My husband wants to move in with his ex

[AngieR87]

So my husband left me a few months ago. I'm currently 8 months pregnant with his child. He left our rented home with no money or savings. He told me he was living with a friend.
We weren't really finding a way to communicate when he left then suddenly he messaged me saying he still desired me and thinks about me. We were having a really good conversation about us, how we feel about each other. It seemed like it was going well and possibly hope for us.
I've been attending therapy and felt I was finally getting through to him. He then dropped the bomb he is moving in with his ex. His reasons were to be close to his other children and save for his own house. I didn't feel comfortable with it and asked him not to do it and we could find another way to find the money if he was still set on living apart. He said no, he was moving in with her for his children and money. He never had nice things to say about her and she made our life hell as well as his relationship with his children because she always wanted him back. He's accused me of being controlling because I asked him not to as I feel it would jeopardise our possible rekindling. Am I being controlling or unreasonable here? Am I right I thinking no one would accept this?

Are you actually married?

I only ask because he's only been separated 3 years and you said it is an unplanned pregnancy.

If you are not, then file for CMS and work out visitation.

If you are, it's time to hire a lawyer. Do you both own your home?

Where did he live for the three years between leaving her and meeting you?

As PP said, he's taking you for a fool.

Sorry to be harsh OP but your relationship is over and he is back with his ex. The lie about moving in with his ex to save for a house is so ridiculous, not sure who he thinks will believe that in the cold light of day. Pity he could not have been honest about the baby from the beginning.

yanbu to not be happy about him moving in with his ex. But yabu if you still try to work on things when he’s treated his heavily pregnant wife this way- leaving you, moving in with ex, gaslighting you so you think you’re wrong about not being happy about this.
He’s testing the waters, trying to see how much you’ll put up with, and I’d imagine he’s having at least a physical relationship with his ex whilst living there.
Call his bluff and tell him you’re done, file for CMS, file for divorce, and minimise contact with him to the bare minimum of setting up visitation once baby is here should he want to. Apart from that, focus on you and your baby and don’t dwell on this selfish prick (easier said than done I know).

I've been attending therapy and felt I was finally getting through to him.

This bit stands out to me. You don't have therapy to get through to someone,you have it for your own sake.

How long have you been together? It sounds like you chose a dud to me. Sorry to say that as you have decided to have a baby together

Another cautionary tale for Mumsnet readers. If a man has already walked out on his wife and children once he is likely to do so again.

He wants a home again, and a woman, so he started being nice to the former women in his life, you and her.

She opened her door more quickly to him.

I would regard yourself as having dodged a bullet.

My understanding is that if you need to move closer to family you need to do this immediately prior to the baby being born. If you wait until the baby is born he can stop you moving.

If you are married I’d initiate divorce immediately. He’s test driving his ex and if it doesn’t work he’ll be gaslighting and lovebombing you again. Making his promises and cry, wailing and thrashing about declaring his love. You really don’t need that. He isn’t telling you the truth as he doesn’t want to be the bad guy in his own story. Plus he wants you in the wings to fall back on.

He is spineless. I am sorry you are in this situation. But move to family if that is what you would want to do when you have the baby.

That isn’t your choice. He has the same rights as you.

He’s messed with your head. It’s clear. I’m sorry this has happened but I feel more sorry for the other woman as she’s now stuck with him. He sounds spineless.

You can do this without him you know, so much better without his mess. Congratulations on your baby.

Remember your worth and believe in yourself! 💪

I also say go ‘grey rock’ on him.

I’m really sorry. Don’t feel stupid, there’s no way you could have known he would do this. At least you know what he’s like now, he’s gone and you don’t have to throw him out. I’d bet my house she doesn’t know your pregnant.

The fact that he is living with his ex is definitely the current wife's business if he is wanting a reconciliation.

It doesn't matter what we think

You can't dictate to him where he lives. But, if he wants to live with his ex and you're not comfortable with that, then YANBU to decide that reconciliation with him is no longer something you wish to pursue

He's completely unreasonable. He's back with his ex. At the very least he's being physical with her and stringing her on as well as you, while he decides which one of you to pick. If either, he's probably on dating apps too. He sounds the type.
He doesn't love you. Get over him ASAP!

A very silly post , need I say more .🙄

Only once the baby is born. If OP needs family support now is the time to move and establish the family area as the baby's residence.

I only went through with the pregnancy because he convinced me he was going to be there no matter what.

and within very few months he had left you and now he's living with his ex - what an unforgiveable callus bastard!

Would other women put up with somebody who was allegedly trying to get back with them going and living with their ex? HELL NO!!!

Check out what you need to do to protect yourself and your baby, sharpish. Things like giving baby your surname and not naming him on the birth certificate (giving him more rights), and getting CMS in place. You can't stop him from being involved with his child if he wants to be. I'm sure if you did a thread in here about that you'd get lots of advice. Somebody said move now before he can stop you - I don't think that's true that he can stop you unless you're living abroad from your family- but do check.

Focus on your baby and forget him, time to move on

Are your family nearby or far away?

If you want to live with family / near them I’d move now and file for divorce citing his adultery/abandonment.

Don’t put his name on the birth certificate and give baby your surname.

she asked if she should stop involvement with the baby. Not pregnancy.

I'm definitely in the screw him camp, you need to look after just yourself and baby now.
So practicalities-
If you're married he will have to go on birth certificate and will have parental rights. If you have his surname I'd change it by deed now to your maiden name/another name and make sure baby have same surname as you at least. You'll be registering baby alone so choosing name. If you're married and register baby with his surname and later wish to change it, you'll need his permission, even if he isn't involved much.
If you are not married, register alone so he doesn't have PR without taking you to court, as he likely won't do that I'd have thought.

Every decision you make, think 100% about being for you and baby.

Honestly, he's shown you who he is. Likely he was always this way but those "crazy ex" tales are really believable and when you are falling for someone you want to believe they're good person. This isn't your fault, but don't waste any time wanting him back..his ex hasn't "won" at all, heck she's "lost" twice. Be smarter than her and make a life for the 2 of you that doesn't involve him.

He’s back with his ex. No two ways about it. He still desires you so he thinks he can get back with her and still sneak in a few shags with you.

start formal divorce proceedings, make a CMS claim. I’m so sorry you’re going through this.

He can’t have 50/50 with a newborn, baby needs mum more in early stage, so he doesn’t have exact same rights at first.

@AngieR87 start the ball rolling and get solicitor involved first thing monday. find yourself a birthing partner, mum, sis, friend. have the baby and register the birth then let him know you have had baby. then change phone number immediately. he does not get into birthing room or to see you in a vulnerable position ever again. he is evil.

Well, now YOU are going to be the crazy ex who makes life difficult. That's his narrative.

I'm sorry he's such a wanker.