaming apps (eg Amazon, Netflix)
• change the password to your cloud account if you have one
• Contact your council to get your 25% single occupancy discount on your council tax.

Are you generally OK for money? 🌹

I'm so sorry, this is horrible. Prepare for him to want to be involved with the baby and move now if you want to be closer to family. However also prepare for the hurt of him not wanting to be involved at all, which I can see happening. I wouldn't be surprised if his ex doesn't even know you are pregnant.

I'm presuming this is your first. The time after birth can hit you like a tonne of bricks with hormones and emotions whizzing round, without all this additional upset. Be prepared for it to be tough but you have got this and can do it.

But he was talking about a reconciliation, and now he's moving back in with his ex-wife. Surely that's worthy of comment from the OP?

I agree with the previous poster who suggested moving away while you're still pregnant. Do you have family and friends in another area? I would get as far away from this man as I could.

I’m glad to see that you don’t want to rekindle things any more. I would not be surprised if his ex ended up pregnant in the near future too.
It’s part of the cheater’s playbook that they blame you when they are at fault then minimise any news like moving in with the ex. By blaming you, they are creating the excuse that you made him cheat and it wasn’t really cheating because you’re so awful. I found the rewriting of history fucking painful and was incensed when I realized that he’d done it to give himself permission to fuck her without guilt.
They think that you’re too stupid to see through the lies and not telling you something is still a lie. His ideal situation would be to shag both women so he can have his ego stroked. There’s definitely more than he’s telling you but in his world, only what’s proveable counts and he thinks he can drip feed you the minimum of information.

My advice would be to stop contacting him until the birth. He can come to you about contact afterwards but until then, make a new birth plan and find a different birth partner. Having him there will psychologically hold you back and you need someone that you can trust in the room with you, not this “man”

You're not the first woman to have fallen for a man's bullshit and you certainly won't be the last.

But now you know what he's really like, this is where you cut ties and distance yourself before he can hurt you any further. Block all contact, give the baby your surname and don't put him on the birth certificate.

Then see how hard he fights for your baby. If he does, then your child has a chance of a decent relationship with him but you don't have to be part of it. If he doesn't, well then he's just proving himself as a complete shit.

God, what an awful man he is, leaving you whilst pregnant, clearly he has been having an affair with this ex, and it’s got to the stage of seriousness he’s moving back In. There are no words . Please focus on yourself and. Block.

Oh OP. I really feel for you, but come on – he was cheating with his ex abc that’s why he left. He’s likely been living with her all along and now he’s trying to engineer it so it looks like it was a natural development after you split (badly engineered, but anyway). He’s not your husband, he’s your ex. Take advice from the wise women here.

Obviously your relationship with him and his relationship with your baby are two separate things. Don't let the baby become a weapon to get back at him with.

He might not be in a relationship with his ex. One might develop. But his motivation to move in definitely has fuck all to do with being close to his children. We're that the case, he wouldn't have left them in the first place, got you pregnant and then abandoned you. He's hardly father of the year. It has everything to do with him saving money. He's either in a relationship with her whilst stringing you on, or she believes that he is. Either way it makes him a feckless man and a cocklodger!!

If you're having difficulties now in your relationship, that will only be magnified once you have a baby and your baby will become exposed to the fall out. Have you got good family support? He's not going to be there for you, getting up in the night for the baby. You might as well just go it alone as it would be easier.

I wouldn't have him at the birth and would apply for CSM.

Because you’re married, he’s legally the father - but I’d consider giving baby your maiden name. You’ll be so glad of it in a few years.

I think you’re missing the part where he’s told the OP he misses her and they’ve talked about getting back together. The OP isn’t saying that she should be able to dictate where he lives for the rest of his life. She’s objecting to the fact that he’s living with his ex while simultaneously leading the OP to believe that he also wants to rekindle the relationship he had with the OP.

This is clearly sarcasm, people.

This loser isn’t worth your time and energy.

As soon as your baby is born, get in touch with CMS and make him provide for his child. Don’t give him any more chances, and just focus on building a happy life for you and your baby without him. I know you don’t see it now, but you have everything going for you because you have a life without a loser man ruining it for you.

And I think once your child is born, his ex will start to get cold feet about him anyway e.g because of money and because of the realisation that it isn’t all about just her kids anymore and he will have to factor in his child with you in to their lives. I don’t think she will like that, especially as it will feel like a complete role reversal (you was once stepmum to her children and now she’s potential stepmum to yours).

She didn't 'kick him out' he left!

He’s left you for his ex it seems

Where did she say she kicked him out??

Scroll on dear, it's not my fault it's entirely fucking relevant.

Should I allow him to be involved with baby?

Of course you should allow him to be involved with his own child, why would you not?

I agree with the PP, it sounds like he left you to get back with his ex.

It’s very hurtful but now you need to look towards the future.

Do not let him back, some men will flit between their kids mums and you don’t want to get into that.

Do you have someone mutual that can pass on messages?
I think for the next few weeks it’s important to not speak to him directly.

You should only see him whilst you’re giving birth/after the baby is born, depending on your preferences.

Then he can have contact say 3/4 times a week for short periods in your home, but try and get someone else to do the handover whilst you go and have a bath or something upstairs.

In the future, you can start arranging the contact yourself and start to co-parent properly but for now I’d try and avoid seeing it speaking to him.

You need to draw a line with this man now. You deserve to be happy and with someone who’s committed to you and your little family. He’s not in a team with you - he’s trying to steamroll you into doing what he wants with no care on the impact on you.

Once your baby comes, you’ll also be modelling this to your child as a template of romantic relationships - is this the set up you’d want for them when they’re grown up?
My parents had an unconventional relationship (on and off, dad lived elsewhere and came and went as he pleased) and really struggled with romantic relationships as an adult. I didn’t even realise how unusual and unhealthy our set up was until I was in my late 20s.