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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to object to other parent's vile racist remarks in the nursery playground?

332 replies

grimupnorth · 17/03/2008 19:28

We recently moved to a new area and dd (just 3) has started at the nursery attatched to the primary school round the corner. Its on a council estate that has a bit of a 'reputation' but tbh that doesn't bother me, the school is lovely nd small and the staff seem excellent. DD loves it there and is making friends, but I'm having problems with the other parents.

Basically they refuse to speak to me. Its not paranoia, they really do and have done since the first morning when I dropped her off. They just give me dirty looks and don't reply when I say hello. Only one of them acknowledges me, and she runs the local shop so isn't going to be rude to the customers! Its a close community and they all know each other etc etc, and I'm an outsider with a posh accent, pink hair, and a faceful of piercings. I can live with being ignored, but...

Today when we were waiting to go in to drop the dc's off, two of the women started having a conversation about a recent trip one of them had had to make with her ds. She was basically bitching about how carp the treatment was, but then these comments were made:

"The place was full of Asians pretending to have heart attacks so they'd get seen first"

"Next time I go I'll be boot polishing our faces to get better treatment"

"The bloody Arabs want to piss off back home and stop bleeding our hospitals dry"

This was in front of children, and I was furious. I picked up dd and carried her to the other end of the playground to look at the daffodils, and I could feel them (the mothers not the daffodils!) watching me. I felt really uncomfortable, I wanted to say something but tbh I was worried about getting smacked - they are pretty tough aggressive women.

I'm quite ashamed of myself for not having the guts to stand up and say something at the time but didn't want dd to see me get into an argument, or to do it on school grounds. I'm going to put in a complaint to the head tomorrow - is this OTT?

OP posts:
TheQueenMother · 17/03/2008 21:19

lolololol at DM readers getting a hard time as an ethnic group, ha ha ha ha ha ha, thanks for that, it's made this discussion worthwhile

Lulah · 17/03/2008 21:20

Mercy i do not know what year you think the london boroughs introduced tb jab for ALL newborn babies but it was definately not before 1995 as I professionally worked in three london boroughs maternity units and none offered it at birth.
Tower Hamlets did at this time

TheQueenMother · 17/03/2008 21:20

Wt, in answer to your post "Yes, they shouldn't have said it.But they do have the right to say it. Take away that right and where do you end up?"

A civilised society maybe?

Greyriverside · 17/03/2008 21:21

As I pointed out earlier the OP made her own remark about 'soft southerners' which could be taken as offensive if we're going to leap on every word people say.

No one was injured and it was a private conversation. People are allowed to have opinions even if we disagree with them.

DoodleToYou · 17/03/2008 21:21

Message withdrawn

WanderingTrolley · 17/03/2008 21:23

Nope QM, 1984.

Mumcentreplus · 17/03/2008 21:24

This has nothing to do with 'free speech' it's 2 sad cows being racist and getting away with it...it's that simple..I truly feel for you grim...I agree you are in a sticky situation..pick your battles wisely but don't 8ever8 feel bad for seeing these pathetic womane for what they truly are...

Original poster
grimupnorth · 17/03/2008 21:24

OK so on this thread that phrase was possibly misjudged.

But its hardly comparable to saying the bloody arabs should piss off home, surely???

I am not a wild accuser of racism. I can tell the difference between a 'joke' and a disgusting deeply ingrained attitude.

OP posts:
mrsruffallo · 17/03/2008 21:25

A civilised society is one that allows people to express their views, even if we don't agree with them.
Otherwise you end up with a dictatorship

lucyellensmum · 17/03/2008 21:25

That is a fair point lulah, there is a re emerging problem of TB in this country. And sadly this is partly due to immigration - however, it is more a antibiotic resistance problem i think. I cannot really comment anyfurther, but i would simply have thought that the reasoning behind it is one of neccesity and appropriate vaccination. I do totally understand the point you are trying to make though, i wasn't having a pop at you, just trying to point out that there may well be a valid reasoning behind it, and as you so rightly pointed out yourself, people are made so suspicious by the media etc that they automatically pin the blame on ethnic minorities.

FWIW, they dont vaccinate against smallpox anymore because it has been irradicated due to vaccination, which is why they probably stopped with the TB, i do understand that the more recent strain is more virulent and difficult to treat.

Mumcentreplus · 17/03/2008 21:25

Lord me spellin!

magicfarawaytree · 17/03/2008 21:25

'daily mail reader' is a tad bigoted methinks. i read the daily mail and make no excuses for that. I have a degree, create employment for others and have no mortgage.....and brown skin. I am judged a lesser human being on all of these points, (individually and as a combination of) by others. racism cant be tackled by a bigoeted views.

magicfarawaytree · 17/03/2008 21:26

my spelling is shocking since children... too

Mercy · 17/03/2008 21:26

An intellectual reaction is the opposite of an emotional reaction (ie, heart vs head). It does not imply any superior thoughts.

I'm no legal eagle but I still don't think that an overheard comment from parents is going to warrant a reprimand from the HT or the police, the LEA etc; the best way is to work from within - by promoting multi-culture - with the backing of the school AND the PTA and Governors.

Original poster
grimupnorth · 17/03/2008 21:27

I'm not suggesting we take away the right to free speech, I don't know what the answer is at all though.

Would anyone be defending it had I heard the teachers saying it?

OP posts:
HonoriaGlossop · 17/03/2008 21:27

No Queenmother you don't get that, you get a dictatorship!

i think what I would do in this situation IS say something to the other parents, because you don't need to get into an argument, but I think it's a good example to kids if they hear those attitudes challenged.

I would raise it with the Head, too, but not so they could somehow 'stop' the parents saying it - but maybe the head could encourage some extra work in PSHE type lessons, about tolerance, acceptance, friendship, other cultures and fostering understanding.

magicfarawaytree · 17/03/2008 21:29

what area are you grimupnorth?

princessosyth · 17/03/2008 21:30

I wouldn't say anything, it just isn't worth it, just thank god that you aren't them.

About 10 years or so ago I was on the tube on the way home from work and there was an England match on at Wembley, the train was full of skinheads with beer bellies being really loud and obnoxious. As the journey continued their chants were becoming really racist and vile, the songs about burning "pakis" and "niggers" it was sickening to have to be subjected to such ignorance. There were quite a few asian and black commuters on the train staring at the ground and trying to look as inconspicious as possible after a while I couldn't take any more and challenged a few of the thugs which was the biggest mistake I could have made they then started pushing me and all of the black/asian commuters, they threatened with sexual assualt said they were going to rob us all, we were completely outnumbered and it was a really frightening experience. Fortunately the train stopped at the next stop and we all jumped off but I felt really ashamed that my stupidity had nearly caused a riot!

You will never change their views so just leave them to it.

Original poster
grimupnorth · 17/03/2008 21:30

And I don't want the head to go to the parents about it, thats not going to help my situation at all.

I just want to make her aware of it, and yes I know she will be aware of the general attitudes floating around but IMO she needs to be informed if thats being said on school grounds.

I think she needs to be told if parents and children are hearing offensive language in the school she runs.

OP posts:
DoodleToYou · 17/03/2008 21:30

Message withdrawn

Original poster
grimupnorth · 17/03/2008 21:31

HonoriaGlossop - thats what I'm hoping she will do.

OP posts:
magicfarawaytree · 17/03/2008 21:32

I would not address the parents I would address the children. have a discussion with the head, then if the head is positive have a discussion with the head infront of the children expressing concern and showing head is going to do something about it. Helps children understand that talking about things can help make things change for the better.

Mercy · 17/03/2008 21:32

Fair enough Lulah - you know more than I do.

But I still think that children who come from countries where TB is more prevalent than the UK they should be given priority in order to prevent any likelihood of it occuring here (I think LEM said something about families visiting etc)

DoodleToYou · 17/03/2008 21:33

Message withdrawn

ElectraBunny · 17/03/2008 21:33

OMG

If there is one thing I can't stand it's casual racism. It is so damaging and completely undermines the fabric of our society.

I work in a school at the moment where the teachers think it is ok to make these sort of comments. I can't bear to hear it.

To the OP - no you are not unreasonable, not at all.